Chapter 8

After my shower that night I did what I've never done previously in my entire life. I wiped the mirror clear and really looked at myself in a totally honest self-appraisement of my bodily image. If I was completely honest there is nothing there to attract someone as beautiful as Gail, Mel or Flubberguts. I'm tall; I've seen taller piles of horse manure and they don't attract anything but flies. I'm slightly overweight - the last exercise of any type that I've done was, many years ago - other than the latest bedroom exercise. I've still got most of my hair - go on be honest - I didn't wear a hat mowing the lawn on Sunday and the crown of my head got sunburnt, the front is receding and the remainder is almost all grey. Genetically I'm going like my granddad McMillan. My nose is too big for my face - I suppose it makes up for having a big head about my abilities in bed. My penis is too large: no arguments there as two ex-girlfriends had to get me to see their GP because I hurt them inside; there were some sexual positions I couldn't use, for those girls anyway. My arms are out of proportion for my body: I'm fuckin' impossible to buy long-sleeved shirts for unless they're tailored. My feet are too big: I've got a definite good grip on this great brown land, and getting bigger. The last pair of shoes I bought was a size twelve; I use to wear a size ten up until I was in my mid forties. I was glad when the steam re-covered the mirror.

I remained in the self-critical mood after I finished cleaning the shower screen. The only sense of humour I have is self-deprecation: that's my self-defence mechanism from my youth, which is all too evident on occasion. Consider it, I was six foot two by the time I turned twelve; can you imagine how viciously other kids my age turned on me, all of them being less than five foot at best. As an adult I have earned lots of respect but have very few real friends (as a child I had none whatsoever): outside the one or two I do have (and I include Gail in that list) I don't think I need any more; far too high a maintenance schedule. A strange Aussie male me as I don't have a single male mate, oh a few of the girls I work with in the school tuck-shop I could call mates but certainly no male ones. It's a bit unrealistic going out for a night at the pub with my mates; their husbands would by rightfully disgruntled. Actually one is a butch lesbian in a committed relationship, and her better half already does not approve of me at all, although in reality, neither would habituate any pub that would accept me, and visa versa. I vaguely remember an old joke in there somewhere, not Bill Cosby some white yank I think. (Who was it that said they wouldn't join any club that would approve me as a member, or something like that?) If you want to throw in hands like plates of meat and a scrawny arse, that will just about cover it.

The girls seemed to be giving me a little extra space this evening. Melinda suddenly found homework which needed doing, even stranger than that, in her room with the door closed. She's been here for, what? Six months? And this was the first time that she's voluntarily closed her own bedroom door not to slam it as an emphasis. Angel was being a hermit as well but simply listening to her form of music in her room (thankfully with the headphones on) and not being under my feet. I wonder if my show of immaturity over the last couple of days has put someone's nose out of joint. Me think a couple of their schemes have gone completely astray. I certainly ended up with a different bit of pussy than what they'd had in mind.

The phone rang and I was placed in the odd situation that evening of having to answer it myself. Generally I would have not have bothered as one of the female persuasion would have snavelled it the moment it begun to ring. After all that it was some boy for the Bitch. I knocked on her door and passed her the portable. Strewth, not only was she fully clothed but was actually doing homework, and maths to boot. She must truly have the hots for that teacher; what someone will do to be on the good side of their latest flame.

I picked up the novel from the lounge room table and headed to my most comfortable reading platform, my bed. For some reason I haven't found much spare time to read over the last couple of days, nice reason for my lack of spare time though. God I hope I haven't put myself back for another bit of hurt and humiliation! I don't want to go through all that shit again. I both appreciate and regret the last two days but would walk on hot coals laid over a bed of broken glass not to re-experience the hell the last two relationships caused me and mine. My eyes were starting to droop and I was just considering getting up to brush my teeth when Mel bought the phone into me with the snide comment, "It's your girlfriend."

"Hello, you."

"Hello you, back to ya. I know that this will make you feel uncomfortable but I was just going to turn my light off and thought I'd ring to say that I love you."

I played these words she used over a couple of time in my head trying to actually see how I did feel about them. I've heard them used a little too often in my life when what was actually meant was that they loved fucking me. (See first marriage.) Or she loved the thought of being married to me, probably married to anyone actually. (See second marriage. A good Italian girl not married at the age of thirty something has settled into spinsterhood.) I put it to my dirty minded little imagination how I'd feel if Gail told me she didn't want me now and felt a sharp pain in the middle of my chest and a desperate pressure behind me eyes. I'm now in the funny position of already having told this kid that I loved her and was shying back when she especially rings to tell me that she really loves me too, really putting her heart out on a limb so to speak. I am not saying that that I'm being rational here, or logical, or fair minded or...

"Are you there? If you've change..." her voice was quavering, weak and forlorn.

"No! No! I am here and I was just thinking how I actually do feel about what you just said. You just gave me goose bumps all over. If you'll put your going to bed off for just a little while, I may talk out what was just going on in my little mind."

"Okay." That sounded a little doubting.

"I'll say one thing ahead of everything else. I've loved you for more than a number of years and the thought of you not wanting me after I finally got the guts to tell you how I feel; well, it nauseated me. I am an avowed coward and to hear you actually say 'I love you, ' makes me want to pinch myself. Good things like you don't happen to someone like me. I'm not sure if I'm making any sense here."

A huge sigh and a sob were the first sounds I could hear on the other end. "Oh thank god, I thought you must have changed your mind or something! I'm a lot insecure here too you know not a little. I've coped with three bad relationships while I knew the one person who I actually did want wasn't interested in me. I was so afraid..."

"I, I realise. It's all my fault I know but some problems become sort of ingrained and it's very hard to shake the automatic reaction of running like a startled rabbit when the occasion like just then arises. Gail, I love you, and if you don't think saying that doesn't put a pain in my chest you should also know I just growed a hard on that's hurting. It weren't there before you rung me so something must be up."

"I know what you mean. I just got out of bed and am finding me a towel, umf, there it is, because I just made my own personal wet spot. I'm glad Flubberguts is asleep because this would be embarrassing if she caught me. Look I've just got back into bed and I'm going to hang up. I'm going to masturbate me to sleep and I just may have to put myself out of me misery again when I wake up."

"Why don't you take care of yourself while we discuss the matter in hand. I only need one hand to talk on a phone."

"Ooooh, the things I'm doing which I've never even contemplated doing before Monday morning, aaaah shit, say something quick I'm right on..."

"My prick has precome dribbling down it in rivers and it's everywhere all over my hand. I'm thinking how your pussy tastes and having my tongue push into your little bottom hole while you rub that hard little clittie right in front of my eyes. I'm reaching up and squeezing your lovely brown nipples as hard as I can between my fingernails..."

"OHHHH, Ahhhhhh, oh godddddd that's so... oh godddd I'm coming again... and Jesus, fuckin' Christ againnnnn..."

"Mum, are you all right?"

"Hee, hee, oh god! Am I really that loud? I woke her up! Look I'll see you tomorrow arvo. I love you!" She was shouting at me over the phone. What will Flubberguts say?