Chapter 58

I settled myself into a comfortable routine at the clinic, keeping busy during the times between therapy sessions. I was becoming better at concentrating on the primary task of assisting the doctor in making me well again.

Dale and Emily seldom visited me, and whenever they did, it was always during visits that included some of the children. They made certain not to ever be alone with me. Dale seemed sad to me, but she refused to be drawn into any conversations while in my presence. Emily too remained angry and aloof.

Shirley and I had arranged to get together to try to reconcile. With Joyce and Eddie, there had been a strong sexual component present to help motivate them to risk being alone with me again. Shirley had been truly hurt and angered by the way I'd treated her and with how I'd spoken to her during my stay at the clinic.

I'd made several threatening phone calls to Shirley, early on, berating her for not standing by my side and helping me against the insistance of Joyce and my parent's that I was ill and needed to be hospitalized.

Shirley had been shaken by my illness far worse than all my other wives, and it had been Joyce who suggested that I phone her and invite her to drive over to see me for a private visit.

Joyce even phoned Dr. Fellows to explain that Shirley and I might need to go somewhere more private for our visit, due to Shirley's loud vocal outbursts while having sex with me. As a direct result of Joyce's interceding phone call, I was given my first day pass. It was good for only four hours, but it was an important step forward in my progress.

It took a lot of convincing to even get Shirley to allow me to drive her car away from the clinic. I knew what I was looking for, but I didn't know where to find it. It was mid September, and we were having an unusually warm week for the area. I wanted to go to a green area, a place where Shirley and I could get out of the car and hold a private conversation.

She was wary and cautious, and it didn't help that I was unfamiliar with the area and hadn't asked anyone for directions on where I might go. I wanted a secluded area, one where we wouldn't be constantly interrupted or disturbed. I hadn't given any thought to the possibility of Shirley not trusting me enough to be comfortable with doing that. I knew, from speaking on the telephone with her, that Eddie and Joyce had both told her that I was much improved in the way I had treated them.

"Shirley, I can see how tense and nervous you are. I promise I'm not going to do anything to hurt you today. We'll take it slow and just try to talk to each other. I know you have good reasons to be wary of me right now, and I can't even begin to tell you how sad I am about that. I know you've talked to Dr. Fellows, and that she's explained about what has been happening to me. I'm getting better, and stronger. As long as I'm like I am right now, I'd never say or do anything to hurt you."

Shirley looked at my face. I could tell she wanted to believe me. If she didn't want that, she'd never have traveled so far, or put herself in a position like the one she was in with me right then. She didn't respond directly to what I had told her, but she did begin telling me about Derek and our other children. We talked for over an hour about all the changes I'd missed in their lives.

I'd seen and spoken with Derek on several visits he'd made with some of the other family members. He was the oldest child, and he seemed to sense that I no longer posed a threat of any kind, to him, or to the others. On his last visit, he had come over and kissed me before they all left. I'd felt him tense up when I had hugged him to me, but it was only a very short time before he relaxed in my arms. After I released him, Little Bertie and Bunny came over and let me hug them as well.

"Kenny, I'm not sure I can ever fully trust you again. You said terrible things to me, and you threatened to hurt all of us, even the children. The doctor told us this was a side of you, that it would always be a part of who you are. She said it will be some time before we find out how you're going to be when you're well again. You might be more like this other person that we've had to deal with for the past couple of years. If it turns out like that, I don't think I could take it."

"I can't promise you what I'll be like, Shirley. I don't know. I want to believe I'll be like I was before, only not so much at war with myself. I'm finding out things all the time now, about how I was before, and that both my identity states were nearly always active to some degree. I didn't know that. I thought it was only me that was doing things and controlling what was happening. Dr. Fellows told me that things weren't ever that bad before, not until after the identity I always thought of as me stopped wanting to be awake. That's what let my other identity take over completely."

"I don't know about any of that. All I know is what you said to me. I know you were sick, and that you weren't yourself when you made all those phone calls and told me all those things you did. I'm afraid about how you're going to change with the therapy."

When we talked about the children, we were able to communicate well together. When the topic switched back over to me, and to what might happen with both my identities fully integrated, I saw the fear and uncertainty in Shirley's face. I began feeling afraid as well. Up until then, I'd just assumed that I was going to get well again, and that I'd be pretty much like I had been before. That's what I'd been hoping for. Shirley was the first person who had questioned whether this would be the case or not.

The worst part for me was not being able to reassure Shirley that all her fears were baseless. I just didn't know. What I did know was that I was having to fight back against the anger I was feeling for Shirley. It had risen up while we were talking, but I didn't really recognize it for what it was until after it began to affect the tone of voice I was taking with her.

Shirley recognized the anger before I did. I saw the fear in her eyes at how I was then talking to her. It alerted me, made me focus on what I was saying, and how I was saying it. I stopped talking immediately, and concentrated on putting the negative thoughts and anger away. I must have closed my eyes while I attempted to refocus my thoughts. I don't remember closing them, but I do remember regaining control and willing myself to relax again. When I opened my eyes again, I had managed to release the negative thoughts and feelings. I smiled at Shirley.

"I'm sorry for that. Sometimes, part of me gets upset, but the other part isn't upset at all. I understand why you'd feel afraid. To me, it seems only natural. To my other Kenny, he isn't used to caring much about how people deal with his outbursts. We both realize we need to change things about ourselves so that we can meld together and start being healthy and well again. It's a process. With me here too now, there isn't any reason for you to be afraid. I'd never allow you to be hurt, Shirley, never."

She continued staring at me, not speaking at all, and I could see how upset my anger had made her. I didn't want anything more to go wrong, and I could see that our time together posed more of a danger of that than any possible benefit we might derive otherwise.

"Maybe we should go back to the clinic, Shirley. I've made you upset, and that isn't what I wanted to happen at all."

"No! I don't want us to go back, not yet. I think I understand it better now. I was watching you while you tried to gain control again. Did you know your face changes when you lose control, Kenny? You get a meaner look, and your eyes get harder. Even your voice changes. It really is like talking to two different people. Eddie and Joyce both told me about it, but I didn't believe it. I think I can tell now when you're like the old Kenny. Part of my problem was with not knowing if I could tell or not. Try to stay just like you are now, okay?"

I heard the pleading tone in her voice. Like me, she really wanted our visit to be a success. The problem with what she was asking for was that I couldn't give her any assurance that I would stay like I was then. I didn't control it, and my therapy was far enough advanced then that I recognized how little control I truly had. Either identity state could manifest itself at any time, or both. I wasn't able to recognize when control shifted, and I became more of a passive observer and less of a controlling influence on my words, thoughts, and actions. This was becoming troubling. It hadn't mattered too much when it was just me, in a controlled clinical setting. Alone, with a loved one, the danger became much more apparent to me.

"I think we should go back to the clinic, Shirley. Maybe later, when I've had more experience with this identity integration process, we can be out on our own like this. Right now, I realize its still too early for me to be out like this."

We were both quiet on the drive back to the clinic. I was relieved when we drove through the gate again. That episode of anger had shaken me far more than I'd let on to Shirley. I really saw for the first time that I wasn't fully able to protect people from myself. It had shaken me to my core.

As soon as we returned to the clinic I took Shirley to my room and told her I needed to see Dr. Fellows for a therapy session. I asked her to wait for me, promising not to be gone longer than an hour. I went to find the doctor to request a hypnotic session.

During the session I tried to explain to the doctor what had occurred, from both my perspectives. It became a somewhat heated session because each identity insisted that it had the right to express itself in a way that was true to the underlying beliefs it held.

<GK> This isn't going to work if I have to watch you every single second when we're around my family.

<BK> You heard what she was whining about. I don't understand why you want to take that from any of them. If it were left up to me, I'd keep Brenda, and maybe, Emily. The rest of them aren't worth our effort.

<GK> This is exactly what I mean. I love all of them. This is my family. You don't care about anyone except yourself. I hoped things would change once we became more integrated, but it was pretty obvious today that you aren't going to change.

"Doctor Fellows, what happens if I stop this integration process? If I refuse to continue trying to integrate my identity states?"

"You can attempt to reach agreement over sharing control, you can cede control to your other identity, as you did before, or you can choose to fight for control. Of those three choices, the only one that would result in you being allowed to return to normal society is the first. You did share control for many years, but, at a cost to you. There is no reason for us to believe that any agreement would survive the stresses of normal living. Sooner or later, you'd be back in another clinic similar to this one. To even get to the point where I'd recommend you for release, you'd need to make tremendous progress. There is only one cure. Anything less than full identity integration would be merely a patch up."

<GK> If I have to, I'll stay in this clinic forever. I won't expose my family to any more of your disgusting behavior. You refuse to admit that you need to change. I won't tolerate you being a part of me the way you are now.

<BK> We'll see. You're weak. I know now how to make you give up. I was willing to do this because it helped me to be able to get what I wanted by using you. I don't like being stuck in here like this. Having you made many things easier for me, but I can certainly get what I want without you. Go back to sleep, and I'll figure out a way to get released from here.

"Doctor, would you please send an orderly to tell my wife that she should leave? Let her know that I said I want no further visits from anyone until this thing is settled."

Dr. Fellows pressed a buzzer and one of the female orderlies came through the door. The doctor repeated my instructions to her and she left to carry them out.

<BK> That isn't going to change anything. Do you think I'll start getting lonely now?

<GK> Probably not. At least I'll know my family is being protected from you.

"Doctor, I'd like to end this session now, and I'd also like to hold off on any future therapy until after we get some things settled between my two states. If either of us wish to communicate again we'll inform you of that fact."

"You're assuming a large risk, Kenny. I take it that you are planning on trying to outwait your other self?"

"I'm planning nothing. I find the idea of sharing a body with this other identity too distressing to continue with your planned integration. I know I'll have to change, but I'm not willing to change if it means I'll be more like him than I am like myself. Right now, he feels dominant, and I can't accept that."

"The integration will modify both identities. You will be you, the same individual you would have become had both states been one in the first place. What you are telling me is that you don't like an integral part of yourself. Once you are integrated, you can make a choice to undergo therapy to change the way you interact with others. A behavioral adjustment isn't as critical as regaining your good mental health. I really must insist that you hold off on taking this step."

Four more months had passed since that September session. Four months without visitors or any task oriented cooperation from my shared identities. We could only communicate under hypnosis, and Dr. Fellows was honoring my request. She did make it a point to have me brought to the office two or three times each day to inquire about whether I thought more therapy would be helpful. Each time I told her that I didn't want to continue with the therapy.

On February 1, 1996, Dr. Fellows summoned me to her office to take a phone call from Joyce. From the sympathetic look she gave me when she handed over the receiver, I knew whatever news I was going to get would be bad.

"Kenny, Shirley left last night. She took the children with her. Emily says she's leaving now too. Dr. Fellows keeps telling us that you're refusing treatment. Why won't you at least let us come visit you? We're all sick with worry about you. You were doing so well, and then you just quit trying. If Emily leaves, I think Brenda will too."

"Joyce, I'm sorry about what's happening. There isn't anything I can do though. Maybe it's for the best if they all leave. It doesn't look like anything is going to change here. I can't accept the risk of having my other identity become the dominant one if we integrate together. I don't know what I'd be like when it was finished."

"You can't just give up and stay sick for the rest of your life, Kenny. Let the doctor help you like you planned. If it ends up that you're too changed, we can make other decisions then."

"It will be too late for me then, Joyce. Whoever I am when this integration thing is complete will be who I'm stuck with forever. I don't want to be like him. I won't be like him. I know him now, and he scares me. I hate that he's a part of me, but I won't let him ever become all of me."

We were both crying by the time the phone call was over. The doctor looked like she was feeling pretty sad as well. I went back to my room.

Three days later, I woke up in a hypnotized state again. At first I was angry that Dr. Fellows had overridden my stated wishes.

"Kenny, you requested this session." When she told me that, I felt a tiny thrill run through me. This could only mean that my other identity state had called for a meeting with me. I had outlasted him.

<GK> What do you want?

<BK> We should go back to trading. It will give us both something to do, and it will help pay for all this time we're wasting here.

<GK> I'm not interested in doing anything with you.

<BK> Neither of us will even be aware of the other. We need each other to do this well though. Give it a try, and, if you don't enjoy it, we can stop again.

"Doctor, would it be possible for you to have sessions just with Bad Kenny? Sessions to try to change the way he acts?"

"There is no Bad Kenny, and no Good Kenny either. I could work to try to modify both your identity states, but I wouldn't work with one without the other being present for it."

"I don't want to change. I'm happy with the way I am. He needs to change if we're ever going to go back to trying to integrate ourselves."

<BK> Do you think I'm happy with the way you are? You're like a little girl. At least I'm a man. You're losing everything now. If you were more of a man, you'd know you need to do something about it. Just sitting around feeling sorry for yourself isn't going to solve anything.

<GK> I don't need to solve anything to win. I'm perfectly content to sit here in this clinic for the rest of my life. I'd prefer that over having the possibility of ending up like you. If you want me to cooperate by returning to the trading, you have to agree to having the doctor help you to see things more like a normal person would. You have to learn how to control that anger and respond nicer to people.

<BK> It's only a matter of time you know? I can feel you getting weaker again. You really should try to get along with me better. If you do what I want, I'll keep you around and let you have some of what you want too.

"Doctor, I've had all of him I can take for this session. No more sessions until he agrees to behavior modification therapy. I won't even consider doing anything more with him until he shows me he's ready to make some changes."

Another three weeks went by without any changes in either of our positions. I got a long letter from Joyce during this period. In the letter, she sent me Shirley's new address, as well as the information that Emily and Brenda had taken the kids and moved back to our home in Lawrence. Joyce was living in Ridgeline with Eddie and Dale and our five children. In her letter, she told me that Mama had started having more of her depressions again. She said they weren't as bad as before, but she was having them frequently. She didn't come right out and say it, but I knew she felt my problems were what had brought these depressions back. She closed the letter by begging me to allow her and the rest of the family to come for visits.

At the end of three weeks, Dr. Fellows called me back into her office again.

"Today we are going to return to our therapy sessions. For now, we've agreed to attempt to deal with trying to align the two identity states more closely together before we resume our merger attempt. I have very little hope for success with this endeavor. My best professional advice has already been dismissed by you. I see no harm that might come from proceeding as you have directed. I have my own request of you before we proceed though."

"Request? What sort of request?" I was immediately on my guard. As the clinic's director, Dr. Fellows didn't need my permission for anything.

"Both identity states will participate fully in the process, and you will begin acting cooperatively outside of these sessions. The trading is one instance of the cooperation I'm requesting. In return for you agreeing to the resumption of the trading, your other identity state will agree to cede control to you during any future family visits where sexual contact isn't going to be a part of the visit."

"What about when it is a part of a visit?"

"Shared presence and control, with a promise of no violence or angry outbursts."

"When was all of this discussed? I have no memory of any meeting where we discussed any of this."

"You weren't a participant, or even a party to the discussions. I've done as you directed. The contact was initiated by you, but solely by the identity you refer to as Strong Kenny."

"Given your understanding of both my identity states, are you recommending to me that I enter into this agreement?"

"Cooperation is always to be preferred over conflict in these cases. If you are seeking common ground, you need to cooperate in order to find it. In my opinion, anything that brings you closer to the point of accepting the need for full integration is a step in the right direction. Both identity states need to find a way to be more accepting of the other. We're talking about the whole you, Kenny. As troubling as it might be to you, there is no real separation possible if you are ever to lead a productive life again. At this point, it should be overwhelmingly apparent to both identity states that neither can function separately for long."

"I do know that. The real choice isn't whether to operate separately or not. The real choice is whether to operate at all. Unless things change, my current choice would be not to continue operating. I'd choose not to live rather than accept living with Bad Kenny in control of things."