Chapter 11

I packed my stuff and headed for the airport. One of the benefits of living in a small town is you can get through airport security in a reasonable period of time. Then, when you change in Atlanta, you make up for the quickness, but it's more pleasant behind the security screen than out front.

When we flew out of Atlanta, I booted up my laptop and read about a hundred emails that described the anger in the fire ant hill I was about to enter. The company was moving to a performance-based system and the managers were all livid and apparently felt that their collective resistance would carry the day.

The CEO met me at Midway and took us in his limo to the restaurant. About eight people were sitting around the dining table waiting on us. He had phoned when I arrived and they knew we were coming. I didn't like these angry meetings, but it was how I made my living. The CEO had all of us served drinks and let us place our orders for food from an excellent menu. As we sipped, he said, "Jordan, they're all yours."

"Aw, shit." I looked at each of them and said, "Who wants to start?"

The first manager said, "I don't like these performance questions and indicators. It's too much work and no one will ever pay attention to them. We've been through these consultant bright ideas before."

I knew they had.

The CEO interrupted, "That's why they hired me. The Board wants to see improvements. This is my way to do it. You may be assured that we will pay more attention to these indicators than you want."

"Some of the things we do in my department can't be measured. I don't have indicators for them."

The CEO looked at me and I took it up. "That we haven't measured in the past doesn't mean we can't. I'm willing to look at these issues and try to find a way to measure them."

Another manager said, "We do lots of training. I have good indicators. We know exactly the number of hours of training we have delivered in the past years."

"Did it do any good? I mean what good things happened as a result of your training?"

"The employees were trained to do their jobs."

"Did they do better?"

"I know where you're going with that. We can't help it if the managers don't let employees use the training. That's out of my area."

"How do you decide what to train?"

"Oh, for God's sake! It's in the curriculum. We train what's in the syllabus."

"How did it get there?"

"We decided what to offer and posted the training schedule."

"I deal only in performance. Outcomes. Good processes lead to good outcomes. So, what ever got better as a result of training?"

I could see his temper rising in his neck. I said, "Do you know that there is only one-ONLY ONE-problem for which training is the solution?"

"OK, what's that?"

"Ignorance. The state where one does not know what to do."

They didn't like that answer. Professional trainers never do. I continued, "I don't know how to do the tango. That means I'm ignorant about the tango and if I want to do it, I have to go to class, hire an instructor, or buy a video."

I heard grumbling. Typical. "Now, "if" I knew how to do the tango and my girl friend wanted me to do it and I wouldn't, training wouldn't help. I know how, I just don't do it."

One said, somewhat angrily, "OK, you're being an ass. Why wouldn't you want to please your girl friend?"

Sometimes, when you cast your fly, there really is a trout in the stream. "I twisted my ankle and it hurts like hell. I have a physical limitation." I looked all around, "More likely though, the band is playing a foxtrot, and I only know how to tango. I mean, I know how to tango, it just isn't appropriate in this situation."

"Bring that down to reality for us."

"I can say lots of things, but the most likely is that the manager-the bandleader-- wants to run things his way and I'm being trained to do something else. I'll never get to tango."

Someone asked, "What else?"

"This one is critical. It's called 'consequences'. My girl has been asking to go dancing for a week and I take her. I want something besides dancing. She sends me home wanting. So, I realize that if I do what she wants, I don't get what I want. So, I stop trying."

"That's a little crass."

"Ever had an employee in a group who didn't carry his or her weight? I know you have, so don't lie."

They actually laughed. "What happens is that person learns to work the system so that he or she works less while others work more. It will go on forever if there are no clear consequences for poor performance."

"So, do we just fire that person?"

"Heavens no! Unless you have the best selection system in the world, and I know you don't, you have only one chance in three of doing better, one chance to break even, and one chance to do worse."

They served the dinner. That's where I wanted to end my thoughts for the evening. Tomorrow, we would work hard on finding adequate measures of performance. We would do it and that's why they hire me.

The CEO had a schedule for me the next day that would keep a middle schooler running. I thought briefly about my favorite middle schooler. By about four, I knew that I wouldn't make it home tonight without a long drive from Atlanta. I had one fleeting thought. Maybe I could go to Atlanta and drive over to see Rachel. No. She didn't ask.

I had the CEO's admin schedule a flight for the next day. He graciously invited me to dinner, but I respected his space and told him to go home, I would be fine. I called Jennifer to say I'd be home the next day. She said, "As I told you before, we're fine. You know it's close to Christmas. I hope you can get home with all those travelers."

Christmas was not one of those things that mattered much to me. When the kids were home, we did all the traditional things, but we didn't compete for the most outrageously decorated house in town.

"I think I'll be home around four if there's no delay. I forgot about the holiday."

"Where did Angela store her Christmas stuff? Maybe I'll put out a wreath and some lights. Brianna hasn't had anything nice for a while."

"They're all in the attic. There's a pull down staircase in the upstairs hall."

"I'm sure I can find them."

"I'd like to bring her something. What size jacket does she wear?"

"She's an eight, but buy a ten. She's growing."

"You?"

"You don't have to buy anything for me."

"My hotel is right across the street from one of Chicago's best department stores. They are screaming sales. I can't resist."

"OK. I'm a medium. A ten."

"See you tomorrow."

I went across the street to the department store where I had bought many presents before. I went quickly to the leather department and found both of them nice jackets at closeout prices. I even bought a sport jacket for me. Then, I went back and bought a leather one for Rachel. I wished I could see her in it. Not many days in Albany when one can wear leather jackets, but they do look good when you can. If I had known Jennifer better and she was going to stay, I could have bought many other nice things for a pittance. I didn't. If she stayed, I would next time and I knew that there would be a next time.

Did I tell you that it gets damn cold in Chicago in December? The wind hurts bad if you stay out long. I didn't bring much winter stuff, but I did walk over to Michigan Avenue and look at Centennial Park. I walked back to the Palmer House and sat in a lovely old bar. Having a Scotch, I reflected that the past six months of my life thrilled me. If Jennifer stayed or left, I would have had the experience, although I would always worry about Brianna without me to guide her.

The Limo to the airport was on time. Flights were on time. I arrived in Albany to feel a beautiful fall day. The temperature must have been about 65 with a soft breeze. Forty minutes later, I drove my truck into the garage. I sat a minute and wondered if I'd ever be able to live in a large city. Fascinating, but way too much hassle for me.

I felt very anxious as I walked in the door. I had no idea what those girls were going to do. As I walked in, Brianna yelled, "Mom, Jordan's home!" She came running to me. I hugged her and she said, "Not the same here without you."

Jennifer came in from the living room and smiled. She hugged both of us and said, "Welcome home. I see you survived the cold."

"Survived is all I can say."

I saw that they had put out some decorations and the artificial tree with lights and tinsel. They put the miniature tree on the breakfast bar. I said, "I see you found the spirit in the attic."

"We had a nice time doing all this. Even Cathy came over to help." She laughed, "That's an interesting child."

I laughed, "OK, I'll bet ten dollars I know her first question?"

"You would lose. It was her second question. 'Are you going to live with Jordan and keep Brianna here?'"

"I lose. I'm dying to know what her first question was."

"Did you really put up all these Christmas things?"

"That's Cathy. She always gets right to the point."

"We have things mostly under control. We have food and I have my car and all the contraband I couldn't take to the Middle East. I'm almost over my jetlag, although part of that might be depression."

Brianna took my hand, "Come on, Jordan, and see the tree!"

They had decorated it and put presents under it. Reminded me of my former life. I felt completely emotional for all the reasons I mentioned and said, "I think I need to go up and get myself together."

I spent an hour going through the hostile email from my client, but some of them were beginning to turn around. Thinking about production problems made my tears go away. I loved having those girls here, but I had no clue about their plans. I had no Rachel, either. I stretched out on the bed, lying on my belly and just enjoying the moment. I must have slept.

I felt Brianna's hands stroking my back and she leaned over and whispered in my ear, giving me a little tongue and a few gusts of air that sent chills through me, "Jordan, darling, dinner is almost ready. Do you need help?" I turned my head to look up, and she kissed me.

I staggered up, held her for a minute, and went in to wash my face and go down. As usual, Jennifer had made a fine dinner. Why do I say, "As usual?"

Jennifer said, "You pour the wine, and I'll do the rest."

She had cooked a pork roast to perfection and served up a medley of vegetables and some nice sourdough rolls. I saw Brianna looking very happy.

Jennifer said, "Welcome home, landlord, cheers." She clinked her glass, as did Brianna. Then she said, "What do you do in Chicago that allows you to shop in the department stores?"

"I was supposed to come home last night, but the meetings went late, so I stayed downtown in my favorite old hotel, the Palmer House. The department store is right across the street."

She bubbled up, "Oh, take me sometime." She caught herself and said, "Forgive me. That was out of line."

Brianna said cheerfully, "Oh, I know him. He'd take you anywhere."

The table was silent as the inside of a tomb. I couldn't stand it, so I said, "Want to go to Chicago? I'll have to go back soon."

Jennifer said, "That's very kind after my inappropriate outburst."

Brianna said pleasantly, "Oh, Mom, if you want to go, Jordan will take you. Who will stay with me?"

The table was quiet again. Jennifer cut a piece of roast and served some vegetables on my plate. I poured the wine. She said, "You know that I'm not together. Even when we were-uh, close, I felt confused."

"Brianna is right. If you like, I will take you to Chicago when I go. If you don't like, you may stay here. You may stay here until you get your life together, but please consider Brianna and her achievements here when you decide."

She just cried. "I know. I know." Brianna went to hold her.

After dinner, I said," Thank you for the delicious meal. You spoiled me when you were here before. I felt like an honored guest."

She was still sniffling, "OK, Jordan, please let me do this clean up. I have to do something to earn my keep. Brianna will help. Go do your work."

I saw that I had an email from Rachel. "How's the old chick? You making any progress?"

"Go to your IM."

"K. So what?"

"She's confused as hell. Maybe I need to get her to a psychologist and some therapy. I can't handle her emotional crisis."

"Asshole, you are far more perceptive than I could imagine. You can't just order her to do that."

"Help?"

"I'll try. No promises. Did you ever love me?"

"That's dumb. Every moment of every day since I laid eyes on your beautiful self in that auction. If you doubt, then you are dumber than I thought."

"I knew. Every day, I knew. I'm lonely at home and I don't have to work 24 hours a day, so there is some spare time for--well, for excitement."

"With that hot wet thing you have between you legs, I can't imagine your being lonely."

"I doubt that you'll understand, but I've had two of those hard things briefly-and I mean briefly--in my body since I came home. They belonged to guys I was taken with in high school. Maybe I should have said, 'since I didn't come at home.'"

"Don't give up. I believe in my heart that some guy will love you for you."

"Fucking optimist!"

"Don't give up!"

I went back down to see if Jennifer had made the coffee and set the machine. I had to be sly, since I didn't want her to know I was checking. Fortunately, I saw the little green light and knew she had made it. I went over to the TV and searched the channels.

She came over and sat beside me. She said, "You told me you'd hold me when I needed it and I wonder if you might do it again?"

I patted the couch and put my arms out for her. She came in and put her head on my shoulder. Fifteen minutes later, Brianna came down and saw us. Instead of running her mouth, she whispered, "Is she OK?"

I shook my head and she went on about doing her things. Jennifer lay on my lap for easily thirty minutes before she could recapture herself. When she did, she looked at me and said, "I feel good to be home." She put her head right back under my arm and cried.

I patted her back and massaged her head. I put heavy fingers into her back and she murmured pleasantly. I said, "You just get comfortable and get yourself back together. No rush."

She tightened her arms. "Thank you. I don't know how you put up with me."

"Because I said I would. You needed a safe haven. I've been at this long enough to know it would not be quick and easy."

I felt her arms tighten again and knew that she was in emotional conflict. "Thanks. I'm just not myself. I can't seem to get in control." She held her head back and I saw the tears running down her face. I pushed the tears away with my fingers and heard her sigh.

"When you can, tell me what you would like. I know you have struggles inside."

"I'm going to get myself together starting right now." She pushed back and looked at my wet shirt. "Take it off and I'll wash it. You shouldn't have to put up with this crap."

"When people need a place to be and I can help, it isn't crap. I volunteered."

I held her for a few minutes more and then she said, "I should go up to bed. Thanks for caring and making me feel OK."

I started to say it was OK, and then she kissed me. "Forgive me, but I wondered if you'd like that. I've been wanting and I'll bet you miss your girl friend."

"Make no mistake. I like to kiss you. I do miss Rachel. She made, and honestly, continues to make my life special."

She said, "I guess she helped Brianna, and I always liked to have her emails when I was in that dreadful place. She expressed herself well."