Chapter 32

Julie sat at her study desk, her back to the body on the floor of her bedroom.

She brought up a word processing program on her ancient pc. Then she reached to her rack of CD's and selected two to place on her desk. She pulled the lyrics inserts from the CD cases, and tore out two of the pages. She sat at the desk, staring at the lyrics sheets before her.

Eventually, she began to type, stopping and staring at the words flickering on the screen after completing every line; sometimes after individual words.

"Dear Bobby,

"I am so sorry...

"I still love you.

"Thank you for letting me be with you.

"I had a real life, for once; for a while.

"You and Sammy were the best thing that ever happened to me. But...

"Some things are just not meant to be...

"I wish this hadn't happened... But...

"I had to protect you.

"I know you would give your life to save me.

"I couldn't let that happen.

"Now I have to leave.

"Please don't blame yourself.

"It's not your fault.

"I was broken a long time ago, long before we met.

"I'm sorry,

"I love you,

"Julie."

She printed the note, and then stapled the lyrics page, torn from the first CD liner, to the bottom of the note. It was Macy Gray's "The Letter."

At the top of the page, she wrote simply, "Mom." She took a highlighter, and applied it to the words:

"Mama don't be sad for me

"Life was a heartache, and now I'm finally free."

Then she stapled the page from the second CD to the bottom of the first. It was REM's "Everybody Hurts."

At the top of the page, she wrote, "Bobby — I'll be fine. Take care of Sammy and your mom. Love, Julie."

She took her highlighter, and applied it to words in different parts of the song:

"Don't let yourself go,

"everybody cries

"and everybody hurts sometimes.
"Take comfort in your friends.
"You are not alone."

She centered the notes on the top of her desk, placing the pistol next to them.

She picked up the baggy from her nightstand that Van had brought. She shook all of its contents out onto her mirror, and used her razor to push the powder into several rows of thick lines.

She paused and looked around herself, around her room, and then into the hallway outside her door. Stepping over Van's body, she went to the trailer's door, and made sure all the hardware on it was unlocked.

Returning to her room, she sat in front of her mirror, staring over it out her window into the night. She saw a flash of lightning, still too far away for her to hear the thunder.

"Storm's headed this way," she thought.

She bent her head to her mirror, and didn't raise it again until the mirror's surface was empty.

She went to her bed and sat down. Folding her legs underneath herself, she leaned against the headboard and looked out the window.

As the lightning flashes came closer, Julie sighed in contentment. She felt a deep calm; a serenity that she hadn't felt in such a long time.

She saw the rain begin to strike the window pane in front of her. She smiled as she watched the drops try to cling to its surface. Eventually, bowing to the inevitable, they let go and streaked downwards.

"Sometimes you just have to let go," she thought.

Her eyes began to have trouble following the drops. There were too many of them to keep track of. She decided to close her eyes for a minute, to give them some rest.

Julie sighed and relaxed further against the headboard, listening to the sound of the rain.

The storm, that had been threatening all day, arrived in earnest. The heavy rainfall made a gentle, soothing sound on the trailer roof.

"Wow," she thought, listening to the sounds of the storm getting louder, more insistent.

"It's so beautiful."