Chapter 4

Anna liked to sit in the quad of the Arts Faculty building - on a bench with panoramic views of people coming and going. A week after The Curse's single 'Darkside' hit the radio Anna's bench featured a scrum of admirers.

At first Michelle enjoyed the novelty of strangers coming up to the pair telling them how much they liked the song. Some even wanted to share depressed moments in their lives and some suggested counselling agencies her and Anna might like to contact.

'No, they hadn't written the words and the pair were definitely not suicidal.'

"It's just a song," she told them, but she was growing tired of explaining.

People wanted to know the story behind the words. The Curse seemed to have established an emotional connection with so many people it was truly scary.

Anna was established, in many people's minds, as the glamour focus of the band. Michelle, on the other hand, was 'the quiet one, ' the 'George Harrison of The Curse.' As such, her still waters must run deep. Karen, as 'just the drummer' seemed to escape most people's attention, thanks, in part, to her natural reticence.

Mick was not a frequent face on campus and so dodged most of the attention. Very few students had a clue who he was, in any case, or that he'd been a local star in his day. Music was such a generational thing that the stars of yesteryear had absolutely no relevance to the fans of The Curse.

Ironically, very few of the fans were aware he was the writer of the lyric that so captured their imagination. Or, indeed, that he and the ignored Karen had been mostly responsible for the hypnotic tune.

All this seemed not to bother Karen one whit. As usual, she'd turn up for practice dead on time and anxious to get to work. With increasing confidence, she was becoming a major contributor to the creation of The Curse's catelogue. If the fans thought Michelle's waters ran deep, Karen was still very much a mystery wrapped in an enigma.

Band meetings took on more of a potency, perhaps even an urgency. Several hangers-on would often turn up, beside the ever present Freddie Junior, often claiming they'd been invited by Anna. Mick suggested they keep a close eye on the situation lest things get out of hand. Here Freddie, a bulky and seemingly intimating individual, was an asset as few guests were willing to invite his displeasure.

Flyblown offered the band a contract with generous terms. Mick felt they could hardly refuse because of the break they'd given them. The small label and studio was a two man operation having been started by a couple of enthusiastic youngsters. Mick invited them to their rehearsals and they went away pleased with what they'd heard and seen.

With a contract signed Mick knew they had to put the partnership of the band on a legal footing. Everybody was getting on famously well, at the moment, but Mick knew that was unlikely to last. If they made any money the potential for internal conflict would increase as a consequence.

They were still setting a furious schedual of practice and rehearsals and some signs of fatigue were developing.

As was usual, the singer was the first to show evidence of exhaustion. The voice can only be abused so far, whereas those playing instruments took longer to wear out.

The band itself was running hot at practice. Songs were coming together faster, with them all having a clearer sense of how their music should sound. Although Mick had doubts about the commercial possibilities of their dark music, he had to admit that there was something going on.

He, Michelle, Freddie and sometimes Anna and, less frequently, Terry, often adjourned to the local after. They were still unknown at the pub, the patrons and punters having little interest in what The Curse were doing. Business was banned from being discussed - Mick thought it unfair to make decisions without Karen, who never turned up for a drink.

Two or three nights a week Michelle would come back with him to his flat. The logistics of getting her to and from University in the morning made it awkward for them to see each other more. Mick was never an early riser and Michelle thought it too much trouble to get him up first thing to drive her anywhere.

They decided to do another live gig at the University to 'consolidate.' Anna persuaded the Student Union to do publicity for nothing and they'd only be up for the cost of the hall, at 'special friend's' rates. Ever watchful of spending the band's limited kitty, Mick was easily persuaded by the sweetheart terms.

"After Uni," Mick declared, "I'm urging everyone to take a fortnight's break. During that time, I think Freddie and I should organise the legal side of things before stuff gets out of hand."

Michelle readily agreed - Mick having already talked it over with her. Anna needed little persuading, telling everyone her voice needed a break. Karen was strangely reluctant, saying she saw no reason why they couldn't keep working.

"Nothing to stop you coming here anytime for a little practice?" Freddie suggested. With that offer, she, too, agreed to the break.

"I think Freddie should be included as our fifth partner," Mick continued, "after all, he's as much a part of the band as everyone?" There was no argument. "Also, we need to select someone who will represent the band. Someone we all trust to speak for us. They will not necesarily be a manager," Mick stressed, "and all decisions should still be made by all of us."

"You, obviously," Michelle said, "you've the most experience, you're the obvious choice."

"Ah?" Anna spoke up, "I wouldn't want to put you down, Mick, but don't you think you're a little old? I mean, they will be the face of the band, right?"

"Anna?" Michelle started to protest.

"No, hold on!" Mick put up his hand, "I think Anna has a good point. It's all about branding and image and, well, look at me?" he laughed.

"No, Mick! Anna? What are you up to?" asked Michelle.

"We want someone who'll represent the band," she explained, "like Mick says, 'be the image?'"

"You putting your hand up?" Freddie asked Anna.

"Well, I'm the singer. Like it or not, people look to me for..."

"Well maybe it's a good idea to spread the responsibility around?" Mick told everyone. "I don't really want to dominate. I'm just happy to go along..."

"See?" Anna made a face at Michelle.

"You're just lovin' this, aren't you?" Michelle snarled at Anna.

"Girls, girls!" Mick put up his hand, "look, maybe if this is too difficult right now..."

"No, fine!" Michelle said in a voice that made it clear it wasn't. "Anna can play the star. See if I care?"

Mick looked at Freddie who rolled his eyes.

He and Michelle drove back to his place in silence afterwards. Mick thought if the girls were starting to fall out at this stage, wait until later? Michelle had a face like thunder and he suspected there was a lot more going on he wasn't aware of.

"She's being a real bitch to me at the moment," Michelle complained after they'd got in the door, "she's fucking insufferable."

"Alright, alright," Mick said, holding her lightly by the shoulders, "so what's been happening?"

"It's not fair, Mick. We wouldn't be where we are if it wasn't for you. She just wants to push herself in front of the cameras."

"Hey, so what? Let her smile and sashay and we'll just get on making music. You don't really want to be answering all those dipshit questions anyway, do you? I certainly don't. The truth is, the way the Press works, they'll always be wanting to take her picture. You really want some cameraman trying to get a down-blouse shot of you all the time?"

"You saying I'm not pretty enough?"

"Oh, for Christ's sake," Mick said in exasperation, slapping his forehead.

"Just kiddin', Mick. You're such an easy mark."

"Look, honey, you girls are going to have to resolve stuff between you. You lot are a fucking mystery to me. One minute you're all over each other like a rash and the next you're spitting tacks. I can't keep up with it all."

Later, they cuddled in bed talking. Michelle tried to put Mick in the picture - about the cause of the latest spat within the songwriting partnership.

"She's just loving being the centre of attention. Everyone thinks she wrote 'Darkside, ' y'know? She doesn't say who really wrote it. She wants all the credit herself."

"Y'know what I think?" Mick said, "you won't like it?"

"What?" she asked, suspicious.

"Well, at first, Anna felt rejected because you were hanging out with me, no? She was afraid of losing you. It seems now the shoe's on the other foot and it's you who's fearing rejection."

"That's bullshit!" she snapped, "why do you think so?"

"She's grabbin' the attention leaving you out of the mix. Does she ever say, 'here is my best friend and she plays a really great bass guitar. We write everything together.' Huh? Does she tell everyone that?" Michelle shook her head. "And what else, Michelle? Is she going out more with her friends? Maybe there's a boyfriend in there - a girlfriend, maybe? Is she sleeping with some guy?"

"No, she isn't!" she insisted, "but, I guess, some of the other stuff is true. I don't see her quite as much and she is going out more often."

"While we're at it," Mick continued, "just what the hell is it with you two? Can I be honest?" She nodded uncertainly. "Do you sleep with her?"

"Sometimes," she replied, her voice a whisper.

"I mean, sleep! Not like buddies, but..."

"Like sex?"

"Yeah! Look, I really don't care, y'know..."

"You asking me if I have sex with Anna?" Her tone of voice suggested to Mick he maybe shouldn't have asked the question. "Like I'm bisexual or something?"

"Look, it doesn't bother me in the least," he tried to explain, "it's just that, if we're going to be a couple, I ought to know."

"What you're really asking, Mick, is whether I've been faithful to you? Is that how little you think of me? Is that what you think of my morals?"

"Michelle? You haven't answered the question. It sounds like you're evading?"

"Does it?" Her voice was cold, now, and brimming with offence. "You think you know so much, why don't you answer the question?"

"I've heard you in her room. You sometimes slip in there early in the morning when you think I'm asleep."

"You been spying?"

"No! Sometimes you wake me up when you get out of bed."

"So you've never peeked through the door?"

"Of course not. What do you take me for?"

"I'm beginning to wonder. So you think me and Anna have been fucking? That's a laugh!" Again, her tone of voice suggested she was far from amused.

"Why can't you just be straight with me? I've always been completely honest."

"Have you? You wait all this time to tell me you think I'm a dyke and you claim you're honest?"

"Ok, Michelle, guilty! Now, can we discus you and Anna's relationship?"

"Maybe I don't want to tell you?"

"Obviously!" Mick snapped, frustrated, "and maybe we can go on all night with you evading answers? Then, again, maybe we can try a little 'cards on the fucking table' and share stuff we maybe find hard to talk about? Maybe, that's what a true partnership is built on? Talking about the shit we find tough?"

"Partnerships are built on trust."

"Absolutely! So why do you find it so hard to trust me?"

Michelle recoiled as if stung. She was silent for an uncomfortably long time. "Ok," she squeaked, eventually, "I don't want to fight. You want me to tell you stuff? Does the same go for you? You going to tell me about the shit, too?"

"I guess that's what it's all about, Michelle."

"You ever had sex with a guy?" she asked, with a flicker of a grin.

"Ahh, not that I recall," he pondered, "unless I was so smashed I forgot! You?"

"Errm, maybe one or two!" she teased. "One I recall was a great lay!"

"Oh? Who?"

"Some slob!" she giggled, "how many women you slept with?"

"Holy, shit!" Mick laughed, "I'm sorry, I don't have that many fingers and toes."

"Fucking rock stars! So, who was the best?"

"That's a set up question," Mick laughed, "whichever way I answer I'm cooked! Ahh, I'm in bed with you - do the math?"

"Oh, great save!" she laughed, "cute, very cute!"

"Next one?"

"Who's Sabby? I've heard you say that name, sometimes, in your sleep?"

"Ah! 'Sabby?'" Mick ran his finger through his beard, "ah! Um, her real name was Sabra Gideon-David. She was born in the Northern Israeli port city of Haifa..."

"Mick, I don't want her CV. I know she was born - who was she?"

"Huh!" he let his breath go suddenly. Looking down at his hands, he continued. "I first met her way back in 74/75. She was going with one of the guys in my band. She'd follow us around on tour. Even then, I had the hots for her," he stiffled a laugh, "she was stunning, absolutely stunning, and I think all the guys were in love with her."

"Including you?"

"In the worse way!" he smiled, "it was obsessional - a physical thing, the likes of which... well, you get the picture."

"Right! So you hooked up?"

"Broke up the band," he laughed, "we lost two members because of the shit that went down. Six years we were together - practically married!"

"So you split?"

"I guess. She just cleared out! One day she was there, then the next... I don't know what happened - even today, I've still no idea. I didn't realise anything was wrong. She never told me she was unhappy. I just don't know..."

"I'm sorry, Mick," she hugged him, "it must've been hard for you."

"When I realised she was never coming back I guess I just fell to pieces. At that time, punk rock was taking over and my career was going down the toilet. All these things came at once - I couldn't cope."

"Y'know? Sometimes it feels like you're holding something back. Like you're not willing to commit to the relationship. I kinda see, now, that, maybe, you're afraid I'll take off like her?"

"Does it bother you?"

"Yeah... yeah, it does," she pondered, "I didn't think it matters but it does. I guess I'm afraid you won't be there one day, too."

"What a pair of dumb shits!" Mick told her, running his fingers through her hair. "Each afraid of the other leaving?"

"You've never said you love me, Mick. I know because I'd remember... boy, would I remember!"

"Those words important to you?" he asked, "I thought actions..."

"Yes, they are, Mick!" she interrupted, "right now they are the most important words in the universe."

"Well, I guess, of course I love you. Would I go through all this shit if it wasn't so?"

"Would you?"

"Anna?"

"Anna?"

"You've successfully avoided talking about Anna," Mick told her, "now it's your turn to spill."

"I... I, don't know that there's too much to tell," she said, "it's not that I'm trying to avoid answering. I just don't know what to say."

"Sex?"

"Oh, typical male!" she laughed, "like straight to the point, huh?"

"Michelle? You're trying so hard not to answer. What's a guy going to think, huh?"

"We faced puberty together," she smiled, "that's all I'm prepared to say."

"Michelle? You're bloody infuriating!"

"Well, didn't you guys go through the curiosity phase? All these things happening to your body? Didn't you at least check out what was happening to your buddies?"

"Not that I recall, no," he laughed, "but then, my 'buddies' were mostly girls. That's why I learned guitar, to attract the girls."

"Huh!"

"So you fooled around a little?"

"Sure, I guess. Anna has this thing about saving herself for marriage. She's kinda real straight about such things. She's got lots of male friends, but she tells them straight out what they're allowed to do and that's not much," she grinned. "She knows all about it, though, we sometimes laugh about it afterwards."

"About what?"

"Y'know, about having guys on? You'd call her a 'real prick tease.'"

"Huh! Very likely! I could see that, I could."

"Yeah, but that's not answering your question, is it? Depends on what you call 'sex?'"

"The 'Bill Clinton' question?"

"Yeah!" she laughed, "okay, we, ah, fooled around a bit, I guess. Kissed and stuff, y'know?"

"She a good kisser?"

"Beast!" she batted at him, "you're just doing this as a turn on, aren't you?"

"Of course not," he smiled, "starter question for ten?"

"As a matter of a fact she's real good and some guy is going to have the time of his life. There, is that what you want?"

"Hmm, go on?"

"No, I haven't licked her twat and she hasn't stuck her fingers up me. Nor all the other stuff you slobbering guys imagine girls do all the time."

"I'd never..."

"We cuddle, okay? And there's nothing wrong with it. I like her touching me and I enjoy my arms around her. We have a special love for each other that's got nothing to do with sex. So, we touch and cuddle some? What the fuck's wrong with that?"

Michelle's eyes ran with tears and her face appeared stricken. Mick brought her into his chest and whispered that everything was okay. With the scent of her shampoo pervading his senses he, again, told her how much he loved her.

Doubts persisted and Mick thought himself a fraud. The love stuff just didn't feel honest to him at this point in their relationship. Was it just about 'holding back' through some fear of rejection as Michelle claimed? Or was there other doubts in his mind - doubts about the nature of Michelle and Anna's 'special love?'

Did it really bother him if her and Anna had raging great sex every other night? Strangely, he thought, he felt little jealousy about that. Jealous of a woman lover just didn't resonate the way a male would. Perhaps he ought to examine his attitude to homosexuality, he wondered? Perhaps he didn't see gay relationships as legitimate, when his liberal aspirations would demand he did? That bothered him more and fed his belief he was being a fraud.

He eased down in the bed and Michelle spooned into him. He hugged her a little tighter and she hummed in contentment. When Mick closed his eyes, a vivid picture flashed into his mind.

He saw a twining of pale limbs and squirming bodies. He heard the sighs and gasps of two people locked into an erotic dance. There was a cascade of blond hair, one slightly darker than the other, and two sets of breasts being caressed and nibbled. As the dream unfolded, he saw his lover's face - eyes closed, and teeth clenched in ecstasy. Anna smiled over her as she continued to molest her with fingers, or the sawing of her thigh - the dream was unclear.