Chapter 46

Vivian asked me to hand her the pen and Journal. I helped arrange her pillows so she could write. Like Laurie, she was very thin. Unlike her daughter, no amount of food was ever going to fix that. The body looked breakable but I knew the spirit inside was tough as nails.

I dropped off the brush and the mirror on the way out. I thanked the nurse for letting me visit after hours. She just smiled and said, "Any time, Dear." I wondered how many people felt they'd done their duty by just putting their dying relatives in a hospice, never visiting again once the paperwork was signed.

Jack was waiting patiently for me. I got in the car and slid over to him, taking his head in my hands and pulling his face to me for a deep kiss. I eased away and held my cheek against his chest. His arms raised and I felt one around my back as he idly stroked my head until I took a deep breath and sat up, fastening my seatbelt.

"How'd it go?"

"A lot different than I expected."

"I'm not surprised. This is the first time you got to hear her side of it."

"You're right. I never had any idea who she was. I think I would have liked to know her. She's been watching me grow up, you know."

"No, I didn't."

"She knew about you and Bozo and the way I was able to charm you into caring for me."

"That didn't take much work on your part."

I batted my eyelashes like a silent movie seductress. "Don't you know, my secret is my deep, blue eyes. All of us charmers have them."

"I guessed that's where you and Laurie got them."

"She said that all three of us instinctively use them to attract men."

"I don't know about that. I think it was pretty much the whole package. You know, you knocked me on my ass and when I woke up in your lap, I thought you were an angel. The eyes were part of it but it was your smile that really got me."

"With me it was the way you felt in my lap. And that dazed look on your face. By the way, it wasn't your ass you fell on. It was your chin."

He squeezed me and kissed the top of my head. His arm felt good against me, even better than that first night.

"You know who really surprised me? Daddy."

"Why?"

"I know how much she hurt him. Now he's acting as if she never left. He's just taking care of things for her. He told her that he was going to make sure Laurie never had to do without."

"That's just the difference between the two of you. He's used to being in charge, taking control, making sure things work out right. That's how he keeps his sanity."

"Oh? And what do I do?"

"You tend to pull back from things you aren't comfortable with. That's why Laurie latched onto me and hasn't had much to do with you."

"Well, Daddy kind of sprung her on me right out of the blue."

"I know. I didn't say it was wrong or right. It's just the way you cope with things that are uncomfortable. It's just lucky for both of you that I was there to prevent her from being eaten by that vicious dog of yours."

"Yeah, well, you're a saint, too."

"A saint, huh? Me and who else?"

"Daddy. My mother told him he was a saint a couple of times."

"She doesn't sound as heartless as you seemed to think she was."

"No, she isn't. You know, I accused her of wanting to abort me and she didn't even bat an eyelash. She just told me the way it was. She says she thought about it but after Daddy told her how he felt, she decided not to.

"She was upfront about everything. I know now why she had to leave. Daddy was probably a fool for trying to make her settle down in the first place. She's like a wild animal; she hates to be caged. In her own way, I think she loves all three of us. It's going to be interesting to see how Laurie reacts to having stability in her life after spending three years with her mother. She seems to do just fine with you."

"That's because I love adorable blonds with blue eyes." He squeezed me, kissing my head again.

"Do you know if she knows anything about her mother?"

"She told me about it while we were planting her peach tree and her watermelon plants. Her mother's leaving soon and she's going to heaven to live with the angels. She's going to keep an eye on Laurie from heaven. She doesn't seem bothered by it; that's just what's going to happen. We'll have to see how she reacts when it actually does."

Charlie's car was parked in front of the house as we drove up. We pulled in the driveway and were on our way to the stairs when Mary opened the kitchen door.

"Hey, guys. You got a few minutes?"

I looked at Jack and he nodded. "Sure. Give us about five minutes."

Bozo was waiting to go downstairs as soon as we opened the door. I just stood there at the top of the stairs as he went into the back yard and did his best to distribute his urine evenly among four bushes, one chimney and a couple of trees before scratching and coming back up the stairs. Vivian was right; that was pretty pathetic. But were our lives as members of a family really as bad as that? And was her life of no commitments that much better?

I gave him a hug when he got back, then we both went inside. Jack was just finishing up in the bathroom and I went in and freshened up.

Bozo came down to the house with us.

Mary and Charlie were sitting at the table, the rest of the chocolate chip cookies between them. Jack got us both a glass of milk and we sat down.

Mary said to me, "How was it?"

"Nice. Much better than I thought. I understand her now. I had no idea who she was before today. She had to say some things before she dies and she had that chance."

Charlie said, "You sound almost cynical."

"I don't know. I'm not trying to be. She wanted to explain who she is and why she had to leave us. I get that, but it's like this one meeting was supposed to make up for all the years we missed. She told me she couldn't stay because she wouldn't be happy. I understand that but that doesn't fix all the times I scraped my knee and she wasn't there to kiss it better or somebody picked on me at school and there was no shoulder to cry on when I got home. Thirteen missed years is too much to catch up on in one two hour visit. But I feel sad for her now, instead of angry. She got her freedom but she never had the love she threw away. And 36 is too young to die. I don't care who you are."

Mary said, "Do you pity her?"

"No. It isn't as if God struck her down or circumstances beyond her control took everything away from her. She knew what she had and she made the choice to give it up. You can't pity someone for using their free will, no matter how they mess it up."

Charlie said, "Well, I've got my car if you want to visit her again."

"Thanks, Charlie, but I don't think so. It's a little too late to play mother-daughter. I know this sounds mean, but I don't want to get too friendly with her just to have her die on me."

Mary said, "God. That sounds so heartless."

"Mary, it was heartless of her to leave Daddy and me all those years ago. I understand why she did it but that doesn't mean we didn't lose her when she left. If you want to call somebody heartless, take a look at her. She did what she had to do to survive, which is fine. I'm going to do what I need to survive, and right now, that doesn't include becoming buddies with someone who's going to be gone in a month."

"All I know is I really miss my father and if I had a chance to be with him again, no matter how short a time, I'd take it."

"Mary, that situation is completely different. Your father died. I can understand wanting to be with him. It's not the same thing with my mother."

"Yeah, I guess."

Charlie spoke up. "You still need a ride to school in the morning?"

"Yes, please. And a ride home, too, please."

"No problem. I'd like to leave at 7:30 so I can go to the office before classes start."

"That's no problem. I need to see my coach about something."

Mary said, "Guess who came by yesterday."

I looked at Jack and he said, "Sara."

"Darn! How did you know?"

"She said she was going to come by while we were at the playoffs. When did she come?"

"We were just getting ready to leave. Bet you can't guess who she brought with her to help."