Chapter 67

"Joyce, I'm flying up tonight, after work. I should land no later than seven o'clock. Can you have Hans meet me at the terminal?" It had been three days since our last conversation. I'd had my own thoughts in the time since we'd spoken together. I was still undecided about what I should be doing. To be more accurate, I wouldn't know what I'd decided until after Joyce and I got together. That we would get together was something I felt confident about. What I didn't feel confident about was how I'd act when we did.

"Did you think about where you'll stay?"

"I'll stay at the house again. No sense shifting all the children around for a short visit like this."

"What about the other thing we discussed? Did you decide about that?"

"Not yet. I'm still negotiating about that."

"I told you we both wanted to sleep with you."

"I didn't mean I was negotiating with you or with Shirley. I've been trying to think about what my life is going to be like, both now and in the future. I see two different scenarios. Only one possible scenario interests me, but I'm trying to make sure that what I want to happen will actually take place. For this to happen, I need to be sure its what I want, all of me has to be sure."

"You aren't making sense now, Kenny. Either you want to, or you don't."

"I'm making sense to me, Joyce. I'm coming up to spend some time with my children. I'm not planning on anything else right now. It might seem like a simple choice to you, but I'm still trying to negotiate for what we can do now. I'd like to sleep with you, but only if it wouldn't cause problems for us later. Right now, I don't have any assurances that it wouldn't."

"Are you arguing with yourself again?" Joyce had a lot of concern in her voice when she asked her question.

"You can call it that. I'm trying to decide some things. Whatever I decide, it will open up some doors and close a few others. I'm making up my mind about what kind of life I'm planning to live. Whatever I decide, I need to be sure this time before I go ahead with it."

When I got to the house in Ridgeline, Joyce wasn't at home. Shirley was there though, and she opened the door to greet me. She looked nervous, and more than a little embarrassed. Seeing her that way around me was more than a little upsetting. It underscored the divide that kept us separated from each other.

"Joyce thought you might be more comfortable if she was over at your mother's house. She told me to tell you she had made her own decision."

"She probably made the right one. Were you expecting to sleep with me this weekend?" Shirley's face got even more of a strained look on it. She looked like she wanted to run off somewhere, to hide from me. I could see her fighting against that desire to run off.

"I was hoping we could spend some time together. We haven't really talked about what was happening to us. I didn't want to leave before finding out why you decided to treat all of us like you did." Shirley was never comfortable arguing with anyone. I could see why she wanted to have a talk with me, if for no other reason then to allow us to say we were both sorry about how things ended up for us.

"Were you planning on sleeping with me when we had this talk? The reason I'm asking is so I can plan for it. Those things are no longer simple for me, Shirley. I have to prepare things so nothing goes wrong if it happens."

"If you want to sleep with me, then I'd like that too." Shirley rushed out the words so fast it made me smile.

"Is today a good day for that with you?" I smiled back at her, relieved that she'd come right out and told me she wanted to sleep with me. It didn't matter as much with Shirley, not like it did with Joyce. If I messed things up again with Joyce, the repercussions would be far greater. Shirley would be less complicated for me. I knew we could enjoy having sex with each other.

"Right now would be a good time for me, Kenny, but I guess you'd like to put your things away, and then go spend some time with the children? It's almost eight and I told Joyce I'd give her a call when you decided about us."

"I decided about you, Shirley. That's all I decided about. Joyce and I still need to discuss our things."

"That's what I meant. You and me, us. Joyce said you'd probably find it easier with just me, instead of having to deal with both of us, and then you still having to make another choice."

I made no further comment, instead I turned and carried my bag up to my room. I went down to the children's play room and spent time with all eight that were there. I couldn't help feeling sad about the other four. I wondered why I couldn't just be happy about the eight I was there playing with and talking to? I knew it had to do with me feeling guilty about having turned things around so much that their moving to California seemed like a good thing for them to do. They were gone because of my having problems. I wanted to remember that. I didn't want to lose sight of why things were the way they were.

By ten o'clock, all the children were up in their rooms, in their beds and asleep. It had been a good visit for me, up until that point. None of the children seemed to have any problem with me other then wondering why I wasn't coming home every night like I used to do. Derek seemed upset about being moved back and forth so much. I watched how he interacted with Little Bertie, but it appeared to me that she still dominated their relationship. If anything, I would have been worried that she had too strong an influence over Bunny and Derek. The three oldest were all growing up so quickly. I started worrying about the day when they'd all be adults.

I was in my bedroom, undressed and under the covers by ten fifteen. There was no sign of Shirley. Briefly, I wondered if I had misunderstood her, wondered if she was perhaps expecting me to come over to her room. I think I'd spent maybe a total of two nights in her bedroom though, so I doubted I was waiting in the wrong place. I must have lain awake until some time after eleven, before deciding that she must have changed her mind about wanting to sleep with me. I thought back to our earlier conversation and knew I hadn't misunderstood about which room.

I rolled over on my side and went right to sleep. At some level there had been tension over the prospect of once again sleeping with and making love to Shirley. Perhaps it had been another test that I had been given by Shirley or Joyce. If it had been, I was sure that I'd failed it. Failure was no longer something that came as a surprise to me. If anything, I expected to fail when it came to my family relations. There seemed to be sides to all questions, and I always seemed to be finding myself all alone on my side.

I woke up before seven. With the heavy curtains on the windows, the room was still fairly dark. Something had awakened me. I rolled over on my back and tried to think about what had awakened me. It had to have been a noise of some kind.

"Are you awake now, Kenny?" Joyce was in the room with me. At first, I didn't know how I felt about that. I had been prepared to speak with her about the two of us sleeping together. She didn't stick around to give me the chance. Maybe she was coming over to discuss it with me now?

"I'm awake. Why did you leave last night, Joyce?" I tried to keep my tone neutral, make it seem like a search for information, not a judgment on her action.

"I didn't want you being uncomfortable, or having to make decisions when you weren't sure about them. Shirley was going to be here and I thought it would be more fair if you decided about her without me here distracting things. I think now I made a mistake. Shirley isn't ready to deal with you being so direct and so cold and detached about things."

"Shirley was supposed to come in to sleep with me last night, but she didn't show up. If she was changing her mind about wanting to sleep with me, she should have come to me and said something."

"I know. That's one of the reasons why I came back here this morning. Did you think you handled yourself well with Shirley last night?" From the way she asked this question I knew she expected me to answer in the negative. I thought back to the short conversation Shirley and I had shared. It didn't seem cold or detached to me. I had to admit I'd been direct though. Possibly too direct as I thought back on it.

"I didn't give it much thought when we were talking about things. She asked me if I wanted to talk with her. I asked her if she wanted us to sleep together while we talked. I thought we had agreed to spend the night together, but she didn't come to my room. Did she get angry at the way I spoke to her?"

"I wouldn't say angry. She was afraid. Did you even bother to spend more than five minutes with her before you propositioned her?" By now, Joyce was unleashing her full ire in my direction. Looking at it now, I could understand some of why she might be upset. I knew I didn't want to do anything to make her more upset. I could see where all this was heading. I didn't want to go there. It was time for me to retreat, to try to salvage some of the good I'd gotten from my visit.

"I enjoyed spending some time with the kids, Joyce. That was my main reason for showing up here. If you remember, it was you that brought up the idea that Shirley wanted to sleep with me again. You seemed concerned for her. I remember a hundred times when I asked Shirley if she wanted to sleep with me. It never caused anyone any problems before. I guess now it does. I'm sure it has to do with how I asked her. Next time, I'll wait until she brings it up herself. The same thing goes for you, Joyce. I'm not planning on asking you for any sex either. If you want it, you'll have to ask me."

"I did ask you, Kenny. The last I heard from you, you were still negotiating with yourself about it. If you have that many qualms about even wanting to sleep with me, then I don't want you to attempt to."

I knew Joyce, and I knew she didn't mean that. Once she got something like this in her head, very little could change her mind about it. She wanted to sleep with me. I'd have bet every penny I had that this was true. I reached for the covers and threw them off of me, exposing my hard dick. It was dark in the room, but both of us had adjusted to the low light level. I knew she could see my cock, waving firmly in the air like it was.

"If you have nothing else to discuss with me, Joyce, I need to take my shower." I watched her face as she stared at my cock. I knew she was hungry for me, as hungry for me as I was for her.

"Did you decide about my question, Kenny?" In spite of what she had just said about not wanting me to attempt it, her words gave the lie to the earlier claim.

"I don't want to just fuck you, Joyce. It never was just about that. It's hard on me knowing you don't want me like I am now. Even when you tell me that you might want to have me fuck you some more, you don't say its for any other reason than so you can get laid. I don't want us to get in that type of a relationship, Joyce. We had a lot better relationship than that."

I stood up on the side of the bed that was away from her, and started walking to my bathroom. I knew she was already excited from just having looked at me like she had. She had come over to make a few points with me. To make me feel bad about how I'd treated Shirley. It had made me angry with her again, but not so angry I wanted to jeopardize future visits with the children. I'd leave her with something to think about. Neither of us should use sex as a political weapon. We both wanted each other, but it wasn't the basis for rebuilding the first lines of our relationship.

"Why did you agree to Shirley when you said you hadn't decided about me?" Throughout all the years of our involvement, Joyce had felt insecure about why I'd chosen her over the other wives. It took very little for that insecurity to make itself felt. That was what was happening then. Joyce was also reacting to my telling Shirley I would sleep with her.

"Shirley's easier for me. I don't have as much riding on my relationship with her. You're the key person, Joyce. Once you make up your mind, the rest will follow your lead. Look how quickly they abandoned the house after we decided to quit trying to fix things. All the others can live with the way I've changed. What they can't live with is you not being able to live with those changes. Neither of us are a big enough draw to hold things together by ourselves."

"I can't stand the way you do and say things now, Kenny. I get upset every time I hear something new that you've either said or done. Even now, here with me, its obvious that you're just toying with me. You know how I get when I see you hard like this, and you're using that now to try to control me. You never did that before you got sick."

"You say I'm doing it to control you. I'm not the one saying it. I do know how you react to my hard dick, that's true enough. I'll even go so far as to admit I showed it to you to try to get your attention and interest. I don't see how that necessarily makes it an attempt to control you. I love you, and because I do, I'm trying to convince you that there's still enough of me left for you to be able to love me too. You found a way to love me once, and part of it was because I got you excited, sexually. I can still do that. We both know I can. I wanted you to feel that excitement for me. I'm using whatever I still have to try to get you to find out if there's enough of me left for you to love. You've just been assuming there isn't. You've assumed that because some things I do now are offensive to you. I never did this before I was sick, because I never needed to back then. I need to do it now, and you should be happy that I want you enough to keep trying to find a way we can stay together."