Chapter 21

STEVE - September, 1961

When she answered, I said, "Sandy, dear love! I'm back!"

Sandy said, in a tired, flat voice, "Steve. That's nice."

I was astounded! Was this my Sandy? I thought surely, she would have said something about missing me, or something loving. I asked her, "Sandy, dearest, what's wrong?"

"I've had a horrible day, and I'm tired beyond belief. Steve, I'm really glad you're back. Can I call you this weekend?"

Hurt, I said, "Sandy, of course. I do love you so. When can I see you?"

She said, still without any warmth or feeling in her voice, "I don't know. This damn test is taking all my time right now; maybe when it's done."

"OK, get some sleep now, and I'll wait to hear from you this weekend. Good night, dear one!"

She just said, "Good night." Then she hung up.

I was crushed! I had so been looking forward to hearing the Sandy I remembered and loved; warm, happy, caring. Tonight she was just impersonal, abrupt, and almost indifferent. She sounded like a totally different person!

I hadn't had anything to eat for almost eight hours, but all of a sudden I found I really didn't have any appetite. I forced myself to heat and consume a cup of soup, and went to bed, but it was a long time before I fell into a troubled sleep.

The next morning was Friday, and I was up and on my way to the agency at the usual time. I went and saw Murray, and got the paperwork squared away for the bills he had paid for me while I was gone, as well as submitting an expense account for my travel from Idlewild home; I had no other expenses for the trip. I then went back to my office and spent the rest of the day refreshing my memory about Reaper, its programming, and the programs I had written. This was hard for me, because my thoughts kept coming back to Sandy, how close we had been in June when I was running my test program, and how distant she had become while I was gone.

When I left work, I went home, and decided to go out for groceries before the weekend. I certainly didn't want to miss Sandy's call, and I had no idea when she might call. My car wouldn't start at first, but finally the engine caught, and after warming up for a few minutes, it was running well. The tires were low, so my first stop was the nearest service station, where I inflated all the tires and also filled up with gas. From there, I went to a big supermarket, and loaded up with groceries and miscellaneous cleaning supplies, since my apartment had a thick layer of dust everywhere.

I drove home, and carried my purchases upstairs, putting everything away. I decided that if I were going to stay home until Sandy called, that I'd start cleaning tomorrow, but did give the kitchen counters and my table a quick wash before I made myself a hamburger and a small salad.

I had another night without much sleep, tossing and turning all the while. Even though it was a beautiful day outside, I spent a dreary weekend, doing a thorough job of cleaning since I had nothing better to do. When Sandy hadn't called by Sunday evening, I finally broke down and placed a call to her.

Sheila answered, and I asked her, "Is Sandy OK? She sounded so different when I called the other day, and barely said anything to me!"

She said, "I'm really worried about her. It's just that she is working so hard that she's approaching a state of complete collapse. Nothing I say has any effect."

"I wondered if that was the problem. It was just such a blow when the warm, happy, caring Sandy I love seemed to have changed into someone so very cold and indifferent."

"Steve, don't give up yet, please!"

"Don't worry, I won't. Is she there tonight?"

"Yes, I'll get her."

In a minute, I was talking to Sandy, but it was like the first time I had talked with her. I asked her how the test was going, and she said, "There are a few good days, and we are making progress, but it's overwhelming! So many design problems!"

"Sandy, my love, please don't let it do this to you! You need to let go and back off!"

She wailed, "I just can't!" and hung up.

Now I was as worried as Sheila, but didn't have any ideas about how to help her. Things continued about the same for the next two weeks. I called several times each week, usually getting Sheila. She said that she would be sure that Sandy called me back, but she rarely did. When I did talk to Sandy, the conversations were as short and unrewarding as before.

I did get back into the swing of the Reaper programming, and, after working on the classified Reaper applications for a week, went back and added additional functions to the acceptance test. I also got out for a long hike on the next Saturday, and would have gone on several more except for a spell of muggy, rainy weather.

SANDY - Thursday, September 21, 1961

Thursday evening I was still at work after 9PM. It seemed that in the past week, for every fix that went on the machine, we found three more bugs. Finally, I couldn't take it any more! I realized that I'd been staring at the same paper for twenty minutes without having the foggiest idea of what I was doing. I'd been in since six in the morning, had been in a foul temper all day, and was getting a headache. I threw the papers down on the desk and drove home in a daze, narrowly missing an accident because I was so tired and preoccupied.

When I got in the house, Mom took one look at me, and said, "Sandy, enough! You look like hell! You haven't been eating well — have you had anything to eat since lunch today?"

I admitted that I'd only had a snack from the vending machine, and she went on, "I've been very worried about you, and it's past time for me to take charge! For now, you sit down at the table, and I'm going to fix some soup for you. When you finish it, you are going to bed in my room so you don't have to go up and down the stairs. I'm going to take your car keys, and you are absolutely not to set an alarm. I'll be at work tomorrow, and you are not to call anyone besides me except to let them know at IBM that you are sick and won't be in until sometime next week. I know I'm being a tyrant, but this is for your own good. OK, dear?"

I was so tired I couldn't argue! I just nodded in agreement.

Friday I slept all day, waking up around four, when Mom came home. She asked me if I had had anything to eat since last night. I said, "No, and I think I could eat a horse!"

"How do you feel?"

"Well, the sleep did me a lot of good, but I'm still on edge and all wrought up."

"You remember I told you about Liz Mason, the nurse who works with me and is going

steady with an IBM engineer named Chad Wilkinson?"

I said, "Yes, and I know Chad."

"Liz told me that she and Chad were going on a hike tomorrow, and I asked if they could give you a ride if you were up to it. She said it's an easy hike. I think it would do you a world of good to get outside and take your mind off your work for a day. It's supposed to be really nice weather."

"Maybe. It would be nice to get out and get some fresh air. It feels like I've been cooped up with that wretched machine forever! Let's see how I feel in the morning."

"That makes sense. She said to call her by nine if they needed to come by to pick you up. Now, I don't seem to have a horse in the refrigerator, but how does a meatloaf sound? Why don't you take a shower and freshen up while I'm getting it in the oven."

I did that, and felt better. I put on some clean clothes and returned to the kitchen, where Mom's meatloaf was almost ready. She had made a salad, and she served our portions. I ate two large servings, and felt even better. She cleaned up, and then sat down with me, saying, "You haven't said much about Steve in a long time. He's called several times since he got back from wherever he was, but I don't get the impression that you've called him back. What's the matter?"

When she mentioned Steve, I felt a wrench in my insides. I said, dully, "Mom, it's this damn job! I can't even find time to think about anything else!"

"Don't worry now. You need to get some more sleep, my dear!"

She made me realize how tired I still was, and I went back to bed. I didn't fall asleep for a while, and had a troubled night. Still, when I woke up in the morning, having slept for almost 24 hours since Thursday, I felt enough better to tell her, "What the hell! Why don't you call Liz. Maybe the hike will do me good."

I pulled on some jeans, a shirt, and boots, and was ready when Chad and Liz drove up. I got in the back seat of Chad's car, and we drove off. I must have fallen asleep again, because the next thing I knew, the car was stopped at the foot of a trail. While we waited for the others, I chatted with Liz. She was tall, with long, straight, dark blond hair, and a very sensible down to earth person. It was easy to see why Mom liked her. Finally the group was assembled and we started off. I didn't recognize where we were at first, but soon realized that it was the loop trail where Steve and I had hiked several times before. Thinking about Steve threw me into a melancholy black mood, and I plodded on mechanically next to Chad and Liz. We came to the spot where we had taken each other's pictures on that cold day, and suddenly, it all became too much for me. I sat down on a log, stared into space for a few minutes, and then started weeping and sobbing. Liz must have sent Chad on to join the others, because she sat down next to me, saying, "Sandy, can you talk about it?" I couldn't say anything coherent for a few minutes, as I began to realize how badly I must have been hurting Steve. Eventually, I said between sobs, "I've been such a fool! Such a stupid self-centered fool! I'm afraid I've lost the man I love, the person who means so much to me!" Liz comforted me as best she could, but I was still hurting more than I could bear. Finally, she said, "Wait right here, and don't move, don't go anywhere. I'll be back very soon." She took off at a trot after the others, and soon was back. She said, "OK, I have Chad's keys. He's going to get a ride back with one of the other guys, but right now I'm taking you back home where Sheila can take care of you. OK?"

I started sobbing again, saying, "Oh, I've been such a stupid fool! Steve and I had something so wonderful, and I'm sure I've hurt him to the point where he doesn't want to ever see me again! I can't bear to lose him!"