Chapter 38A

We had a really animated free for all discussion at the dinner table that night. I was getting hit from all sides at once.

First, Mama was upset because Grace had phoned her, complaining about what I had told her I was planning for Joyce, Brenda and Emily. The main thrust of Mama's complaint was that I needed to stop discussing my personal business with everyone I met.

"Kenny, it worries me sometimes that you don't seem to realize you are creating problem situations where there needn't be any. What you've decided on, as far as your personal relationships, isn't really a proper concern for Grace. She isn't involved in any of those plans. The more people there are who are aware of your activities, the more you open yourself, and your associates, up to public censure."

"Mama, Grace is a part of the family. I was trying to explain my ideas for making some important lifestyle changes."

"Grace now knows things not just about you, Kenny. She knows things about Joyce, Brenda, and Emily. Additionally, now, she thinks she knows something bad about me. Did you tell her that I knew what you were doing?"

"I said you had a good idea about what was going on."

"Do you see how her believing this could change her opinion of me?"

"Mama's right, Kenny. I felt like it was unnecessary for you to discuss our relationships with Grace. It embarrassed Brenda, and it made me a little uncomfortable." Joyce joining in like that, with Mama, had surprised me. She never said a word to me about it, not in all the time since we'd left Gracerie.

"I wanted to get Grace's opinion. Joyce you know I've been a little bit unsure about all of this. I'm trying to feel my way to a place where we'll all be comfortable. This is all very new to me, I don't have it all clear in my own head, and I always try to get other people's opinions, whenever I'm unsure about an action I'm contemplating taking."

"Kenny, your mother and Joyce are right about this. You need to stop and think about what they've both told you. At times, you get yourself into trouble because you insist on pushing forward with an idea before you've had a chance to consider all of it's ramifications. I don't know all the details of what else there is that has your mother getting upset, but I do know you'd be better served, if you considered your plans, from all possible angles, before you tried to implement them."

I listened to what my Dad had just told me. He and I had spoken in the past, about my tendency to want to set a plan in motion first, then refine it as I went along. His way was far different. He liked to have everything laid out neatly before he ever acted. I didn't have the patience yet for that. If I had an idea, I liked to see, right away, if it had any merit. Making adjustments, implementing big changes, or even abandoning an idea, didn't represent a problem for me.

"Dad, remember when you were telling me that you and I approach problems differently, and you said this gave you a lot more options when you had me giving you my take on things?"

"Yes, but I wasn't referring to just any problems. I was talking about having more options for me to consider before arriving at a business plan, or a solution to a problem that was creating a stumbling block. You consistently come up with unique approaches, ones I'd never think of. Some, are simply better than what I had come up with, but most times, I've found myself blending some portion of your thoughts with other ideas of my own. This enhanced the overall plan, by combining everything together, in ways that proved more beneficial to us. Used as a business tool, doing that makes a lot of sense. It doesn't make sense for you to attempt to operate your life by using some trial and error system. There's no advantage to you for doing so."

"This isn't what I'd call operating by trial and error. I already knew what I wanted to have happen. I had concluded that what I'd been doing wasn't ever going to work for me. You brought four companies together, and you made all of them work together, as a single whole. In doing so, you improved each one's profitability through that integration process. Having four profitable units, all working together, helping each other, was a good plan, and it produced a great many benefits for you."

"Are you telling me that you are modeling this plan of yours after what we've done with our acquisitions? People aren't companies, Kenny. You can't treat them the same as you would a business acquisition."

"You said the key to a successful business is it's people. From what I've been able to observe, that's true. I don't see why it shouldn't follow that what works with businesses, should work for individuals. You care about all the divisions, and you worry about making them better, stronger, and more successful. I care about all these girls, and I'm trying to make it so we can all work together, to make things better for each of us. I'm trying to do something different than I've done in the past. Now, I'm attempting to make improvements to my existing personal relationships, to make them work. I'm trying to change them so that they are a success. I don't want to continue settling for a long series of relationship failures."

"Interesting. Do you mind if I ask you how this experiment is working for you?" My father was finally finding common ground that somehow connected business, something he understood and excelled in, and personal life, something he tried to shy away and hide from, whenever he could. I saw, out of the corner of my eye, Mama smiling at him when he expressed an interest in my results.

"So far, all I can say with certainty, is that I'm starting to feel better. I was very troubled when Emily and I broke up, because I really felt it shouldn't have been necessary. I didn't know why things always went wrong, or why we fought so much. I began thinking that something I didn't know about was the primary cause of these problems."

"All of this is just about Emily then?"

"It's about all my past and current relationships, in different ways. I've had concerns about the ways all of my past relationships have ended. I blamed Brenda completely for our breaking up. When I thought about what happened though, I could see where I'd contributed to it by my own actions. I'm not saying I was primarily to blame, but I could have handled things differently. I was angry with Shirley for the way she chose to break up with me, after she first found out about her family needing to move. She could have been honest with me, but, instead, she made it seem like it was because I was doing something wrong."

"Are you saying you want to start over with these girls because you now see that you made errors too?"

"No, Joyce told me I should forget about all of them, and just start out all over again, with someone new. The problem with doing that, was that I wouldn't find out why things keep going wrong for me. Instead, and this isn't starting over, I'm going to try to find ways to make relationships work better for me, by using the same people, and finding out what works and what doesn't, with them, and with me."

"Things aren't really going wrong, sweetheart. You're just at an age where this sort of thing happening is a very normal part of growing up. These are all young girls, and you are still a very young man. It's all part of the growing up process, but, for some reason, you've always taken these breakups far too seriously." Mama was trying to help, and I knew that. I thought it was funny that she'd tell me again that I took things too seriously. More than half the reason I'd decided to make changes was because so many people said that same thing to me, that I took these girl problems way too seriously.

"It is serious, to me. I'm not used to things like this happening to me, and I wanted to make it stop happening. That's why I'm making these changes, to find out where I've been going wrong. What I'm trying to do, is set things up so we all have what we need to be happy together. If I can make myself happier by changing things, I think I should do it. The same is true of everyone else. If Emily can make herself happier she should do it. Or Joyce, or Brenda, or anybody else. The only part of my plan that concerns me is that I'm going to need to change these girls too, in order for me to be happy. I've been unwilling to do that in the past. Instead of trying to change things, I've just reacted to whatever went wrong."

"Needing other people is healthy, Kenny. Trying to get them to change is also normal behavior. Why does that seem like it's a problem to you?" Mama seemed concerned about this.

"I need them, but I need them to be the way I want them to be. My problem is that they think they want to be different than I need them to be. It's difficult for two people to always want the same things. When you add a third and a fourth person, it becomes nearly impossible to please any one. I decided that pleasing me was going to be my first priority."

"There's nothing wrong with deciding that either, Kenny. We all must look to caring for ourselves. That's a healthy attitude, and one that is necessary, if you hope to enjoy a good quality of life." I was now able to see that Mama's real concern wasn't what Grace had told her about me talking to her. She was worried that I was having doubts. I wondered if Joyce had spoken to Mama about my doubts. After what had happened at work that morning, and on the car ride home, my doubts had been eased.

"Mama, things are improving since I talked to Grace, and even since I spoke to Joyce about my having doubts. Except for Emily, I'm pretty sure everything is going to work out for me. What I'm doing isn't traditional, and I know that, but it is something I think will make it easier for me. It's sort of like not putting all my eggs into one basket. This is my attempt at gaining that stability you said I needed."

"I'm happy to hear that. The essence of stability is learning to accept having difficulties arise, while maintaining a posture that allows you to be flexible, and to steer yourself away from things that are too dangerous. I've long believed that you would find stability, as you matured, and learned to profit from your various emotional experiences."

"You aren't concerned that I'm changing as a person? That I'm becoming too self serving?"

"Heavens no, Kenny. Why would you ever think that, anyway? I see you beginning to understand an important lesson. A leader needs to surround himself with enough people to get the job accomplished. It doesn't matter if it's business or personal, problems need to be addressed, and then overcome. If what you are doing now is aimed at accomplishing one or both of those goals, then I'm all in favor of it. I know Joyce has also been pleased with your recent change in actions and attitudes. Brenda might not feel that way yet, dear, but I still believe she is someone that you can help, and who could also help you. She needs to be taught to act differently, and to be guided with a firm hand. If today is any indication, she seems to be responding well to whatever it is you're attempting."

"Why do you think I'd want to be a leader, Mama?"

"You already are, Kenny. You already are. Whenever you gather people together to do your bidding, you are exercising your leadership. You need to find ways to make people want to be led by you, to make them happy they've selected you to be their leader."

"Bertie, I'm not so sure you are advising Kenny correctly. It certainly isn't leadership skills he's lacking, or anything in that area which is causing him to worry. It is more a question of his natural preferred orientation. Kenny tends to be a loner, and he needs to become more of a team player." My father smiled over at me as he said this.

"You don't think I'm a good team player?"

"I didn't say that. In fact, I think you are a fine team player, those times when you opt to join a team. The problem, as I see it, is that playing on a team isn't your preferred style. You seem to prefer to go it alone, especially in most personal things. In those areas where you've enjoyed the most success, it was usually from having been a team player. Business, the group homes and fitting in with our family. I'm not saying there weren't problems in the family, especially at the beginning, but we managed to stick together, and we all worked our way through them. When you are acting alone, there isn't any support system in place for you to fall back on. That being the case, you usually act right away, before you've assembled a well thought plan, or reason for doing so."

"Don't you think that what I'm doing now is the same as forming a team?"

"I couldn't say. I don't think I know what it is you are attempting to do. At first blush, it looks like you're putting together a harem." My Dad laughed self consciously, trying to take any sting out of the words he'd just spoken. All eyes were on me. Mama was smiling, Joyce was looking at me, but I couldn't tell what she was thinking. My father waited for me to answer what had really been a question. I wasn't sure how I wanted to answer him. I wasn't sure I even wanted to answer him.

"I don't know what it is now, or what I'm hoping it becomes. I don't think of it as a harem though. I'm trying to incorporate other people's needs into it, along with my own needs, and those of the girls's. Mama has told me that she thinks Joyce is well suited for me, suited both to my temperament, and to my ambitions. Part of what I'm doing is trying to show her that I've listened to her counsel. Joyce and I do get along very well, but we have some areas that need improvement. Emily and I are apart right now, and, perhaps, we won't ever be reconciled. Part of what I'm attempting with her, is to find out if we have enough of a community of interest to make it worthwhile attempting to maintain our relationship. Brenda, well she's the same Brenda. She has this amazing physical attractiveness, and I'm attempting to find some ways to make being with her less problematical for me. I'm trying to neutralize her ability to hurt me. Except for Emily, everything seems to be moving in the direction I'd hoped it might."

"Brenda has spoken to Georgia about some of the difficulties she is having with trying to meet your demands. Georgia asked me to look into this with you. She is concerned that you are liable to injure Brenda, if you continue to insist on having your way." I watched the look of puzzlement on Dad's face when Mama told me about Mrs. Connor, and her concerns.

"Brenda isn't being asked to do anything she hasn't already done on her own. In large part, her value to me lies in her willingness to do what I require of her. If her mother feels too concerned, Brenda and I can easily return to the way things used to be. Brenda was offered a choice, and everything I required from her was clearly spelled out to her, in full detail. She knew what she was agreeing to."

"I heard Kenny discuss all of this with her, Mama. He told Brenda what she needed to agree to. She said she was willing to do what he asked." Joyce was staring over at my father. The more we spoke, the more confused and upset he was becoming.