Chapter 4: Withdrawal

I moped around for two days, thinking of nothing but Sammi. My Mother finally talked to me in the kitchen one morning and told me I had to start over.

"There will be someone else. Maybe a boy you like, or possibly another girl. Who knows? Quit feeling sorry for yourself and live your life!"

I returned to school amid stares and whispers from my classmates and concentrated on my schoolwork. Some of my friends were sympathetic and others ignored me. I ran myself to exhaustion every practice and talked to no one as I showered and went home.

I walked to Sammi's house one afternoon after school and noticed the place was empty. There were no curtains on the windows, the garage door was open and vacant, and it had a For Sale sign on the front lawn. This prompted another fit of tears and I stood there sobbing. I wondered, if not for prejudice and bigotry, what might have been.

Weeks went by and I trudged through each day as it came, survived it, and went onto the next one. I began going to the roller rink on Friday nights again, but mostly sat on the sidelines or skated alone.

One of the few people who understood was Miss Kelsey. She pulled me into her office one afternoon and talked to me frankly, asking me if I was going to have trouble keeping my hands to myself in the showers. I bristled with anger and she held up her hand.

"I know how it feels to lose someone you love," she said.

"Do you really?" I asked snottily.

She didn't say a word. She pulled out her wallet and thumbed through several pictures before handing me one. A very pretty blond woman was standing on the shore of a lake somewhere, in a simple white sheath, barefoot in the sand. She was smiling at the camera, holding one hand to shade her eyes. I thought I could see the outline of her body beneath the dress. This was no girl.

"That was Pam, four years ago," she said.

All of a sudden I understood exactly what she was telling me and how much trust she was placing in me.

Softly, I said, "Thank you."

She said, "You've been running a little harder than you should. Take it easy. Take the day off and we'll see you tomorrow, ok?"

I got dressed and went home.

My report cards reflected the extra time I was putting in. I was getting A's and B's now instead of C's and that made my parents very happy. I grew a bit in the boobs and butt; I could wear a B cup in some bra styles now, and that made me very happy. Thanksgiving came and went, and although I still felt a sense of loss almost daily, I realized that the ache was gradually going away.

Christmas break arrived along with some snow, and it was very nice to cuddle on the couch with Mom and talk or watch old movies. Chad got a ten-day leave, and arrived home looking very fit and healthy with some new muscles. The gang was coming for the Holidays again and we got the house ready for visitors. Grampa made his appearance first, and a day later Uncle Jesse and Aunt Ellen showed up. Millie was beside herself and proud as punch of the new bumps she had acquired.

I smiled and said, "Wow."

She blushed, but you could tell she was happy.

Having family in the house was great, and Grampa took me by the hand and sat me down in the den after supper. He had his small glass of whiskey and took a sip.

He spoke with a soft Irish brogue and asked me, "Are you doing well then, lassie?"

I smiled and said, "Aye, Grampa Ian."

He scowled and said, "Don't be makin' fun of the way an old man talks, girl. It doesn't become you."

I apologized and he said, "Your mother has told me a bit of your troubles."

I thought 'Oh no!" and he said, "I have but one bit of advice. If you close off your heart as insurance against pain, you'll not be able to love."

I nodded agreement with his sage advice and hugged his neck. His cheeks got a bit pink and he waved me away.

That night as I showered, Millie came into the bathroom and asked, "Can I be next?"

"Sure."

I stepped out to dry off and her frank appraisal of me took me by surprise. This little waif standing there in her underpants looking me up and down gave me the willies.

I said, "Go on! Get in the shower before all the hot water's gone."

She stripped and got in and I adjusted the temperature for her. I went into my room and put on a nightie. I was sitting at my vanity brushing my hair when she came out with a towel wrapped around her. It reached from her armpits to below her knees, held together at the top by her barrette.

"Would you brush mine too?" she asked.

"Sure, " I said.

I turned around and began brushing her hair, getting the tangles out and putting it up in a ponytail.

"You wanna know a secret?" she asked.

I said, "Only if you want to tell."

"I kissed a boy last week."

"Good for you!" I said. "Now let's get your nightie on and go to bed, ok?"

She dropped the towel and reached for her nightdress.

"You like my boobies?" she asked, thrusting them toward me.

They were about the size of a small plum, little more than areola and nipple, but I said, "They're very pretty. Let's go to bed."

She drew her gown over her head and climbed onto my bed. I turned off the light and got into bed, facing the window.

She cuddled up behind me and said, "Goodnight."

"Mmm-hmm," I replied, and drifted off.

Presents the next morning during breakfast were great. Grampa got a bottle of his favorite whiskey, I got mostly clothes, and my parents got a gift certificate for a week's cruise to Mexico from Grampa.

When Mom said his gift was too expensive to accept, he just smiled and said, "I'll not be taking it with me when I go."

That afternoon Uncle Jesse and Grampa made ready to go home, and by 4 p.m. everyone was gone. We cleaned up the kitchen and put our gifts away. I decided to clean my room, and found a pair of Sammi's panties on the floor in my closet. Pale pink with a darker pink ribbon on the waistband, I held them to my face and inhaled the faint but extremely sexual scent of her most intimate place. That brought tears, and as I sat with them in my hand, I knew that it was over. I put them in the trash bag and took the bag downstairs.

The next day our parents announced that they were taking the cruise and would be gone for seven days. I had no school until January 6th and they'd be back before then.

Mom said, "It's like the honeymoon we never had," and we promised to keep the house from fire, flood and famine.

It was nice to see her so excited; I knew she loved this man we called Dad. I thought of her having wet panties as they drove off. I knew in her place I would've.

They weren't even on the plane when Chad started calling around arranging a kegger for the following night. As I heard the conversations, I warned him if something went wrong it was his ass, because I would deny any responsibility. He said not to worry, only four couples would be there. I cooked supper and he went out. He came in late, went to bed and slept until noon.

About 6 p.m., the first two couples arrived and I went to my room. I locked the door, stripped off my clothes and lay on my bed, reading. I put some records on the stereo and dozed, listening to the sweet sounds that Sammi and I had danced to. About 11:30 p.m. I got curious, so I put on a pair of shorts and a half shirt and went down to the den.

The keg was by the fireplace, with a big plastic sheet under the washtub. Only one couple was dancing to muted music; the others were standing or sitting in the dim room. My brother and a girl named Brenda were standing by the keg with Bobby and another guy. There were two couples on the couch, half nude and wrapped around each other. None of the girls had a shirt on and one guy was down to his shorts.

My brother looked a bit woozy as I said, "Hi", and got a cup of beer.

"Hi yourself," he said.

"Wanna dance?" Bobby asked.

I said, "Sure."

We started swaying in time to the slow music, drinking our beers with one hand and holding on to each other. We kissed a few times and his hands started groping my butt.