Chapter 2: Clubs and parties

I spent the weekend helping Mom around the house and thinking about Inge. My dad had told me when I was very young about consequences for my actions, and he'd brought the point home to the seat of my pants more than once. Life is about choices, and the wrong ones bring severe penalties. Masturbation was my only peace.

I was keeping my obsession a secret from my parents as well as others, but I knew sooner or later that it would become known. My greatest fear was how to handle the revelation, and I didn't have a clue. I thought Mom would be hurt and Dad might never speak to me again, but try as I might I could not rid myself of my innermost thoughts and feelings about women.

I went to school as usual the following Monday morning, and as the day progressed I judged it to be entirely normal. The Volleyball team had lost their match, so a trip to Regionals was out. The cheerleaders were busy hanging posters for the Pep Rally; there was a football game coming up on Friday. At lunch, Curt and Ursula left early and Jason and Andrea wandered out to the quad to sneak a kiss or two before class. I was alone at the table when someone with a vaguely familiar face from the showers on Friday walked up and sat down.

"Mind if I sit here?" she asked.

"I guess not," I said.

She began eating, and between bites she said, "I'm Tammy Alwine, I was in the showers Friday."

"Yeah, I know," I said. "You probably play on the team, too."

"Yes, I do," she smiled. She kept eating for a moment then asked, "Are you going to say anything about what happened?"

"I told Christine I wouldn't," I said.

"That's good," she said. After a short pause, she added, "Christine is one of us too, you know."

I was tempted to blurt "One what?" and thought for a moment. Inge, Christine and Tammy were all members of the team; if I had let myself go and allowed Inge to keep touching me, would the rest of them have joined in?

"Oh," I managed to say.

Tammy looked at me as if I were a strange plant or something for a minute or two, and said, "We're all members of the GALA club here at school; you ever heard of it?"

I shook my head and said, "No."

"It's the Gay and Lesbian Alliance. We're a special interest group, just like the Christian Youth and the Native Americans."

'Oh, great!' I thought; 'I'd been labeled and found out. Best to keep denying it, no matter what.'

I said, "I'm not gay or a lesbian, at least I don't think so." I tried to say it calmly and sincerely, but I wasn't sure how successful I'd been.

Tammy cocked her eyebrow at me and grinned. "Is that why it took you so long to get away from Inge?"

"What do you mean?" I asked. It couldn't have been more than a few seconds, it couldn't.

"I saw the look on your face and the way you dropped your head when she touched your boobs; your face got pretty red afterward."

"I ... I didn't like it!" I cried. "I thought it was just a little hazing; every new girl gets that!"

The first bell rang, signaling the end of lunch period, and I had ten minutes to get to my next class. Hurriedly, Tammy took a piece of paper from her purse and scribbled something on it.

"This is my phone number, call me tonight, please? I can help you if you'll let me."

I took the paper and jammed it into my pocket. I hadn't minded the touch, but I wished it was someone else, somewhere else, and not so damn public. Damn, damn damn!

I couldn't concentrate on my classes the rest of the day, and as soon as Gym was over I hurried home.

I lay on my bed after supper, thinking. Tammy had offered help, but I had no idea what kind. What does a person do except endure it? My thoughts were muddled, and fear of my mother's disappointment kept coming back. About eight o'clock that evening, I called Tammy.

"Hello?"

Softly, I said, "It's me."

"Hi!" she said brightly. "How are you?"

"Pretty good, considering you know more about me than I ever wanted anybody to know."

She laughed. "All I got was a first impression, but I think it was fairly accurate."

"So what do I do now?" I asked. "I'm afraid of what will happen if my parents find out, I don't know what the other kids will say in school. I don't want to be treated any differently."

Very confidently, Tammy said, "Get permission to come home late tomorrow, and I'll bring you out to my house. My mom will be here and the three of us can talk."

"Okay," I sighed. "This isn't going to go away, is it?

"No," she said, "it isn't."

I hung up and sat on my bed with tears forming in my eyes. Could Inge have seen something about me that made her think I'd welcome her touch? If so, what was it? Sleep was a long time coming.

The next day I got permission to come home late, and after school Tammy drove me to her house. She and her mother lived on West River Place, a small cul-de-sac off River Road about ten miles north of town.

Tammy got us a coke and we sat down at her kitchen table to wait for her mother. A few minutes later, a woman I took to be Mrs. Alwine came into the kitchen, poured herself a cup of coffee and sat with us.

"Hi, I'm Brenda, Tammy's mom," she said, looking at me.

"Hi," I replied. "I'm Hannah."

"Tammy's told me a little about you and what happened; do you have anything you want to add?"

I shook my head. What was there to say?

"Well then, we can start with the obvious and say you like girls. Is that fair?"

"I suppose," I mumbled.

"Either you do or you don't," Brenda said. "Which is it?"

I flushed and said very quietly, "I do. At least I think I do. I've never been with anybody, but..."

Tammy asked, "No sleepovers, no pajama parties, no touching or kissing, things like that?"

"No, never, "I replied. "I'm an Army brat and my dad was an officer; I didn't do any of that."

Puzzled, Brenda asked, "Why not?"

"My dad was a Lieutenant Colonel, and the Army has fraternization rules about officers and enlisted personnel."

"It extends to their children?" Brenda asked, her eyes wide.

"Yes. I think the rule is one grade up or down, and no enlisted at all."

Tammy asked, "So you didn't have any girl friends during school?"

"Oh, I had friends, I just couldn't be seen in public with them."

"A sleepover is hardly public," Brenda scoffed.

"I know, but even if I had asked the answer would've been no. A rule is a rule."

"That's the dumbest fuckin' thing I ever heard," Tammy said.

I shrugged; it was dumb, but I couldn't do anything about it.

Brenda changed the subject and said, "Tammy said she told you about the club; do you have any questions?"

"Yeah, how did you get the school to agree?" I asked.

Brenda smiled. "We had to threaten to sue for equality under the law, but they gave in before it got that far. If the Christians can have their club, so can we."

"We?" I asked.

"Well, Tammy and the others was what I meant."

"What does the club do?" I asked.

Tammy replied, "Supports the members, emotionally and literally. There's a lot of school functions where being gay is still thought of as outside the norm; the Prom, some other dances and so on, for example. We have alternative parties at the same time, or activities that allow the members to interact. We go bowling or ice skating, things like that."

"How does that help?" I asked.

Brenda smiled again and said, "How long have you been lonely? How long have you been afraid someone is going to divulge your secret without your permission? The club lets you know you're not alone, honey."

"How am I going to tell my parents?" I asked mournfully. "My dad is going to freak."

Tammy spoke up and said, "I'll go with you if you want, but I have to tell you, they probably already know."

"How?" I cried. "I've never done anything, ever, with anybody!"

Brenda commented, "Tammy came out to me last year, and I already knew. Parents can tell what their kids feel, honey; it comes with being a mom or a dad."

I broke down and started crying; just the thought of my mother knowing about my feelings was frightening.

Brenda hugged me until I settled down enough to talk. "How do you feel?"

"Scared," I replied. "I don't know what to do."

Tammy said, "The incident is all over the school; there were two girls who aren't gay in the showers, and the rumors flew hard and fast. You can't hide it."

"So what do I do?" I asked.

"Preemptive strike," Brenda said. "Tell your friends first and tell the truth, before they hear it from someone else. It takes all the mystery away, and in a few days everyone will find something else to gossip about."

"Are you sure?" I asked.

Tammy smiled and said, "It worked for me. I'm happy with who I am, and I don't care who knows. It's a matter of being comfortable inside your own skin. Believe me, it's worth it." Chuckling, she added, "Besides, you get to find out exactly who your real friends are."

"And when do I tell my folks? I really don't have a death wish."

Brenda said, "I can go with you, or Tammy can, but it's best if you tell your mom first, alone and somewhere quiet. Just say you'd like to get your feelings out in the open. She'll listen, I promise."

"Okay," I nodded.

On the ride home, Tammy patted my knee to reassure me. I kept thinking of different ways to tell my mother I was gay, but my mind refused to cooperate.

I didn't say anything to Mom that night or the next, but at school I informed Ursula and Curt of my feelings. I purposely left out specifics, but I did say I wasn't looking for a boyfriend. Ernie looked despondent until I told him there wasn't anything wrong with him personally; I just wasn't wired that way. Ursula was pretty quiet, but other than that she seemed to accept it. I didn't get many smiles from her, but she was civil. Curt didn't say a word.

Jason and Andrea shrugged as if to say 'oh well', and continued to eat lunch at our table; several of my classmates went out of their way to avoid me or make rude comments in the hallways. I realized that my coming out hadn't made that big an impact on the social structure in the school. Other than a few rumors flying around, I was still mostly invisible.

Thursday, Tammy and Christine ate lunch with me, and as soon as Jason and Andrea left, Tammy invited me to a party.

"It'll be great!" she said. "A sleepover on Friday night, and ice skating in Mandan Saturday afternoon. I'll take you home in time for supper Saturday night."

"Will Inge be there?" I asked.

"No!" Tammy replied emphatically.

Dad loaned me his sleeping bag for Friday night, and I packed a pair of flannel pajamas and some toiletries in a little duffel bag. Shortly after five o'clock I was in Tammy's car, headed for my very first pajama party.