Chapter 29

I didn't see or hear from Shirley for a week. I knew that Emily was in contact with her though, and my mother had asked me several questions about whether I knew what Shirley's plans were. I always answered that I didn't know her plans, and wasn't interested in getting involved in any of that mess.

Mama seemed a little sad at my attitude concerning Shirley's plight. I knew that she kept bringing Shirley's name up for a reason, and I didn't want to give her any excuse for getting me involved.

Emily and I had visited together over at Uncle Bunny's house twice in the week since we'd gone over to Shirley's house together. The first time, she brought up Shirley's situation to me, until I told her to either drop it or else I was taking her home. She stopped talking about Shirley. The second time, she called me, promising not to talk about anything, if I'd pick her up and take her over to Uncle Bunny's again.

She kept her end of the bargain and we had a nice time together, making love and talking about how the plans for the new girl's modular extension were progressing. Not only didn't she bring up Shirley's name, she really didn't seem interested in discussing anything about that with me. I started hoping that we had reached an accommodation that all of us could live with.

It was Sunday morning, the twenty ninth of March, when I saw Shirley again. She and Emily had driven over to my house, so that Shirley and Mama could enjoy a nice chat together. I said hello to Em and Shirley, but when Shirley started right in, talking to me about how she had sent Clay back to South Carolina, I excused myself from the three of them, and heading back upstairs for my bedroom. Emily got up from where she was seated, following me up the stairs.

"Kenny, what is your problem? You were barely polite to Shirley. Couldn't you see how desperate she is? All she wants is for you to be nice to her. All you had to do was let her finish getting out what she wants to tell you. You cut her off before she was even half finished speaking with you."

"Emily, I'm not interested in hearing what she has to say. I asked you to leave me out of this, but I can see you've decided not to listen. You're going to keep fooling around with this, and it's going to have a very bad impact on our relationship. I don't like people telling me what I should be thinking, or telling me what I have to do. I think for myself, and I do what I think is right, for me. I want you to go back downstairs now. I'm upset with you, and I don't want to have this blow up into something bigger than it needs to be."

"Are you going to start dismissing me too, the same way you're treating Shirley? I thought you told me that you were over this thing you had about you always needing to be the boss?"

"I've already told you I didn't want to get involved with Shirley's situation. I don't happen to share your concern for Shirley's pregnancy, or for what her feelings towards Clay might be. I didn't want to get involved with whatever she and Clay need to work out. If that makes me bossy to you, then I guess I am still needing to be the boss. Not of you though. I'm not telling you what you should do about Shirley. You can do whatever you want to, as long as you don't try to include me in whatever plan you come up with. If you can't accept that, then maybe you and I will need to go our separate ways too."

I opened my bedroom door and walked inside, letting the door close behind me. I didn't throw my lock though. If she wanted to keep this thing going, I was going to let her. I had gotten mad by then myself. I waited, halfway between the door and my bed, but Emily didn't try to open my door.

It was an hour later before Mama came up and knocked on my door. She told me all about how I'd gotten both Shirley and Emily upset. She too told me I'd been rude to Shirley when I'd gotten up and left them, while Shirley was still speaking to me.

"Mama, I already told Emily, a bunch of times, that I don't want to get involved in Shirley's situation. I'm telling you the same thing. The only reason Shirley's acting like she is now, is because she's being encouraged to do so. She was ready to marry that other boy, but she wanted to see if I'd take her first. It was like she thought his offer was okay, but maybe she'd get a better one from me. I told her I wasn't interested in making any offer to her. Emily's taking up for Shirley now, because she has some romantic ideas that Shirley shouldn't have to marry a boy she doesn't love."

"I agree with Emily about that."

"That's fine. You have a right, to think however you want to. I have a right to think what I want also, and to not get involved in this, if I don't want to. I've already said that I don't want to be involved."

"You needn't shout, Kenny. You're a little upset, and I can understand that. Emily and I both know how much Shirley meant to you. We're both afraid that what you are now doing will cause you future regrets, needless suffering, and anguish. It isn't in your nature to be unfeeling, or uncaring like this."

"Maybe not, but, you know what? It is in my nature to be resentful when people keep trying to meddle in my business, especially after I've asked them, repeatedly, not to do it. You and I have gone through this before, with Brenda, and you know what happens when you try to push me about things like this. Emily might not understand this, but you do. I won't be pushed, pulled, or prodded over Shirley. Not by you, not by Emily, and certainly, not by Shirley."

"Kenny, please don't say I'm meddling. I'm trying to make sure you don't make a mistake you'll end up regretting."

"There are some things I just won't be pushed over. This is one of those things. I've asked you to quit, and you haven't. What is it that you and Emily think I should be doing?"

Mama opened her hand, showing me the ring that I'd given to Emily.

"Emily is very upset that you shouted at her, and that you've been refusing to listen to either her or Shirley. Kenny, you can't always do what you want to do. Sometimes, you need to listen to what people around you are trying to tell you."

I reached over to Mama's open palm, taking the ring from her. I looked at it, realizing, as I did so that Emily had decided to accept my offer for us to go our separate ways. I was surprised by this, but not very convinced that she really meant it. She had been upset, and she'd calm down after awhile.

I had a lot going on in my life. I didn't really want to have to deal with breaking up with Emily too. It looked like I was going to be forced to make another big decision. This refusal of mine to want to get involved in Shirley's problems had taken on a greater significance. I saw it as a question of people not respecting my right to make choices for myself.

If we had been arguing over Emily's rights, and I'd been trying to prevent her from helping or befriending Shirley, I'd have felt differently about the way I'd acted. The way it was, I didn't see how I could justify giving in to her about this. I meant justify it to myself, not to anyone else. As much as I wanted things to stay the way they were with Emily, before this problem, I couldn't accept her being able to dictate my choices to me.

I took the ring and put it in my top drawer of my nightstand.

In five more months, I'd be traveling to South Bend to begin college. Emily and I would have been separated at that time, for at least a school year, because she was a year behind me in school. We hadn't really talked about it, but it was there, and both of us realized that it was.

To a much lesser degree, I was also going to have to deal with being separated from my family, after I left for college. I'd be coming home periodically, but I wasn't going to be living at home like I had been for this past school year.

The group homes were another big concern of mine. Everything I did now, as far as finances, I could accomplish in South Bend, just as easily. I'd miss the personal contact with the boys and the staff, but, there was really no way I could expect to participate with them when I was living so far away.

Of all those things, the one aspect that troubled me the most was that I was going to be leaving lots of disappointed people behind when I left. I knew I'd disappointed Mama, with the things that I'd said to her. Emily was the same. She had wanted me to follow her lead, but I hadn't been willing to. She had this funny streak that was somewhat like mine. She never wanted to let something go if she thought she was right. I wasn't sure I was right, but I felt pretty strongly that I wasn't willing to back down from my position.

At two o'clock, I went downstairs to see about getting something to eat. Gerta and Hans were sitting at the kitchen table, talking, when I walked in. Seeing me, they stopped talking. This made me think they were talking about me.

"I came down to see if there's any lunch left for me."

"I made soup, but that's all. No one was hungry for any lunch. You want some soup and some bread and butter?"

"No, I'll just go out and get something at the club. I want to go hit some golf balls anyway."

I hadn't played any golf in a long time. Too busy. It's funny that we stop doing the things we used to like the most. I didn't remember the last time I'd played golf with my parents. I thought about asking Mama if she wanted to come with me, to hit some balls together, like we used to, but then I decided that I really wanted to be alone, so I could think.

It was a nice day out. A little chilly, but you could tell that it was almost time for spring again. There was the beginning of a different smell in the air. I bought a cheeseburger and fries at the club, eating it alone, and remembering my first cheeseburger there, the day Uncle Bunny came to get me from the orphanage. My life had changed so much in the almost three years since that had happened. I was a different person. I wondered if I was better, or just different. I knew a lot more now, and I was able to allow myself to feel so much more than I did before. I was missing things now, things that I didn't really know existed before Uncle Bunny came for me.

Peace was something I knew about now, that I'd never remembered experiencing before leaving St. Cecilia's. Comfort was something else I expected now, but something I hadn't really understood back in my orphanage existence. Stubborn willfulness was something I'd known before, and it was still present in me as I sat there in the club restaurant. There was a difference between then and earlier though. I'd been stubborn and willful, because that was what I believed I needed to survive at St. Cecilia's. I had retained those traits, even though I knew they were no longer necessary in my day to day existence.

I wound up hitting two jumbo buckets of balls. That's over five hundred balls in total. It was tiring, but it felt good after I got into a smooth rhythm. It was something simple that I could do. Something that didn't require a lot of thought or worrying over. I drove straight home, after eating yet another quick sandwich at the club.

I still had class preparation work to do, and I wanted to be sure I was prepared for a mid term that was coming up during that week. I barely heard Joyce calling me.

"Kenny, let me in."

I went over and opened the lock and turned the handle to let her come in. She walked past me, heading over to sit on my bed. I followed her back there, careful not to sit too close to her. I was expecting some more of the same from her. I was planning on telling her what I'd already told Mama and Emily.

"I hear you've been busy, Kenny. Emily called here while you were gone. She told me that you broke up with her."

"I didn't break up with her. I gave her choices, and the one she picked was that we break up."

"Mama's in her room, crying. She says that you've changed. She doesn't think you love her anymore."

"She's right, I have changed. She's wrong about me not loving her though. Just because I'm tired of her meddling, that doesn't mean I don't still love her. She thinks Emily's right, that I should do what she wants me to do about helping Shirley."

"You should go tell her you love her, then."

"I did tell her. All she hears, when we fight like this, is me telling her I won't do what she wants me to do. I'm not good at letting other people tell me what to do, not unless I already want to do it. I thought about it, trying to see if there was any way I could change myself from feeling that way about this, but, there just isn't. I wish I was more like my Dad that way. It doesn't seem to bother him when he has to give in to her."

"Maybe it does bother him, but he knows it would be worse for Mama if he didn't let her have her way."

"I think that's true. Sometimes though, what she wants is too much for her to ask for. She wants me to go against what I believe. We've gotten into these types of problems before, and it never turned out well for either of us. All I know is that I've tried to do it, but it doesn't ever work out well for me. I end up resenting that I had to be the one to give in. I gave in a lot to Emily, but it just wasn't enough for her. It seems like I'm eventually going to be unhappy no matter what I do. I think I should keep doing whatever I decide is right for me. At least, that way, I won't end up feeling unhappy, and then feel stupid on top of it, for having tried to go against my own convictions. It isn't worth it, not just to try to act more reasonable with people."

"Why do you want to avoid Shirley? I don't think any of us understand what your reason is for doing that."

"It isn't that I want to avoid her. I want to avoid the trouble that not avoiding her would create for me. That isn't the real problem though. The real problem is that Emily and Mama refuse to accept that avoiding her is my choice to make. Shirley wants for us to get back together. I don't want to do that, not even if Emily weren't in the picture now. She already made her choices before. If I had gotten her pregnant, it would be different, but I didn't. Emily thinks all of us pitying her will help, but I don't think so. I wouldn't want to do that, even if it would work."

"What about Emily? She loves you."

"I love her too, but there are limits to what I will tolerate from her. I told her what those limits were, at least in this instance, and that's when she decided she couldn't live with me deciding about this by myself. You know what? I can live with her decision. I'm going to be leaving here soon anyway. Emily has a right to make choices for herself, and she has. I'm not going to even try to get her to change her mind."

"Kenny, sometimes you're like a spoiled little kid. You need to have your own way. Part of loving someone is being able to give up doing what you want. Why is what you want more important than what Mama or Emily want?"

"I'll tell you why. This is something I've thought a lot about too. All I'm trying to control is what happens to me. I'm not telling Emily or Mama what they should do with Shirley. I don't include them in automatically, or try to get them to do things they say they don't want to do. If they tell me no about something, I don't try to make them do it anyway. I'm the only one who gets to choose what I will or won't do. They can react, and I won't try to stop them, but I refuse to let them make my choices for me. Nobody makes my choices for me."

"No matter what the consequences are for you, or for the other people?"

"I get to decide for myself. I'm not talking about taking it to some ridiculous level anymore. I think I'm over doing that. I offer people choices now. Before, I just acted without discussing my actions with anyone. That's a big improvement for me, to offer choices."

"Some choices. My way, or we're finished."

"It isn't like that. Ask me to do something for you."

"Make love to me."

"No."

"Why not?"

"Because I'm not ready to do that. I'm not mad that you asked me, but, after I tell you no, I could get upset if you keep on trying to get me to do it. If that happens, I would tell you not to do it anymore, and tell you what I'd do if you persisted, after I told you not to. To me, that's reasonable. It isn't me that's overreacting about any of this."

"Suppose I told you that I was leaving here, tonight, if you don't make love to me?"

"I'd still tell you no, but I'd offer to move over to Uncle Bunny's, so you didn't have to leave here."

"You think that's enough?"

"It is for me. If things were reversed, and it was me that was asking you. If you told me no, I wouldn't ask again."

"Not even if you wanted me more than anything else in the world?"

"Not if you didn't want me. I wouldn't keep trying to get you to do what you didn't want to do."

"Shirley's unhappy, Emily's unhappy, Mama's unhappy, and now, I'm unhappy too."

"I'm unhappy too, and I didn't cause any of this. None of you liked my responses, so you chose to be unhappy, with me, and with yourselves. I can love all of you, and feel bad that you're unhappy, but that doesn't mean I should let you coerce me into changing my mind. I'm entitled to not want to participate in things. If that ends up meaning I'll be all alone, then I'll deal with that. I grew up knowing I couldn't always get my own way. I paid the price for not giving in then, and I'm still willing to pay the price."