Chapter 4: Nobody ever loved me that much.

Guilt! Just the sound of the word made me sick.

The girls had tried so hard to help me, but I felt completely alone. The mental torment was excruciating. The relentless undertow of despair was drawing me under, enfolding me into a tunnel of darkness and gloom. For the first time in my life I knew the true meaning of depression. Wanda's body had only been discovered five hours ago and already I felt exhausted, drained and overwhelmed.

The black pain came without warning. Yesterday I was happy and now I was struggling for my very survival. In only hours, simple pleasures became impossible feats. The easiest of tasks were now overwhelming.

I kept thinking, I should have insisted she stay with me instead of letting her get away. I simply had been too offhand about it, lazy, too unconcerned. I deserved my death and hers. I was a dog. No, why blame the dogs? I got up and found the bottle of wine I had brought with me and drank from it heavily. Kitty had been a beautiful lost girl and was dead at 18 because I had been too late to save her. Outside somebody honked their automobile horn. They were very loud and persistent. I sat the bottle down and inside my mind I screamed out: "God damn you, you son of a bitch, shut up!" The night kept coming and there was nothing I could do.

I spent the rest of the evening huddled in bed trying to figure out what I should have done differently. Eventually I gave up on the 'what ifs' remembering Kitty's words, "things are as they are for now. Tomorrow ... who knows?"

My thoughts turned to my current life. Other than Maria and the possible exception of Vicky all the females in my life were strong, self-reliant women. Why did they even need me? Destiny? Was it destiny that had written this fucked up play and I was but an actor following a script without any control? If that were the case then could I have done anything to change what had happened to Kitty? And what of my daughter Clarity? Would destiny laugh at my puny efforts to stop her from being gang raped? Or was Clarity's plight the focus for destiny having sent me back in time in the first place and therefore all other things that occurred around me were mere distractions?

I pondered these and other things and then hours later, focusing on how much the women in my life meant to me, and how important it was for me to see to it that Clarity could have an un-scared future I was finally able to put Kitty's death behind me. Not the sorrow for her, because in some unexplainable fashion I think I loved her too, but most of the depression and guilt I locked far away where it couldn't ever hurt the ones I loved.

I was reflecting back on Kitty's face when she had cried, and then the playful, teasing look on her face when she had asked me if I expected her to become a kept woman when I heard a light knock on the bedroom door. A second later without waiting for me to respond Dana walked in.

"When you love someone, you've gotta trust them." Dana told me softly. "There's no other way. You've got to give them the key to everything that's yours. Otherwise, what's the point? Trust me now Sam. Trust my words as someone that loves you and as a cop. You could not have done anything to stop it ... It was not your fault. It sucks but in the cop business bad things do happen to good people."

I sat up and then scooted over hanging my legs over the side of the bed and said, "Thanks Dana. That means a lot coming from you. I think I'm over the worst of it now. I just needed a little time alone to sort things out."

Dana came over and sat down next to me. She took me into her arms holding me and said, "We'll get the bastard Sam. One way or another, we'll get the bastard."

"I don't want to give up Dana. I want to be a part of it." I told her.

"Candy and I have already discussed that. We agreed if you wanted in we wouldn't argue. We can't let the bureau or LAPD find out, but other than that you're in as far as the two of us are concerned." Dana told me smiling.

"You know, for cops you two are really something special." I said and then I kissed her lightly on the lips.

"Just for cops?" She questioned jokingly.

"No. You're pretty special opposed to millions of other women, ladies, and girls, just as you were yesterday, and as you will be tomorrow."

Dana smiled again and then said, "Why don't you come out and get something to eat? Everybody's still worried about you and it'll do them good to see you're feeling better."

"Yeah. I've been acting pretty selfish wallowing around in all this self pity over the past few hours." I answered while standing up.

"They understand honey. They all love you." Dana told me.

I smiled and then Dana said with a grin as she got up, "I need to warn you though, everybody felt so bad that we all give our permission for Candy to take you to bed. So don't be surprised if she presses the issue."

"You know," I answered. "It's difficult for me to think of that as an issue. It's more like a gift."

"Uh huh," Dana smiled.

I went out and made nice, apologizing to everyone both individually and collectively for having acted so self absorbed and un-thoughtful over the past few hours.

They all assured me they understood and wouldn't hold it against me. Then they proved it by the way they kissed me.

After we had cleared the air Pat hurried off to the kitchen to fix me something to eat. A few moments later I followed after her and patted her bottom while she was bent over the stove re-heating some gravy.

"It's really nice to see you back to your old taking liberties self Mr. Sam." Pat told me without turning around.

"It's nice to feel you bottom again too Pat." I told her smacking her rump.

"You're welcome to feel more than just that anytime sir." She responded laughing.

"Why you little..." I said leaving the sentence unfinished as I reached around her body and lightly squeezed both of her breasts feeling her up momentarily before retreating back to the dining room.

All the girls were seated around the table in one fashion or another. Vicky was sitting on Jen's lap and Maria on Kim's. Dana and Candy had chairs of their own.

I sat down at the table and looking in Dana's and Candy's direction I said, "Okay. So fill me in on what's been happening with the case while I was indisposed."

Dana and Candy looked at each other obviously trying to decide which one would be the spokeswoman and I guessed Candy lost because she spoke up, "Well, after Wanda's body was discovered..." Candy paused very briefly to look at me when she said this, sensitive to my reaction to her name then she continued, "Anyway, after the body was discovered Dana and I went back downtown hoping to find Creepy but not finding him we questioned everyone in the neighborhood once again. Nobody heard or saw anything, not Wanda, not Creepy, not the tan Ford, not you, nothing. Now, because you were the soul eye-witness to anything happening, and because we couldn't very well bring that up, I faked my report stating that one of the prostitutes we interviewed told us she'd seen Wanda leaving with creepy in a tan late model Ford and because all the girls look out for one another by writing down the Johns license plate numbers for each other in the event something bad happened she also gave us the plate number."

Dana took over then, "Even though I had already run the plates before I ran them again, only officially this time, and because I had already contacted the guy in Wisconsin I concentrated on the rental car company and found out that the car renter was a middle aged male but they couldn't remember anything else about what he looked like. They did tell me the guy had rented the car for two weeks and had paid for the rental in cash. They also told me he had what looked to them to be legitimate ID with the name and address of the guy living in Wisconsin on it. Oh yeah, just a few hours ago the LAPD put out an APB on the tan Ford and they've also set-up an around the clock surveillance downtown in the event Creepy shows up there again."

"That it?" I questioned.

"Up to this minute," Dana confirmed.

I nodded.

"Oh," Jen interrupted. "I called a towing service and had the Bronco towed to the Ford dealership for repairs."

"Good. Thanks Jen. Sorry about screwing up your car," I apologized, turning to her.

"It's our car and it's only metal and you weren't hurt so no big loss." Jen smiled.

Returning my attention back to Dana and Candy I asked, "So, what's next?"

"Wait for a hit on the tan Ford, or hope Creepy shows up sometime soon," Candy answered. "The only thing not listed in my report is that Creepy drove Wanda to Downey. I didn't have any rational way of explaining that little fact in my report."

"Yeah. I can see the problem," I confirmed.

Just then Pat came in carrying a plate with a warmed meatloaf sandwich, mashed potatoes with gravy, and a large helping of hot peas on it. She set the plate down in front of me. I patted her ass.

Maria jumped off Kim's lap and then quickly rushed away only to return a few seconds later with a cold glass of beer which she set down next to the plate of food.

I thanked both her and Pat with kisses, and more butt patting and then while eating I said to Dana and Candy, "If you two agree, in the morning I'd like to have another look around that Downey neighborhood during broad daylight. You never know, we might spot the Ford or something else that looks out of place."

"Can't hurt," Dana agreed.

"Why not," Candy also agreed.

After I'd finished eating it became obvious that evil plans were afoot, because one by one everyone seemed to have something urgent they needed to be doing leaving only myself and Candy seated at the dining table.

"Ah um," Candy cleared her throat. "I have to assume that Dana told you that everyone, to a woman, has given their permission for us to screw."

"Uh huh," I answered taking a sip of beer while looking into her blue eyes over the rim of the glass.

"So? Do you want to stick your thing where no man has gone before?" She asked.

"Uh huh," I answered taking another sip of beer.

Candy said, "Well, Sam, don't go getting all worked up about it and have a stroke or anything."

I smiled, "Only because you are a woman that deserves to be loved not screwed. You are beautiful, sexy, and desirable. How could I possibly just screw someone like that? I want to make love to you ... not just once, but over and over again! But then, I could never tell you that before could I? I want it to be beautiful, gentle, sensual, soft, and long and thoughtful, where there is no right or wrong and there is only us."

"God, if I wasn't so lipstick lesbian I could really love you." She said hardly above a whisper.

"Maybe we can take the "so" out of that description." I offered.

"Maybe we can, I'm already wet as hell." She replied.

I stood up and offered her my hand. She took it and I helped her rise to her feet, than I kissed her with deep passion while holding her tight to my body. When our kiss ended I led her to the bedroom where I undressed her slowly and then laid her on the bed.

Looking down at her I almost gasped. God, she was even more beautiful, naked. Her trim waist, and long legs, silky mound of blonde pubic hair covering her womanhood, firm breasts and large blue eyes, not piercing, like Kim's, but round, and soft. I was speechless. I couldn't take my eyes off of her.

"You are absolutely beautiful," I whispered.

"I'm so ready for you," she said gently, almost whispering and shaking me out of my trance.

I undressed quickly and then climbed onto the bed and kissed her. Her lips felt soft. So very soft. Her tongue rubbed against my front teeth. I opened my mouth a little and Candy's tongue ventured in. She pushed upward until her breasts were pressing against my bare chest. As her tongue probed even deeper, I slowly slid my hand down between her legs. I felt her quiver as my fingertips ran through the soft, hair and then I parted her lips with my fingers and slowly inserted one inside her. I could feel her shudder once again, or perhaps it was me that had shuddered. I kissed her neck and breasts, nibbling lightly on her distended hard nipples while thrusting my finger back and forth. Both of her hands started exploring along my body and her breath became faster and faster.

My breathing grew faster as well as I slid down to take her with my mouth. Once I was in position I used my fingers to spread her nether lips open so I could see and then without hesitation, I buried my face deep inside her pussy. My tongue slid up and down several times along the full length of her slit and then I drove it as deep as I could inside her opening.

Candy was squirming and moaning in pleasure under me and then she cried out even louder when I removed my tongue and started flicking it over her clit making the little bulb shake while one of my fingers dug inside her wetness. I could feel her whole body humping against my finger and squirming over my tongue. She tasted so good that I wanted more. I wanted to taste her cum against my mouth.

Candy grabbed my head and forced me to lick even faster as she fucked my finger and tongue. I kept licking her clit over and over again while finger-fucking her silly.

Oh ... oh ... Oh my God ... I'm going to cum." She moaned and I felt her body quiver all over as her pussy dripped fluids over my fingers and her clit swelled against my tongue.

"Goodddd ... Oh God ... That feels so good, Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah..." she chanted through her orgasm.

After her climax she was still moaning softly with what I assumed to be little pleasurable aftershocks. I kissed her softly along her whole body while at the same time feeling her softer parts with my hands as I carefully scooted myself upward. I gave her a long, hard sensual kiss on the mouth and then I whispered, "Are you ready for more, or would you like to rest a little while first?"

"More," She moaned. "Oh, please more ... but ... but..."

"Yes? What is it my love?" I asked while nibbling on her earlobe and gently pinching one of her nipples between my thumb and forefinger.