Chapter 1

Jack Bell sat quietly, soaking up the early morning sun. His rented villa sat in the hills of a small town in southern California, overlooking the Pacific. He took another sip of his coffee and let his mind wander a bit.

It had been well over a year since his divorce had become final. Karen had not contested it and the legalities went smoothly. She had made repeated attempts to speak with him which he avoided. He really had no desire to hear any apologies, any 'I was wrong and I'm sorry, ' explanations. Her desire to fuck her old boyfriend and to do so with his 'approval' outraged him then and still aggravated him whenever he recalled that conversation. He also recognized that his intense anger had abated, and all he felt now was sadness and emptiness.

"I thought we had a strong marriage," Jack mused, "I guess I was mistaken." He still couldn't get his mind around the 'why' of it. He knew that Karen was not a stupid woman, she knew that he would never allow her adultery. "I guess I didn't know her as well as I thought."

"Shit," he said to himself. "I had no choice but to rid myself of her. She destroyed any respect I had for her and I sure as hell wouldn't trust her any further than I could throw her. I have to learn to build a new life for myself, and that's exactly what I'm doing and as far away from her as I can get."

Yet despite his reasoning to divorce, he had to admit that he felt an overwhelming sadness, an emptiness and a worry that he may have acted precipitously.

"Was my reaction too extreme?" he wondered. "Did I act too hastily? Do I actually still love her? Ahh, now that is the question." He knew that he did not have the answers to those questions.

The weeks that followed their separation were hell on earth for him. He found that he couldn't concentrate on business and problems at work were falling through the cracks due to his inattention. He also discovered that he really couldn't get up any enthusiasm for the business and he actually began to hate getting up and going into the office.

Fate then stepped in. An out of town conglomerate made a tentative offer to buy him out, lock, stock and barrel. This financial institution didn't have a presence in this region and it seemed that they were desperate to establish one. This wasn't the first time offers had been made for his firm, but he had refused them earlier. This time he hesitated and allowed his attorney to enter preliminary negotiations. It wouldn't hurt to hear what they had in mind.

What they 'had in mind' staggered him. When all was said and done, he would realize a shit pot of money - much more than he imagined. He could retire a very wealthy man if he wished and would never have to worry about where his next Rolex was going to come from.

He knew that he had to be careful, that entertaining a buyout wasn't just a reaction to his personal problems. He had his attorney stall, squeeze them a little harder, just to give him the time he wanted to fully examine his motives. He finally came to the conclusion that he would go along with the deal. Getting out of the rat race at age 50 would not be so terrible - and getting out rich was not going to be hard to take. He realized that he really had lost enthusiasm for the career and business he had built - it was time for newer pastures. Jack's mind continued to flicker over some of the events that took place before he finally moved to the west coast. He thought of Mike Gould and the last lunch and conversation that he shared with him...

"Well, Mike," Jack said as they sat awaiting their meals. "Have you made up your mind about June? Did you actually go ahead with the divorce or have you found a way to deal with her affair?"

Mike smiled wryly at him. "Is this why you invited me to lunch, Jack? You trying to be a marriage counselor? Nah, don't get excited, I'm only kidding you. To answer your question, I did file for divorce and now it's just a matter of time. Tell you the truth, Jack - one day just blends into another. I have this emptiness in me that I have to deal with a day at a time. I guess it'll get better. I miss June terribly, but not enough, I guess, to forget and forgive. I suspect that that makes me into some kind of idiot - but that's the way I feel now. What she did just hurts too much."

Jack toyed with his beer. His primary motive in seeking Mike out was ulterior and he felt a bit bad - he didn't want to saddle Mike with his problems right now, but perhaps they could at least commiserate with each other.

"Jack, what's going on? You look like hell, are you ailing?"

Jack made up his mind and gave his friend a condensed version of "the conversation" that Karen and he had had. It was difficult for him to get it all out and he found himself tearing as he finished.

Mike sat there, his mouth agape, as Jack finished. "Son-of-a-bitch," he muttered. "I just can't believe this, not Karen. Shit, I can't tell you how sorry I am, Jack. It seems that the entire fucking world is falling apart. I never would have guessed that something like this would happen to the two of you... "Jack, let me ask you the same question that you had asked me - can you find a way to get over this? Is there a way back for the two of you?"

Jack shook his head. "Don't think so, Mike. Maybe, just maybe, I could forgive a momentary lapse of judgement, a one-time meeting. Shit happens, a little drunk, a little something, who knows. But sitting there and telling me, after she had already screwed him, that she was going to continue screwing him was just too much for me. That was taking her betrayal and rubbing it in my face. I don't think that I can get over that. She doesn't know what kind of man I am, Mike. After 25 years, she still doesn't knew who I am!"

Mike just grasped his shoulder. "This is still very raw, Jack. Who the hell knows how you'll feel in a year or so." Mike chuckled a bit, "That's what I keep telling myself anyway."

Jack found that his coffee was now cold and he put the cup down on the ground next to his chaise. He hoped that Mike was doing ok, he had a lot of respect for him. A sudden chill came over him as he recalled another event before his move to the west coast. Kate, Karen's sister, had finally worn him down and got him to agree to a last meeting with Karen. Kate had impressed upon him the need that Karen had to speak with him and so he finally agreed, but with trepidation. He really didn't want to see her, but felt that since it would be the last time they would ever see each other, he gave in to Kate.

Jack walked through Kate's front door and found Karen seated in the living room. She looked pale and drawn and it looked like she had lost weight. He felt sympathy for her, but quickly suppressed it. Karen looked up at him with eyes filled with sadness.

"Hello Jack, thank you for agreeing to see me. I really do appreciate that," she said softly.

"Ok, Karen," Jack replied. "I'm here as requested although I have to tell you that I was reluctant to agree to this meeting. There really is no need for it. Everything that had to be said has been said, so I guess you have the floor."

Jack's tone was totally neutral with virtually no emotion in his voice. Karen recognized that and swallowed with difficulty. She had her speech memorized, but suddenly realized that the words she was going to deliver were totally inadequate. She knew that Jack would impatiently listen and then leave. She decided to just tell him what she wanted to tell him and let the encounter end.

"Jack," she began is a soft voice. "I had a very nice speech in which I had an explanation and an apology ready to deliver. I now realize that a speech is not what I want to give. This won't take long as I know that you're anxious to go. I just want to tell you that you are absolutely right to hate me for what I have done and what I had intended to do. I have no excuse to offer and I guess I really don't deserve your forgiveness. I just want you to know that I do love you and I will always love you."

Jack shook his head. "Karen, I don't hate you, but I do hate what you've done and what you had planned. I also don't really believe that you do love me. If you did, you would never have started on this path. If you loved me, you would never have been unfaithful, you would never have had a man outside your marriage, you would never have humiliated and betrayed me."

Jack continued, despite Karen's tears. "I feel empty, Karen. I feel an emptiness in my chest where once there was a heart. Sounds really corny, doesn't it - like something out of cheap, romance novels."

Karen sat with her head bowed, sobbing. Jack felt his heart go out to her, but knew that he didn't have the forgiveness necessary to calm her.

"Karen, I'm sorry." Jack said. "It wasn't my intention to beat up on you. I'm sure that you're suffering as am I. I do have fond memories of our life together these past decades. I guess that I'll cherish them, but right now I need a total change. I think that Kate did tell you that I'm moving out of state.

Karen looked up, startled. "No, she didn't. Why are you moving? Where are you going?" Karen appeared almost panicky. Would she never see him again?

"I just told you, Karen. I need a total change in my life. You know that I sold the business. No, no, don't assume any guilt about that, it was time. I came to the realization that the opportunity was too good to pass so I made up my mind and took the offer. Anyway, you remember Hank? I called him and asked him to keep an eye out for a place on the ocean. He found something which sounds nice and I leased the place for a year. It will give me the opportunity to relax and get my head straight.

"Karen, please listen to me. I really don't hate you. What I feel mostly now is just sadness and loss - and, I guess, a sense of disappointment. Remember what we used to say? 'grow old with me, the best is yet to be ' We could have had wonderful golden years together. I'm just sorry... " Jack couldn't continue. He sat there with his head down.

Karen had her hands over her mouth in horror. As much as she ached and hurt, she never guessed the depths of Jack's despair. She now saw, in stark reality, the pain she had caused and realized that, in all probability, Jack would never actually forgive her. Her life as Mrs. Jack Bell was truly over.

Jack shook himself and stood. "Is there anything else, Karen? This really is painful for both of us. Is there any point in going on with this conversation?"

Karen stood with him. "Thank you for coming and speaking with me, Jack. I really do appreciate that. Just one more thing and I'll let you go. Could you please find it in your heart to hold me for just one second before you leave? No Jack, no tricks, just one hug. Please?" Jack, with tears in his eyes also, took Karen and held her gently in his arms. He felt his heart drawn to her... and then he slowly released her and walked quickly out of the door.

Jack's gaze was drawn to the ocean. This was truly an amazing place and he was grateful to Hank for finding it, he thought to himself. He thought about Hank. "Good old Hank. How long have we known each other? " Jack had spent almost a year in the army after high school before he was discharged because of a back problem. Funny, that condition had never given him any problems and his doctor told him not to worry about it - it was relatively common.

He had met Hank Simmons while in the service and they had become fast friends and had made the attempt to stay in touch despite the fact that they lived about 3,000 miles apart. Hank was a San Diego native and couldn't wait to get back there after his stint in the service. He had also gone on to university and had gotten a degree in criminology and then on to law school.

Jack and Karen made trips to visit Hank and his wife Peggy and Jack was grateful that the girls got along famously. Hank and his wife also made it a point to visit them on the east coast when possible. So it was no surprise that Hank was totally shocked when Jack told him that he and Karen were divorcing. Jack did not go into detail, but did ask Hank to look for a place in the San Diego area, perhaps just south of San Diego. Hank had come up with this beautiful villa whose owner had been recently transferred overseas and was looking to lease it while he was gone. It was also a short drive to Hank and Peggy's place. Jack looked at the pictures that Hank had emailed and immediately started the lease process. He moved and never looked back.

The phone brought Jack's mind back to the present. He arose, strode to the cordless and answered it.

"Jack, it's Hank. How have you been? We haven't heard from you for a few days."

Jack laughed and replied. "Hank, you guys are like mother hens. I've been fine, just lazing and enjoying this fantastic weather. Now I'm beginning to understand your love for the area."

"Great, Jack. I'm really glad that you're doing ok. I thought that maybe you would start getting a little homesick for that great weather in Philly," Hank laughed.

"Nope, you can have the winters, I'll take this, no question. How's Peg, by the way?"

"That's why I'm calling, Jack. We're having someone over for dinner tomorrow and Peggy and I want you to join us. C'mon Jack, it'll do you good to get out," Hank pleaded.

"Damn, Hank. Am I reading you right? Are you guys trying to hook me up? Like I really need that now? Give me a break, buddy. I really don't want to get involved with any woman at the present," Jack was emphatic.

"No, no, Jack. Nothing like that. Mariah just seems like a really nice gal. Peggy got friendly with her, shopping at her place. She owns one of those posh ladies' clothing shops. She's also planning to open another one on the east cost and is thinking of Philly - you can talk to her about that. Let me tell you, pal; she is gorgeous, smart and also wants no man in her life. It would be perfect for both of you. She doesn't want any real relationship and neither do you. It would just be a nice, friendly dinner with some really good conversation. Jack, please, do this for me. Peggy will have my balls if I don't convince you to come."

Jack couldn't help but laugh at his friends dilemma. Ah, what the hell. It wasn't like he had that much on his plate now anyway. "Ok, Hank, ok," he sighed. "I'll be there, but I'll have your nuts if Peg is trying to play the matchmaker."

Kate glared at her sister across the living room.

"Goddamnit, Karen. Enough is enough. It's been over a year and a half since Jack moved out and you haven't had one single date. You're a single woman, not a nun. Get a life."

Karen smiled wryly, "Kate, I do have a life. I have good friends from work and we see each other socially. I have you, thank goodness, and you know how important your support has been for me, and now I have been volunteering at the local hospice and I like to feel that what I'm doing there is making at least a small difference. No, it's not penance, it's just something that I wanted to do. It's not that I've become a hermit."

"You know what I'm talking about, Karen. You have been avoiding men like the plague. You're still a relatively young vibrant woman. Open yourself up, allow some man in your life," pleaded Kate.

Karen hesitated, looked at Kate before replying. "Kate, I have to explain why that's not going to happen. Let me start with you forcing me to see Dr. Steen. I really have to thank you for that. He has helped me tremendously and I also appreciate that fact that you have never asked me one question about how my sessions were going. Over the past few months I have come to learn quite a bit about myself and while the emerging picture isn't one of which I'm proud, at least I'm gaining an understanding about what kind of person I had become."

Kate put up her hand. "Wait sis, you know that it's not a good idea for me to become involved with your therapy," she protested.

Karen shook her head. "It's alright, it's alright. Dr. Steen and I have talked about this and he sees no reason why I can't share some insights that we've achieved with you; you as my sister, not as a psychologist. This is important, Kate. Please, just hear me out."

Karen continued. "Dr. Steen is a remarkable man. I really didn't know what to expect - an old professor type with a beard and glasses on his nose?" Karen laughed.

"You know, Kate. He never told me anything, he never explained anything to me. We have spent the past few months just chatting, like old friends and those chats have opened my eyes as to what had been happening to me. I had begun to realize that he was actually my guide, leading me to certain truths that I needed to discover.

"You see, when I first met Jack and fell in love with him, I felt that I had really hit the jackpot. I loved a man who was kind, compassionate, highly intelligent, really sexy and, most importantly, loved me unconditionally. I spent my early years with him trying my best to be the 'perfect wife.' Then, as the years went by, I became complacent. I began to feel that I deserved my husband's adulation, his total love and his total commitment to me. I had begun to take Jack for granted, and more to the point, I began to take his love for me for granted. I was the 'perfect wife', I should be adored. This was my mind set, even though I didn't consciously realize it."

Karen saw Kate nodding slightly, and then continued.

"I became self-centered. My decisions about what I would cook for dinner was based on what I wanted. Little things, like renting a movie was based on what I wanted to see. When I went shopping for a dress, I bought what I thought looked best on me, not what Jack might have wanted to see me in. Do you understand what I'm saying, Kate? I became a 'me' person, instead of a 'we' person, and like the fool that I had become, I never even realized what I had turned into.

"You're going to appreciate this next part, sis. It was when I turned 40 that I really flipped. I know, I know, I filled your ears with my whining about getting old and ugly. The funny part about that was how turning 40 really rocked me. I guess I became aware of my mortality, but even more important to me, I became aware of the fact that I was no longer a young and pretty woman. I felt that I had become unattractive and was no longer an object of desire to my husband or anyone else. Also, it was right around that time that Jack's business had really begun to grow and expand and he was spending quite a bit of time tending to it. He was tired at night and our sex life really tapered off. That's not meant as an excuse, it was just another factor which reinforced what I was feeling about myself."

Kate look at her sister fondly, she followed Karen narrative and saw where she was going. She felt sure that she knew what Karen's final remarks were going to be.

Karen returned her gaze, smiling softly. "You know, don't you? I guess it really is rather apparent. Anyway, this was my state of mind when I first saw Jim Belsen at work. Suddenly, I was 18 again and I wanted to be young and I wanted to be attractive and I wanted someone to find me an object of desire. I was sure of my husband's devotion. He idolized me and he would do whatever it took to make me happy. I was the 'perfect wife, ' wasn't I? I'm sure that you understand where I'm going, Kate