Chapter 15

The knife rose and fell, rose and fell, with rhythm and power, slashing through every thing before it.

Barbara was chopping up ingredients for a salad, deep in thought. She was preparing to host Raul for dinner, having earlier dropped off Bobby at Raul's house with an overnight bag. They had been alternating hosting each other's family for dinner almost every week since she and Bobby had moved to the neighborhood. However this was the first childless hosting of Raul at her home, since he'd had her over to his house.

"Or since we had each other," she thought with a giggle.

Barbara had been on cloud nine since then. Raul had proven to be a great lover. He'd perhaps not yet proven to be as imaginative as some, but it was early in their relationship, and in any case she could work on that over time. She couldn't teach him stamina, passion, and physical attractiveness.

Raul had all those things in vast abundance, leaving her ecstatic and gasping with the power of his love making. He was almost overwhelming in his relentless pursuit of her orgasm, and several times she'd felt completely at his mercy as he pleased her body over and over again.

What was troubling Barbara as she prepared to host her lover was not any shortcoming of Raul. She was reflecting on regrets she had about her relationship with her late husband, John.

She'd sensed early on that John was insecure about the difference in their ages, and her attractiveness to other men. She did her best to reassure him at every opportunity, and over time, she soothed his worries away.

But as part of that effort, she'd chosen to not share much of her sexual history or philosophies with him, as she knew it would only exacerbate his concerns. Now that he was gone she wondered if she'd done the right thing.

She didn't like that she'd held anything back from her mate. If possible, she didn't want to repeat that with Raul. The question was: how accepting would Raul be to some of the bombshells she could potentially drop on him?

If she told him her brother was her first lover, and that she would still like to occasionally make love to Scott, would it be something he could accept?

If she told him that she thought teaching family members about sex, even perhaps someday having sex with Bobby, was something she viewed as a natural loving act, could he accept that?

If she told him that until she fell in love with John, that she'd been by some standards promiscuous, with both men and women, could he accept that?

Most importantly, if she felt he couldn't accept these things, did she want to repeat her solution with John, and simply hide part of herself from her partner? She went back and forth, never reaching a conclusion.

The approach she finally decided on for introducing all these subjects with Raul was through the pretty young school teacher, Sandy Goodwin.

Based on her intuition and past experience, it was clear to Barbara that Sandy was interested in a relationship with her, or possibly, if Barbara chose to explore it, with her and Raul.

"What man wouldn't be interested in at least discussing a threesome with two beautiful women?" she thought.

She speculated that she could use discussing Sandy as an ice breaker, for the subject of the boundaries of their developing sexual relationship. Then if that went well she could expand it to include her sharing more about her sexual outlook and history.

She thought that John would have approved of Raul. Bobby already thought highly of him, frequently seeking his advice and enjoying his company. She was growing to love Sammy more day by day.

As she'd thought at the beginning of an earlier date: "I like this man. Please don't let me screw this up!"

Just then, the doorbell rang.

Barbara and Raul were snuggled together on the coach, nursing their after dinner glasses of wine while holding hands. Barbara marveled at how easy it was to talk to Raul about anything, from their kids, to current events, the arts — he was such a good conversationalist.

She was so glad she'd gotten to know him through their kids while John was alive. She'd known then that he was a kind man and a caring parent. But she was now discovering how surprisingly deep he was as well.

It was the ease with which they could converse that let Raul know that something was on Barbara's mind. It was unlike her to hesitate or skirt a subject, so her reticence, at least to his finely tuned senses, was clear.

"So what is it Barb?" he asked during a lull in the conversation.

"Huh?" said Barbara, with a 'caught' look passing briefly over her face.

"What is it you want to talk about, but don't know how to start?" he asked teasingly.

"Oh you think you know me, do you? I'll have you know I am a woman of mystery."

"Uh huh."

"Men can never truly know what a woman is thinking."

"You're right about that. Sometimes we have to tickle it out of them," he replied, raising an eyebrow at her.

"Don't get any ideas, buster."

"Then talk. We have ways of making you talk."

"Do any of those ways involve restraints and lubricants that can be easily laundered out of fine washables?"

"Possibly."

"I may never talk again."

"I didn't know you were into that kind of stuff."

"I told you, I'm a woman of mystery."

"I look forward to probing your mystery."

"Probing?"

"Yes. Probing."

"That's an interesting word. Probing."

"Don't change the subject."

"What subject?" she asked innocently.

"The one you seem to be afraid to talk about," he said, deliberately baiting her.

"I fear nothing and no man," she replied mildly.

"Surely you jest."

"I mean it, and don't call me Shirley."

"Feel free to get it off your chest."

"I'd rather just have you feel my chest."

"Barbara Taylor!" he exclaimed in exasperation.

Pleased that he cracked first, she hugged him and then rested her head on his chest. She drew circles with her finger on the arm that embraced her.

"So you're going out car shopping with Sandy this weekend, right?" she began.

Raul blinked at the apparent change of direction. "Uh, right. She's going to drive the bug and pick me up. That way if we find something and she buys it, we can just drop the bug off back at the shop and save another round trip."

"I like her." She'd earlier mentioned to Raul that Sandy had come in to thank her and Sammy when she'd dropped Bobby off at home.

"Yeah, she seems like a good kid. Bobby says she's a good teacher too. He told me she makes the boys in her class feel comfortable and makes sure they're learning, even if most of her students are girls."

"She's very pretty too," said Barbara cautiously.

"She is a pretty young thing isn't she?" answered Raul, becoming more mystified at where the conversation was going.

"I'd like to see more of her, even after we get her car troubles sorted out. We seemed to kind of connect when she was here. You liked her too, right?"

Raul thought he'd already answered that. "Yes I did," he said. He waited patiently for Barbara to go on.

Barbara screwed up her courage. "Raul, I want to ask you about some things. And I want you to know that however you answer is okay with me. There is no right or wrong answer. But it's about stuff that I was never brave enough to talk to John about, and I regret that. I don't want us to have any secrets from each other."

Raul was both alarmed and intrigued. The bottom line though, was that he was head over heels in love with this woman. He would walk over broken glass to keep her in his and his daughter's life.

"I want that too, Barbara. We should be able to tell each other anything." He looked at her reassuringly. "What do you want to ask me?"

"When I said that Sandy and I 'connected' when she was here, I didn't just mean we got along well together." She stopped there and watched Raul for his reaction.

Raul slowly digested that incomplete statement. "Ohh kaay," he said slowly. "Do you mean, uh, you were attracted to each other?"

Barbara prepared herself to make the leap. "Yes," she finally whispered to him, almost too softly for him to hear.

"In my past," she went on hesitantly, "and I'm talking about before I married John, I did, uh, have some relationships that were somewhat non-traditional."

"Alright," said Raul impassively.

"And I never told John about those relationships, because I didn't think he could handle it. By 'handle it' I mean he might have thought those experiences were a threat to our relationship. They weren't," she added hurriedly. "But even though they were in my past, I decided it was better for my relationship with my husband not to tell him about them."

She drew more circles on his arm. "In many ways Raul, I think you're a stronger man than John was. Don't get me wrong, I'm not finding fault with John. I miss him terribly. But I see you as a more secure man."

She looked up at him, and he could make out the fear on her face. "I know I'm taking a big risk talking to you about this. But Raul — I'm falling in love with you. I want you to know who I am. All of me. I don't want to hold anything back from you."

Raul reached down and stroked her hair. He wanted to reassure her, but he also wanted to be sure what was under discussion.

"I fell in love with you a long time ago, Barb. Your being with me is still like a dream that I have to convince myself is real every day." Barbara made a happy squeak and plastered her lips to his, gripping his firm shoulders in a fierce hug.

After the hug had subsided and she was back nestled under his arm, he went on. "I think I understand about you not talking about your past with John." He paused to look at her, and she nodded. "But you started this conversation by bringing up Sandy, and you being attracted to each other, and there was something you wanted to ask me." He then fell silent, patiently waiting for Barbara to decide how to respond. It was a conversation technique that required self discipline, but Raul had plenty of that.

Finally Barbara said, "I want to ask you what kind of relationship you want to have with me. I'm not asking you to marry me, because what I'm asking applies whether or not we're married. If you want to have a completely monogamous relationship with me, I can try to do that. That was the kind of relationship I tried to have with John, and for the most part I did. I tried to do that because that's what my partner wanted, but it was all just assumed. I don't want to assume anything with you, and I don't want you to assume anything about me."

Raul asked, "So you want an open relationship?"

Barbara sighed. "That's too undefined to answer, Raul. I guess I'd like to talk about some beliefs I have about love, and how it's expressed between people that care about each other."

"Okay, shoot."

Pleased that he was showing an accepting attitude so far, she dove in.

"I believe that each of us needs a primary, emotionally committed relationship. Like between a husband and a wife. But I also believe that others can sometimes participate in that relationship - if both partners agree it will bring more happiness and love to the relationship.