Chapter 1

They say that the husband is always the last to know, and I guess that holds true for me. I imagine, that after reading this, some people will think I'm as bad as a homicidal maniac, while others might see my actions as being justified. However, I am ashamed of what I have done, and I want to make a full confession. In order to understand my motivation, it is necessary to examine the history of my relationship with my wife and the intense emotions, which that relationship stirred up within me.

With the knowledge of hindsight, it is easy to say that I'd do things differently. I can promise that I will never allow any situation, to build up to a point, where I feel that I have to take matters into my own hands. It's not that I'm a bad guy, I'm a faithful, loving husband, a good father, I stand by my friends, help my neighbors, and respect my elders.

My name is Roy Wells and my wife's name is Mattie, we are both thirty-one years old. We have been married for ten years and have two children. Jeff is the eldest child, all of eight years old and a rascal if there ever was one. Amy is our five year old, and it is my personal opinion, that she is the sweetest little girl to grace this planet. Mattie has always insisted that Amy has me wrapped around her little fingers, and I guess that is probably right.

I stand slightly less than six feet tall and weigh one hundred and eighty-two pounds. I keep myself physically fit by jogging in the early morning and working out, at a health club almost every weekday. My hair is brown and my eyes are blue; Mattie has often told me that I am handsome, but I just can't see it the mirror. Not that I think of myself as ugly—I would describe myself as rugged and friendly looking. The rugged part comes from a nose that was once broken, a token of my amateur boxing days. I learned to bob and weave after getting that nose. I own a consulting business, which Mattie helped me to found and that has been fairly successful over the years.

Mattie is six months younger than I am, stands 5'4" tall, has raven black hair, black eyes that seem to open upon the depths of eternity, and weighs 115 pounds. She has wonderful full hips, a cute round butt, and breasts that I can almost cover with my hands; in other words, she is everything I've ever dreamed of in a woman. I have always considered myself to be the luckiest man, on the face of the earth, because she consented to be my wife. She has come through two pregnancies, with an amazingly sexy figure. While she had gained a lot of weight when she was carrying Amy, she worked long and hard to get her back into shape. In fact, she is often mistaken as the identical twin of her sister, who is five years, her junior. We started our business together, but after Jeff was born she dedicated herself to the duties of a full time housewife and mother. She insisted that, until the children were grown, her place was in the home.

I first met Mattie when we were both at college, and it was definitely not love at first sight, on either of our parts. Back in those days, in addition to school, I was an amateur boxer, with my eye on winning the state championship in my weight division. I'd get up before dawn, get my road work in, take a quick shower, go to classes, and then put in a few hours of training at the gym, before getting down to studying. I also had a bit of a reputation as a womanizer.

Mattie, on the other hand, had a reputation of being a no nonsense, straight laced girl. She managed to make it to church services every Sunday and was only known to have had one serious boyfriend, during all the time she had been at the college. The boyfriend had transferred to another school, and Mattie didn't seem to be in any big hurry to find a replacement.

During our senior year, she was in just about every one of my classes. We had the same major, but we didn't socialize together. I suppose that if it hadn't been for our mutual friends' sick sense of humor, we would never have ever gotten together.

I had just been eliminated from the state boxing championships and was feeling sorry for myself, when a couple of my buddies showed up, telling me to get ready for the world's best blind date on Saturday night. I usually never went out on a blind date, and I almost told them to forget it. However, I didn't have any real plans for the weekend, so reluctantly I agreed. I should have known that they were going to set me up with someone who was my exact opposite, but I was wallowing in too much self-pity to be suspicious.

At the same time, Mattie's friends were telling her it was about time she started dating. They told her that they had found a great guy who was reserved, humble, and a perfect match for her. From what I understand, Mattie's friends had a hard time convincing her to go. It was only, when her girlfriends told her that they and their boyfriends would be going, and she would be part of a group, that she finally agreed to go.

Saturday night came; I met my friends and their girlfriends (Mattie's friends) and was led away to meet my blind date. Mattie opened the door in response to my knock. I thought I saw a perplexed look cross her face, one which seemed to suggest, that she wondered what the heck I was doing at her door. I knew then, that my reputation had preceded me.

"Hi, Mattie!" I did my best to smile. "I guess I'm your date."

"He sure is," one of the girls laughed. "You two will get along great. Let's go and have some fun!"

It was about a fifteen minute walk, from Mattie's room to the off campus club, where we were going. For most of the walk, Mattie and I followed our friends in an awkward silence, which was infrequently punctuated, by even more awkward attempts to speak. Both of us were very uncomfortable. We realized that this date had been set up as a prank. I think we were both fighting down the urge to run screaming into the night.

When we reached the club, all of us sat together as a group. I asked Mattie what she wanted to eat and was surprised when she said a hamburger and a beer. In my preconceived notion about her, I didn't picture Mattie as a person that would touch anything containing alcohol. After we had eaten we danced a little, talked a little and began to laugh a little. I found myself having fun.

"You know," I told her as I walked her to her room after our group began to breakup, "I had a great time and I thank you for going out with me. I'd like to take you out again sometime."

"Well, thank you for taking me out," she smiled and then winked at me as we reached her room. "As for going out with you again, I'll give you a definite maybe. Let's talk more about it next week."

"Sure," I grinned figuring she needed some time to develop a good excuse not to go out with me, "I'll check with you next week."

When Monday rolled around, I was delightfully surprised, when Mattie came up to me before the start of the first class, and said that if my invitation was still open she'd be glad to go out with me.

"Sure it's still open," I replied. "How about this Saturday?"

"My friends and I are going to have a girls' night out next Saturday," she said," but I'm not doing anything the next Saturday."

"Great," I smiled. "How about I come and pick you up around six o'clock?"

"Roy," she nodded and smiled, "we have a date."

The rest of that week passed fairly quickly. Mattie and I would talk before the start of each class, but our discussions were mainly about school work. By the time Saturday rolled around, I was ready to blow off some steam. I figured I'd go and hit some of the clubs and see if I couldn't hook up with a girl for the evening. The first part of my plan went great; I hit quite a few clubs. I had a few drinks, came on to a few girls, but it seemed like I was getting turned down more times than I opened my mouth. It was pushing nine o'clock, and my batting average was sinking out of sight, when I wandered into a small strip club. A couple of my friends were sitting at a table and waved me into a chair. I bought drinks all round and we sat there, lamenting the lack of feminine company, as we watched the entertainment. I was halfway through my drink when I heard a familiar voice off to my left.

"I can't believe you guys talked me into this!" Mattie's voice giggled over the sound of the music. From the sound of her voice, it seemed to me that Mattie had done her share of drinking that night. "You are all very, very naughty, but then I guess I'm naughty too!"

She was sitting with her girlfriends, but those girls were no longer alone, their boyfriends had joined them. One of the girls glanced over and saw me watching. She motioned for me to come over and join the party, but I held back.

"Ohhh," the girl yelled. "There's Roy!" Everyone else at the table turned around and looked over at me. Mattie uneasily got up from the table and walked over to where I was sitting.

"Oooo, Roy boy, what are you doing in a place like this? You're a naughty boy. What would your momma say if she saw you?" She giggled wildly and began pulling on my arm. "Come on naughty boy, come over and sit with us. You boys don't mind if I steal Roy from you, do you? No, I didn't think you did. See, Roy your friends give you permission to sit with me."

My friends laughed and pushed me out of my seat. As I stood up, Mattie put one arm around me and led me back to where she was sitting.

"Well, Roy boy," she brought her mouth close to my ear, "it looks like we ended up going on a date this week anyway. Would you believe that these people kidnapped me and took me to this den of depravity? Would you believe that I'm a naughty, naughty girl? Well, they didn't kidnap me, but I can be a very naughty girl, when I want to be."

"I can't imagine you being very naughty," I laughed and looked deep into her black, mysterious eyes. "Coming here doesn't make you naughty. I'm here, aren't I?"

"Yes," she leaned back close to my ear again and spoke just loud enough to be heard over the din of the music. "But, everyone knows you're naughty. Some of the girls told me about you. They warned me that you liked to do all sorts of naughty things, but I found out I liked you any way."

I ordered a cola and talked with Mattie and the others, as we watch the girls on the stage jiggle and gyrate. The conversation at the table started to turn toward sex. It seemed that most of the couples were planning to spend the night together. Then, in one of those strange examples of voiceless communication between women, all the girls stood up and went to the restroom.

"Roy," one of the guys leaned over to me. "I think this is your chance to get into Mattie's pants. She is one wild, hot gal when she's been drinking. You need to take Mattie back to your place. Man, she looks like she is more than ready."

Right after the girls returned, the couples began getting up and heading their separate ways. I helped Mattie up, and we headed back toward her room. However, Mattie was not walking very well, and I had doubts if we could make it all the way to her place, until she sobered up a little. I steered our path toward a little coffee shop, but before we made it to the coffee shop, Mattie broke away from me and staggered over to some bushes. I held her as she managed to bring up a good part of her night's boozing.

"Oh, I'm so sorry," she said as tears pooled in her eyes, "I'm afraid I'm not much of a drinker."

"Forget it," I smiled wiping away her tears, "these things happen. It's all in the name of fun. I'm going to take you to a place where you can down some coffee and take a little time to sober up."

"No," she insisted trying to stamp her foot and almost falling down. "I want to go home!"

"Mattie," I shook my head, "I don't think you can make it far enough to get to your room. Let's just get a little coffee and sit around for an hour or so."

"I can make it to my room," she yelled pulling away from me; "I'm just fine, I'll have you know! I can make it the rest of the way on my own, Mr. Wells!"

See started down the street toward her room, and maybe covered all of twenty feet, before she fell flat on her rear end. As I helped her up, she ruefully admitted that a little coffee wasn't such a bad idea, after all. An hour later, after a pot of coffee and many trips to the restroom to be sick, Mattie was fit enough for the rest of the walk. During our time in the coffee shop and on the walk back to her room Mattie didn't want to talk much. When she did talk, it was only to repeatedly apologize to me, for all the trouble she had caused.

"Here we are," I said as I brought her to her room. "I'll check with you tomorrow to see how you're doing."

"Please, don't," she mournfully said. "I want to be alone tomorrow. I'll see you before class next week."

When the next week came, it was apparent that Mattie was doing her best to avoid me. I finally cornered her, but the only thing that she would say was how sorry she felt about Saturday night. Even though, we had class after class together, she managed to either be busy, or one of her friends would come to her with a problem that needed "urgent" attention. Finally, Saturday at six o'clock, I knocked on Mattie's door to pick her up for our date. She almost jumped when she opened the door and saw me standing there.

"Oh, my heavens!" she gasped. "It's Saturday at six, isn't it? You're here to pick me up, aren't you?"

"Well, yes," I responded. "That was our agreement wasn't it?"

"Oh dear, I can't go," she moaned. "I haven't gotten ready."

"You look fine to me," I assured her. "I figured we'd go have a couple of burgers and sodas and then make it over to the movie."

"Nooo!" she said in a panic filled voice. "I can't go out with you, I just can't!"

"If it is something I've done, I apologize for it. I promise you that I'll be on my best behavior. We'll just go for the burger and sodas if you feel uncomfortable about going to the show with me."

"Roy!" she sharply exclaimed. "You haven't done anything. In fact, you had me drunk and helpless, and all you did was help me. I'm the one that did something wrong. I've been avoiding you all week, I've been so embarrassed!"

"There is nothing for you to be embarrassed about. You had too much to drink, but that happens to almost everyone at this school. I don't think anything about it. However, I sure was looking forward to going out with you. Why don't you grab, whatever you have to grab and let's go?"

"Don't go away," her eyes sparkled and a smile lit up her face as she shut the door. Suddenly the door swung back open, "No, you come in—I won't be a minute." She showed me to a chair while she went into the bathroom. Two minutes later, she was back out and we were on our way.

After that night we had several dates, and before long she and I were good friends. It wasn't until our fourth date that I managed to steal a kiss from her. Our dates were short on romance and long on talk. We talked about almost everything in the universe, and the more we talked the closer our friendship grew.

"I love my parents dearly," she confined to me one night, "but they belong to a very strict, conservative, fire and brimstone church. They seem to think that just about everything is a sin. They didn't want me to go away to this school; they wanted me to attend a special church university. However, I wouldn't have been able to have the same major I have here. I was eventually was able to convince them that I wouldn't associate with any devil spawn."

"I didn't think that church you went to was one of those fire and brimstone ones."

"It's not," she blushed. "It is a different denomination. If my folks knew I had changed churches, they would be certain that Satan had me in his grasp. What church do your parents belong to?"

"I don't know," I admitted. "Church going was never a big priority at our house. My parents and I believe in God, but we don't belong to any church. My folks are different than your folks, they are totally liberal. My dad and mom were married while they were living on a commune, and then they went on to law school. You'd think that with both of them being lawyers that we'd be rolling in money, but we are a long way from being rich. My folks see themselves as the champions of the little guy, taking on hopeless causes, in an effort to make the world a little bit better place to live. There isn't a lot of money in doing that sort of thing."

"Wow," Mattie's said in a hushed voice, "it sounds to me as if they are living their faith in their daily lives. I think that is just great."

Somewhere along the line, I realized that neither Mattie nor I were dating others, and our relationship had entered a new phase of exclusiveness. However, we still hadn't done much more than some kissing and little bit of (almost innocent) touching. One night, when we sat in my room, I tried to take our relationship to the next level.

"Mattie, Mattie, Mattie, you are one sexy girl," I gasped as my hands roamed her body. "I have a wonderful bed over there. What say we go make ourselves more comfortable?'

"Roy, I can't," she pulled away from me sadness filling her eyes; "I mean I want to, but I can't. Let me explain, before you get mad and send me away. I know this is difficult for you. Here I am in your room, and we have been going together for months. I wouldn't blame you for telling me to get lost and never come back, but hear me out first. Please?"

"Okay," I sat back as Mattie sat up and straightened her clothes. I looked down at the bulge in my pants, "You have my attention—in more ways than one."

"I'm so sorry Roy," she glanced down to where I was looking. "Look at me; I want to see your eyes when I tell you about this. Do you remember, that I told you that last year I had a boyfriend named Richard? Well, I've never told you the whole story. I was a virgin up until I met Richard. I thought he loved me, and I thought I loved him. We swore to be true to each other, and I had never been happier in all my life. We made love often and each time that we did, I felt that I was falling more and more in love with him. We talked about marriage, right up until the moment, he told me that he had gotten his secret girlfriend pregnant, and was leaving school to marry her.

"He used me! He blinded me with what I thought was love and then he used me. The man I had thought, I might marry had been seeing another girl all along. Everything he had said, everything that he had done had been a lie.

"I want a relationship based on more than sex. I need to be positive about how you feel about me, and about how I feel toward you, before we go any further. I don't want to make the same mistake again—I will not be used again!"

"Sounds like Richard was a real dick!" I stared into her eyes and felt sorry for her pain. I loved Mattie, but I also realized that she had reason to hesitate. After all, I had gone from girl to girl, doing my best to keep from making any sort of long term commitment. Now I was disgusted by Mattie's former boyfriend, while at the same time, I knew that I wasn't much better.

"Mattie, I can promise you one thing," I assured her. "I will never betray you. I have to show you by my actions, rather than my words, how I feel about you. I won't try to push you into anything. When, and if, you feel the time is right, you can let me know."

"Do you really understand?" she asked. When I nodded my head, she smiled and her whole face lit up. "I hoped that you would. Roy, you are my best friend, and I think I'd like you to be something more."

"You're more than a friend to me," I brushed back her hair and smiled, "but that is something I'm going to have to prove to you. There is just one thing I need to know."

"What's that?"

"Is it okay if I still grab a feel every now and then," I said giving her my best roguish smile and a wink, which broke the tension, and we both laughed. I ended up walking her to her room a couple of minutes later.

We continued to see each other regularly, but as the finals before the Christmas holidays approached, we found ourselves dating less and studying more. Sometimes we would study in my room, sometimes in her room, and sometimes at the library. By working as a team, we were able to give each other support, and we took the finals filled with confidence. Then came the holidays, Mattie went back to spend the time with her family and I went home to be with mine.

I found that being home wasn't the same as it had been in the past. It was that Mom, Dad, or the house had changed; instead, I was the one who had changed. I found myself missing Mattie, and I wasn't happy being away from her. Some of my old friends wanted me to go out with partying with them. They picked up some girls, grabbed some beer and began their celebration. I just couldn't get in the mood to enjoy myself and ended up going home.

I spent most of my time at home just sitting and thinking. A couple of times, I roused myself from my thoughts long enough, to see my mother smiling and shaking her head, as she looked at me. When I wasn't thinking about Mattie, I was writing love letters to her. I'd never written a love letter before, but the words just seemed to pour out of my heart. I suppose that if I read those letters today, they would probably embarrass me to no end, but at that time, they seemed to sum up everything I felt, or dared to dream about the girl I loved.

When I got back to school, I went immediately to Mattie's room, but she wasn't there. I asked a couple of her friends if they had heard from her, and they told me that they didn't think that she had returned yet. Classes still weren't set to start for a couple of days, so every few hours I kept dropping by her room, to see if she was there. On the second day, my checking paid off, and a very tired looking Mattie opened her door in response to my knock. She said that she had just gotten in, after having had a terrible trip back. I saw she had her suitcases open, and she was in the process of unpacking. I gave her a big hug and kiss, told her to get some rest, and as I headed out her door, handed her a packet containing the love letters I had written.