Chapter 14

Wednesday morning, I got to work before seven o'clock. I would have gotten in earlier, but Gerta had seen that I was looking tired and upset when I came downstairs at a little after five o'clock. She made me sit down with her in the kitchen for a long conversation. Hans was there as well, and they both told me that they were starting to worry about me.

I didn't want to worry either of them, but, the past couple of weeks had taken its toll on me. I was trying to cope with everything as well as I could, but I was having difficulties with the mechanisms I was adopting to help me deal with my sense of loss.

"Part of this is because of Bunny, Kenny. Like Hans and me, you are suffering from his loss, but you are too busy with trying to take care of everything else to deal with that. When Shirley left, that was even more you had to cope with. Are you having problems at work also?"

"No, in fact, things are really starting to come around at work. I do miss Uncle Bunny though. I think I'm handling this thing with Shirley okay, probably better than you all expected. I had this really bad dream this morning, and that kept me from being able to get back to sleep."

"I keep some pills for your Mama, Kenny, from the doctor. They are to help her sleep when she isn't feeling too good. It is important that you get your rest."

"I'm worried that I'm doing things that will end up hurting people. It's like I'm mad at everyone that doesn't do what I want them to do. I'm really afraid about some of the things I'm thinking of doing. That isn't how I want to be acting. I think Uncle Bunny would be ashamed of me."

"Never! Don't even think that way, Kenny. He would never be ashamed of you, never. Who are you mad at, Shirley?"

"I'm not sure about if I'm mad at her or not. I'm mad at this girl, Ellen, and at Brenda Connor still. Maybe I'm a little mad at Shirley too, because she is one of the people that I've been thinking about not treating very well. Mostly though, its Brenda that I'm still mad at."

"Thinking is not the same as doing, Kenny. Sometimes, we have thoughts about revenge, but that is only our minds working off some of the angry feelings we have. It is like a safety valve. We don't really want to do those things, we just want to pretend we're going to do them, so that we can feel better, later, about not doing anything."

"Suppose I was really wanting to do those things?" Hans laughed when I said that, and he and Gerta had a conversation in rapid fire German. I couldn't understand any of it, because they were deliberately talking too fast for me to hear the individual words they were speaking. Whatever they were saying, Hans kept saying "Ja!", and Gerta kept yelling "Nein!" After a short time, all of us were laughing.

"Kenny, this bad thing you are wanting to do, it is with sex?" Hans had a way of always turning our conversations around to sex. "You are thinking of doing something with another girl?"

"It isn't really about sex, Hans. It's more about controlling someone, and humiliating them at the same time."

"This is Brenda?"

"She's the primary one, but I've had bad thoughts about Shirley, and some other girls too. It gets mixed up, but I'm pretty sure that Uncle Bunny wouldn't like what I've been thinking about." I really didn't want to get into talking about my specific thoughts with Hans. I knew he'd just try to encourage me to do those things. With Gerta, alone, I might have been able to discuss what I had been considering. I didn't like the way my having these thoughts and ideas was causing me problems already. I thought it would probably be a lot worse once I actually put any of my thoughts into action.

"Don't worry about any of this, Kenny. You're a very nice boy. You wouldn't really do anything to hurt somebody else. Hans is right in what he said. If it is something that is only sex, it doesn't hurt if you play games, or do some pretend stuff. Make sure that no one gets hurt though. Your Mama said that Brenda might be coming over here?"

"Did she? We've been discussing something, but I don't know for sure yet. She's the one I've been thinking about doing things to. Things that would be punishment for what she did to me before." I saw Hans nodding his head, like he'd been right all along. He barked out something in German again and Gerta blushed, and then sent a warm smile over to him.

"Hans thinks Brenda needs a good spanking. He has volunteered to hold her in place for you while you give her one. He is just a dirty old man, hoping to watch, that's all. Kenny, the important thing, the thing you must always remember, is to not do anything so bad that it would cause you to be ashamed of yourself. You have to be able to live with whatever you decide to do. It isn't such a bad thing, that you are feeling angry enough to wish to strike back at some people. Bunny needed to learn how to do that, but he never really stood up and hit back. Hans thinks he'd have lived longer if he had let loose with his anger more. I don't know. Bunny was Bunny, and I wouldn't have changed anything about him."

"He loved Brenda, Gerta, and he wouldn't want me to be doing any of what I've been thinking about doing with her." I had gotten into the crux of it with them now. I wasn't worried about Brenda, or about any of her feelings. I was concerned with how my late Uncle Bunny would have viewed what I was planning on doing. I felt bad too, because Mama had asked me to help Brenda, for Uncle Bunny's sake, and what I was planning on doing to her wasn't what I'd call helping her.

I was walking out my front door ten minutes later, and Hans was standing over by my car, carrying some hedge trimmers in his hand. He tried to act casual, but I knew he was there waiting for me.

"Bunny, he spanked that Georgia many times. She liked being spanked. Maybe her daughter is the same way, Kenny. Through all the years, that woman always behaved the best, right after getting a good spanking with one of Bunny's paddles."

"I wasn't thinking about spanking her, Hans. I was thinking about making her do sex stuff with people she didn't want to have sex with. Other girls."

"Well, I don't know too much about that kind of thing. If you want to try spanking her though, come see me first, because I have all of Bunny's paddles now. I took them from his house after he died. If you need my help, I can teach you about paddling. You don't want to hit too hard, but not too soft either."

"I don't think so, at least not any time soon. Did Uncle Bunny really punish Mrs. Connor?"

"Hah, yes, frequently. She was always doing things so that he had to. Bunny's father liked to paddle his women too. When you said control and humiliate before, this is what I thought you meant. Gerta says I am a dirty old man, and maybe she is right. I have learned though, women appreciate firmness in their men. If you aren't strong with them, they will walk all over you."

"Like how Gerta does with you?"

"In the kitchen, ja. In the bedroom, it is a much different thing. You have to be firm with them, sometimes. Not all the time. As long as they know you have some firm limits."

"I've got to go to work, Hans. I'll think about what you've told me. I can't really see myself spanking Brenda. I wouldn't feel comfortable with hurting her that way."

"The other way, maybe that is a worse hurt for her? She is still a very young girl. Perhaps you shouldn't change the way she feels about herself? I don't know what you mean when you say you want to humiliate her with girls."

"I've really got to go, Hans. Don't worry, I'm not even sure I'm going to do anything. I was considering some things, but I would be letting Brenda decide if she was willing to do them or not. I wasn't planning to force her."

"Bunny would sometimes ask for my advice. He knew he was too easygoing. In many ways, he admired people who weren't soft. His father was very strong, maybe too strong. Because of his father's strength, Bunny felt he was too weak. I thought he was strong where he needed to be, but never around women. He never enjoyed the paddling. If it were up to him, he wouldn't have done it."

"Who else could it be up to?"

"His father. It started because Senior paddled her for something. He only agreed to stop paddling her, when Bunny told him he'd do it himself."

I left the house, driving slowly towards Bolling. It was hard for me to form a picture of Uncle Bunny with a paddle in his hand. Strangely though, I could easily picture Mama with a paddle in hers. The other picture I had in my mind was of old Mr. Chalmers. From everything I'd heard, he was a fearsome man. In spite of that, or maybe because of it, the people who knew him expressed admiration for him. I was glad I hadn't known him. I think he would have scared me.

I had grown up thinking that Mother Superior was the scariest person in the world. In my world, she had been. From what I'd heard about him, Senior Chalmers was the scariest person in his world, and he seemed to have enjoyed being that. I wondered if Mother Superior enjoyed having people be afraid of her. She must have, because she never stopped being like she had been when I lived at the orphanage. I didn't know any kid that lived there that wasn't afraid of her. All the other nuns were leery of her as well.

I was sitting at my desk, killing time, waiting for Joyce to come into work. I had been rehearsing what I was going to say to her. I wanted her to know that the activities of the day before hadn't committed her to any course of action, and that I didn't have any expectations of her, as far as any personal business like that. She had to understand that she was free to not participate at any time. I didn't want her feeling like she had to go along with anything because I was her boss and I expected it of her.

I believed I had understood her interest, but I wanted to make sure that she understood this was a purely voluntary activity as far as I was concerned. Just based on what happened to her when she was eleven, I thought she might have gotten some misconceptions about normal sexual behavior. She was pretty vulnerable too, because of her lack of personal experience.

When Uncle Bunny had rescued me, I'd been even more innocent than Joyce was. I had been curious, and Bea had helped me learn a lot of things very quickly. I didn't become like Bea was though. I took what she showed me and then I had kept only what I was comfortable with. Joyce was smarter than me, she wouldn't have any trouble with sorting out what was comfortable to her, or in determining what wasn't comfortable. I didn't want to be a corrupting influence on her.

She came in a little before eight o'clock, dropping her purse on her desk and coming right into my office. She sat down in that same side chair she'd sat in the day before.

"Did Brenda call you last night?" She didn't waste time with any preliminaries. She wanted to get right back into it, not even pausing to say hello, or to complain about the traffic, like she usually would. Joyce had become concerned with every small traffic incident, and it was because she now had that big, beautiful, Lincoln to worry about.

"No. She wasn't supposed to call me until tonight anyway. I already told Gerta that you were probably coming to spend the weekend with us. She wants to know what kind of foods you like. Gerta is a fabulous cook. I told her you like spicy foods, but I didn't know what your favorites might be."

"I don't really have any favorites. Whatever the rest of you like. What kind of clothes should I bring?" Like me, she took it as a given that she was going to be coming to the house for the weekend. I was relieved that this was already decided.

"We could go over to the country club to go swimming if you'd like, so you would need a bathing suit. There's a dance at the club on Saturday night. We could go to that too. That's pretty dressy. We dress a little bit for dinner too. Any kind of dress would be fine."

"I don't have any dressy clothes. They don't make too many really dressy things for people in my size. I have my confirmation dress, it still fits me, but it's fancy, like for a wedding, not really right for a dance. I don't dance anyway. I never learned. I can't swim either."

"I can't swim either. I can dance, but mostly, I just shuffle back and forth. It isn't that hard to learn. I know this dress shop my mother uses here in town, and they can make anything you want in your size. You show them the picture of any dress you like, and they take your measurements and make it for you. They can make it in a day or two."

"Is it expensive?"

"I don't know, but I have an expense account anyway. Dad will probably be talking about business whenever we eat together, so I think it's a legitimate business expense. We'll have them make two new dresses for you. We can go there at lunchtime if you want to. I'll drop you off and then I'll go over to the deli and get us some sandwiches while you're being fitted. Do you have a bathing suit?"

"Yes, but it isn't fancy."

"Mine isn't either. Just as long as it covers the important places. Gerta's going to be disappointed if I don't tell her a few of your favorite dishes though. She wants to make a good impression on you."

"Why would she want to do that?"

"Because you're a friend of mine, and because she's heard my father talking about how much you've done for the company. Same thing with Mama. In our house, people who help us to make more money, they are treated nice. Mama is going to love you. There aren't that many girls that my father raves about as far as their business abilities go. In fact, you and Virginia are the only two, unless you count some of the ladies that work at the plant. They aren't on the executive floor though. My father brags about very few people. My mother knows that, so she'll already know you're someone special, just from what my Dad has already said about you."

"I don't really believe you, Kenny. I haven't really done that much."

"You'll see. Tell me your favorite dessert at least. I can't go back to Gerta empty handed."

"I like strawberry shortcake, with really sweet strawberries, and real whipping cream. I like chicken and dumplings and I like anything with chocolate on it, or in it. Tell her that I don't want her to do anything special for me."

"I'll tell her, but it won't do any good. You'll see." I was anxious to talk to her about what had been troubling me, and what I was worried about as far as her participation went. With her sitting right there, I wasn't sure how I should begin. Did I just start talking about it? Should I ask her some questions first, and see if I could draw her out enough so I'd know where she stood about all of this? I was trying to decide how to begin, when she spoke up herself, and saved me the trouble of making that decision.

"I didn't sleep too good last night." She again had her head bent down, not looking at me when she spoke. This was a pattern that I later learned to recognize meant she was having doubts about herself.

"We don't have to do anything with Brenda. I wouldn't want to, not if it would bother you."

"No, that isn't it at all." She raised her head up when she said this. she looked and sounded like she was close to panic, wanting to correct my mistaken interpretation of what she'd said. "I couldn't sleep because I was thinking about everything we talked about. I'm not used to having all these exciting things going on when I'm anywhere around to see them. I didn't get out much when I was younger."

"I didn't get out either, but these past two years that I have gotten out, they've been pretty exciting for me. I did more in the first month after I left the orphanage, than I did in my whole lifetime before. I hadn't even really talked to any girls before, and then I met Bea, and she showed me a lot of things and told me about some more stuff. She was like my teacher about girls, and about doing stuff with them."

"I've wanted to learn things, but I didn't have anybody that wanted to teach me. I've seen movies though, and I've watched people at school and stuff, but I don't have much of my own actual experience. I have a good imagination though, and I read a lot. I know about a lot of things people do, but only from movies and books. The only real stuff I ever did was that one time when I was eleven. That time kind of made me not want to do anything else. It hurt me a lot, and it scared me too."

"You don't ever have to do anything, Joyce, that isn't what I was trying to make you think. I want to make sure that you understand that. I said things, but they were to get Brenda to make a decision, not to try to get you to participate. I didn't invite you to go home with me because I wanted you to do stuff with us. I thought you might find it interesting, and maybe you'd like to watch some of it, but I didn't want you to feel like anything was going to be expected of you. That bothered me last night, when I thought about it, because I was afraid you maybe felt like I was pressuring you to participate."

"Oh. I thought that's what you meant when you asked me that question about Brenda."

She looked and sounded disappointed when she said that. I had gotten the feeling from watching her face the day before, that she had gotten somewhat excited when I told her I thought I could get Brenda to do anything I wanted her to. I was worried that she thought I also meant I could get her to do anything too, but I didn't feel that way. I also didn't want her trying to do something because she thought it would please me.

"I meant it to let you know that you could include yourself, but only if that was what you wanted. If it would please you to have me see if Brenda would do something with you."

"I thought that was what you meant. That's what I was thinking about last night. About whether I wanted to see if you could make her do something or not. Do you remember when you asked me if I wanted a big car or a small one?"

"Yes, you wanted the biggest one. Your car is so big now, that you have trouble sitting in your seat, and still reaching the pedals."

"Yes, I got some pedal extenders now, but I love the size of it. Did you know I slept in the back seat the first night I brought the car home? I love that car, and its a symbol to me now. A symbol of all the changes I want to make in my life. I want to change almost everything. Mostly though, I want to make myself different than I have been. I want to stop being so afraid of everything. I've always been afraid of big people, of pretty women and handsome men. I'm afraid of whatever I'm not, and I don't want to be that way anymore. Everything I'm seeing and doing now is brand new to me. Like flying in that plane to Omaha, and sitting up front with Dick. He even let me steer the plane for a few minutes. I never dreamed I would be flying a plane myself. Working here for you, I've already done more than I have in the whole time I was growing up. That was all I was expecting or hoping for, business things, before you started talking to your mother yesterday. That is a whole different part of the changes I want to make."

"Maybe what I'm talking about with Brenda, that should be saved for later, after you've had a chance to learn a lot of other things first. You don't want to start out by trying to jump off a cliff, maybe you need to try climbing down slowly and carefully at first."

"But, I don't know how long I'll have the chances I have now. You're leaving here in early August, to go back to school. By myself, I won't ever get these kinds of opportunities. You probably get more opportunities in a week, than I'd get in five years. I'll never get a chance to meet people like you, Brenda, or Emily again. People with my looks don't usually get to hang out with the beautiful, rich, country club, crowd. Yesterday when you told Brenda you were going to use that three million dollars to help homely girls get plastic surgery? I was hoping you'd pick me as one of those girls. I was worried that you would think I was so bad looking that I couldn't even be helped by having the surgery. I've been hiding all my life, because I would have been excluded from things anyway because of my appearance. Hiding was a better choice than rejection. When you're nearly invisible to them, people aren't as likely to be hurtful to you."

"Joyce, I've noticed your appearance, but that was mostly in the beginning, before I got to know how good you were at working with me. I don't think about it too much anymore, just like I don't spend all of my time wondering how I look. I think I understand how your appearance could make a lot of things harder for you, but I'm pretty sure you could still have gotten more experience than you have."

"You think you know, but you don't. Your looks have always helped you. You don't have to think about it, because the consequences of looking like you do have all been good ones. Brenda has gotten by on her looks according to you, and she was so good looking she didn't even have to try to make people like her by treating them well. That's just the opposite of my experience. It may be mean of me to feel like this, but, just for awhile, I'd like to see the tables get turned around, where people who look like me get to lord it over the people who look like you and Brenda. It would be like my new car is, a symbol to me."

"We haven't done anything to you personally, Joyce. I haven't done anything to hurt you. I don't think I lorded it over you either."

"That isn't what I meant, Kenny. I meant that the same people always get the best of everything, because of how they look, or the money, or position their family has. For once, I'd like to see it all be reversed. Reversed so that I get to stand at the top of the mountain, instead of having to hide way down at the bottom, standing off somewhere in the shadows."

"That's what happened when we had you negotiating with Mrs. Taylor, Joyce. You were at the top of our mountain, even ahead of my father. You were put in charge of a very important negotiation. People don't just give others that kind of power easily, or for no reason. If you spend all your time and energy going around looking for every sleight or insult offered to you, you'll see plenty, but you might miss out on all the applause and the congratulations offered too, because you are only allowing yourself to be tuned into the bad parts."

"I enjoyed that time too, Kenny. It made me feel really good. I couldn't even begin to tell you how much fun I've had doing this job with you. Like I said though, it might be for just this one short time. I want to experience as much as I can, while I'm in a position to do it. This thing we were talking about, with Brenda and Emily? You have no idea of how great an impact it has had on me. It has been the highlight of my social lifetime already, and nothing has even happened yet. I've already gotten more sexual pleasure out of thinking about what might happen, than I've had from a lifetime of my other fantasies combined. Do you know why? Because this time, it could turn out to be real. I know how pathetic that makes my whole life sound, but it's true. I've got this picture of Brenda in my brain, and I can see her being made to do things that she hates doing. I see the pecking order being turned upside down, and I can see her being made to feel just like I'm used to feeling. Maybe its wrong, and disgusting, for me to get so much pleasure from thinking about her suffering like this, but I don't care. I really don't. She should have a chance to see what its been like for the rest of us. I'm so tired of having to sit back and envy people like her."