Chapter 44

By the time my five new FBI moles dropped me off at the front door of CIA Headquarters it was a quarter to four in the morning. I'd collected their individual business cards and given each of them numerical designations, one thru five, so I'd have a way to identify any messages they might end up leaving. I got out of the minivan and sent them on their way.

The guards in the lobby saw me coming and couldn't rush me thru the security checkpoint fast enough. Taking the elevator I got off at Dr. Wills'... our floor and left a note for him to find in the morning, complete with the offshore account numbers and how much money he could expect to find, assuming he got there before MacGill's people did. I slid the note under his door, went back to the elevator and rode it up to the roof, where I found a helicopter and pilot waiting for me.

A man could easily get used to service like that.

I was my usual quiet self on the flight home, perhaps a little more sullen and taciturn than in recent weeks... I had some worrisome thoughts flitting about in my head and no matter how hard I tried to ignore them they just wouldn't leave me be.

I thanked the pilot as he set the helicopter down on the front lawn and jumped out, sprinting for the front door. I heard the rotors speed up behind me and the rush of cold air as the copter lifted up and swooped off into the cold dark morning.

I took the porch steps two at a time and, reaching the front door, turned the knob. Moving as quietly as I could, I stepped inside, shut the door behind me and started down the hallway. A rustling of fabric and a soft sigh from the living room caught my attention; I poked my head in and scanned the room.

There on the couch were my girls, huddled together for warmth across from a slowly dying heap of charcoal lumps in the fireplace.

They were still wearing their dresses from our night out, but had removed their shoes and put thick socks on over their feet.

I left them lying there, went upstairs to the linen closet and dug out a king-sized quilt which I took down and draped over their reclining bodies. Moving the fireplace screen aside I added several log sections to the barely glowing lumps that remained and fanned the fire back to life. Replacing the screen I got up, removed my overcoat and jacket, took off the double shoulder holster rig and put it and the pistols back in the gun locker hidden within the kitchen pantry. Coming back into the living room I settled myself into one of the chairs that faced the couch and kicked off my shoes. I eased back into the chair's embrace and watched my sweeties sleep... trying to relax and contemplating my latest violation of social morality and civil law. As the flames began to crackle and lick at the bark of the new logs and the smell of wood smoke slowly filled the room, I drifted off to sleep.

The landscape was flat and barren, devoid of vegetation and deathly silent. There was no sun, no moon, no stars in the reddish orange sky, no way to tell which direction I was walking. I was walking, toward what I had no idea, but I was moving. There didn't seem to be anything in front of me, and plenty more of the same to either side. Stopping, I turned around and looked behind and saw the exact same view. The silence became so intense and profound that it actually began to hurt my ears.

'Gotten your self a little lost, have you?'

"Looks that way." I replied. Turning back around I came face to face with my grandfather.

'You do have a knack for stepping off the path.' he told me.

"I can't even see the path. Everywhere I look is just more of the same nothing."

'Come with me. I'll show you the way back.'

He put an arm around my shoulders and we started walking... forward?

'You've killed again.' he said bluntly, without emotion.

"He deserved to die."

'Did he? You could have done to him what you did to the five men he sent after you.'

"I could do that to everyone who disagrees with me, but what would it accomplish?"

'They'd stop disagreeing with you.'

"Yeah, and then I'd be surrounded by soulless drones who'd do anything I told them to."

'Isn't that what you want?'

"Hell no. I just want them to leave me alone."

'Them who?'

"Idiots with power."

'Idiots with power... like you?'

"Like me..." I muttered.

'You don't actually think that you're the only one who feels this way, do you? Has it ever occurred to you that they see you in the exact same way you see them?'

"I didn't set out to hurt them. I didn't kidnap them or threaten them or try to kill them. Hell, I didn't even know who they were until they started after me."

'Ignorance isn't much of a defense as defenses go. But I get your point. Try and look at things from their perspective though... there they were, walking what they see as their paths, and you got in the way. You became an obstacle that had to be overcome or eliminated.'

"Then their paths are wrong." I growled.

'Sez you.'

"Yeah, sez me!"

'What gives you the right to decide that the path someone else is on is a good or bad one?'

"I give me the right."

'Being a tad judgmental, aren't you? You're hardly more than a kid and there's a lot you still don't know and don't understand. Do you really feel that you can adequately judge the actions and motivations of the rest of the world?'

"I'm not trying to judge the world. Only the individuals who've decided to lock horns with me."

'Alright, fair enough. Nature gave you a desire to survive for a reason. But you aren't the only one. It's a contest, and the rules are neither explicit nor fair. And there is no justice in this contest, no referee and no time outs.'

"So what is the point of the contest?"

'Who ever said there was a point? Far as I can tell, the contest is all there is.'

"If the contest is it then anything goes. Anything I do is justified as long as I keep competing."

'Justification, like most other concepts, is a human construct. A label for things or conditions that are. Outside of language they have no real substance. Try to explain fair or pity to a wolf or tiger. What does a snake know about compassion or honor?'

"For unreal constructs they sure do cause me no end of real problems."

'Oh, they're real enough. They aren't natural, but they are most definitely real. Human civilization has tried desperately to impose these rules on nature to improve its chances in the contest. To level out the playing field, as it were. But nature doesn't give a damn about our rules... and from time to time humans pop up who don't give a damn either.'

"If we all played the game without any rules there'd be chaos."

'Don't misunderstand me... there are rules. Humans have managed to move beyond the original rules, unlike most other creatures. For them the rules are locked in... think of them as instincts. Humans have very few instincts left. As time goes by we have fewer and fewer. Survival and procreation are about all that's left.'

"I'm confused, Granddad. What are you trying to tell me?"

'You are confused... you're trying to play the game by two very different sets of rules and the differences are what's eating you up inside. The civilized part of you wants to follow the established moral code and the natural part wants to say "fuck it" and do what's necessary to ensure you can keep playing.'

"Then there is no right or wrong way. Only what I choose."

'More or less, boy, more or less. You have the luxury of personal power, which pretty much ensures that you can freely do whatever the hell you want and get away with it. This kind of freedom will not make you popular with the rest of humanity, and at the very least it's gonna make them resentful.'

"And all of this means what, exactly?"

We stopped walking and Granddad spread his arms wide. I looked around and saw that the landscape had changed. Gone were the vast expanses of flat, dull, endless nothing, and in its place were mountains, valleys, streams, forests, green grass, animals of all types and a deep blue sky with a brilliant orange sun at the horizon.

Granddad stood smiling at me, his feet planted on a smooth pathway that continued off towards the mountains. 'What it means is that you know what the path looks like, and you know where it is. You always have. Your problem is one of doubt. Self doubt. You don't trust your own decisions. Ike, you are not like other people, and no matter how much you wish you were, you never will be like other people. You are going to spend your life moving among them and pretending to be like them, but you can never be like them... so stop trying. You'll be much happier and everyone around you will be too.'

"I'm not a god. I don't want to be a god."

'It's just a word... a label. Don't let yourself get handcuffed by labels. They only mean what you allow them to. If you don't want to be a god, then don't be a god. Be a hero, or a leader or a public servant or a sage or whatever label you feel comfortable with. Let others apply the label, and they will, believe me, no matter what you want. Just be who and what you are and walk your path the best way you know how.'

"And what about the obstacles?"

'Obstacles are meant to be overcome. How you overcome them is up to you.'

Granddad's image wavered, reforming itself into my mother.

'Try to be kind, when you can. The harder you are with other people the harder you'll end up being on yourself. You are a kind, gentle, sensitive and loving boy. Don't allow life to make you hard, cruel and uncaring.'

I reached out a hand to my mother's face, only to have her image waver and be replaced by the grinning, flame lipped, burning coal eyed, midnight black shape of my inner darkness.

'Stop feeling sorry for yourself, would you? Evaluate and critique your actions and decisions, sure... fine, but knock off the self-pity. You make me sick to my stomach when you do that. So you killed a self-important, ego-maniacal jerk wad. Big fuckin' deal! Did you have to kill him? No. Could you have handled it better? Maybe, maybe not. Personally, I'd have put that old man in our pocket. But that's me.' His grin widened and flames flared up, swirling around his head. 'You should be more concerned with keeping your feet on the path... bad things happen when you don't know where you stand.'

The darkness started laughing and pointed at my feet. I looked down. Not a foot from the edge of the path he stood on was a cliff with a bottomless chasm below it. And I was standing firmly in mid air, a foot and a half from the edge of the path.

I felt like Elmer Fudd as gravity grabbed hold and pulled me down towards the yawning abyss below. I threw out my arms, catching the edge of the cliff and franticly clutched for something to hang on to. My fingers brushed over what felt like a tree root and I latched on, gripping tightly and hanging on for dear life.

"Help... me!" I gasped.

The darkness was doubled over with laughter. Its form wavered and Peggy appeared in its place.

'Ike, what are you doing?' she asked me, moving closer and peering over the cliff's edge.

"Trying not to fall."

Lilly moved up next to her, taking Peggy's hand in her own.

'Do you want to fall?' Lilly asked me, concern on her face.

"Not really."

Izzy stepped up on Peggy's other side and took her remaining hand.

'Then don't.' my big sister said sweetly.

"As simple as that, huh?"