Chapter 8: Jane and Roger

The best way to describe the emotional states of both Jane and Roger is to use the word "rattled". Both had watched as potential partners had paired up and left the room. Both had yearned to be partnered with each other, on the one hand. On the other, both were terrified that they would end up together. Roger felt almost sick at his stomach, because he knew that spending time with this beautiful young woman would result in feelings he didn't know how to deal with. Jane felt exactly the same way.

When, at last, they were alone, neither looked at the other with more than quick glances.

"Well," said Roger, finally.

"Yes." Jane's voice was weak.

"I guess we kind of got paired up... again," said Roger, remembering how she looked in her yellow bikini.

"Yes." Her voice wasn't any stronger.

"If you don't want to be with me, I'll understand," said Roger painfully.

"No!" she blurted, and then blushed. "I mean... it's fine."

Now he did look at her. "Why is this so hard?" he asked.

"I don't know," she said softly.

"There has to be a reason," he said. "We're both adults. We both teach. This should be easy."

"I know," she agreed. "But it's not."

"Why?" he asked.

"I don't KNOW!" she barked, looking uncomfortable.

"I think I do," he said.

She turned to look at him. The question in her eyes was obvious.

Roger felt like the world was about to tear apart as he decided to say what was on his mind. Wasn't that what Bob had said to do? She might run screaming from the room, but maybe that wouldn't be so terrible. At least it would be over, and this tension would break. He took a deep breath.

"I think we're attracted to each other," he said softly.

The look on her face was priceless. First there was shock, followed closely by a look of surprise, and then she slumped, looked for a chair and sat down heavily.

Roger stood there, waiting. He couldn't tell how she felt. She hadn't run screaming from the room, but that didn't mean she agreed with him.

Now it was Jane's world that felt like something must explode any second, and fly into pieces that would wreck everything. How could she admit to him that he fueled her fantasy? DID he fuel her fantasy? She knew she was attracted to him. His calm announcement of that fact had surprised her, but only because he appeared to know it. She HAD almost thrown herself at him, in the sauna, but he had just admitted that he was attracted to her too! She had no idea what to do or say. He was just standing there, waiting for her to do something. She felt panic in her belly. If she just told him about her father, maybe he'd be horrified and leave. The thought of that tore at her innards... but SOMETHING had to happen or she'd go stark, raving mad!

His voice startled her so much that she jumped when he said: "Maybe we could talk about that?"

She looked up at him, and her eyes went to the gray wings on the side of his head. He was attracted to her. She felt her body almost bulge with the tension. When they talked, he'd lose that attraction. That would be best. When her study partner had taken her, she'd felt this same bulge in her body, a yearning to fly apart and become something new. When he'd spurted in her belly, the orgasm she'd had had felt like that... like she was flying into pieces that would assemble to make a new woman when they drifted back together. She somehow knew that she could reach the same place with Roger, but that wasn't allowed... couldn't be. She had to tell him. She had to make him hate her. Only then could she resist these feelings.

"Yes," she said, her voice raspy. "Yes. We have to talk about that."

Once they had decided to talk about their attraction to each other, the next step was to decide where to do that. Both thought of their rooms, and both discarded that idea for the same reason - there was a bed in the room. It wasn't that either one thought anything was actually going to happen between them. It was just that the bed would make them each think of what they WANTED to happen between them. And, of course, neither yet knew that both of them was thinking about the very same thing.

Such is the situation when communication has not yet taken place.

It was natural for Roger to think of something they'd already done, which might seem more comfortable.

"In the sauna?" he asked.

Jane looked at him and remembered how she'd felt the last time they were in the sauna.

"No," she said. She realized that sounded like she was rejecting his idea out-of-hand. "Somebody might come in," she added, trying to undo what she thought she'd just done.

"True," he said. The fact that she didn't want to be disturbed made something tingle inside him.

"Not one of our rooms," he said, voicing his previous thought.

"No," she agreed. She was frustrated that all she was giving him was negatives. "How did this happen?" she asked, her frustration driving her to say... something... anything at all.

"According to Bob, it's a natural phenomenon," said Roger, also saying something just to be saying... something. "I have to admit, though, that I find it somewhat astonishing."

Jane's first thought was that he was astonished that he could be attracted to her, something she could agree with. She was just a mousy girl from the hills. He was a sophisticated older man. He'd been married to the love of his life. He still missed her. How could he find any attraction for her?

"We could just stay here," suggested Roger. "It's quiet, and nobody will bother us."

Jane glanced at him. She just wanted it to be over.

"I'm in love with my father," she blurted, unable to keep it inside any longer.

"Really?" said Roger, unable to process the information because it was so unexpected.

"I think that's why I'm attracted to you," she moaned. "You remind me of him."

"Really?" He was still having trouble adjusting to the fact that they were suddenly talking about something that was obviously very important to her.

"I'm perverted," she said, putting her face into her hands.

Roger looked at the woman he was so interested in. He hadn't had time to adjust to her startling statement, and couldn't think of her as being perverted at all. That might come in the future, but he couldn't think of her that way right now. His own kink flooded his mind.

"Don't feel bad," he heard himself say. "I have a thing for young girls. You're no more perverted than I am."

Her head snapped up. There were tears in her eyes.

"But I'm not that young," she said.

"I know that, but your appearance..." He trailed off. "You're actions are very... innocent," he added uncomfortably.

"I'd think you'd be attracted to Lori," she said, unable to grapple with his admission.

"Not that young," he said. "It's hard to explain."

"That's what you were talking about before," she said. "When you said women your own age didn't appeal to you."

"Yes," he admitted.

"That's different," she said. "You're just doing that Bob said all men do... looking for a childbearing woman. I think about having sex with my own father."

"Did he ever... ?" Roger's question was obvious.

Her laugh was part scorn and part explosive release of tension.

"No way! He's a Deacon in the church. He'd never speak to me again if he ever found out I thought about him that way. He'd disown me. I could never go back home, ever again."

"So that's why you don't want to marry..." Roger couldn't remember her fiancé's name.

"Jed," she finished for him, and then went on. "No... Maybe. I don't know for sure. I'm not really attracted to Jed. He's nice, and sweet, but he's not..."

"Your father?" asked Roger.

"No, it's not even that, really," she said, looking around. "I know I could never do anything with my father. But whenever I fantasize, his face pops into my head. I can't help it. I saw him making love to my mother one time, and ever since then..." She shook her head. "I don't want to be just a farmer's wife," she said. "I love teaching, but if I keep teaching, I have to give up everything back home. They don't understand. I lose, no matter what I do."

"Couldn't you teach back there?" asked Roger.

"You don't understand," she moaned. "They... the men... they have old fashioned ideas about a woman's role. Once they decide what that role should be, it's just decided, as far as they're concerned. The woman doesn't have any say in the matter, really."

"That's too bad," said Roger sadly. "You deserve to be happy."

"Why?" she asked looking at him. "There are lots of people who aren't happy. They do what they have to do to get by, and live with things the way they are."

"True," he said, "but they don't really have to. I know people settle for things, but that doesn't make it right. You're bright, intelligent, pretty... why should you have to settle for somebody else's dream?"

"They're my family!" she moaned.

"You just said that you lose, no matter what you do," said Roger patiently. "That means you'll be unhappy, regardless. Now, just imagine for a moment, that you decide what YOU want to do. You go after that, and something positive comes into your life. Yes, you lose something back home, if they can't adjust to what you decided, but at least you have something positive in your life... some happiness. You don't have to make THEM happy, at the expense of all your own happiness."