Chapter 69

When I went back to the clinic, after my visit with Joyce and the children, Dr. Fellows and I spoke at length about my feelings, and about Joyce's reaction after I told her that I was getting some help at the clinic. Dr. Fellows told me Joyce probably would have some resentment about having been left out when I made my decision to seek help from the clinic, because she thought of her role in my life as much more than being just my wife. Joyce felt like we were partners in all things.

When I told her that Joyce was pressuring me to get back together with Shirley as well as her, we immediately started getting into something that stopped being simple conversations. What we'd done before this hadn't seemed like therapy to me. As soon as I brought up what Joyce was telling me about Shirley though, it stopped being just conversational between us.

For some reason, and I didn't have any idea why, when I brought up my misgivings about trying to get back with Shirley before Joyce and I had settled our situation, our sessions became more formal, more of a doctor patient atmosphere surrounded them. It seemed like it was more clinical and there was a definite professional aspect that hadn't been present before. It wasn't subtle, and I noticed the difference immediately. It was as though what I had told her had triggered something that caused the doctor to become more alert.

She questioned me at some length about how I felt about Joyce's request about Shirley. After I answered her, admitting to having some misgivings, she told me she wanted to hypnotize me again, and ask me some other questions. I was a little resistant about having her do this. I'd grown comfortable with the way she had been doing things. I liked being awake and aware while she asked me her questions. It made me feel less like a patient, and more like someone who was a true participant.

We spent another half hour discussing her reasons for wanting to put me under. In the end, she convinced me it was necessary. She accomplished this by telling me there was a big discrepancy between what I was telling her I wanted and what she had come to believe I actually wanted. She explained it as being like the difference between how someone actually viewed himself and how he wanted other people to view him. She said it was normal for there to be some wide differences between those two, but that people were usually more aware of these differences in viewpoints than I seemed to be.

Something in what she was telling me struck a responsive chord. I think having all those times when people reacted differently than I thought they would, or when I found out they weren't seeing things the same way I was, tended to make what she was telling me much more believable. I saw these discrepancies often in my daily living. These differences, between what I thought was occurring, and what others thought was happening, were worrisome to me. They were something I really felt I needed to overcome. I gave her permission to go ahead with the hypnosis.

For the remainder of our week together, each day Dr. Fellows would bring me into her office, usually for two or three times in the afternoon and evening, and immediately put me into a hypnotized state. When she brought me back out of it again, we would usually have a long talk. I noticed she always seemed to want to focus in on one particular area each time we talked, right after she had finished hypnotizing me.

Before that, when we were simply talking with each other, we'd jump around, talking about many things, but now we usually stayed on the same narrow topic during these talks. In the beginning, most of what we were talking about concerned only Joyce and me, but after awhile, it was more about what I thought about Shirley and all my other wives. Finally, she questioned me about how I thought Joyce felt about each of the other wives.

I'd give her the same answers all the time, but, no matter what I told her, she would come back and ask me several times again about why it was I thought that way. I started getting worried that she might be thinking I wasn't answering her correctly. I was also beginning to be worried that she might decide I needed to come back to the clinic and stay there for another long period of time. This fear probably kept me from expanding on most of my answers. I knew my real feelings weren't as clear cut as what I'd tried to make them seem when I answered some of her questions.

My feelings about all the other wives were complicated. Some of this was because of their actions, but most of it was because of my reactions to what had happened. I felt guilt over what had happened to me, and anger about what they had done during the time while I was sick. It wasn't easy for me to tell someone about the mixed feelings I had about most of the other wives. I'd had them about Joyce as well, but now, I didn't feel I could afford to allow those angry feeling to come to the surface. Some of what had troubled me about her had been resolved by me. The rest of it, I'd decided to just accept and internalize. I wanted Joyce back, so I chose to accept what I couldn't dispel.

"Doctor, I'd feel better for now if we just concentrated on Shirley, and on whether it would be better if I did what Joyce wanted me to do, or if I told her it was still too soon to add Shirley to the process we're trying to go through."

I think this was the first time that I'd actually told Dr. Fellows what I specifically wanted to work on. Telling her felt right to me because Shirley wasn't the same to me as any of the other wives. She was the one that Joyce seemed most concerned about, and she was still in Ridgeline. Also, Shirley had remained faithful to me. I didn't want to tell Dr. Fellows that, but it definitely made a difference to me.

"Kenny, a large part of the anger and unhappiness you exhibit has to do with you trying to pretend you weren't as hurt and affected by what you think of as your wives betrayals. This is a carryover from your early life at St. Cecilia's. Pretending not to care isn't the same as not caring. Your true feelings are still finding outlets for expression. The disparity between what you are saying and how you are acting towards your family is harmful and confusing to them. We need to take a good look at possible ways to bring your feelings and actions back into line with each other. The first step to doing that would be for you to be honest with yourself about your feelings."

I had a moment of panic when it became obvious to me that Dr. Fellows, when she had me hypnotized, had access to all my innermost secret thoughts and beliefs. I hadn't thought too much about the access I was giving her when I consented to her hypnotizing me again. My immediate reaction was to try to take control again.

"I want you to limit our discussion to the immediate problem of what I should do about Shirley."

"What do you want to do about Shirley?"

"I told you that I thought I should do what Joyce wants."

"I know what you told me. What I'm asking you is what do you want to do."

"I want to talk to Shirley first, just like I did with Joyce. I want to see if we can find a way to get along together again. I don't want her deciding that there's no hope for us, because I'm not sure yet that there isn't. I don't want her being with someone else. I don't want her giving up."

"This answer is consistent with your true feelings, Kenny. You've expressed these same beliefs and desires to me under hypnosis. Whenever we talk about Shirley, I find you to be internally and externally consistent. This isn't the case with most of the other women in your life. Perhaps, with time and more honest discussions together, these conflicted feelings you have about the other wives will resolve themselves into something we can better work with and understand."

"I should do what Joyce wants then? It won't cause problems between Joyce and me?"

"You should do what you want to do, whatever you think should be done. All I'm telling you right now, is that what you've just told me you wanted to do isn't in conflict with any of your subconscious feelings or beliefs. If you go forward with this, you won't have any inner turmoil from doing so, or be divided with yourself about it."

"I should talk to her first then?"

"If that is what you believe would be best."

She was deliberately provoking me by not giving me a clear cut answer to my question. I wanted directions, something I could fall back on later and point to in case things didn't turn out well. She had the answers for me, she just didn't want to give them all to me at once.

"It would have been quicker and easier if you had just told me that in the first place. It would probably make things simpler if you made me a list of all the areas where I think something different than my subconscious does when I'm hypnotized. That way, I could get some idea about how much I still need to change."

"Unfortunately, it doesn't work that way. It isn't simply a case of finding an area of conflict and then applying a solution. You had a certain lifestyle at an earlier time, one you were able to accept and feel comfortable with. There have been significant changes to your personality with this merger of your two identity states. With your present personality, you no longer feel comfortable with some aspects of your old lifestyle. This may change. In fact, I'm reasonably certain that it is changing. This is partly a result of our discussions, and partly because you have become more willing to accommodate change. Whether these changes will prove to be enough or not, that is what we're now working to discover. I believe the primary issues we have left facing us all have to do with what I'd call your newly developing tolerances. There are discrepancies between what you wish you believed and what you actually do believe. These discrepancies are having an adverse effect on your conscious desire to reconcile with some members of your family."

"I've already accepted everything that happened while I was sick. I forgave all of them for those things. I've been with most of them since I became well again. I haven't noticed any problems because of what happened before."

"How upset were you when Eddie and Dale decided to go back to Oklahoma? Or when Cindy stopped staying with you like she had been?"

I hadn't been very upset. Cindy's leaving hadn't troubled me at all. Still, no matter the easy time I had of letting Eddie and Dale go away again, I hadn't really thought about them being unfaithful since I picked them up at the airport in Chickasaw. I had tolerated things pretty well I believed. Part of me believed Dr. Fellows was wrong.

I knew I had to make a choice about what the doctor was telling me. I could either fight what she was telling me, or I could accept it, then see what we could do to repair these apparent conflicts. I chose to accept what she was saying. The choice was made easier for me because of the failures I had experienced trying to put my life back together without her help. It felt good to decide that. It felt like something I wouldn't have been able to do before when I was trying to work things out on my own. I didn't comment on that to the doctor. I wanted to savor it for myself, as my reward for being able to come to a good decision.

When I got back to my room, I called Shirley. It was only six thirty in the evening, but I was anxious to speak with her. I expected things to go slowly with her at first, just like they had with Joyce in the beginning. I was prepared for that. Naturally, because I was prepared, it didn't go like that at all.

"Hi Shirl, its Kenny." There was a long pause.

"Kenny, I'm in the middle of giving the kids their baths. Can you call me back in fifteen minutes?" She didn't seem surprised that I was calling her, even though this was the first time I'd ever called her since she had moved into her new house. I figured Joyce must have told her I'd probably be calling soon. I waited for twenty minutes before calling her back. This time Derek answered.

He and I talked for fifteen minutes. I got caught up on everything he and his two sisters had done since I'd last seen them. I spoke with Leah and Becky too. Leah, at eight years old, communicated like someone much older. She was super intelligent, and given to some very moody periods. I worried about that with her. Becky, at six, almost seven, was almost the opposite of her older sister. She wasn't as bright, although she was bright enough, but she was the happiest, most carefree child I'd ever come across. She was always laughing at anything, and able to see the good in situations when no one else did. Even the smallest things kept her out on the far edge of excited. I always felt better after spending time with Becky. Only after I'd spent time talking to each child did Shirley come on the line.

"Thanks for calling back. I was having a hard time with Derek, getting him to take his bath. He only finally agreed to take one because I promised to let him talk to you when you called back."

"Why don't you let him take showers? He's old enough now, and showers are a lot quicker. Boys aren't into baths at his age. I never liked baths."

"You told me you didn't take baths at the orphanage."

"I didn't, but if they had baths for the older boys I still would have preferred showers. Its faster, more efficient, and you aren't left sitting in all that dirty water."

"Okay, I'll try it. Would it be all right for me to tell him you said he should take showers? He might do it easier if he knew it was you that was telling him to."

"Put him on the phone for a minute. I'll talk to him."

"Daddy?"

"Hi again, sport. Listen, I've told your mother that you're old enough now to begin taking showers. I told her you'd like them better than baths. I want you showering every night while the girls take their baths. Make sure you get completely wet and use the soap all over too. A good shower only takes about five minutes. I hope your mother tells me there aren't any problems with you keeping clean from now on."

"Kenny. Whatever you said seems to have made an impression. He was grinning from ear to ear when he gave me back the phone."

"I hope it works. It was good to talk to all of them. I miss having them around me."

"They miss you too. Especially Derek. We all miss you."

"That's part of the reason why I called. You know I guess that Joyce and I have been trying to get past these changes in my personality. I've been trying to show her it can work for us. I think we're really starting to make some progress towards maybe getting back together. I wanted to do the same with you too."

"You haven't acted like you did."

"I know I haven't. I feel like Joyce and I are the ones who needed to be the first ones to get things worked out so we could get back together. We had the most problems that needed to be resolved. She's been telling me it was time for you and I to start talking about us now. I think she's right, that now is a good time for us to start talking and working out our differences. I'd like to start talking to you more, on the telephone, and maybe come by to see you and the kids when I come up to visit Joyce and the kids. You and I need to work out some things too. We need to talk more."

"Are you saying you think you have the time now to squeeze me and our children into your busy schedule?"

This wasn't like Shirley, being so confrontational and angry. Her anger wasn't helping things either. I could see that this could quickly turn into another failure. I hadn't tried to ignore her. If anything, it was Shirley going out of her way to avoid being where I was. We hadn't really spoken to each other much since I'd left the clinic.

"Is this really how you want to use this time, Shirley? Having another fight? I'm willing to sit here with you and we can talk about why you're angry. We can talk everyday on the phone, and you can tell me how you feel. I had to go through that with Joyce too. I called you tonight because I wanted us to start taking steps to get back together again. I've been getting some help back at the clinic, hoping to be different than I've been since I was released. If now is too soon for you to want to do this, or if you honestly feel it is too late for us, tell me, and I'll do whatever you want."

"Too soon? You've slept with everyone now, everyone but me and Emily. I've tried everything to get you into bed with me, but you keep pushing me away. Emily has Brenda at least. I don't have anyone else. This is what happens whenever you finally manage to get around to me again. You say something that sets me off, and then, when I get mad and leave, I have to wait another few months for you to finally get back around to me again. It's been almost four years now, Kenny."

"This time it was you who set yourself off. Last time we were at the house together, I thought we had a deal for us to talk, and to sleep together. You didn't ever show up. That time at the hospital, I was having some anger problems, and you were becoming frightened of me. In spite of how it might seem to you, Shirley, I really do want to be with you."