Chapter 2

We spent the day lying around naked. It was a first for me and I loved it. I would watch Rhea every chance I got admiring her beauty. I knew for whatever reason we'd hit it off in ways most people never could. There was something between us even from that first time by the slot machine.

That night as Rhea got ready to go to the gig she looked at me weird.

"What?"

"I was just thinking. You may be right."

"I'm right? About what?"

"Love instead of lust... you know. Maybe two people can fall in love at first sight."

"Well I know that I don't go around falling into bed with every chick I meet. Matter of fact..."

"I don't either. You're about to say that you've never taken a girl you just met to bed, aren't you?"

"Uh... yeah."

"Well, you're the first and only man I've ever done this with, really. I'm not a virgin not by a long shot... but you're the first man that I ever felt this way about. You scare me."

"Is it my eyes?"

"What? You're eyes? What do you mean?"

"You said I scare you... is it my eyes? Maybe my manly physique? That 'dangerous' type of thing going on?"

"Oh you. You know what I mean. I can't have a relationship right now. The band and everything... and I find that I could be falling... that you... oh damn."

She had tapered from normal conversational voice to almost a whimper by the time the 'oh damn' had slipped out. Suddenly I knew. She probably felt like I did about 'us' more than I knew. I hadn't let on too much how I was feeling, only because I wasn't ready to accept it to myself yet.

I knew the band was all important especially at this particular time in their lives. I was a new guy, an unknown. Had I been in Gary's or any of the others place I'd have been worried about Rhea and her new man too.

Obviously Rhea had never done what she'd done last night with any other man and any change would lend to that feeling of distrust. Leah's comment about me being the 'man of the year' told me that Rhea didn't do things like this often if ever.

"Rhea, maybe we need to slow down and get to know each other a bit more first. Then there's the band. Gary and the others weren't exactly thrilled with your introducing me on stage last night..."

"Don't worry about them, they'll get over it. I've never done that before. You're the first man I've even gone to bed with during the first time together too... you're so different... so... mine. Yeah, that's it, I belong to you, you belong to me. It has to be Karma."

"I think you mean Dharma."

"What?"

"Karma, is the cause and effect. Dharma on the other hand is the cosmic harmony."

"I've never heard that before."

"Most haven't. Karma is the most misused term for what it really is or meant to be. I learned that a few years ago. I'd prefer that it was Dharma that was working for us than Karma. Really I would. Dharma isn't heard much in the west."

"So, Dharma would be good, Karma bad?"

"No. Karma is like... a cause and effect. You do this and that happens. That happening in the world or universe has a ripple effect. Karma is that ripple... so to speak. Good or bad Karma is the result of cause and effect. Humans have a choice, Karma is the effect of that choice. Dharma on the other hand is those choices working in harmony with the universe making things right."

"Okay."

She said it like she understood but I could see she didn't. I could spend a life time explaining it I supposed, but I wanted to give her understanding without that.

"How about this... we met by that slot machine."

"Yeah, you backed into me."

"Right. Our meeting was the start of that "cause and effect". I bumped into you, we met, you ended up liking me and I you, we talked, you introduced me to your band, and fans, their reactions are based on that cause and effect the Karma. Today we're talking about things beyond face value and moving towards that inner part... love. Our love of each other could possibly be the Dharma, the harmony of what should be."

"Whoa... love?"

The look on her face was one of fear yet hope at the same time.

"I was just saying that there seems to be something there... between us I mean. It's more than like, we're not just two strangers any more. I feel, I have feelings for you, that go beyond what I've ever felt for any woman. I know it's all happening so fast. I'm scared too..."

"You're right. There is something more to us than just last night. I just can't... I'm not supposed to fall in love. Not yet. The band, my career... there's just so much riding on me right now. I can't fall for a man. I can't be falling for you. I'm sorry... I just can't."

"I know. It may have been better that we never met. I can't say I'm sorry though. Last night will live in my memory forever."

"What about today though. I mean... it's too late. For both of us."

"What?"

"I think I may love you, now. It's too late for me because when I say 'I love you' it feels too right. I have always gone with those feelings I have, and I know you're that one."

"I'd be lying if I said I didn't feel the same way."

"Okay. What do we do then? What's next?"

"How about we just play it all by ear. We can get together as often as we choose. Until life says different."

So that's what we did. We dated for several months up until the band really took off. The first album they cut in L.A. became a hit. Three number one songs in the first four weeks. It was breaking all sorts of records and Rhea's life became someone else's. It belonged to the record company and the fans.

I could tell Rhea was torn. Badly so. On one hand the fame of the band was in a serious upward spiral. Her time available to be with me was going down. Her band mates were pushing her one way then the other all wanting to taste that 'Rock and Roll stardom'.

On the other hand there was me. 'Her man'. I couldn't leave my job since it was how I earned my living. I had no interest in traveling around the country or the world, living out of suitcases and motel rooms. We loved each other but our lives were going in two different directions.

The final hit came just as a concert they gave was over. I wasn't able to be there during the concert but at the last minute I was cut loose from work so I drove to where they were. I made the last song and headed back stage.

The crowd of fans, roadies, agents and others was thick and then I saw her, Rhea was kissing some guy. She broke away from him as I approached looking at me with sad almost frightened eyes, then she suddenly kissed this guy hard again. I turned and left.

As I walked past Leah, she grabbed my arm.

"Don't leave. She's never done this before, there's something going on with her. Honest. She loves you too much, it's all an act."

"Loves me too much? I know what this is Leah. She loves me... she loves you and the band more. Have a good life Leah. I really truly hope that everything works out for all of you guys... Rhea included."

"Don... no... don't leave. Rhea's just acting out. She's worried about life, the band, you, everything. She's just a bit crazy right now, it will pass. Please don't leave, not like this."

"Leah, I can't compete. Not with the thousands of fans, the band, the agents, we've seen it coming. We've talked about it even. It's time."

I drove all night to get home. Once there I didn't feel better. I felt worse. As the days went by I remembered what it was like to have loved and lost. Only now that bad feeling just didn't go away. I lived it daily. I hadn't been mad that night. Hell, I wasn't all that hurt by what I'd seen either. Not by her actions with that guy. I knew it for what it was.

It was Rhea's way of facing a truth, and letting me know that though she may love me her life was going somewhere I didn't want to go along. She'd kissed that guy like that to let me know. I saw it in her eyes. 'We' were no longer. We couldn't be. Our paths had separated. Her band and fame and fortune were now where she was headed. I was soon to be a side note.

The pain I felt was that emptiness. That full rich love I had was still there but the person I loved wasn't. Neither of us could have our cake and eat it too so we'd both just move on, hopefully finding what we sought eventually.

Life went on and I kept track of Rhea as much as I could. There wasn't a 'stalking' thing from my part don't get me wrong, I was just an interested party. I read about her drug issues, the alcohol problems, but nowhere did I read about significant others, or men. She was a rocker on a fast path and she was self destructing for a while. Then suddenly she started to turn herself around and get straightened out.

Don't get me wrong this wasn't over a few months, it was years. We'd been together for a few months over ten years ago. I'd never found anyone else so I gave up looking. I wasn't sure about Rhea but it appeared to me that some change had occurred in her life, something that would cause someone to make this big of a change... there must be someone else in her life then.

Those were my thoughts that afternoon. I was at work on break, reading about Rhea's latest hit song and it hit me. She may have found someone else! It shook me up. Ten years and a bit more had gone by and I found myself still loving her. She'd ruined me for any other woman. It had taken her one night to get me... and now I had a life sentence to bear.

One of my co-workers came in. Jim was a likeable guy, and we were good work friends, but not social friends.

"You okay Don?"

"Yeah. Feeling a little blue, that's all."

"She's hot. I'd love to bone her."

He was looking at the rag mag I left on the table. Rhea's picture was all over the cover.

"She's a special person that's for sure."

"Whoa... 'special'? What's going on with you Don? She's more than special. That's Rhiannon and her band. They're the hottest thing since, well, dirt. They're bigger than water for Christ's sakes. She's more than special. I'd bet almost any man would kill to bed her... even to get a kiss and a date would be fantastic."

"You don't know her very well."

"And I suppose you do? Hah hah hah! In your dreams Don. In your dreams."

He turned and walked out. I sat there realizing for the umpteenth time that having known someone so intimately, someone so special and famous, would always lead to this. Doubt by others that I'd actually known her closely. I'd learned to not talk about it ever. Almost.

She'd become what she'd worked hard for. Rhea and the band were still together, still knocking out hit after hit. She had what she wanted. I was always grateful for the time we'd had. What she shared with me was something that nobody could take away from me. Or from her, if she even remembered me at all, that was. I may not have been all that special to her, after all.

I had not been out in a long while. I decided that I'd go to 'that' casino tonight and try my luck. After work I showered and then dressed. Heading out I decided to play what had been my usual amount back then even though I could afford more now.

I arrived at the casino and went to the roulette table that started my luck all those years ago. Different dealer, different feel, everything was different. I thought to myself 'After all, it has been over ten years.'

I gambled and lost a couple of hundred dollars there, having not much luck. I walked over to that slot machine. At least it was still here, rather, one just like it. Sitting down I started to play. One quarter at a time.

I found that I was getting angry. At myself, at life, at everything. I couldn't seem to let go of her even now. Because of that I wouldn't give any other woman even half a chance. Self imposed solitary is never as neat or cool as being some guru on a mountain top may seem. There was a lot of lonely up there. A vast amount of it matter of fact.

Disgusted with myself, I 'woke up' to find I'd blew through all forty bucks I'd put in the machine. It wasn't my night. I stood up quickly, slipping to the side of the machine. It had been a very fast move on my part. Someone slammed into me, hard. I heard her breath go out as we collided. I turned and caught her.

"Are you okay? I'm sorry... I..."

"I'm fine... really I am. I was just..."

"Rhea?"

"DON! Oh God... it's you."

"What on earth are you doing here?"

"We're playing here tonight. As a favor to the manager of the casino. Remember Chuck? The bartender? He's the manager now. He asked if we could play here one night... unannounced... we made the arrangements... here we are. How have you been? I've... I've missed you."

"I've been good... I guess. Still working at the same place."

Her searching eyes seemed to bore into my very soul.

"There's... someone in your life now?"

"How about you Rhea? Whose your main man now?"

She looked away uncomfortably. I knew something was up.

"Rhea? It's all right. I understood. That night, why you kissed that... why you did what you did. I understand... understood. Really. You did what was best for you..."

"It wasn't best for me. I let the best thing in my life walk out on me that night. I acted the fool. All these years..."

"What? You did what you had to do to become what you are Rhea. If you'd have stuck with me you'd have never made it. I couldn't have put up with it... not at all. Just the little I was exposed to your new life was enough to let me know that I'd never like it."

"I should have told you. I should have talked to you, instead I acted like..."

"Rhea I know why you did it, I saw through you. It's okay. I accepted it. We both had talked about it a little anyway so it wasn't a shock... well, not quite a shock anyway."

"I'm sorry Don. I never... I mean... I've never... ever... since that night."

"Never kissed a man? Really?"

"No I mean... that night I did, it didn't mean anything at all, he was the only one since. I had the issues with the drugs and alcohol. Leah kept me alive, Gary too, but there never has been another... man."

"Oh. Well, I tried dating for a while, didn't work out quite like I'd wanted it to though. Turns out I gave my heart to someone... can't get it back now."

"Oh."

She looked hurt. Actually, more than a little hurt... she'd missed my intent though. I let her swim in it for a bit.

"So, is she nice?"

"Yep. She's a beauty. Loving, caring, everything that..."

"That I wasn't. I'm sorry, I have... to... go."

She turned to run... I grabbed her arm. I could see tears just barely holding in her eyes. She was upset to the point of crying after all this time?