Chapter 9

[Jessica] Early July

In an unrecognized form of self-punishment, Jessica resisted the urge to call Julia after she moved out. In fact, she resisted for almost a week, until the day the case documents arrived at the lawyer's office.

During that week, Jessica hardly left her room. Her landlady was a kindly woman with strong mothering instincts. Like almost everyone, she felt the urge to help Jessica, and after a few days, she had the whole story. Jessica found it surprisingly therapeutic to let it out. Julia had had to drag most of it from her, but after that one telling, it was surprisingly easy.

Depressed, enraged, and remorseful by turns, Jessica was not a danger to herself, but neither was she very good company for herself. Three people dominated her mind.

Marie, of course, now triggered nothing but anger. In her psychology courses, she had read about the close relationship between love and hate. Now, she was living it. She could not find any sympathy at all for her mother. Her education told her that there must have been something very, very bad in Marie's background to make her into what she was. That understanding just did not stem the growth of the anger and hatred at all.

Marie had held her so in thrall that even when the resources were at hand, Jessica had not searched for her father. The realization of that made her physically ill at one point. Cliff was obviously one of the three people, in some ways the most important. It was thoughts and memories of him that had finally broken Marie's hold.

Her image of her father was indistinct and highly idealized. There was also some sadness and anger with the image. Why had he not tried to contact her, even when she was old enough?

The third person was, of course, Matt. Her mental images of Matt were conflicted, to say the least. A strong, lingering image, the one that had led her to marriage, was as a substitute for the father she had lost. But then there was Matt expecting sex, validating the worst of what Marie had taught her about men.

As if that was not confused enough, the image of him crying in the other room after sex one night and the rag filled with his spend next to the couch where he had slept instead of with her on their wedding night would never leave her mind.

There were so many other images of Matt from their short few months together. It bothered and confused her that she could not clearly associate an emotion with those images. With Marie, there was anger and hatred. With her father, there was love, longing, and regret. But with Matt, there was such a jumble that she could not isolate any of them.

After a few days, the image of herself began to haunt her, as well. It was an image that she did not like at all. It had nothing to do with her physical beauty, which had been a given for her entire life. It had to do more with dependence, gullibility, and ignorance.

Her wise host let Jessica talk about all of those things, prodding gently to keep the thoughts and the words flowing. One evening when Jessica seemed talked out, the host asked "Have you decided what kind of person you want Jessica to be?"

That question produced another sleepless night. So submissive and controlled had she been that she had never considered that question before. There had been no need to, for Marie was in control of what Jessica would become.

Unable to clearly think about what she wanted to be, Jessica began to instead think about all of the things that she did NOT want to be any longer.

"You knew, didn't you?" Jessica demanded when she had barely sat down in Julia's office at Transformations two evenings later. Julia had to exert a lot of self-control. The woman she saw before her did not look like Jessica. Oh, physically, the same beautiful package was there, but that was where the similarity ended.

The Jessica that Julia had come to know wore expressions that were a contrasting mix of innocence and wariness, certitude and confusion, passion and reserve. Contrasts, conflicts, and irreconcilable opposites ruled her personality.

The Jessica that challenged Julia then looked old, more than anything. There were no more conflicts in her expression. There was just loss, betrayal, and anger.

"When did you find out?" Julia asked gently.

"Yesterday morning."

"When you called so frantic to talk to me?"

"Yes."

"I'm sorry. I did not get home until very late last night," Julia exlained.

"Thank you for taking the time now. You really are a good friend." Just that statement from the woman would have been a shock at any other time. "Why didn't you tell me before?"

"I think you know, Jessica."

After a long pause and a heavy sigh, Jessica said "I would have walked out or defended her." After another long pause, she asked "Dr. Waxman - Julia - is everything she ever told me all wrong?"

Even in Jessica's apparently radically changed mood, Julia did not want to attack Marie head on. She was well aware of how powerful such brainwashing could be. "What things are you not sure about?" was her safest response.

"If Daddy wasn't like she said, was she wrong about all men?"

"Do you think she was wrong about Matt?" Julia asked gently. She knew that Matt was the only important man other than Cliff. The only answer was several minutes of non-stop sobbing.

"While she was at work the day after our last session," Jessica said haltingly after the crying subsided somewhat, "I packed up and Mercy and Ronny help me move to a room Mercy found for me. I didn't tell her where I was going. I ... had to be away from her. I needed somewhere that she couldn't find me."

It was right on the tip of Julia's tongue, but she bit it back. The idea of Jessica at Transformations was just too much of a stretch.

Not too much of a stretch for Jessica, apparently. "Could I stay here for a while?"

"Do you know what this place is?"

"I've heard."

"Then how could you even consider it when you couldn't even let your husband see your body? There are men on the staff here, you know," Julia pointed out.

"I looked at your website, Dr. Waxman. It talks about 'rebirthing'. Did anyone ever need it more than I do?"

"I'm not sure you could deal with it, Jessica."

Another very uncharacteristic expression took over Jessica's face. She stood up and undressed quickly, throwing her clothes carelessly on the chairs. "That door goes out where the women are, doesn't it?" she demanded.

"Yes, it does," Julia admitted.

"Then take me out there, now! Before I lose my nerve!"

"This is not the way to..."

"Julia, please!" Jessica pled in unfeigned desperation. "The nice woman I'm staying with asked me what kind of a person I want to be. I have to have a new life. I can't do it in little steps. Just ... just hold my hand and take me out there."

"Let me call some women who can be with..."

"No! Please! It has to be right now!"

Timing was everything. Julia espoused that principle wholeheartedly. She sensed that the window for Jessica might be as small as seconds. Practically dashing to the door, she unlocked and opened it. Reaching out, she took Jessica's hand and pulled her to the door and through it.

Julia's normally disciplined, orderly mind was a jumble right then. This was as drastic a spontaneous move as she had ever made. She was amazed at the incredible turnaround in the young beauty. Brainwashing victims just did not throw off their indoctrination that easily. She was amused at the thought of all of the reactions to the naked Miss Universe caliber body in the midst of so many women struggling with bodies that they had let go to seed.

Even more amusing was the thought of the effect of Jessica on the male employees. Was this unwarranted job stress for the guys? That thought made her look around to see if any of the men were in sight. Being early evening, there were some. Mark was the first one she noticed, and she blessed his perceptiveness. He understood her head motion and quickly found his dad and Andy, who were doing some late work in the accounting office. Julia was relieved to see the office door close behind the three.

It was without a doubt the strangest arrival of any Transformations resident yet. Despite their looks of amazement, it warmed Julia's heart to see the other residents gather around rather quickly for introductions. There was no disguising the awe and a little jealousy on some faces, but no one was anything but gracious.

When a good percentage of the residents had gathered, Julia made a short announcement. "This is Jessica Longley Conroy. It was as difficult for her to bare herself here as for anyone who has ever entered this place. You will find her to be a warm, sensitive person. She is trying to recover from some ideas that have been drummed into her since her early years. Please, don't be critical when you talk to her. She wants to learn and to change. I will let her tell you her story."

Introductions and a spontaneous tour by some of the residents took twenty or thirty minutes. When Jessica returned to Julia, she said "You told me there were men here."

"They are staying out of sight to give you a chance to adjust. It is what we normally do."

"If I don't do this tonight, I may not have the courage in the morning," Jessica said urgently.

Nodding, Julia led her toward the office. When the men came out, Julia had to support Jessica, but she got through it and was able to exchange a few words with each of the three.

"Norma's on her way," Paul said to Julia. "I assumed you would need her. You look like you need to get home."

"I'll wait until she gets here, then you're right - I've had it. I think Andi should stay close to Jessica for a while. They're the closest women in age."

It was Andy who introduced Jessica and Andi. Andi threw one nervous look in her husband's direction, then turned all of her attention to Jessica. It took only minutes for the unique Jessica appeal to put Andi firmly in Jessica's rooting section. She stripped, and she and Norma stayed right with Jessica for the rest of the evening.

It turned out to be a lot more than just the usual definition of evening. Jessica seemed to think that anything that she did not do right then, she might never have another chance to do. She appeared to be afraid that Marie's control would somehow reach out and claim her again.

It was well past midnight before Jessica realized that Norma and Andi were fading badly and that there were no other women out and about to exchange stories with. She had listened avidly to everyone she could find, starting with Andi. The story of Andi's enslavement and rescue and the ensuing romance had her eyes and nose red, and they stayed that way for the rest of the night.

Missy, with the strength of youth, was more than happy to stay up to be the last to exchange stories with the new resident. It was a good way for Jessica to end the day, as well, hearing from another girl whose home life left much to be desired.

"My problems were nothing compared to Lindsey's, though," Missy said when they were about to part.

"Lindsey?"

"Yeah, Lindsey Hall, the country singer."

"You mean she stayed here?" Jessica asked in amazement.

"No, she volunteers here whenever she can," Missy explained.

"Lindsey is my future daughter-in-law," Norma pointed out. "Paul and Mark, the two men you met earlier, are my husband and son."

That just about blew poor Jessica away. "But, Norma, aren't you afraid they might see you ... like that?"

"Oh, they see me this way all the time. They're naked sometimes, too." Between them, Andi and Norma described the nudity and how it fit into the Transformations approach. When they described the time at the nude resort, Jessica started crying.

When asked why, she stammered "On our h ... honeymoon, there was a nude beach..." that was all she could manage to say.

"I'll get you copies of the articles about Lindsey," Norma said, "and you can read what happened to her. Both her parents have been here, though, and they have done a remarkable turnaround."

Jessica hardly slept at all. There were just too many concepts that clashed with all that she had been taught. Yet, she could already feel the warmth and the care from the people she had met. It was still dark when she got up and headed to the kitchen.

Gretchen was on that morning, humming to herself as she started breakfast preparations. Jessica had not met Gretchen last night, and she instinctively shrank back. "Hi, you must be Jessica. Andy called and told me about you last night. I'm Gretchen Berg, the food service manager."

"Andy?"

"Yes, one of the men you met last night. He's my son. He's married to Andi, who was with you last night."

"Is ... is everyone here related to everyone else?" Jessica asked.

"Sometimes it seems that way, but there's a reason. Julia and the people who started this are very wise. Something like being around nudity all the time could cause problems between family members if some experienced it and some did not."

Jessica and Gretchen chatted for nearly an hour before anyone else showed up. Jessica even helped with a few tasks. They seemed to connect quite strongly. When Andi and Andy came in together and got in a warm group hug with Gretchen, Jessica teared up. She was beginning to realize that tears would be a major component of her life for a while.

Everyone needs some comic relief, and for once, Julia had a chance for some light-hearted fun. Getting there early the next morning, she missed no opportunity to tease the guys about having such a beauty naked in their midst. Mark, who was becoming more and more adept at glib repartee responded to her tease with "Well, I'd say she was the best sight since you showed us what a real woman looks like down at that nude resort."

"Is that any way to talk to your boss, Young Man?" she tried for a comeback.

"Since no one else in the world has a boss as spectacular looking as you, I guess the rules haven't been written yet," was his rebuttal.

"I'd better warn Lindsey about you," was all she could think of for any kind of an exit line.

She had turned away, but spun back and wrapped him in a tight hug. "How'd did I get so lucky to find all of you guys?" she asked, struggling a bit to keep her voice steady.

He had an emotion-easer, though. "Hey, Boss. When a resident's 'after' picture can't possibly look any better than her 'before', is there any point in the picture session?"

Reluctantly breaking the hug, she told him "She needs to be put through the whole drill, just like everyone else. I think the shock of that initial day is essential for getting people receptive."

As had happened several times before, it was only the presence of Norma, casually naked in front of her son, Mark, that distracted Jessica enough to get her through the initial photo session. Mark's jokes about all of her pictures being the same and perfect at every stage helped, too.

Julia was back for dinner and asked Jessica to eat with her in the office. "I'm sorry I have to squeeze you in like this," she apologized.

"How do you do it?" Jessica asked, "Your incredible schedule, I mean."

"I'm not sure," Julia admitted, "and thank you for your concern. Jessica, I could not believe last night. You were like a different person. How did that happen?"

"Julia, I'm not a stupid person, and..."

"Oh, I hope I never implied that you were."

"No, you didn't, but I know you had to deal with me carefully," Jessica said. "It was Daddy. Finding out that she did it just ... I don't know ... made a lot of things clear.

"I admit I still don't know what's right and what's wrong. But I do know this: Daddy was a wonderful person. He never did a single bad thing to me. If she lied about Daddy..."

"I knew that would have a big impact on you," Julia said, "but frankly, you are a classic case of brainwashing. I had no hope that you could change so quickly."

"I may not have changed, yet," Jessica cautioned. "I'm not just here to run away. I need to learn what the truth is."

"But just the fact you could undress and come in here like you did is unbelievable."

"Julia, she stole the two most important men in my life from me - men that just weren't what I was taught that men were like. I am more angry than I have ever been. I want to lash out at the people who let this happen! I want to..."

"I hope you can try to learn and heal and not just focus on revenge," Julia advised.

"I think to me, it's part of healing. You said there were people who could find Daddy. I need to talk to them."

Julia sat in thought for a moment, then plunged in. "Jessica, I need to ask you not to get angry with me until you have heard me out. Will you do that?"

"Why? What would I get angry about?"

"I have met with your father. Now, let me explain why you and he have not met."

"You ... you've met with him? He's here? When can I see him?" Julia breathed a sigh of relief that there was no anger.

"Your father and I decided together that it would be best if you two did not meet until you broke away from your mother on your own. Can you see the logic in that?"

"Did he think I would choose her over him?"

"No, he did not want you to have to make that choice."

"But I already made it," she objected.

"No, it was not a choice between them. It was just a choice of whether to continue under your mother's control or to try to become your own person," Julia explained.

Jessica was very thoughtful for quite a while. "I guess I need to learn how bad I was - how bad she was. Will you get those recordings for me?"

"Certainly. I'll have them here tomorrow."

"When can I see Daddy?"

"Jessica, it is wonderful that you are here. I think we can help you a lot here. It is our policy that residents do not dress or leave the premises until they leave permanently."

"Could Daddy come here?"

Julia had to make a quick decision. She certainly could compromise and let Jessica dress for the meetings with her father. There was plenty of precedent and she could use her discretion. On the other hand, it would be interesting to see what her reaction was if...

"He could, Jessica, and you could use the spare office to meet in. But remember that I said you need to stay naked for your entire stay."

"I don't care! I just want to see him. And right away!" Well, that answered that question.

"I think it would be better if you wore a robe, now that I think about it, Jessica. I'll see when I can set it up."

Julia had no doubt that she could have called Cliff and he would have been there within the hour. She was not sure that was for the best, though. She knew that once they met, Jessica's attention would be heavily on him. If she did not get into the flow of life at the Tee first, it could be disruptive.