Chapter 65

I was surprised that Cindy had awakened before me. She only woke me after she was already dressed and ready to leave for her place to put on a clean change of clothes. I walked her out, mostly so I could move my car enough to let her get down my driveway. We kissed and hugged, but she didn't give me any answer when I asked her if she would be coming to Ridgeline with Eddie, Dale, and me. I watched her drive away before returning to my bedroom to shower and dress for work. I believed our lovemaking had been a great success. I was puzzled that she hadn't seemed more enthusiastic with me in the morning.

I was in my office, trading up a storm, at noon, when I received a call from Joyce on my private phone line. While not a first, Joyce seldom phoned on my private line. We spoke about business matters all the time, but the private phone was for private calls.

"I heard you and Cindy decided to make up last night. What happened to your decision to wait until after you and I got back together?" She sounded upset, angry, and worried, all at the same time. I had been right before when I thought I should wait on reconciling with Cindy.

"Eddie said I should fuck her. Said it was what she needed. Eddie thinks I should do that regularly, with all my wives. She thinks it would make a lot of my problems disappear. I thought you said it didn't matter to you, about Cindy?"

"It doesn't matter, except that I just wish you'd decide what you're going to do for once, and then stick with that decision. You keep changing your plans without telling anyone you've done that. I think it worked well this time though. Cindy called to talk to me, asking if it would be all right if she were to come home with you this weekend too."

"To Mama's you mean? I wasn't planning on coming over to our house."

"No, Kenny, you're staying here with us. I already told both sets of twins you would be here this weekend. You can't disappoint them like that. It would make things a lot easier for me if you stayed here with us."

"Why would it be easier? I thought me staying away made it easier?" I was becoming concerned about the agitation I heard in Joyce's voice. I wasn't sure whether she was still upset over what Cindy and I did, or because I planned on coming back to Ridgeline and staying at Mama's house.

"Kenny, don't make me spell it out for you. You win, okay? If you don't come here, Emily and Brenda are both planning to take the kids and move down to Birmingham too. Mama has been talking to them. I'm not sure what you told her, but whatever it was, she seems convinced that you should be with all the children now. If you come home again, I can wait for a week or two, and then move back over to Mama's with the children. We'll still be living close enough so you can spend all the time you want to with the kids."

"Did you think this was some sort of contest we were having? I never wanted that. All I wanted was to get back to how it was before, with all of us together. You're the one who keeps insisting that I need to make so many changes before we can try to do that."

"I don't know what to think anymore, Kenny. Brenda has been telling me that she thinks I'm the one causing all the problems, not you. Ever since I told them about you being back with Eddie and Dale, they've been yelling at me for making you leave in the first place. Only Shirley still thinks I did the right thing."

"If you want me to, I'll speak with them, tell them I think you did the right thing too. I needed to make some changes, and I needed to be desperate enough to be motivated to make them."

Joyce didn't say anything, but I could hear her weeping softly. It was faint, and I thought she might have her hand covering the mouthpiece, to prevent me from hearing her crying. I kept quiet as well, waiting for her to regain her composure.

"Come stay with us, Kenny. We'll have a family meeting and talk about what we have to do. I don't have the energy left to try to keep things together here. I tried to do what I thought was needed, but they all think I was being selfish. I want this to be over, but I can't live with you the way you are now."

I found myself getting angry. We always seemed to get back to our original starting positions. I felt like I'd changed as much as I could hope to, and Joyce felt like whatever changes I'd managed weren't enough.

It was discouraging for me, but, from what she was telling me, it was quite a bit harder on her. I was angry because she wouldn't give me a real chance to show her it could work out if we both tried to make it work.

It was more frustration with her than anger, but I'd had to work hard to make that distinction. My emotional range had widened after the identity merger, and it was taking me some time to adjust to controlling everything again.

I told her that I'd come to Mama's house like I'd planned on, but that I'd come over early on Saturday so all of us adults could have a meeting and talk about possible directions we could all go in for our future.

After I hung the phone up, I reflected on the several sudden turns of events which seemed to be taking place. I felt bad for Joyce. Her problems with me were affecting all the other relationships she loved and cherished.

I'd been in her place before, and I knew how much it hurt to be scorned, to have all your decisions inspected, questioned, and then repudiated by the people you loved the most. Whenever two people were in conflict, shared friends and family were inevitably forced to take sides. Joyce was beginning to take a lot of heat too. People were agitating in hopes of breaking the impasse between Joyce and me.

One thing I hadn't liked was Joyce saying I had won. She implied that my winning had to mean her losing. Obviously, if she really felt this way, she no longer believed the two of us were both on the same side.

It had been heading in that direction ever since I had first awakened in the clinic. By then, Joyce had been trying to keep things together by herself for more than two years. In my mind it was an absolute given that Joyce and I had to be on the same side. If we weren't, none of the rest of what was occurring even mattered that much to me. I'd made a big mistake earlier in how I'd treated Joyce when I first was released from the clinic. I'd also been mistaken in believing she would be as capable, confident and competent without me being there to assist her. I knew I wasn't as capable, confident or competent without her. It stood to reason that the same would be true with her.

She must have hoped and believed I'd be the solution to all the problems that had built up, but, instead, I'd come out and immediately made myself an even bigger problem for her. I should have thought about what things had been like for her. Instead, all I worried about was how everything had affected me.

I knew the best way to accomplish my real goal, getting Joyce back, would be to manage to throw my full support and influence behind all of Joyce's decisions, both past and present, at this family meeting she wanted to set up. It didn't matter who had been right, or who had been wrong. Divided, we were each far less than we had been when we were united. Both of us had lost sight of that simple truth, and had ended up paying a high price for doing so.

It was interesting that Joyce would admit there was a mini mutiny going on at home, and also identify the two mutineers to me. I thought about why she might have done so before it occurred to me that this was one way for her to test my claim about being Good Kenny whenever I was alone with her. She had told me she was worried that I might do something sneaky if she ever decided to trust me again. I wouldn't put it past her to have planned this as a test of my sincerity.

At three thirty, after I'd wrapped up another successful day of trading, I decided to call Mama again. I wanted to check in with her about our arrival time the next day, but I mostly wanted to discuss what Joyce had said to me, and to ask her opinion about how I should handle Joyce's request.

We spent quite some time discussing Joyce's statements. Mama confirmed to me that she had spoken with Brenda, Shirley, and Emily about their specific reasons for being afraid of me.

"I was able to see that there was no solid foundation for their fears. With Emily and Brenda, it was mostly their fear of being punished for their past behavior. They also worry about being shamed by you when they have to be confronted for their lapse. I truly believe this is all that was keeping them from being more willing to finally resolve your differences. Shirley does have legitimate fears and concerns. She isn't troubled for the safety of the children, but for she is very troubled by the idea of them having you serving as one of their role models. Those worries seem to center mostly around Derek. She and I have spoken of the pro's and con's of Derek's admiration and his love for you. I believe Shirley is beginning to understand that Derek needs you back in his life more than she should worry about any possible harm that might come from you being around him. You need to understand that Shirley will be watching both you and Derek for any signs that your interaction is harmful to him in any way. You have to be sensitive to her fears, and not give her reason to continue worrying."

I was being warned and guided, all at the same time. Mama was a consummate meddler, but in situations like the one I had found myself in, her meddling was working to my advantage. I'd been on the other end of her meddling, mostly when it concerned Joyce and Brenda, but now I was benefiting from it, so I accepted it without chastising her for interfering in my affairs.

"Should I go back to my old room, over at my house while I'm here, or stay in my old room at your house? Joyce wanted me to come back home for my visit."

"Who do you need to be visiting, Kenny? Your father or me? Hardly. Right now, your primary duty is to your family. You should be with them. If you have a successful visit with them, many of your problems could be resolved, perhaps permanently. We want to see you, of course. Come for dinner on Saturday, all of you. It has been too long since this house has been filled. I've missed having all the activity and the laughter in our home. Come for lunch and stay for dinner. Make this home a safe haven, a place to relax and enjoy your family. I'm sure there will be some tension at your house. Keep in mind what it is you're trying to accomplish, Kenny. You can undo a lot of good by speaking words that can't be retracted. Take the time to think before you react and lash out in anger."

"I'm better at controlling myself now. I saw how much getting angry was hurting me with everyone. I'm still learning new things about myself and what I need to do to fit in better now. It was so much easier, before when it all seemed to come naturally for me. Now, I have to watch everything, all the time. I can never relax."

"Speaking of relaxing, I heard from Joyce, who heard it from Cindy, that the shaking in your hand has stopped. Is that true?"

I hadn't thought about it. I know it had gotten worse in the clinic, but I hadn't given it much thought ever since I'd moved back down to Birmingham. I tried to remember the last time I'd had the tremors. I remembered an incident a month before, while I was reaching out to open my car door. It had only lasted for a few seconds before going away on its own. Several times I'd felt a tingling sensation in my hand and arm since, but no tremors had occurred.

"I don't think it quit, Mama, but it isn't as frequent or as severe as it used to be. I don't reach out for things as much as before, and I put my arm down anytime I think they might be going to start up."

"How do you know when they're going to start?"

"I don't know, I just do. It always happens when my arm is extended out away from my body. I've learned how to adjust my movement so it doesn't happen as often."

"That's good, dear. Perhaps there's a lesson to be learned from that? These issues you and Joyce both seem to have? Perhaps you both need to try to adjust and make the best of things. You two are both so good for each other, but you need to constantly be aware of what it takes to make it so. There will always be trials and minor dissatisfactions. You need to give and take, Kenny. It seems to me that you are the one who needs to give more this time. Don't make Joyce feel like she lost anything. You can afford to treat her generously, because it seems like now you will be getting back everything you'd once feared you'd lost."

There is always a price to pay when transacting anything with Mama. She was handing me the bill now for this transaction, and we both knew I had little choice other than to pay it. Mama was telling me to let Joyce appear to win. I didn't know how I could do that now. If Emily and Brenda were both threatening to move down to Birmingham, with our children, to be with me, how could I possibly make it look like Joyce had won? It was beyond me.

"I want to treat her generously, Mama, but she's waited too long. From what she told me, Brenda and Emily were going to leave her anyway. That just leaves her and Shirley, and the kids. Can I just cave in and tell her I'll give in and let her be in control of things now, after I didn't give in to her even when she had all my wives and all my kids?"

"Darling, you aren't approaching this correctly. This isn't about control. This is about compatibility. You have to convince Joyce that the two of you can be compatible now, even though you've changed some. In the first place, you haven't invited those girls to come live with you. If they do offer to move down to be with you, who says you must accept their offer? Perhaps you can turn them down and then allow Joyce to talk you into coming back home again?"

It was dishonest and devious. I wondered if Mama had come up with this idea on her own, or if Joyce had assisted her in coming up with it. I wasn't sure I wanted to take the chance on all this backfiring on me. It was that sneaky part that scared me. I thought it was possible that Joyce might have a plan that involved using me this way to keep Emily and Brenda staying with her.

This showed me again how badly things had deteriorated between the two of us. Any reconciliation had to begin with an act of trust, and one of us had to be the one to go first. I also had the advantage of already knowing that Joyce was the centerpiece to my family anyway. While I wanted Emily and Brenda back, wanted it desperately, without Joyce too, it wouldn't be enough. I'd learned that lesson from getting Eddie, Dale, and Cindy back. I could be the first to trust. It was a risk that was definitely worth taking. If I was wrong, and she did end up double crossing me, I could always keep on doing what I'd been doing before, treating Eddie, Dale, and Cindy well, and working on the others as individual re-acquistions. I could develop a plan to get Brenda, Emily and Shirley back later. Joyce was definitely the key acquisition for me. I knew if I had her, all the rest would follow.

"You think I should go ahead and let them have this family meeting, then tell Emily and Brenda, if them moving to Birmingham comes up, that I'm not ready to forgive either of them yet?"

"We think you should insist on it being all of them or none of them. Include Joyce and Shirley, instead of trying to pick them off one at a time. If you do that, the ones who already want to be back with you will be working on the others to get them to agree. You'll have new allies."

"We think that?" I couldn't help thinking the worst, that Mama and Joyce were still plotting against me.

Mama paused for a few seconds.

"Gerta and I think that, Kenny. Don't be paranoid. I'm not plotting with Joyce. If anything, I'm plotting with you this time against her. Its for a good cause though, because someone needs to help you two get back together. Gerta and I both believe this separation has dragged on long enough. You and Joyce must be made to solve these differences. Gerta and I both think you need to be alone together, intimately alone, in order to bridge these differences. A woman looks at things much differently after she has her other pressures reduced. Joyce has been under a great deal of strain. She needs to be more relaxed. She will see benefits to her accepting some changes in you."

"You mean I should perform my marital duties with her?" I enjoyed teasing Mama like that. She didn't want to get into any actual details, so I pretended not to understand what she meant.

"Gerta and I both expect far more from you than just performing some duty, Kenny. For what Joyce is going to need to accept from you in the way of changed behavior, you'll have to give her something to make her acceptance seem worthwhile. You'll need to perform at your very best in that area. Give her a good reason to lower her other requirements and expectations, to accept how you now present yourself. Our father, Kenny, he was not a nice man, and no one ever claimed he was. He knew about people though, he knew how to make them like him, although he didn't always care whether they liked him or not. When he did need people to like him, he found a way to meet that challenge. This is your biggest challenge, dear, perhaps the most important one you'll ever face. You have to meet it well enough that Joyce will be willing to drop all her other objections. By now, we all realize these are objections involving behavior criteria that you could never hope to meet. She has to have a good reason for dropping those objections. Give her that reason."

I had my marching orders. Not surprisingly, I was looking forward to answering Mama's challenge. One thing I did know, and this was something I was confident I hadn't lost, was how to get Joyce's motor going. I knew all her sexual appetites, and I knew every square inch of her body. If getting her sexually satisfied was all it took to get her to accept me the way I now was, then Mama could consider it as good as done. I told her as much.

She told me that she would have Hans at the airport at twelve o'clock the next day, reminding me that she expected all of us at her house from noon on Saturday, until about seven or eight that evening. I knew she wanted to be in a position to observe, first hand, how her scheming and plotting was unfolding. I was grateful for her help, and didn't begrudge her the ringside seat. I wondered if my father was privy to any of what was beginning to unfold?

The flight back home was lively. The girls were all excited to be going home to see everyone, and I was feeling as keyed up and nervous as on the morning of the day I first got married. There were literally a thousand things that might go wrong and spoil all of this for us. For it to work, everything needed to go just right. I wasn't kidding myself that I was in charge of any of it, other than for bringing myself and the girls back to Ridgeline.

I didn't really believe that Mama would leave anything to chance, so I was guessing that Joyce too had been given her instructions. It wouldn't have surprised me too much to find out that Mama had talks with each of her grandchildren too, telling them how they were supposed to act, and what they needed to say while I was in town. I even found myself hoping this was the case, and that everyone already knew the part they were supposed to play, and had agreed to play it just like I had.

Things went perfectly at first. The flight went well, and Hans was waiting for us at the maintenance hangar with his new limousine. I hadn't seen this one before, and Hans and I talked about it as he showed me around all the custom work Mama had ordered from the factory that had stretched and converted the new Lincoln. It was a beautiful car, but I sensed Hans missed the old one.

I asked him about the old limousine, but he smiled and told me Mama had given the car to him to keep. He had it over at a German friend's shop, and was having it completely rebuilt and restored.

"Why are you doing that, Hans? You can't drive two limo's."

"I don't need to drive two. Phil can drive one, you know. It was time for you to have your own big family car. Soon, the children will be old enough to need someone to take them places. They should travel in style. This will be a gift from me and Gerta. I will be pleased when the time comes that we have need for both cars at once. In fact, your mother and Gerta are thinking we'll need to get a third car, for when Derek and the older twins begin high school in a few years."

"You all have everything planned out for us, don't you? I hope nothing comes up to throw a monkey wrench into all these grandiose plans,"

"Ha! You don't even know the half of it. So many plans your mother has for these children. Caravan trips to Springfield, and flights to New York and Chicago. Already she has your father looking at larger company planes, ones that are big enough for the whole family to fly in. I heard her tell Gerta that she wanted to take a whole summer, for a trip to Europe, and a three week cruise in Hawaii, on a chartered yacht. For these "kinder", she is pulling out all the stops."

The trip to Ridgeline was good, giving me half an hour to think about what I wanted to accomplish with my visit. When we pulled up into the driveway, the front door opened and all my children came running out on the entryway leading up to the house from the paved driveway.

It was good to see all of them, but worrying for me to note how quickly they were changing in the short time since I'd last seen them. They were all there together though. I knew that because I'd counted them in my head as I looked them all over closely. There were few, if any, things I found more comforting than the sight of all my children standing together, smiling at me. They were all smiling, at me, and smiling at seeing Eddie, Dale, and Cindy too. Eddie and Dale were the first two out of the car, exiting even before Hans had put it into park. Cindy wasn't too far behind them. I noticed the front door of the house was still partially opened, with Joyce's head peering out at all of us, and, far above her head was Shirley's as well. They looked like a totem pole, staring out at us like that.

I didn't see Emily or Brenda. I didn't take much notice of that, or read anything special into their absence. I could understand why they might not want to be members of the initial greeting party. I still had my issues with both of them. The last time I'd spoken to Brenda had been when she told me I needed to whip her ass black and blue too. I tried not to dwell on those kinds of thoughts. This was supposed to be a homecoming, not a day of vengeance.

All of us squeezed forward into the house. Phil, Claire and Thelma came out to help us with our luggage. I shook hands with all of them and told them how glad I was to see them again. As I got nearer to the front door, Joyce and Shirley retreated inside the house. They had both smiled at me, but neither one offered any verbal greeting. It was becoming a little different than what I'd been picturing it to be.

When I finally made my way inside the house, Joyce and Shirley weren't anywhere to be seen. They had moved off somewhere and I couldn't see where. I shrugged in some confusion, having expected they were just waiting their turn to greet me too. After waiting to no avail, I decided to take my suitcase upstairs and put it in my bedroom. I wanted to get an opportunity to freshen up a little first, and then come back downstairs to spend some time with all the children. I was a little concerned about Shirley and Joyce disappearing like they had

My plan lasted only as long as it took me to climb the stairs and open my bedroom door. Inside, Emily and Brenda were waiting for me. They were both sitting on my bed, fully clothed, and trying not to look scared. Brenda tried smiling, but she couldn't quite bring it off. She and Emily were both still beautiful. Seeing them together like that made me have a sharp intake of breath. I had so many stored up memories of the three of us together. My first reaction to them being there was that Joyce had planned it to be like that. Perhaps she meant it as another test.

Unfortunately, there were other memories stored up, ones not as pleasant as most of the others. The most recent memories of them weren't very pleasant for me to think about, but those were the ones that were quickly taking over my thoughts. Some of what I was thinking about must have been showing on my face, because both girls suddenly paled at the look I was giving them.

Brenda started crying, and then Emily began screaming at me. I heard what she was yelling, but I couldn't understand why she would pick this particular time to attack me. She must have been panicked by the look she saw. That was the only logical explanation for her behavior.

She was really giving it to me good, telling me I had no right to intimidate either her or Brenda. I think she thought she was going to be the one protecting Brenda. She started listing all the wrongs I'd committed against them, saying I had no right to punish anyone.

"I'm not here to punish anyone, Emily. I came for a visit, and Joyce said I should stay here, rather than at Mama's. I just wanted to see my family again. If me being here makes you two so uncomfortable, maybe it would be better if you went somewhere else for the weekend. I'll be gone again on Monday."

When I said I wasn't going to punish anyone, Brenda immediately turned off the crying. Emily had quit screaming at me while she listened to me replying to her accusations. When I shut up, she began talking again. This time it was in a more normal tone of voice.

"This is our home too, you know? We don't have to leave."

"I didn't say you had to, only that you could leave if it made you more comfortable to do so. I hope you'll let the children stay here, even if you two do decide to leave."

"We're not leaving. If anyone should leave, its you." Same old Emily. When she wanted to fight, she'd keep after you until she finally found something you'd be willing to fight about. I wasn't going to fall for it this time. I put my bag down by the door and turned around to leave. "Take your bag if you're leaving."

"Get out of my bedroom, now, both of you. I didn't come here to fight with you two. I don't know what you were expecting from me, but I'm pretty sure you aren't going to get whatever it was."

"I want you to beat me, Kenny. I want to just get it over with." Brenda started crying again as soon as she spoke those words.

"I'm not going to beat you, Brenda. It wouldn't change anything, and it wouldn't make you want to be faithful to anyone."

"I can be faithful, Kenny. I made a mistake, that's all. I was weak for a short time, but I was perfectly faithful for almost all the time you were sick. I got lonesome, and I messed up. I'm sorry."

"I'm sorry too, Brenda. I'd have felt better if you'd told me before you let me believe that you had stayed faithful the whole time while I was sick."

"I never told you that I'd been faithful. You didn't ask me. It was just one guy, and it lasted for about a week. I didn't love him."

"You know what? I don't really care. It isn't that important to me now. I have so many other things that are more important. I'm very disappointed, but I can't say I'm that surprised by what happened either. I wasn't exactly expecting it from you, but I guess we all knew you were capable of doing that." Brenda, still crying, got up and ran from my bedroom. I expected Emily to follow right behind her, but she didn't. She sat there on the bed, trying to stare me down. She was obviously going to try to turn this whole thing around, to blame me for causing both Brenda and her to cheat on me.

"I guess our only mistake was in not bringing the guys back here with us, then telling everyone they were our new husbands. You and Joyce did that with Eddie, Dale, and Cindy. All we did was sleep with them for awhile. I don't know why you have to make such a big deal about it. Did we make a big deal out of it when you and Joyce did the same thing?"

"You know, Em, its you who has been beating yourself up over this, not me. I forgive you. I'm sorry it happened, and I'm sure both of us wish it hadn't happened, but it did. I'm prepared to just try to put it out of my mind."

"You aren't going to punish me? Really?"

"No. Just like I told Brenda, it wouldn't change what happened. Punishing you won't make me feel any better."

"You told Brenda you had to beat me because I wouldn't think you loved me if you didn't do it."

"I told her that, but I've changed my mind. You don't stop loving someone because they disappoint you. I never stopped loving you."

"Does that mean its going to be okay now, for you, me, and Brenda?"

"No, it doesn't mean that. You left, and then you told me you didn't want to be my wife anymore. Both of you decided you could do whatever you wanted to do, and you hurt Joyce in the process of acting like that. You made her feel like a failure. I ended up blaming her for not doing a better job keeping all of you together, as a family. I need to find a way to make things up to Joyce before things get back to being okay again. I don't even know what I can do to make it up to her. Right now, she really doesn't want to have much to do with me."