Chapter 11

"What was it like?" Ann Marie asked. "You know ... the first time you made love?"

She snuggled up in Jake's arms. Blade Runner was on one of the movie channels, but neither was paying much attention to it. She was wearing one of his dress shirts, the front unbuttoned, the sleeves rolled up. He didn't bother to dress. Instead, upon returning to their room, he simply stripped down and crawled into bed.

Her hair was down, its curls falling gently over her shoulders. Ann Marie pressed her body against Jake, perhaps because she knew that the next day was going to be the end of their mini-getaway. Perhaps because she thought that it might be the beginning of a new life.

"I wouldn't call it 'making love'. We had sex. And not the good kind." he replied with a nervous chuckle. They had been talking on and off throughout the day. They discussed what turned them on and what they liked. After dinner, their conversation had become more about them, and not their fantasies. "In truth, it was awful."

"Really?" she arched her eyebrow. "How bad?"

"Her name was Lorie Snider," Jake said, his eyes glazing over at the memory. "We were fifteen and thought we were in love. She was moving to Virginia at the end of the summer, so after months of heavy petting, we finally did it two days before she left."

"What was she like?" Ann Marie asked.

"Smart, kind of sassy." A part of him wondered why she wanted to know about his former lovers. "It was nothing but lust. We were one of those 'everything but... ' couples. When she told me she was moving, I think we just kind of knew it would be a one time thing."

"So what happened?"

"It was summer and school was out, so we went over to her friend's house because Lorie's mom stayed at home and my little brother would rat us out. Kristy let us use her bed and even gave us the condom," he smiled in his reverie. "Neither of us knew what we were doing. It was the blind leading the blind."

"Did you ever see her again?"

"Not after she moved away," Jake shook his head. "We wrote a couple of times, but that was it."

He kissed the top of her head and noticed that she was staring off, too. As if lost to another memory. And from the look on her face, it wasn't a pleasant one.

"What about you?" he dared to ask.

"I don't really remember it," Ann Marie whispered after a long time.

Jacob wanted to ask, but knew that she would only tell him on her time. So he just held her close. He loved how comfortable he felt around her. He loved how their bodies seemed to fit together as if they were two pieces of a puzzle.

"Did you know I use to be a coke addict?" Although it was phrased as a question, she wasn't looking for an answer. "And I don't mean Coca-Cola. I started ... I started to please my father, of all things. You're lucky you'll never have to meet him."

She paused for a second. Jacob knew her dad had died several years ago. No one ever talked much about him and he was new in the school system, so he didn't have any real reason to ask.

"He was abusive to Mom and the rest of us. Dad never hit me or my brother, but he used to beat Mom. He treated Daniel and I ... He abused us emotionally. Verbally," her voice was soft and seemed ready to break. "It's funny ... as badly as he treated me ... treated us ... I still wanted to please him. I was always looking for his approval. I thought that if I did well enough in college, he wouldn't tell me what a no-good whore I was going to grow up to be. I just wanted him to tell me that he loved me instead of saying how fat I was or calling my tits cow udders like Mama's."

There were tears in her eyes, but she kept talking. Jacob pulled her tighter.

"So when I was at Clemson, I wanted to bring home a 4.0. I was going to be the best, so Daddy would be proud of me," she said softly. "I didn't go out. I didn't have any fun. All I did was study. I got straight A's my first semester, but I was burning out ... so one of the girls in my dorm suggested that I try some 'uppers' to help me out. I started with caffeine pills ... then amphetamines ... then cocaine. It wasn't for the high. It wasn't because it was fun. I snorted coke so my goddam father wouldn't call me a worthless piece of white trash shit when I went home in May."

Her voice broke and she started to cry. Her tears ran down her cheeks and on to Jacob's chest. He tried to comfort her. He rubbed her shoulders, he kissed her forehead.

Ann Marie's body convulsed in his arms. She held on to him as if her life depended on it. He only wanted to make her pain go away.

"Soon I was using about a hundred dollars a day ... I know that doesn't seem like a lot, but it was for me," she said between breaths. "I had to take two jobs to support my habit ... and I still had to study, which only meant doing more drugs."

She wiped her eyes, then willed her voice to be steady. "One day, I didn't have any money, but I needed my fix. I thought I could control it, you know ... I said to myself, 'I'll only do it when I have to pull an all-nighter' ... then I said, 'I'll only do it when I need a quick boost' ... and soon it was all the time. I was a full blown addict. My dealer knew it, too. They're sneaky bastards. They start you out slow. He adds a little extra. He gives a 'discount'. And once you're hooked ... then he knows he got you..."

Jacob reached out and took her hand. It was shaking.

"I didn't have any money. I needed a high," she swallowed hard. "I said I'd do anything for him. I begged him to let me borrow some money 'cause I was getting paid at the end of the week. He said he'd hook me up if I'd let him fuck me ... So I did."

Ann Marie broke down again. Jacob only pulled her closer. He could see the shame in her eyes. He could only imagine the humiliation she felt. Surrendering her virginity to a drug dealer for nothing but a quick high.

Anger welled up deep inside him. He wanted to find this person ... this animal ... who had stolen Ann Marie's innocence ... who had forced her to whore herself out for drugs ... and kill him. Jacob would strangle that motherfucker with his own bare hands. And damn the consequences.

Sobs wracked her body. He didn't dare speak. There was nothing he could say that wouldn't sound cheap or hollow. All Jacob could do was hope to make some small contribution towards Ann Marie's healing and catharsis.

He reached for the remote control and turned the television off. Then he waited. He waited as his heart broke for her. He waited for her tears to subside because he knew there was more to the story. When she could breathe again, she wiped her eyes and nose on the sleeve of his shirt.

"I did two lines ... I was flyin' like a kite ... and then let him do it," Ann Marie continued. "He didn't last long, but all he wanted was to get off inside me. I got up and left. I didn't have any pride left. I was just a cheap slut who'd fucked a guy for two days worth of coke ... I went back to my room and cried. You probably think I'm pathetic, don't you, Jake? This will make your parents real—"

"Stop that, Ann Marie," he said sternly. She looked up at him, fear in her eyes. "Don't say those things."

"How can you want me now?"

"How can I not want you?" he said softly.