Hi Mark. It's Lisa.

Oh, hey. Yeah, I knew it was you.

You did?

Uh huh.

Okay. Listen, I want to ask a favour.

Oh.

It's not so bad.

Right.

No, really. What's that ... noise? No, never mind. Listen, I have to go to the city next weekend.

Oh, hot date?

No, Mark, it's ... you're kidding, right?

Well, only kinda. Shouldn't you have climbed back on the bike by now?

What? Listen, it's only been a few months...

Seven.

... and anyway, how would you know?

You think our kids only talk to you, Lisa?

No, no. Of course not. Oh, God, what are they saying?

Just that they hadn't seen David in a while, and that when they asked you...

Yeah, I told them it was over.

... you told ... yeah.

Okay, listen, it's not so easy, you know.

Oh, I know, alright.

Yeah. Can you remind me, Mark? Why did we split up? What is that noise?

It's ... hold on, one question at a time. We couldn't stand being in the same house. Remember? Screaming and throwing things?

I never threw...

Me.

Oh.

Yeah.

Sorry, Mark.

For what, exactly?

For bringing it up.

Fine. So anyway, next weekend. Can the boys come over?

Yeah, I think so. I'll have to check, and call you back. It's the bath.

Cool. The bath?

Yeah.

What is?

The noise.

Oh. You're in the bath?

Yeah.

You ... Mark, you never have a bath.

I do, too.

You do?

Yeah. Lisa, I can change too, you know.

Yeah, it's just...

What?

... oh, nothing. Oh, hey ... so, you're...

What now?

... naked?

What? Well, of course I'm fucking naked. You have a bath in your smalls?

No, no. Just never thought of it. Bit funny talking to you like this. How would Cindy feel?

Oh, so the boys haven't talked to you, then?

Huh?

I threw her out.

No!

Yes.

Shit. Sorry.

I'm not. Bitch.

Oh, what? ... oh, sorry. Don't mean to be nosy.

Tell you later. I need some distance first.

Okay. You know I understand, right?

Yeah. I will tell you, Lisa. Just not now.

Fair enough.

Thanks.

Okay. Hey?

Mmhmmm.

Listen, none of my business, but ... well, David told me stuff that ... I never thought to ever ask. If ... well, can I ask you something? You can refuse to answer if you want.

I doubt I'll do that. What is it?

Well, no Cindy, right?

No, not for a couple of weeks.

Yeah. So ... well, you don't have ... someone else?

No. Not in any hurry, either.

Okay. So then ... not sure how to ask.

Oh, where is this going?

It's just ... well, do you masturbate?

That sounds very clinical.

Jerk off, then. There, you made me say it.

I didn't make you say anything.

Yeah, but it's so grubby.

Jerking off?

No, no. The word.

Oh. So ... what would you prefer?

Oh, nothing. It's alright. I really should relax.

You should. Take a bath!

Later. But anyway, you didn't really answer.

Of course I do. Didn't I before?

Did you?

Of course I did. You helped me.

Yeah, but that was before ... you know, when I was a virgin.

And ... you think I stopped after that?

Didn't you?

Hell no!

Oh.

I did it a lot less, but you weren't always around, you know. And sometimes, well a man just wants to take care of things.

Yeah, David said that. I never knew, you know.

I thought you just didn't want to talk about it.

Well, that too.

So ... what about you?

Huh?

Well, don't you?

Don't I what?

Masturbate.

I ... oh. Do I need to answer that?

Not much point now, is there?

I guess not.

But it would probably be good for you. Didn't David ask?

Yeah. I wouldn't tell him, either.

Aha.

Yeah. Oh, hell, alright, yes. I do.

See, that wasn't so bad.

Oh, yes it was.

Sorry.

No, no. I needed to say it, I guess.

So, how often?

What?

How often do you do it, Lisa? I mean, no man for a few months, right? How do you cope? You used to before we met, too, right?

Oh, you have no right to be asking me that.

No?

No, Mark.

Okay.

Is it?

Yeah. Don't answer then.

You ... you know I did, right?

I assumed so. You certainly weren't shocked when I did it for you.

No. And ... about weekly, I guess.

Really?

Really, what? Is that too often, or not often enough?

Neither. I'm just surprised you told me.

So am I. What about you?

What, frequency?

Yeah.

Every couple days, I guess.

That often?

Oh, is that a lot, little Miss weekly? You taking the high moral ground here?

Well, maybe not, actually. I have ... well, you remember I used to jump on you, the week before?

Oh, how could I forget?

Yeah, well then...

Yes?

... can we really have this conversation? Most nights, during that week.

Oh.

And some mornings.

Oh, you are a barrel of surprises.

I thought ... maybe if I say it all at once.

Hmm ... ask you something else?

How could I stop you?

You could just say no, and I'd stop.

Yeah. You always were a gentleman that way.

Thanks. So?

Go on. I can always hang up.

Please don't. So where do you do it?

Oh! Well, the bed, mostly. Don't you?

Yeah, mostly. Anywhere else?

Oh, God. Alright, the shower. Especially...

Oh, some ... time?

Uh huh. Well, when I ... you know.

Nope.

My period, alright? I masturbate in the shower when I've got my period. Alright? And you knew what I meant.

Fine. You cross with me now?

No. Strangely I'm not. I'm curious.

Oh, yes?

Yeah.

What about?

Well, what about you?

Huh?

Don't you play dumb with me, Mark Maloney. You know exactly what I mean. Again.

Yeah, but can you ask?

Arrrgh! Okay, how about this? Aside from the bed, Mr Maloney, where else do you jerk off?

Ooh, now I'm stunned.

Uh huh. Don't change the subject.

I'm not sure I should answer.

Oh, no. None of that. You aren't remotely embarrassed. Out with it.

Well, alright, but don't...

Yeah, yeah, told you so. Right. Give.

Well, I do it in the shower too...

Oh, that all?

... and...

Yes?

... the bath, sometimes.

Oh.

Nothing to add?

Nope.

Hee hee.

Except...

Oh oh. Lisa, you kill me.