Chapter 64

I'm not sure what it was that started moving things back in the direction I'd been hoping for. Whatever it was, I was very grateful when it happened. I have a theory that it had to do with the fact that I started feeling like I was never going to get anywhere with my wives again, and that I was losing contact with all my children. Instead of finding a way to make progress with solving this big personal crisis, I was spending all my time and energy working and trading. I'd like to think that, subconsciously at least, I was aware that the man I now was wasn't ever going to be a success with any of the members of my family. That probably was what motivated me to try to change the way I thought about things.

I had this attitude and belief at that time that I was through with being able to make any changes to myself, that the man I now was had little chance of ever changing. Who I was then was going to be who I'd always be. Being unhappy now, that belief was really being tested. We all have hopes of being happy, of being well liked. I hadn't had much recent experience with being universally disliked. For that feeling, I had to draw on some of my earlier childhood experiences.

I first became aware, on a conscious level, that I was still changing, the night I placed a phone call to Eddie and Dale. It was a spur of the moment decision on my part. I'd been sitting at home, working on trying to figure out if we now had enough outside sales crews for the Quick Snacks sales program to begin to start canvassing outside the South. We had over one hundred full time sales people, with another fifty new hires either in sales training classes, or out in the field, working with our more successful and experienced crew people.

Things were going slower than I'd hoped, but still faster than anyone but me had been predicting they would. By the end of the month, we would have a minimum of fifteen fully trained sales crews, with each crew meeting or exceeding their weekly sales targets.

When Eddie answered her mother's phone, I started in talking right away. I didn't want to give her the chance to get our conversation off to a bad beginning.

"Hi, Eddie, it's Kenny. I've been thinking about you and Dale a lot lately. I miss you both. How's your mother doing?" I spoke quickly, more nervous than I thought I'd be. I was afraid I'd waited too long to finally call them.

"Kenny! Are you at home with Joyce and the family again?" Eddie seemed happy to hear from me, but worried too. This made me think that Joyce had been talking to both of them. I should have known she'd have coordinated a united front with all of them. It wasn't that I had been trying to go behind anyone's back by calling Eddie and Dale.

Since we didn't have any children together, and because Eddie and I had enjoyed good sexual experiences together at the clinic, I thought it might be better if I started back with them first. Joyce, Emily, Shirley and Brenda weren't as free to take risks with me, because they did have our children they thought they needed to protect. Eddie and Dale were able to make their own decisions, without having to worry about any of that.

"No, I'm still down here in Birmingham. Joyce and I decided we needed to maintain some distance between us, until after we can decide what has to be done to make it good for all of us to live together again."

"That isn't the same as what they all keep telling us, Kenny. Joyce says you've changed back some, but not nearly enough to suit her yet. She thinks you're maybe just trying to pretend that you're anything like our other Kenny was." There was a question in there somewhere. It was like Eddie was hoping I was going to deny that Joyce was right about me pretending anything. I didn't know how to tell Eddie that I was worried about that too, not without scaring her and Dale away from me all over again.

"Joyce knows me better than anyone else, Eddie. I can't really say I've figured things out enough myself to be certain about anything. No, that isn't true either. I'm certain I don't like having people be afraid of me, or of them worrying that I might do harm to my children. I miss having my family, and being with all of them."

"Dale needs to talk to you, Kenny. Talk to her for a few minutes, okay? Don't hang up though, not until after we talk some more."

I was going to tell her okay, but then I heard Dale talking excitedly into the phone.

"Hi Kenny! I'm so glad you finally called us. Are you coming to pick us up soon?" Dale wasn't usually like that, so excitable. That was how Eddie was, but not her sister. It was good to hear her voice, and even nicer to know that someone still cared, and wanted to be with me.

"Hi, Dale. I didn't know you even wanted me to come pick you up? I thought everyone was still upset with me."

"We've been telling Joyce, just about every day, for a solid month, that we did want you to do that. Dee Dee and me, we're ready to accept whatever you decide is fair for what happened before. It was more my fault than hers though. I'm the one who went with him first, not her. She wouldn't do anything until after I started bringing him home with me to our place in Oklahoma City. You know how competitive she gets whenever I have anything that she doesn't?" I heard Eddie's voice in the background, telling her sister to not talk about something like that until after all of us were back seeing each other in person again. "Dee Dee said we should wait until you come get us, Kenny, to talk about what happened. That's fine with me. Whatever you decide to do is okay with both of us. We already talked about it. Even Mama agrees that you have to decide what needs to happen for what we did."

"I don't think so, Dale. I think we just need to worry about all of us getting back together again. So many things happened, to all of us. Right now, I'm more interested in getting things back together again than with worrying about what made things fall apart before. I miss all of you."

All three of us talked for another hour on the phone. Dale and Eddie both told me that they were ready to come back and see for themselves if I was too different now for them. Several times I was near to crying, just from the relief I was feeling. I told them I'd fly up to Chickasaw to get them the following day, a Saturday. I warned them that it would just be me for awhile, and that they'd find me changed as well. I promised I'd try to be my real self with them, and let them see for themselves what that meant.

I had to reschedule some earlier plans to clear my weekend. One of those things had been an invitation from Gene to come to his home for another discussion about the job I'd earlier offered to him. Over the months, Gene and I had often spoken together on the phone. He never brought up the subject of my earlier job offer, and neither did I.

When I called him to say I'd be flying to Oklahoma, he sounded upset that I was rescheduling him. I was a little abrupt with him, telling him that I had something more important that I needed to take care of. I didn't get into what that more important something could be.

The flight to Oklahoma and back was pretty routine. Mrs. Pipkin had driven her daughters out to the airfield. She and I had a nice conversation while I waited for the plane to be refueled. She told me that she'd prayed for me every night for the past three years. It touched my heart that she felt that way about me. I told her to keep right on praying, because I was going to need all the help I could possibly get.

She kissed me and whispered in my ear that I needed to take it easy with her daughters. I knew what she meant. Eddie and Dale had both been all over me as soon as I had walked over to where they and their mother were standing. Even so, I could sense their uncertainty, and a little bit of actual fear. Both girls had gone ahead to board the plane as soon as we were given the go ahead. That was why I found myself standing alone with their mother.

"I love both your daughters. I'll try not to do anything to make them feel bad. I do think we're all going to get everything settled back to how it used to be."

"That's just what my girls are hoping for. They were happy before, Kenny, especially my little Dee. That other business, while you were still sick? That didn't really mean anything to either of them. It was from them being so worried about you, and so unhappy about you being gone. It was wrong though, and you better believe I told them both that. It wouldn't have ever happened if you'd been there for them."

"Well, don't worry about it. So many things have happened since I was sick, that having Eddie and Dale go off on a fling doesn't seem all that terrible to me anymore. Having a houseful of women and children all afraid of you tends to put the rest of it into perspective. I'm trying to rebuild my life right now, not just be angry about why it needs rebuilding."

I felt a lot better after she gave me a hug and told me she had faith it would eventually work out for all of us. I didn't exactly share her confidence, but I didn't tell her that. Instead, I hugged her back, and told her I'd bring the girls back for regular visits. I turned away from her and walked over to my plane. I felt better than I had when I had first landed. The girls might be nervous, even afraid, but that hadn't stopped them from hurrying to board the plane.

On the return flight to Birmingham, Eddie and Dale stayed in the back of the plane. I saw them speaking quietly to each other. When we landed, I took them over to my car and helped get their suitcases stored away in the trunk. Both girls sat up front with me as we drove to the new house. I found out that all my wives had been to the new house before I had. We were inside the house, standing in the living room, before Eddie started talking about the other man they'd cheated on me with.

"Eddie, don't. It doesn't matter. I don't want to hear any of the details. It happened, and I'm sorry. Maybe someday we can talk about parts of it, but not right away. I still love both of you, and, for a little while, I'd like to put the past behind us and just enjoy being back together."

We had a wild weekend of trying to get caught up with each other. The sex felt the same as it had to me before I got sick. Both girls had retained all the same differences in bed that I remembered. Dale did tell me that she had been able to have orgasms with that other man too.

Her theory was that I had made it easier for her to cum with a man. I was only interested in making sure she could still cum with me. She and Eddie both seemed comfortable with me in the bedroom. They asked me all sorts of questions about any changes they thought they might have noticed.

That first night, after both of them fell asleep snuggling up in my arms, I felt a sense of contentment. I refused to sleep myself, wanting to absorb the feelings I had. Thoughts kept racing through my mind, preventing me from relaxing.

This was the first night since I'd been released from the clinic that I could truly claim some progress in my domestic situation. I'd had many good nights with Brenda, but it wasn't a Brenda who was returning to me. Dale and Eddie had been estranged and were returning. More than that, they both felt comfortable with me again.

Cindy and I had gone out to eat together on several occasions since I'd come down to Birmingham. There was a definite physical attraction, but an emotional reserve that neither of us had wanted to breach at the same time. Usually, it had been Cindy that pulled back from me, but, on several occasions, when she had indicated that she was willing to come back home with me, I'd been the one who had made up excuses not to do it.

I knew that Cindy and Joyce were tied together somehow in my mind. I wanted to make love to Cindy, but, at the same time, I knew it would offend Joyce if I were to do that before she and I had reconciled.

Eddie and Dale didn't make me feel that way. I think it had to do with me feeling that Eddie and Dale were both more interested in me than they were in Joyce, and that Joyce had been the one most in love with Cindy.

I was happy to have Eddie and Dale in Birmingham with me. I realized how lonely I had been without having any of my family living there with me. I was beginning to realize that Joyce and the others weren't going to take the first steps to try to help us all get back together again. I was going to have to find a way to convince them that I was changing again.

On Monday, I called Mama from the office. I told her that Eddie and Dale were staying with me again, and that I thought I'd come up for a visit with her and my Dad on that following weekend. We spoke about Joyce and the others, I asked her about whether they would have any problems with me coming back to Ridgeline, to visit my parents.

"Kenny, it isn't like that. I hope you don't feel like all of them are lined up against you? I've spoken with all the other girls. Not a single one of them is happy with the way things presently are. This is more of a problem with you and Joyce right now. If you can find a way to solve things with her, the rest of it won't be much of a problem for you. You can't just run over Joyce, Kenny. She won't stand for it. She's being protective of all the rest of them, but, only because she isn't seeing what she feels she needs to see from you."

"What Joyce is demanding won't ever be possible, Mama. I think she must know that too. At first, she said it was my temper problems, but I've learned how to control that now. When I told her that, she just said it wasn't enough. She isn't going to be satisfied until I go back to allowing her to run everything again."

"Would that be so very bad, sweetheart? I remember everyone being happy when it was you allowing Joyce a free hand in running your household."

"Things are different now. It isn't just the household she wants to control. It's me. Maybe it was like that before too, and I just never thought about it like I do now. I don't know. What I do know is it wouldn't work for me now. I think Joyce knows it wouldn't work, so she has it set up now so she gets to be the one who decides whether I'm enough like my old self again. I'll never be enough like my old self until I start letting her run things again."

"That isn't how I see things, dear. Joyce is still the same. She wants what's best for everyone. You need to show her that the best place for her is still by your side. You need to try to work with her, not against her. You did that so well before. I'm sure you can manage to do it again."

Mama was telling me what I needed to do. While she claimed not to be taking sides in my dispute with Joyce, it was obvious that she was more comfortable with Joyce being in control than with me being the one in charge. Everyone kept making excuses for Joyce.

Joyce had changed too, in the three years I'd been gone, but no one seemed to realize that but me. As soon as I had that thought, I understood a lot better what I needed to do. All the pieces had been there, right in front of me, but I hadn't understood. What Cindy had said about Joyce's confidence deserting her, and even what my father had told me about how hard things had been on her.

I'd been treating her like the enemy, when she was really the biggest victim of my long collapse. She had built her whole life and identity around being my wife, my assistant. She drew most of her strength from me, and from my position. She needed my approval and support. Without it, she didn't have anywhere near the same capabilities on her own. We had made each other better than either of us could ever be on our own. She needed me to be the same old Kenny, so she could get back to being the same old Joyce. The thoughts I was having seemed to ring true in my head.

If what I now believed was really true, then the only reasonable choice I had was to convince Joyce that she could go back to being who she'd been by letting me be who I now was. I was changing, but it would never be enough unless my changing allowed Joyce to reclaim her place too.

"Mama, I need to go now. I'll call you later in the week, to let you know what time we'll be landing in Bolling. I need to call Joyce and ask her some questions." I got off the phone and went over to my trading setup. I was convinced that I did some of my best thinking while I was distracted with my trading. I needed that distraction and excitement to remove the emotional charge I'd otherwise get when trying to think about my personal situation. With trading occupying the forefront of my mind, I could think unemotionally.

Before the identity merger, trading had been the first task that both identities had cooperated together on. To accomplish what was necessary took skill sets from both. Perhaps it was the one cooperative venue that didn't cause conflict between the two identity states. I thought of it as thinking, but it was, at least possible, that what I was doing was communicating with myself. I told myself what I'd been thinking needed to happen with Joyce. She was the key to everything for me. I needed to find some way to rebuild her confidence to the point where she could feel comfortable being with me and being her old self at the same time. I had a strong feeling that, at least in the beginning, I'd need to really be the old Kenny with her. Once she got comfortable and more confident again, I could begin to start being like I really was.

The key to my being the old Kenny was finding some way to convince myself that I needed to switch back to my Good Kenny identity state while I was with her. I'd be asking my integrated self to willingly take a step backwards, to allow that to take place. It was going to be a trust issue. It wasn't something I'd have been willing to do if it meant me going back to being Bad Kenny again, not unless I needed to do something like that in order to save the life of one of my children, or something just as important as that.

I spent about three and a half hours trading and thinking before I stopped and walked back over to my regular desk. I still felt the same, but I knew I couldn't put off calling Joyce any longer. I picked up the phone and dialed her office number. I wasn't sure whether what I was about to tell her was real or simply some wishful thinking on my part. I knew I'd never know the answer to that question. When Joyce answered the phone, I started speaking.