Chapter 85

I first learned that Gary had been staying over at Brenda's house on the first Monday after coming back from my Birmingham trip. When I came downstairs to have some breakfast, before going into the office, Brenda was in the kitchen making omelets for Joyce and Cindy. When I asked her what the occasion was, she told me that she was catching a ride into Bolling with us, because she had loaned her car to Gary, so that he could go visit some friends of his.

"Gary's visiting?" I hadn't seen Gary in a long time. When I asked the question, I was assuming he'd just arrived in town. I was going to ask Brenda to let him know I'd appreciate a chance to spend some time with him. I'd always liked Gary and we'd gotten along pretty well in the past. I'd never held what had happened with Brenda against him. It hadn't been his fault.

"He got here last Tuesday, when you guys were in Birmingham. He hadn't called ahead because he wanted his visit to be a surprise for Emily." Brenda seemed a little nervous as she explained.

"Where did he stay while he was waiting for Emily to come back? Why didn't you call down to the house to let us know he was here?" I don't know why I immediately began to think the worst. I think I was finally registering Joyce's subdued behavior since just after when I'd returned from the Alabama trip.

"He was at the house with us, Kenny. Where else would he stay? Nothing happened, if that's what you're thinking. It wasn't like that."

I felt like I needed to talk to Gary and Emily right away. I wanted to get right to the bottom of this as soon as I possibly could. I knew, right away, that this could completely derail any plans we might have been making for a return to normalcy in all our relationships. This was definitely true if it turned out that Gary and Brenda had engaged in any kind of sexual hi-jinks. I had zero confidence in Brenda's denial. Her prior track record had seen to that. Trust had been an issue with us ever since the earliest beginnings of our relationship.

When is Gary returning your car?" I could barely keep my tone of voice civil when I asked her the question.

"He'll be back sometime tonight. He's just going to visit with some of his old high school buddies. You don't believe me, do you? About nothing bad happening." I could see Brenda's own body language changing. She was upset and angry that I'd be suspicious of her. That was Brenda's way. No matter how many times she'd been guilty of deceit, she always believed she was deserving of every possible benefit of the doubt. Even when she was guilty, it always upset her that people would question her about these things. She seemed to feel that no one should be upset with her behavior, not if she wasn't upset by it.

"The guy has been sleeping over at your house for a week, and I'm just now hearing about it? Did you tell Joyce that Gary was visiting?"

"No, why would I? It wasn't any secret though. We went over to your mother's house on Thursday night with the kids. Do you think I'd have taken him over there for a visit if I'd been doing anything wrong with him?"

I did think she very well might do that. In fact, I thought it was much more likely she'd take Gary over there if they had been up to something. She'd realize that she needed to try to make things seem more innocent than they were. Brenda had been through a few of these situations with me before. She knew how suspicious I now was of her.

"I can understand you not letting me know that Gary was visiting, but what about Emily? Why didn't she let me know he was in town and staying with you?"

"What's that supposed to mean? He's Emily's brother. Why shouldn't he come visit? Do you come running to us every time you have someone visiting with you? I didn't do anything wrong, Kenny. Why would I do anything to mess things up when we're just starting to get everything back to being good again?"

"I don't know why you would, Brenda. It would have been pretty simple for you to have avoided anyone being suspicious. You could have called Emily to let her know Gary was there for a visit."

"He wanted to surprise her, Kenny. He did surprise her. Nothing happened. Don't you think I know what would happen with us if I ever did something stupid like that again?"

I left her in the kitchen then, abruptly deciding that I needed to get as far away from her as I could before I said something else to make matters worse. I went out to my car and drove up to Bolling. I was upset, and I was very worried that I'd find out that something had happened between them. Brenda didn't have much of a record when it came to avoiding temptations,

The drive into work wasn't pleasant. I didn't enjoy my thoughts as I conjured up some of the possibilities that would tear apart the fragile rebuilding that was taking place inside my family. Nothing against Gary, but I wondered why he couldn't have waited another month or two before springing his surprise visit on us. By then, I'd have gotten all of the wives now in Ridgeline back under one roof.

Luckily, there was a lot of work at the plant that I needed to take care of. The day passed very quickly for me, and my immediate attention was diverted away from my personal situation. I stayed away from Joyce and from her office. I knew that Brenda, Cindy and Joyce were over at Joyce's office. Emily was probably over at Mama's, trying to take care of some of the group home needs. Shirley would be back in Ridgeline, either over at Mama's, helping Emily, or else with her own mother helping her with her housekeeping. Shirley's mom now suffered from arthritis, and Shirley tried to help her with some of the heaviest and most taxing cleaning.

Even while I was consciously avoiding all of my wives, I was getting upset that none of them were making any effort to come see me. Especially Joyce. She'd know how upset I'd be by all of this. The fact that she wasn't coming by to reassure me that nothing bad had happened probably meant that something did.

I left work at five thirty and drove back home. My mood was pessimistic. I had already convinced myself that Brenda had been unfaithful again. I was already planning on seeing how much could be salvaged from this new wreckage. I couldn't see Emily abandoning Brenda and coming to live with the rest of us. Joyce, Shirley and Cindy might still be a possibility though, depending on how Joyce reacted to Brenda's betrayal.

By the time I arrived back home, Brenda's car was parked in my driveway. I figured she'd come over to continue our earlier discussion from the morning. I managed to lose my temper before I was even out of the car. If she wanted to force a confrontation, I'd be happy to accommodate her. As soon as I walked inside my door, I saw Gary standing in my living room. I'd forgotten how tall he'd gotten. You don't see that many guys who are six feet eleven inches tall. It is difficult to get used to so much height. You need to adjust your perspective because everyone else seems so small in contrast to him. Joyce was about six feet away from him, and she looked like a little girl compared with him.

I saw Emily and Brenda sitting together on the couch. Cindy was over sitting on the other sofa. I didn't see Shirley anywhere though.

"Kenny, come say hello to Gary." Joyce looked worried too. Seeing her worried smile, my own apprehensions were heightened. I tried to prepare myself for my worst fears being realized.

"Hi Ken." Gary took two steps it seemed and he was standing right in front of me with his hand extended for me to shake. "Brenda told me that you might have gotten the wrong idea about what has been going on during my visit?" He had huge hands now. It seemed like my own hand had been swallowed up in his. I didn't know how I should respond to his question.

"Good to see you, Gary. As to whether or not I have the wrong idea, I'm still not sure about what I'm thinking. Some things seemed strange to me, but when I asked Brenda for an explanation, she got all defensive."

"I did not! Don't try to make this seem like I'm the one to blame, Kenny. I started off by telling you that nothing bad happened. You're the one who's all suspicious. Gary came to visit Emily, not me. Why would I do anything to get things messed up again?" Brenda had gotten up from her place on the sofa. Emily had gotten up too and looked like she wanted to restrain Brenda, to prevent this from ending up as a full blown fight between us.

"I don't know why you would, but I know it wouldn't be the first time, or the second, or even the third or fourth time you did something to mess things up between us. If you did anything this time though, I promise you it will be the last time." Gary had let go of my hand when Brenda had started to speak. He'd also stepped a little ways back from me and seemed nervous and apprehensive.

"Nothing happened, Ken. This is my fault for trying to surprise Emily. I didn't think there would be any problem with me staying there until she returned. I promise that I'd never do anything like that to hurt any of you. Brenda didn't try anything either. It has been totally innocent, I swear it." Gary spoke his words all in a rush, obviously wanting to defuse a tense situation before it turned into more than a shouting contest.

"That's all anyone had to say, Gary. I asked a question, and you answered me. I believe you."

"You believe him, but you wouldn't believe me?" Brenda was walking towards me. Her hands were balled up into small fists. She reminded me of her brother, and of her father, Walt.

"I didn't say I didn't believe you, Brenda. I said I wanted to talk to Gary. Now, I have, and now I'm satisfied."

"Well, I'm not satisfied. You owe me an apology." Brenda had stopped, about four feet from when I was standing in the entranceway.

"Why don't you just go back home and wait for me to come over and give you an apology then?"

"When will you do it? Why not apologize now and end this right now?"

"I'll apologize as soon as I start thinking I owe you an apology. That will be right after I convince myself that you've never done anything in the past to warrant me having some suspicions about your current behavior." I saw the looks of fear on everyone in the living room other than Brenda. They understood what I'd meant by my last statement. Only Brenda didn't seem to understand.

"Don't wait too long, because I'm really mad at you right now." She turned around and looked at Emily. "Are you ready to go now, Emily?" Emily nodded her head that she was, then the three of them gathered up their things and left. Gary didn't offer to shake my hand again as he left. I stood aside to let them get by me and waited until they were gone before heading straight up to my bedroom.

Joyce came into my room about three minutes later. She looked very concerned.

"Do you think its very smart to leave things like they are right now, Kenny? Brenda is mad at you now, and she might do something she wouldn't have normally done, just to get back at you."

"If she does, she does. She's the only one who can control what she does or doesn't do. I'm not going to worry about it. I'm not going to let her turn things around like this and try to make it seem like I was the one who was wrong to have suspicions. I'm willing to take Gary's word that nothing happened, but I'm sure not going to apologize for having been concerned that something might have happened over there."

"I talked to Emily too. She asked Gary about it. He told her what he said to you, nothing happened. Gary has never lied to her, that's what she told me. She said she'd know it if he tried to lie about it."

"Things were going so well too. It seems like there's some conspiracy to make sure we can't get everything worked out between us. I really thought we had it this time."

Joyce came over and put her arms around my waist. She hugged herself tightly against me. I noticed she was shaking against my waist, so I put both my arms around her too, trying to calm her a little. She was obviously even more upset than I was. That made a kind of sense, because she had always been the one most concerned with all of us getting back together again. I stood there and held her silently for a long time, letting her get calmed back down.

"I'm not too worried about Brenda doing anything with Gary while Emily is there with them. I think Emily already knows how serious something like that would be to me. She wants this all to be over with too."

"You could drive right over there, apologize to her, and it would be all over already. That's what you would have done before you got sick, Kenny. You did stuff like that all the time, just to keep things from getting worse."

"Do you really think she deserves an apology from me for this?" I was feeling myself get angry again.

"No, of course I don't, but that isn't the point, is it? Somebody has to do something to keep this from dragging on and on. In the past, that's what we did, you and I. Brenda knows what she's done in the past, but that isn't going to change anything this time. As far as she's concerned, you owe her an apology. You could get everything back to where it was when you came home on Friday just by telling her you're sorry for not believing her this morning. If you're satisfied now that she was telling the truth this morning, where's the harm in telling her you're sorry for not believing her?"

There was a flaw in her logic, but I didn't really want to deal with it right then. She was right about the fact that I used to be more concerned with getting things fixed than I was in worrying about what caused them to be broken. It seemed more efficient to get things working smoothly back then. It was only since I'd gotten ill that I concerned myself with who was to blame all the time. Even if I did apologize to Brenda, what difference did it make to anyone else? I wouldn't be betraying anything by telling her I wished I'd believed her when she had first said nothing happened. I did wish I could have believed her. The fact that I hadn't believed her had nothing to do with the absolute truth that I really wished I could have.

I tried to talk myself into going over there and giving her my version of an apology. I wasn't successful in doing that. I appreciated what Joyce was saying though. I knew that what she wanted me to do would make our future life together easier, just as it had done in the past. I had to decide whether I cared more about trying to achieve harmony within the complicated framework of our unusual family grouping, or whether I should continue on with my current position.

I favored the more rigid position of me holding everyone else accountable for living up to some fairly standard set of values. On the other hand, I already knew Brenda wasn't going to change the way she looked at things. Something like this, if I allowed it to continue, could end up in a life altering tragedy. I could avert this happening, at least this time, by tendering her the meaningless and empty apology she was seeking from me.

I had little doubt, if I'd been willing to put it to a vote, that all the other wives would vote for me to give Brenda her apology. In my place, Joyce wouldn't even have to think before doing so. She was more practical than I, and untroubled by having to cater to some of Brenda's special needs.

"If I went over there, I'd resent having to do it. I'd feel like I was being dishonest with Brenda, and with myself. I don't think she should always be sheltered from having to face the consequences of her actions. It just makes it easier for her to continue doing wrong."

"But, she didn't do anything wrong this time, Kenny. That's what you just got done telling me you believed. You might have been very right to suspect that she had, given her past actions. I know I feared the worst too. Brenda doesn't like to have her past failures brought up to her. As far as she's concerned, she didn't do anything wrong this time, and for you to suspect her of having done so, that demands an apology. She's only dealing with now, not her past."

"If she were eight or nine years old, I might apologize to her, but she isn't a child anymore. She needs to accept the fact that it was her past actions that made my current suspicions justified. If she isn't mature enough to understand that, then she isn't mature enough to be a part of our family. I don't go around throwing her past in her face unless something like this comes up. Her past actions justify my recent suspicions. She needs to learn some way to live with that."

"This is going to affect all of us, Kenny, not just you. When will the time come when you put our needs in front of what it is you want?"

"Probably when what I want is wrong. You want me to keep on feeding Brenda's warped belief about what constitutes normal behavior. She believes she's right. If I give her what she's asking for, I'm just feeding her wrongly held belief. Your way is so very expedient, especially if you overlook the fact that it makes it easier for Brenda to betray me again. I don't have it in me to forgive her for another time, Joyce. She needs to understand that, right in the pit of her stomach. I simply won't tolerate any more of that from her. If I apologize now, she won't really believe that I'm serious when I tell her that. And, I am serious this time, you have to believe me."

"Are you telling me that this is more important to you than us all getting back together again would be, Kenny?"

"I'm telling you that I want Brenda to understand I have no more room left to forgive her if she does something like that again. If that means what you're afraid of, then it wouldn't have worked for us anyway. I'm not into catering to or appeasing Brenda's quirks anymore. I expect her to behave like an adult from now on, and I will hold her accountable if she doesn't.

"You said you were ready for all of us to get together again. We won't be able to if you and Brenda keep on this way."

"They can all come back whenever they want to. I'm ready, and they're all welcome. I'm not going to apologize for being suspicious though. She's given me more than enough justification for being like that with her."

Joyce stepped back away from me and nodded her understanding. I could tell she was very disappointed that she hadn't been able to convince me to do what she wanted. I watched her walk out of my bedroom, shutting the door softly behind herself. I waited for fifteen minutes before heading back downstairs myself.

We had a quiet dinner with the children. The kids seemed to sense there was new trouble, and were all on their best behavior throughout dinner. After we were done, I went into the playroom with them and let each of them read from the storybook we were working on. As I watched the five of them taking turns reading, I remembered believing that I'd have all twelve of them living here by now. After we finished our reading, the kids went back to their living wing to take their showers and baths, and I went up to my room to call Shirley. I wanted to get away from the house for awhile, so I asked her if she felt like having some company. She told me I was very welcome to come over, so I packed a few things for work the next day and got in my car and drove over. Cindy and Joyce were both in the living room watching me as I headed out with my suit in one hand, and my small overnight bag in the other. Neither of them asked me where I was heading.

Shirley and I discussed what had been happening. I told her how I'd left things with Brenda and with Joyce. The only comment she made after I finished telling her my version of what had happened was to tell me I should be happier than I was that nothing bad had happened.

"If you told Brenda that you were happy that she had justified your faith and confidence in her, she wouldn't have been so mad that you were suspicious in the first place. You needed to be more positive with her."

"I don't see it that way, Shirley. I am happy that nothing happened. I'm unhappy that Brenda wasn't aware that, with her past record of transgressions, she had to be more circumspect than someone else, someone with a less checkered past, would have to be. She thinks she keeps getting a whole new start every time, and she doesn't."