Chapter 30

I had kept my focus for the entire time that Emily and I were in that state of limbo. In the beginning, I truly believed it was another, temporary, fight we'd gotten into. I knew we were fighting over an important issue though, and this is what led me to re-examine the entire history of our relationship, going back to when we had first met, through Brenda.

After that meeting Emily and I had, over at my house, I knew that things could never again be the same between us. We had reached an impasse, one that neither of us was willing to retreat from or try to circumvent.

Whether it was because I was now accustomed to having these break ups, or because I'd had over a month to come to terms with Emily's and mine, the sadness and disappointment wasn't as strong this time as it had been with my previous loves. I hoped it was a sign that I was maturing, but I feared it was a sign that my mother was right, and I was becoming a colder, more uncaring person.

Whatever the cause, I kept right on doing my class work, taking care of the day to day details of operating my grain program, and with helping out with the financial matters of the group homes. This was more than enough to keep me busy, but when I did find myself with free time on my hands, I tried spending it with my family.

I had made a conscious decision to avoid any non-family related socializing. I stayed away from social settings, not wanting to take even the slightest chance that my hormones would get me involved in something my heart and head weren't yet ready for.

I was looking past the present, trying to prepare myself for the immediate future I had planned. It all centered around college. I was turning eighteen in July, leaving for college in late August, and I saw these two milestones as a new beginning for my life, or at least for the next phase of my life.

In the past year, I really thought that I'd grown and matured. I thought of myself as an adult now, and I really believed I'd found my calling in life with the program I was building for the orphan boys. I received tremendous satisfaction from knowing that I was altering the lives of so many boys, ones who had found themselves in the same circumstances I'd been in.

I saw the changes that living in the group homes was having on the boys. One of my favorite activities was watching a group of our boys interacting with a lot of other children who came from normal family lifestyles. I was so gratified to see that they blended together so well that you really couldn't tell, from watching them play together, which child belonged to which group.

So many of the surface differences had been eliminated by good clothing, adequate grooming, and better haircuts. Now, there were easy relaxed smiles, better posture, and a group of boys who didn't turn down their eyes in either embarrassment or envy when in the company of other, non-orphan children. Their self esteem had been improved, and they felt more mainstream, less cut off from the hopes and aspirations they saw continuously when they watched television. My boys didn't look like orphans anymore.

While I had a lot of help in making any of this become real, it had been my wanting it to happen that had gotten things started, and my willingness to do whatever it took that had made those first homes a reality. That isn't to say that my Dad, Mama, and Joyce, hadn't done as much or even more, in the beginning, than I had, but they did it because I'd come to them and asked them to help me. Dad had his company, Mama had her golf learning center, and I had my boys. We were lucky, in that each of us drew great satisfaction from what we had engaged and immersed ourselves in. We were even luckier in that all four of us, including Joyce, got satisfaction from participating in more than one of our family ventures.

I finally let Mama and Joyce talk me into going to one of the Saturday dances at the club. It was about a week and a half before my high school graduation, and all of the real work in school had already been accomplished. For seniors, it was a case of just showing up for classes, and not getting into any trouble, until they finally passed out our diplomas.

When we walked in and searched for a table, I saw Emily, Gary and Kitty sitting over by where they usually sat. I half expected to see the Connors and the Jones family as well, but they weren't there as far as I could see. Emily saw me too, and she didn't look surprised that I had come. I had a suspicion that either Joyce or Mama had called to tell her I'd agreed to come.

I had been prepared to see her again. In some ways I'd agreed to coming just so I could test myself, and my reaction, at seeing her again. I felt some excitement, even nervousness, but nothing that I couldn't handle.

Once we had found a table, and all of us had ordered drinks, I took off for the men's room. I really had to go to the bathroom, it wasn't so I could hide myself away from Em. When I finished up and came out, Emily was sitting in my chair, talking to Joyce. I approached the table and waited until she noticed me standing there. She stood up.

"Hi, Kenny. Sorry about taking your chair. I needed to tell Joyce something."

"Hi. Not a problem. Take your time, I don't mind. How have you been?"

"I'm good. I've been keeping busy with school and things. How about you?"

"Same thing, school and things. I'm starting to get everything ready for when I'll be away at school. I need to make sure I can still do those things that take care of the stuff that has to get done around here, from over in Indiana. It might take awhile to get it all set up, but most of it is by phone now anyway."

"Are you dating yet?"

"No, too busy. You?"

"No one's asked me yet."

"It was good seeing you again, Em. If you get out more, you'll get asked."

"Well, I better get back to my table. My mom's starting to give me that look again. Maybe you'll ask me to dance later?"

"Sure, I'd like that."

She left, and I could see both Mama and Joyce biting back all the things they wanted to say to me. They were afraid to say anything though, and that was probably for the best. My palms were already soaked, my dick was throbbing, and I felt close to wanting to jump out of my skin.

I'd been tested and found wanting again. Damn all women! You would think that your body would allow your brain to control it. I wasn't sure how much of my reaction was due to Emily, and how much was due to being a teenager who hadn't had any sex for a couple of months. I had grown used to not having to deny myself frequent carnal indulgences.

My first reaction was to flee, before I ended up making a complete fool of myself. It wasn't love I was feeling, or even any close bond of a past relationship. I was full blown horny. Plain and simple horny. I looked right at Joyce, and, from her reaction, I knew I wasn't hiding the state I was in very well. I looked at Mama, and thought I detected a satisfied smirk on her face. That could have just been me though, and I realized I was grasping desperately for some justification to get up and bolt out of the country club.

Pride kept me sitting there, and the passage of time allowed me to begin to regain my self control, and to start to place some perspective on the situation I found myself in. It didn't have to be anything for me to get so worked up over. It had been a long time, and Emily was a very pretty girl. We had known each other intimately for quite some time. It was only natural that seeing her again would get me going after such a long period of sexual abstinence. The important thing was for me to regain my composure, and then to find a way to deal with things that made sense, and wouldn't create problems for anyone.

Obviously, I couldn't ask her to dance with me. That was out of the question now. There was no way I could trust my dick not to send her an immediate signal if we were dancing together. I knew it would be awkward though, if I didn't ask her after our earlier conversation. I could wait and ask her to dance a fast dance with me, but even that might prove awkward.

"Kenny, you need to calm down and relax. We came here to enjoy ourselves." I looked over at Dad. If he noticed how agitated I'd become, there was no hope in the world that Mama, Joyce, and Emily hadn't noticed it too. Strangely, my father's words calmed me down quite a bit. Now that I knew for sure that everyone could see I had gotten excited, after talking to Emily, there was less reason for me to be concerned. I had been worried about hiding my excitement. Now, since they knew anyway, I could relax about it. It took a lot of the pressure I'd been feeling away.

"She's very pretty, and she was always able to get me excited. Nothing's changed about that." I tried to pass it off as though I hadn't been trying to conceal my reaction to Emily.

"She is a lovely girl, but the world is full of beauty. I'm sure you'll find someone just as lovely, someone that you won't have to spend half your life fighting with." I saw the expression on Mama's face darken when Dad told me that. He must have known how his remark would sit with her too, so I was doubly thankful that he'd made the comment to me. I hoped it wouldn't end up with him spending too much time in Mama's dog house.

"It is an admirable quality to remain on friendly terms with your past sweethearts, Kenny. Bunny had that knack, and it always served him well." Mama looked at Dad as she said this. She was pointedly giving him an opportunity to withdraw from whatever it was she had set up for Emily and me. I hoped he'd be reasonable and know that there was no winning this one for him. He needed to retreat while she still offered him a way out.

"The ones who didn't shoot at him through his bedroom window. Are those the past sweethearts you mean, Bertie?" Now Dad had really done it. It wasn't even necessary. I felt able to fend for myself. He was digging himself a hole he'd never be able to climb out of.

"You know, Dad, I know you like kidding around with Mama about these kind of things, but, I'm not certain this is a good time for you to be joking with her."

"You'd do well to listen to Kenny, Thomas. I'm in no mood to be played with right now."

"I'm not playing. It offends me that you are getting up to your old tricks after the boy has made it perfectly clear that he resents your constant meddling in his social situations. This is just another classic example of that meddling. Tell me that either you or Joyce didn't have a hand in setting up this meeting between Kenny and Emily tonight, and I'll apologize and remain silent." Dad paused to allow Mama time to deny it, or to protest that she had no involvement in any such planning, but she remained silent. "Very well. Your silence condemns you for being the meddler I've accused you of being. Are you so desperate to meddle that you are willing to drive Kenny away from us?

"I refuse to discuss my reasons for any of my actions with you. All you understand, or appreciate, is how to make money. I'm the one that keeps this family together. My actions all stem from the love I have for Kenny. I'm concerned with how he develops into being a man. I won't have my motivation, for having this concern, called into question by you."

"Will you both please stop this. Mama, he's right. You don't hear me when I try to tell you that this meddling of yours is driving a wedge between us. I don't want or need your assistance with my love life. What you do is totally inappropriate and unwelcome. Girls might not mind it, but I'm not a girl, and it always bothers me. I've asked you to quit doing it in every way I know how to do it. Please, stay out of my personal life. It isn't any of your business, and you don't have any right to impose your choices onto me."

"I have a mother's right."

"No, because mothers don't have that right. This is a right you just decided to assume. It is a meddler's right that you are trying to exercise. It doesn't work, in fact, it pushes me away from the girls you are trying to make me closer to. It causes most of the trouble you and I have ever had with each other. I love you, and I value your love, but I won't ever allow you to push me where I don't want to go, with any girl, ever."

"You could have just said this to me, Kenny. You didn't have to wait until it became a sore point between us."

How many times had I told her this, or something very similar to it? How many times had we been estranged because of her attempts to meddle in my love life? I wanted to stand up and scream at her. The old Kenny might have.

"I'm sorry now that I didn't, Mama. Maybe it's a good thing that Dad brought it up tonight, so that you and I could have this talk, and better understand how we each felt about things. I know I feel better now." I knew there was a good chance that Mama would grasp at the olive branch I was now offering her.

We would each give the other immunity for the words and actions taken that night, if she did. I had brought Dad into it, letting her know she had to grant him immunity for his words as well. Mama and I understood each other. We were working on ways to forgive each other. We both needed frequent forgiveness, and this was a mechanism I was now offering her.

"I feel better too. I just hope you aren't going to take my attempt to help, out on poor Emily. She did absolutely nothing to justify you being upset with her for tonight."

I had a sense of excitement so strong as to be almost overpowering. Mama and I were negotiating in a way that both of us could live with. She was willing to forgive Dad's outburst as well, but only if I made nice with Emily for the evening. It was as if the two of us had discovered a language we shared in common.

"I'm glad we got everything worked out, Mama. I'm going over, the next slow one, to ask Emily to dance with me."

"I'm sure that will make her happy. You should dance with Joyce too though, so she doesn't feel left out. Thomas, why aren't we dancing? You know I love to dance with you."

Our bargain was complete, and Mama and I couldn't have been happier about it. I'm not sure my Dad really understood that something very important had taken place in the past few minutes. I knew that he and I were going to go somewhere very private soon, and have a long talk about how to negotiate with Mama.

When the next slow dance started, I got up and went over to ask Emily to dance. On the dance floor, we were both a little tentative, uncertain as to how close we should start dancing. When I pressed close enough in, so that she could feel my hard on pushing against her lower stomach, I felt her relaxing in my arms.

"Mama and I just had an interesting conversation about all her meddling in my affairs. She just can't seem to stop getting involved with those kind of things."

"I miss you so much, Kenny. I know that makes me sound pathetic and needy, but, I can't stop thinking about you."

"I miss you too, Emily, and I wish things had been different. I'm sure you can tell that I'm still very much attracted to you. That was never either one of our problems. We are both stuck with our strong personalities though, and that would always mean trouble for us. You can't be like your mother, and I can't be like my father. We can't work as a couple, not in the long term. I loved the short term though. The times when we weren't fighting, and we just wanted to devour each other."

"I feel the same way. I always said I missed not fucking you the most. I hated some of the other parts, but it all seemed worth it when we were in bed together. Even right now, when you're telling me that we'd always fight, I'm agreeing with you, but I'm also feeling you close to me and knowing how close I am to your cock. I never had even one regret about any of the times we were in bed together."

"We're a good match in bed, but not out of it."

"That's enough for me right now, the in bed part. It probably wouldn't be for very long, but we don't have that long anymore. Did you bring your car?"

"No, we all came in the limo. Mama and Joyce didn't want to wrinkle their dresses."

"I brought my car, and my mom let Gary drive her here in her car. We could go over to your Uncle's house."

"That's very tempting. Unfortunately, there's that little matter of my emotions, and probably yours as well."

"If you mean that I still love you, then, yes, there is emotion. On the other hand, tomorrow morning, when we both wake up horny again, we'll still feel the same way. If we went to your Uncle's house, the only thing that would change is that we wouldn't wake up horny."

"I need to think about that. I still love you, and I think I'd be bothered that all we were doing was using each other for some sexual gratification. Wouldn't that bother you?"