Chapter 72

Cindy had seemed sullen to me when we had our breakfast together early the next morning. She was as subdued as I'd ever seen her during the first part of the flight up to Bolling. She had this resilience though, it was a trait I'd always admired about her. After about an hour of silence in the cockpit, she started talking to me again. She was apparently curious about whether I planned to bring Shirley over to the other house, too curious to continue being silent. We spoke about what my options were, now that everything had come out about what Joyce and I had been planning to do with Cindy.

"I think Joyce has already talked to Shirley, Cindy. She told me she planned to last night. She said she was going to tell Shirley that I would be with her all day today, but she expected me to make an appearance at our house sometime tomorrow. I've already told Shirley we might make this a weekend for just us two and the children. I think it needs to be left up to Shirley. She's been waiting for something like this weekend to happen for awhile now."

"You can't just leave everything up to Shirley, Kenny. She'll keep you all for herself if you allow her to do it. That's what I'd do too."

"Joyce is going to be talking to her. Usually Shirley listens to whatever Joyce tells her. You should have more faith in Joyce. Usually she knows how to handle things like this whenever they come up. She's certainly better qualified to deal with this than I am."

"Joyce is always saying she'll fix things, but she means she'll fix them the way she wants them to be. Sometimes, even when she tries her hardest, she can't deliver when she tells you she'll do something. When you talked with Shirley last night, did she sound like she was mad at me?"

"I couldn't really tell. I was busy trying to make sure she wouldn't be so mad at me that she'd want to cancel our weekend plans. She didn't say anything to me about blaming you for anything. She sounded more frustrated and disappointed than angry at anyone. So many things have happened, whenever we try to plan anything together. Now she always gets suspicious that something will ruin whatever we have planned. I'm hoping this time things will end differently, that we'll both enjoy ourselves. We really need for it to be different this time, not like all the other times we've tried to do something together since I went to the clinic. It's really important that we have a good weekend together."

"Together? There's that same word you keep saying. You say that word a lot to me now. You and Joyce getting together, Doing things so you and Shirley can be together. Whenever I talk about together, as in us being together, you either change the subject, or talk about me getting together with Joyce. Have you already decided that you and I won't ever be together?"

Cindy was pretty perceptive. I hadn't consciously tried to give her the impression that I was pessimistic about the two of us getting back together. I hadn't decided that she and I would never be together, only that it wasn't going to happen unless the other wives were together with us too. Somewhere in my mind, a long time ago, I had made a decision that Cindy was more Joyce's women than she would ever be mine. I might be the one sharing some of the other wives with Joyce, but with Cindy, I felt like I was having Joyce share her with me.

It was exactly the same way I felt about Emily sharing Brenda with all of us. Brenda always insisted, when she was alone with me, that it was me that she felt closest to. Whenever we were together with just Emily, Brenda and me though, it became apparent that Brenda was more Emily's wife than she was mine. I had always had Joyce back then, so it hadn't troubled me too much. It was a reality that I had been willing to accept.

Shirley fell into a grey area with me as far as her loyalties were concerned. Sexually, she was definitely my wife, but much more than any of the other wives, Cindy included, she looked to Joyce for any important decisions being made that would either be affecting her or the children. With Shirley, it was more like she was both mine and Joyce's together.

Some of our interrelationships were even more complex than that. There were secondary and tertiary influences that could change who was ascendant in these primary loyalty roles. Not forever, but from time to time. Joyce and I, acting together, were stronger with Brenda than Emily was all by herself.

Eddie and Dale were closer than any of us could ever be with either of them. Joyce had more influence with Eddie than I did, but Dale looked to me rather than to Joyce.

Of all of us, it was Emily that usually stood most ready to make important decisions all on her own. She also was the one most likely to take action once she'd decided something. She had always had this independent streak, and this, coupled with her natural tendency to argue about most things, is what kept creating division inside the family. Emily liked to polarize things. Sometimes, I felt like she'd just get bored and want to stir up some emotional energy because of that. If I hadn't loved her as much as I did, I'd have simply allowed Emily to drift away from our family. Unfortunately, whenever she did that, I realized how vital it was to me that she remain an important part of my life. While I was thinking all this, Cindy was waiting for me to answer her.

"I really don't think of it as you and I together, Cindy. I think that way about Joyce and me. I even think that way if it's you, Joyce and me together, or if it's Shirley, Joyce and me. There are different kinds of together. I can't imagine you and me together, not without Joyce being there with both of us. The same is true for Emily and Brenda. Over the years, I've begun thinking of those two as being inseparable, like Eddie and Dale are. I see you as being inseparable from Joyce."

"I don't see myself that way at all. I don't know why you have to believe something like that either. Why won't you believe me when I tell you that it's you that I've mainly been attracted to?"

"I didn't say I didn't believe it when you tell me that. Brenda tells me that too. Dale and Shirley have both told me that as well. What I'm talking about now is how I see things, not about how you or the other wives might see them. I see myself as being inseparable from Joyce. For a long time, Joyce saw herself the same way, but then she stopped believing we were inseparable. When she stopped believing that, things started falling apart for me."

"We all thought you two were inseparable too."

"We are. I didn't say we ever stopped being inseparable, only that Joyce had stopped believing that we were. Connections weaken when they aren't tied firmly to each end. All our family's connections were weakened while I was sick. I wanted to reconnect, but there's another part of me that objects to making all the connections firm again. I'm not strong enough yet to make these connections again if I'm alone. With Joyce, I think I'm strong enough, so I'll have to begin by making all these connections through her."

With Shirley too?"

"I don't think so. Shirley is in a different category than the rest of the wives. I'm strong enough right now to make my own connection with her. She still has her strong connection with Joyce. I'm hoping the three of us will each be inseparable with each other."

"Are you telling me that we can be like that, but only through Joyce?"

"I'm telling you I'm hoping we can. I know Joyce wants all of us back together. Joyce doesn't have any problems with the idea of getting all of us back together. I'm the one who has the problem. I'll need to change some things before I'll be able to get back together with all the wives myself. I'm hoping that all the wives can reconnect with me through Joyce, and through her I can then do what I have to do in order to reestablish my own connections with all of you."

We talked some more before we landed at the airport in Bolling. I wasn't sure Cindy understood what I was trying to communicate to her. She might have just believed I was trying to pawn her off on Joyce for the weekend. When I'd been speaking with her about connections, I'd been practicing on her for what I wanted to say to Joyce.

I saw Joyce as our best hope for all of us getting back together again. Joyce was the only one who could keep us all connected until I was able to manage to come to some workable arrangement with my subconscious self. I planned to check myself back into the clinic, allowing Dr. Fellows to hypnotize me as often as she needed to, while I used her as a go between to negotiate some form of workable compromise with my subconscious self.

Shirley was waiting at the airport for us with Hans. Derek and the girls were there with her as well. There was a period of awkwardness between Shirley and Cindy while they waited for me to get done with speaking with the maintenance people about what I needed done with the plane. Shirley and Cindy hadn't been speaking to each other when I turned back and started walking over to where they all were. They weren't glaring at each other or anything, it was more like they were ignoring each other being there.

"Shirley, I've been looking forward to us having a pleasant time today. Cindy hasn't done anything to justify you making her feel uncomfortable or unwelcome. If you're angry, then be angry at me. I'm the one who deserves it."

"She could have picked another time." Shirley was looking at Cindy although she was directing her words to me.

"Joyce asked me to invite her this time. All Cindy did was accept our invitation. In half an hour we're going to be dropping her off at the other house. If the two of you haven't gotten this straightened out by then, I'm going to be disappointed in both of you. I hope you don't decide to get this weekend's visit off to a disappointing start."

"I didn't say anything bad to her. I'm disappointed that it isn't going to just be the three of us. That's what we talked about. You'd spend time with us, then we'd spend time over at the other house, with Joyce and the other kids."

"You're acting as if she did something you have a right to resent her for. What is it you think she did?"

"Today was supposed to be ours, Kenny. I thought tomorrow and Saturday would be for all the children, and for you, Joyce and me."

"You should be mad at Joyce then."

"I am. I'm mad at you and her both."

"Then it's lucky Cindy is here now, so you have someone around that you aren't mad at. This is an unfortunate time for you to decide to be mad at me. It's going to put a real strain on the time we have together. I'll be honest, I had real high hopes for this visit with you. I wanted to show you that we could get along again. You being mad at me is going to get us off to a bad beginning. I wish you'd been mad at me earlier in the week, before I went to all the trouble I did, changing my schedule around so that I'd have an extra day and night to be here with you and the family."

"You hadn't done anything earlier in the week to make me mad. Why couldn't just being with Joyce, me, and the children have been enough for you on this visit?"

"I haven't done anything now either. I invited Cindy to come up here with me. Joyce and I had made some plans for what was originally scheduled to be her time with me. I guess you're mad because I didn't decide quickly enough that I should spend more time with you, and less time with Joyce and Cindy? I didn't do anything to cut short, or in any way affect, the time you and I had agreed to spend together on this visit. What I did do was make an offer to you to extend the time I'd be with you from the one day we'd agreed on, to the whole weekend. Is that what you're mad about, me wanting to spend more time with you than we had agreed to?"

"It's like you deciding to bring her along with you when we were supposed to be going on our own date."

"It's like that if all you're trying to see is the worst possible interpretation of this. Is that what you want? That isn't why I think you're acting this way. I think you're afraid, worried that we'll have our time together, and it won't be as good as you've been hoping it would be. You're giving yourself an excuse for that disappointment already. You'd rather keep your hopes intact, in case we have a problem, than take a chance of trying your best to see that we do have as good a time as you were hoping for. I think you do that whenever there's any chance that we'll be together, like this weekend. It's been four years, Shirley. We can't keep making up these artificial problems to postpone finding out for ourselves if we can still be together. I want you to try to relax about this. It really is going to be fine. We'll get through this together. We'll show each other that we can be good together again. After we do that, we'll talk about what each of us needs to do to make our future together as good as our past was, before I got sick. I'm no longer sick, and its time we began celebrating that fact."

Shirley looked sad, almost sad enough to lose her remaining composure. I reached for her hand and gently pulled on her arm until she moved slowly away from her seat across from and facing me, and over to me until she was sitting beside me on the seat I had been previously been sharing with Derek and Becky. The kids were all giggling as they watched their mother being pulled away from where she had been sitting.

"Kenny!" Shirley wasn't resisting, although she made an attempt to seem like she was. It occurred to me that this was what she wanted and needed, for me to actively reach out and bring her back to me, just like I had when I reached out and pulled her closer to me in the limo.

"Hush, Shirl, we've been apart for too long already. This visit wasn't planned so we could have another fight and postpone our being back together. We both agreed that we'd spend this time together. I'm living up to my part of that agreement. You need to live up to your part of it as well."

I happened to glance forward and see the expression on Cindy's face. It was wistful. I knew she would have greatly preferred that it was her I had reached for, and not Shirley. For the remainder of the trip over to our house, I held Shirley's hand and kept her close against me. Even the children cooperated by being quiet and well behaved. Beck had a happy smile on her face, as did Derek. Leah spent most of her time and attention just staring at Cindy. I was glad when we arrived at the house and Joyce came out to greet us all.

Cindy got out of the car and went over to kiss Joyce. Hans had come around to retrieve both Cindy's bags and carried them up to the front door. I'm sure he would have taken them inside, if Phil hadn't appeared to take the bags from him. I waved through the open door at Phil, and told Joyce I'd give her a call the next day, as soon as Shirley and I made up our minds about what we were going to do. She didn't look happy to hear me telling her that, but she waved to us anyway. When Hans got back in the limo, we drove about another half a mile over to Shirley's house.

It was an older two story wooden house on the main road going to the country club. It was less house than I had supposed it would be. I had made certain that Shirley had full access to the money I'd put into the trust I'd set up for her and our children. With years of trading profits, it had grown to be a considerable sum, more than fourteen million dollars. The house I was looking at couldn't have cost more than fifty or sixty thousand. It was an older house in an older neighborhood. Even though it was a two story house, it wasn't large or spacious by any stretch of the imagination.

"Why didn't you get something nicer than this, Shirley? You have enough money to afford a lot better than this."

"I wasn't planning on living here forever, Kenny. I just needed a place for us to live until you made your choices."

"Which choices?"

"I'd rather not say right now. Little pitchers have big ears." She looked at the three kids sitting on the seat opposite ours.

Shirley and the children went into the house, but I waited outside to speak with Hans about getting a ride back to the airport for Cindy and me, sometime during the morning on Sunday. I told him I'd let him know what time I'd be ready, later on in the weekend. I told him too, that I was planning to come by Mama's house for at least one meal, and that I wanted to spend a few hours there to give me a chance to touch bases with all of them. I said it definitely wouldn't be before Friday afternoon or sometime Saturday though.

The inside of the house was much nicer than the outside had been. The furniture was nice, and everything looked like it had been freshly painted and all the flooring looked like it had been newly varnished. It was a cozy house, even though the ceilings were low, and the rooms seemed smaller than I was used to.

I could see that Shirley was expecting me to comment on the interior.

"It's nice inside, Shirl. I can see your taste in all these pieces of furniture. I bet you and your mother had a lot of fun picking everything out?" I had noticed the furniture was different than her mom's but not so different that I'd believe she hadn't had a hand in helping Shirley pick out some of the pieces. Some of the rugs on the floor might even have come from her collection. She was always moving these rugs of hers around from one room to another, or from one spot on the floor to a spot that gave the rug a different appearance. Her husband had spent about fifteen years in the carpet business, but all Mrs. Jones kept in her house were these Persian and Turkish carpets, some were just runners, but some of them were large enough to mostly cover a good sized room. She had bought all of them used, from flea markets or from estate sales. She was quite proud of her collection, and claimed some of her rugs were very valuable.

"Would you like to see our bedroom?" Ever since we had dropped off Cindy with Joyce, Shirley's attitude had taken a turn for the better. I didn't miss the reference to it being 'our' bedroom and not her bedroom. I smiled and nodded to her that I would. "Bring your suitcase. I have a dresser in there just for your clothes."

The bedroom was the biggest and nicest of all the rooms. Shirley told me one of her brothers and her father had converted it over from having been three bedrooms before. There was a nice connecting bathroom with a large deep bath tub and a separate shower. Her dad had completely redone the bathroom for her. Small house or not, Shirley had a comfortable room for herself. I put most of my clothes away, with help from Shirley, then we went back downstairs and she showed me the two bedrooms the children had. Derek led the way. I could tell he was quite proud of his bedroom, and saw by all the football and baseball posters on his walls, that he had developed quite a passion for the Kansas City Royals and the Kansas City Chiefs. This wasn't surprising to me, given his maternal grandfather's own fanatical reverence for those two teams.

We allowed Derek to show us all the other parts of the house, including the full basement, with a special room that had been built for them to ride out any tornado activity. Most of the basement had been converted into a big playroom for the children. I was able to see that Leah had added quite a lot to her book collection, which had been considerable even before they moved. Becky's dollhouse had somehow gotten enlarged, and her collection of dolls and doll clothes had also been greatly expanded as well. Inside the doll house there were many pieces of furniture and also some appliances. Most of these had been hand made for her by either her grandfather Ron or by Phil from our house. Both of them liked to make things like that for her. Whenever she wanted anything new, she would start dropping broad hints for both men. I knew she had several boxes of duplicate pieces that she used whenever she felt like redecorating the doll house. She even had curtains and drapes, and a working vacuum cleaner that Mama had found somewhere, and brought home for her to have and use.

All five of us spent the rest of the day together. Most of the time I sat on the sofa and talked to the children as they took turns traipsing off to go get me another small part of their belongings so they could show me everything they had that was all their own. One of the things they seemed to prefer now was sole ownership of their toys and other possessions. At the house we had communal toys and even the bicycles were shared toys. I made a mental note to myself to discuss the children's obvious preference for their own individual toys and games with Joyce when we talked again. I wondered if the same thing had taken place with our children after all the other kids had moved away? I guess it's just natural to want to have things of your own. I should have remembered that from when I had grown up. It was just with so many children, all close in age, individual toys and games would have taken up too much space. Plus, I never wanted the children fighting over what toy belonged to which child.