Chapter 45

Colonel DeBerg led the way to the nurse's station, where Lilly and I were welcomed back with our very own medical bracelets and a team of medtechs who scurried around taking our vital signs, poking and prodding us and making notes on charts. When they were done, Lilly was shown to her room along the hallway and the Colonel took me back to his office.

"It's good to see you again Ike. How've you been?" he asked, settling into his chair.

"Just dandy Colonel, thanks for asking. Let's see... since I last saw you I've killed several more people, including my ex-sister in law and most recently the Director of the FBI. How've you been?"

He stared blankly back for a moment and then blinked very slowly.

"You aren't kidding, are you?"

"Nope."

He blinked again. He started to say something and then closed his mouth abruptly.

"Please, whatever you do, don't ask me how I feel about it. I've already been thru all that with myself and come to the conclusion that I did what was necessary. I didn't like having to do what I did, but it's done."

"The Director of the FBI?" he asked incredulously.

I shrugged my shoulders. "He decided to roust me in public... or rather, he sent several agents to do it for him. I refused one invitation to go see him, so he decided to haul me, my girls, Anya and Mr. Jones in all at once, whether we wanted to come or not. I convinced his agents that they'd be better off listening to me, sent everyone else home and went to see the prick. Have you ever been to the FBI building Colonel? Nice place. Much nicer than the CIA's offices. Anyway, when I got there I met the Director and the President's National Security Advisor... got the Director to confess that he'd been asshole buddies with the unlamented Senator Mortenson and Congressman Bustamante, was guilty of stashing away millions in off-shore bank accounts and had been responsible, in part, for kidnapping me and the girls from this hospital and trying to kill us. So I killed him."

The Colonel frowned. "I see... I think. And the National Security Advisor? What about him?"

"He's fine. As far as I could tell he had nothing to do with any of it."

"He saw you kill the man and you just let him live?"

I smiled slightly. "You sound disappointed."

Colonel DeBerg sputtered and drew himself up straighter in his chair. "I didn't mean..." he began, his face getting red.

I raised a hand, chuckling. "Take it easy Colonel. I'm just pulling your leg. He didn't see anything more than me with my hand on the Director's shoulder. The man died. Heart failure or possibly a stroke, who knows? MacGill may think I caused it to happen, but proving it... that's rather unlikely. Besides, he wasn't at all pleased to discover what his President's hand picked man had been up to any more that I was."

"And your, what did you say... ex-sister in law? What about her?"

I could feel the muscles in my face go slack. "That was also necessary, but for entirely different reasons. I decided to go to Dover and say goodbye to my wife. She's buried in her family's plot there. I wasn't allowed, or physically able to go to her funeral. The girls went with me and we met Carlie's little sister at the gravesite. Pretty girl, a little younger than I am... and also gifted."

"Like yours?"

"No... different. Telepathic. She could read thoughts and memories the way I read emotions, but she could also manipulate those thoughts. I have no idea how long it had been going on, but I believe that she'd been playing god, or at least puppet master, in that town for several years. She set the local Sheriff's department on us and then tried to manipulate me into following her. Lilly and Izzy shot her, thinking they were saving me. I was never in any real danger, but don't you dare tell them that. Anyway, she was dying from the bullet wounds so I finished her off. The poor girl actually thought she was a god, even at the very end."

"Could you have helped her? The way you helped Lilly and Peg?"

"Maybe. I don't know. That's one of the many maybes I'll just have to live with... and why I don't want the girls to ever know anything more about it than they do. They did a very brave thing, coming to my rescue."

"They'll never hear it from me." he promised. "On a similar topic, I have a problem on the ward along similar lines that you might be able to help me with."

"Oh? You've got a telepath with delusions of godhood?"

He laughed softly. "Close. An Army Lt. Colonel... a National Guard chaplain who is being forced to resign his commission. It seems he started preaching, loudly and in public, against the war, the President, the Pentagon, the Joint Chiefs, the Central Command, the Pope, and pretty much everyone who does not share his personal vision of God's will."

"Is he a psycho?"

"Technically, no. Just self absorbed and very foolish."

"Then why is he here in the hospital? Shouldn't he be under house arrest in the BOQ?"

Colonel DeBerg sighed heavily. "Under normal circumstances, yes. But the man has... connections, if you get my meaning."

My lip curled in a half sneer, half snarl. "State politics... what is he, brother-in-law to the governor of what ever state he's from?"

"Bingo. Give the man a cigar. He requested to be kept here while they process him out. He sees this as a golden opportunity to convert the ungodly and unrighteous."

"Naturally. Decent god-fearing people wouldn't be in a place like this, would they?"

"You've got it. And I'm stuck with him for another two weeks. Since he's been here, spreading the good word, we've had to up the levels of anti-depressants and sedatives for almost all the patients. The man is a menace and there's nothing I can do about him. But maybe you can."

"You could sedate the hell out of him and keep him in bed for two weeks."

DeBerg cocked an eyebrow at me. "First, that would violate my Hippocratic oath, which I take rather seriously. Second, I considered doing just that last week, but the man won't take any medication and I can't force him."

I smiled broadly at the man across the desk from me. He wasn't nearly the stuffed shirt I'd taken him for when we met the first time.

"Okay Colonel. I'll see what I can do. I can't kill him... Lilly wouldn't like it, but short of that..."

The Colonel grinned. "They really have been a positive influence on you, haven't they?"

I smiled in return. "Colonel, they've kept me sane and reminded me what love and living are all about."

"Excellent. I couldn't prescribe a better therapy. You'll find the chaplain in your old group... they should just be getting started. On your way there, would you ask Lilly to come see me? I'd like to talk with her."

"Sure thing."

I took my bag and headed out and down the hallway to the room I'd seen Lilly taken to. I found her putting the last of her clothes away. I rapped on the open door lightly with a couple of knuckles. Lilly turned at the sound and seeing it was me broke into a brilliant smile.

"How's it going beautiful?" I asked, returning her smile. She stopped what she was doing and rushed over into my arms. We exchanged hugs for a few seconds and then she pulled back.

"This place was never very pleasant, but it feels even worse than I remember." she told me.

I nodded and told her what Colonel DeBerg had told me about his sky pilot problem.

"He asked me to see if there's anything I can do."

"Like what you did with Auggie?" she asked.

I shrugged. "Probably not quite like that. We'll see what happens. Oh yeah, the Colonel requests the honor of your presence for a brief chat. I have to get to the group and see just what I'm up against." I gave her a brief kiss. "See you at the morning meeting."

"Play nice with the other children." she told me.

"Yes ma'am."

Lilly ducked around me and headed off towards the Colonel's office. I watched her walk away and breathed a soft sigh.

My bag and I traversed the remainder of the hall to the closed double doors of the men's open bay. As I got closer I could hear a loud voice coming from within. I pushed one of the doors open and strode in.

The door swung closed behind me as I looked around the room. I spotted what looked to be an unoccupied bed on my left, dropped my bag on the mattress and turned to the circle of chairs on my right.

There were eight people sitting on chairs, most with their backs to me. Walt and Auggie were gone, but Tim and David were still there, as was Lt. Janice Watson the group moderator. The other five I didn't know, but the one doing all the talking just had to be the chaplain.

"... feel like you've lost your way in life? Are you feeling utterly helpless, worn out, in body and soul? If you're riddled with doubts and terrors then God's eternal love is ready and willing to help you up, and revive you. God's eternal light is ready to show you the way; God's heavenly peace is ready to give you peace. If you feel full of sins and faults take heart; for God's unchangeable will can take away those sins, and purge you from those faults. All you have to do is accept Jesus into your heart and life and you too can be saved." the man chanted in a loud and sing-song baritone.

He was one of the ones facing away from me, so he didn't see me walk up behind him, but Tim did and his bored expression slowly changed into one of delight.

"Ike?" He slowly got to his feet and moved towards me.

"How are you Tim?" I stepped into the circle and the two of us hugged like long lost brothers.

"We heard you got hit by a car." he told me, in the longest sentence I'd ever heard come out of the man.

"Yeah, right in front of the Lincoln Memorial. Damn buddy, you're looking good. Much better than the last time I was here. Going home soon?"

"I hope so." I clapped him on the shoulder and looked around the circle.

"Still here Dave? How are you holding up?"

The young man grinned up at me from his seat. "I'm cool Ike. Good to see you up and moving around. I saw the fight you had with the blond chick in the hall the last night you were here. You didn't look so good man."

"I was just tired. Getting hit by a car kinda takes it out of you, know what I mean?"

He bobbed his head happily.

Tim returned to his chair and I turned to Lt. Watson. "Mind if I sit in Doc?"

"Not at all Ike. It's good to see you again. Pull up a chair."

I went to the wall where the folding metal chairs were stacked and brought it back to the circle and sat down, stretching my legs out in front of me so they pointed at the man who'd been talking when I first came in.

I looked up at the clock that hung on the wall next to the double doors and then back to Lt. Watson.

"This is group therapy, right? For a second I thought I'd walked into a revival meeting."

"Billy-Bob was just sharing his... views with us."

I turned my head and locked eyes with the man.

Have you ever met a person for the very first time and immediately realized that you disliked them? Of course you have. We all have. The way they look, the way they act, the way they talk... you're never sure what it is that grates on your nerves, but it grates like fingernails on a chalkboard.

All I knew about the man was what Colonel DeBerg had told me. That his name was Billy-Bob and the few words I'd heard him speak were an added bonus that only served to reinforce my first impression of the man. The moment I looked into his eyes I knew I didn't like this man. I hadn't even linked with him and I knew he and I were never going to be friends; cordial adversaries at best.

"Are you a psychologist or psychiatrist, Billy-Bob?" I asked the man.

"No brother, I'm a chaplain."

I winced slightly. "Let's you and me get one thing clear from the start, chaplain; I'm not your brother and you don't want to be my brother. I don't like my brother... he's an asshole."

"We're all brothers in the eyes of the Lord." He intoned patronizingly.

"Says who?" I asked.

"The revealed word of God. 'For whosoever shall do the will of my Father who is in heaven, he is my brother.' Matthew, chapter twelve, verse fifty."

He was a large man, about six one, and easily my weight, with a round, fleshy, florid face and fine thinning hair the color of corn silk. His piggy blue eyes glared at me and his jowly face smiled crookedly. He looked like a used car salesman and radiated the same kind of false affability you'd expect from someone in that line of work.

I nodded my head at his words and returned his false smile with one of my own.

"'For whosoever shall do the will of my Father who is in heaven, he is my brother, and sister, and mother.' Complete your quotations, chaplain. 'Be not rash with thy mouth, and let not thine heart be hasty to utter any thing before God; for God is in heaven, and thou upon earth: therefore let thy words be few.' Ecclesiastes, chapter five, verse two." I said, letting my false smile fade away.

"'Trust in Jehovah with all thy heart, and lean not upon thine own understanding.' Proverbs, three-five." His false smile grew larger.

"'Give me understanding, and I shall keep thy law; Yea, I shall observe it with my whole heart.' Psalms one nineteen-thirty four." I sat up straight in my seat. "I don't believe we've been properly introduced. I'm Ike Blacktower. Who the hell are you?"

"Lt. Colonel William Robert Williams. Reverend Williams to my flock back home in Indiana. Folks around here call me Billy-Bob. Have you been saved, Brother Ike?"

I felt my lip curling up at the corner of my mouth. "Saved from what? And I warned you once already, rabbi, I'm not your brother. You only get two freebies. Third strike and you're out."

His eyes widened as much as the fleshy folds of his face would allow.

I sat back in my chair and looked around the circle. "I don't know the rest of you folks either, but then I've been gone for a while. I hope you'll forgive my bad manners and short temper... I'm not too happy to be back here. They made me come back so the Army could retire me on Wednesday."

"Lucky bastard." one of the guys I didn't know muttered under his breath.

"You never did tell the group why the Army sent you here in the first place." Lt. Watson reminded me. "Colonel DeBerg told me that you wouldn't be violating any secrets by talking about what happened. That is, if you feel like talking about it."

I looked around the circle at their faces and saw that they were interested... more in having someone other than Billy-Bob talk than anything else.

"Sure, why not. I was volunteered into joining an intel unit that was going to Saudi for Desert Shield. Prior to that I was a CID agent. So the unit I got stuck in was sent off to Saudi..." and I told them an abbreviated version of how I got to Walter Reed. "... and on Wednesday the Army is going to retire me for medical reasons, because I talk to myself and they're afraid I might snap and go off on a killing spree. So now you know why I'm here."

I relaxed and stretched out full length, my eyes locked on the ruddy red face of the chaplain.

"Why are you here, preacher?" I asked.

His beady blue eyes narrowed and every muscle in his beefy body tensed up.

"I'm resigning my commission and leaving the Army." he said, trying to sound jovial.

"Really... why would a chaplain feel the need to resign his commission?" I asked, letting a hint of puzzled curiosity tinge my words.

"A difference of opinion with my superiors." he replied blandly.

I nodded my head. "Yeah, that has been known to happen." I looked down at my feet for a moment then lifted my eyes back up and stared into his. "'If any man among you seem to be religious, and bridleth not his tongue, but deceiveth his own heart, this man's religion is vain.' James, one-twenty six."

Billy-Bob's lips thinned and his face grew even more flushed.

"I hardly think an admitted killer is in any position to pass judgment on my calling or my faith." he snarled at me, all trace of his earlier good humor had vanished.

"'Judge not, that ye be not judged, for with what judgment ye judge, ye shall be judged: and with what measure ye mete, it shall be measured unto you.' Matthew, seven-one and two."

"You defile the word of the Lord with every breath you take!" His voice rose in volume.

"'In all things showing thyself an ensample of good works; in thy doctrine uncorruptness, gravity, sound speech, that cannot be condemned; that he that is of the contrary part may be ashamed, having no evil thing to say of us.' Titus, two-seven and eight." I said softly in response.

"You blasphemous son of a bitch!" he roared, springing to his feet, his hands clenching into fists that he struggled to keep down by his sides.

"Now is that any way for a chaplain to talk?" I asked conversationally.

He took a stiff step towards me and I sat up, pulling my legs in, ready to stand.

"Think very carefully about your next move, Billy-boy. I've already killed more than a hundred people this year. And you... what, you've killed a six-pack or two at church picnic now and again?"

I stood up and set my weight evenly on the balls of my feet. I stared down at the puffy middle aged man in front of me and linked with him. He was a mass of conflicting emotions and feelings. A burning mass of self-assurance and self-confidence, mixed with self-love, righteous indignation, anger, and hatred along with a healthy dose of disgust mixed with fear.

"Billy, you don't belong here and you sure as hell aren't wanted; you're not helping anybody and you're on the verge of pissing me off! I strongly suggest that from now on you stay out of these groups, keep your religious opinions to yourself unless someone comes to you and asks, and stay out of my way."

We stood staring at one another, the chaplain clenching and unclenching his hands and me ready to lash out at the first hint of violent movement from him, when Lt. Watson stood up.

"Well, I think that's enough for today. I'll see you all tomorrow." she told the sitting members of the group.

The rest of them got up and put their chairs away and filed out, giving Billy-Bob and I a wide berth.

We continued to stare.

"Ike? It's time for the ward meeting." I heard Lilly call from the doorway.

"Okay honey." I replied, broke eye contact with the chaplain and walked around him. I gathered Lilly into my arms and gave her a gentle hug.

"Have you been fighting?" she asked me, reproach in her voice.

"A little verbal sparring. Hardly a fight."

"I told you to play nice." she said, squeezing me around the waist.

"I was nice... really I was. Look, no blood."

She laughed as we walked the short distance to the dayroom and found a seat together on one of the couches.

"Did you have a nice chat with the Colonel?" I asked her, as the other residents began filing in and taking their seats.

"Very nice. For the most part. Lewis has been looking for me. I think he has the final divorce papers for me to sign."

I looked down at my sweet girl and put my arm around her shoulder. "Having second thoughts?"

Lilly snuggled in closer and patted my thigh. "Nothing like that. I'm just not thrilled at the idea of seeing him again. I'll be glad when he, and everything connected with him, are behind me."

"No public displays of affection, sergeant." I heard an arrogant voice commanding from my right. I turned my head slightly and saw Billy-Bob standing next to the couch, arms crossed over his chest.

"Or what, Billy-boy? You gonna throw me out of the Army? Sit down, shut the hell up and mind your own damn business." I said pleasantly and turned back to Lilly. "Ignore the asshole, baby. And don't worry about Lewis either. When he shows up I'll be right here with you. You sign the papers and it's all over and done with. Then we can move on with the rest of our lives."

She smiled that brilliant smile I remember from the first time I met her and my heart melted all over again. I love Lilly's smile. It makes even the most depressing places brighter and bearable.

During our long absence there had been new elections, so the meeting was conducted by people we didn't know, but they ran things pretty much the way I had. There was a sense of despondency filling the room that started to irritate me, and was made even worse when Billy-Bob got to his feet after the role call had been taken.

"Before we start I think we should all join in prayer." he said loudly.

"Why?" I asked.

"To ask for the Lord's blessing and forgiveness for our sins, which are the main reason why each and every one of you is suffering."

I stared at the man and tensed up.

"Ike..." Lilly warned softly.

"I know, play nice." I stood up and looked around the room. Nearly every person there was looking down at their laps. "Billy, you are so full of shit it's a wonder it doesn't come squirting out your ears."

He opened his mouth to speak and I continued on, not giving him the chance to say another word.

"Lilly and I have been gone for a while so I know most of you don't know me; my name is Ike Blacktower. I get the impression that way too many of you have been listening to the chaplain here and you've started believing that the reason you're here on the ward is because you've committed some kind of sin and God is punishing you. That is a load of shit! Most of you are here because you either have some kind of chemical imbalance or you've gotten confused. Simple as that. Sin hasn't got a damn thing to do with it. Religion hasn't got a damn thing to do with it. You've had to listen to him for a couple of weeks, and I feel for you. I listened to him for a few minutes this morning and I was close to losing my mind. Billy-boy likes to quote the Bible, and I'm sure he spent a lot of years studying it so he could do just that. But the problem, as I see it, is that he spent all that time studying and came away with a flawed understanding of what it really says. I read the Bible once when I was ten. My mother thought there were some good lessons in it and that I could learn something from them. I'll tell you what I got out of reading that book. The Old Testament is about loyalty and keeping your word. Period. The New Testament is about love and sacrifice. And when I say love, I don't mean sex; I mean compassion, understanding, tolerance, forgiveness, sacrifice and patience."

I looked around and some of their heads lifted and their eyes were watching me.

"Despair and hopelessness are why most of you are here. They are the soul crushers, the life killers. Not sin. Sin is a religions term for breaking the law. Despair and hopelessness, either chemically or emotionally induced... that's what drains the joy from our lives. And the best cure for either one that I know of is love. Care about someone else's pain and suffering more than you care about your own. Befriend someone, listen to them, share your life, show your compassion, your understanding, hold them, comfort them and let them know they aren't alone. No one wants to feel alone, because that leads to hopelessness. There are people here who understand how you feel, who might even feel the same way you do. They understand and they won't condemn you or shun you or push you aside. Don't be afraid of one another or of your own pain. And be loyal; stand together, support one another. You are a family, united by your shared suffering, understanding and willingness to help each other. You can leave this place stronger, more confident and more whole than you were. Love saved me. I've felt the hand of death, the pain of loss, the guilt of surviving when I knew I shouldn't have, and I lived with those feelings as my only companions for three long, lonely years. I stopped caring about anything and anyone. I couldn't kill myself, so I went somewhere I knew would probably get me killed. But love saved me; a single, solitary memory of love and the possibility that I might rediscover it again. People I met here on this ward, people who died, people who've moved on with their lives, people who are still here... they all helped to save me from despair and gave me hope. You can have that too, if you don't give in and don't give up."