Chapter 18

The clock on the nightstand read 7:44 AM and my bladder was insisting I get up and do something to relieve the pressure. Giving Izzy a soft little kiss on the neck, I eased out from under the blankets, padded quietly to the door, unlocked it and slipped out, closing the door behind me.

I went down to the bathroom and emptied my bladder, washed my hands and face and rinsed out my mouth. My duffel bag, which held my shaving kit, was still outside in the rental car. I'd have to go out soon and bring it in. I was on my way back up to my room when I heard noises downstairs.

I went down the staircase and into the kitchen. I stood in the doorway and watched my father, dressed for work, making his own breakfast.

I'd never seen him doing anything this domestic before. That had always been one area that Mom had been in charge of. I watched him set up the coffee maker, whip up a rather fancy omelet, hash browns and toast. He seemed a little better than last night, but I was saddened to see how much older and smaller he looked.

He was just sitting down to eat when he noticed me watching him.

"Morning. Are you hungry? I can make you something..."

I smiled, actually touched by the offer.

"No, thanks. I'm not hungry right now. I would like some coffee though."

He started to get up, but I waved him back. "Go ahead and eat, I'll get it."

I poured myself a cup and sat down in Izzy's old place, next to my father.

"How is Isabeau doing?" he asked between bites.

"She's sleeping. How much do you know about what's been going on with her and Ricky?"

He shook his head. "Not a lot. She never talked to me much once she left for college. She won't talk to me now about why she came home or why she's so scared."

I sipped my coffee, wondering how much of what I suspected I ought to tell him.

"He's been beating her, and likely worse than that." I finally said.

Dad stopped eating and stared at me, his mouth hanging open. His eyes narrowed and I saw anger and rage building behind them.

"That son of a bitch... I'll kill him!" his words exploded from between clenched teeth.

I set down my cup on the table top, leaned forward and looked my father in the eye.

"No, you won't. You're not a killer. You are a respected member of the community and an officer of the court. And you have responsibilities, one of which includes being here for Izzy."

I picked up the cup in front of me and looked into the dark brown liquid.

"I'll take care of Ricky."

I got up, refilled my cup and returned to the table.

"There's a bruise under your eye."

"Yeah... Izzy woke up in the middle of the night kicking and screaming." I shrugged my shoulders. "She sucker punched me."

He looked at my face for a moment then looked down at his plate.

"I've had a hard time looking you in the eye since the day you were born." He said at last. "You were so different from me, from your brother and sister. Almost as if you were a stranger's child that ended up on my doorstep."

"I can't help the way I look. You, on the other hand, could have helped change the way I felt about myself. But that didn't happen. Too late to do anything about it now."

"I know. More than anything, I regret the way my behavior toward you hurt your mother. She deserved so much better from me than I ever gave her."

"Someone once told me that life is nothing more than one screw up after another, but that every new day gives you another chance to set things right. You don't have to let things stay screwed up. What you can't fix, you learn to live with; with everything else you keep trying."

Dad smiled. "That sounds like something your Granddad would have said."

"He might have. Or it might have been me... sometimes it's hard for me to tell us apart."

Dad looked confused. "I'll explain it all some other time. You'd better get going or you'll be late."

He nodded, started cleaning up his dishes then went to get his coat and briefcase.

I headed back upstairs to check on my sister.

Izzy was sprawled out on the bed, hugging a pillow. She'd kicked off the blankets and her long t-shirt was hiked up over her hips and I got a very erotic view of her bare ass when I entered the room. I sat on the bed next to her and gently stroked her exposed skin for a few seconds, running my hand over the firm globes and up under her shirt massaging her back. Leaning down I kissed the corner of her lips.

"Wake up, sleepy head. Time for breakfast."

She rolled onto her side and slowly opened her eyes.

"You're really here? I thought I was dreaming."

I linked and fed her trickles of the love I felt for her, along with a small amount of the desire and lust that touching her had given me.

"Nope, not a dream. Come on, Dad just left for the office. Let's get something to eat."

"Ike... there are things I..." I leaned down and kissed her fully on the mouth, letting her feel how aroused I was getting.

"Shhh..." I hushed her when I managed to tear myself away, "... you can tell me everything. After breakfast." I smiled and helped her out of bed. I held her robe while she got into it, sighing with regret when her exposed bottom disappeared from view.

She turned and gave me a rib cracking hug.

"I'm really happy to see you again, Izzy. I've missed you."

"Mmmm."

We went down stairs and Izzy sat at the table while I made a fresh pot of coffee then went digging into the refrigerator.

"What would you like? Eggs, pancakes, waffles, steak, ice cream?"

She smiled softly. "How 'bout scrambled eggs and toast?"

"I can manage that. I'm not much of a cook, so we'll keep the stomach pump standing by... just in case."

I took out six eggs, a small bell pepper and onion, an already opened box of mushroom caps and a chunk of plastic wrapped ham and laid them on the counter.

Izzy got up and poured some coffee into two cups, set one on the table and holding the other in both hands stood beside me and watched while I worked.

"How are you making me feel so good?"

I poured a small amount of olive oil in the skillet I had heating on the stove and cut the ham into small cubes.

"Something I learned how to do in high school. I link with you and send you my feelings. When I was in Iraq I found out I could... I guess broadcast is the best way to describe it... I can broadcast feelings to anyone within my range. I've been draining off some of your more negative emotions."

I scooped the ham into the skillet and let sizzle while I diced the pepper, onion and mushrooms then put them in with the ham and stirred it around.

I broke the eggs into a small bowl and whisked them up into a yellowish froth with a fork, poured it into the skillet, put the bowl into the dishwasher and put some bread into the toaster.

"Where do you put the feelings you take from me?"

"They're in me... for the moment. I'll get rid of them tomorrow."

"Aren't you affected, having my negative emotions in you?"

"Yes and no. I feel them as I drain them out of you, but I keep emotions isolated and locked away after that, till I'm ready to use or get rid of them."

"You've done this kind of thing before?"

"Yeah... a few times since I've been on the psych ward."

I scrambled the mixture in the skillet, added a dash of black pepper and garlic salt. The toasted bread popped up, so I buttered the slices and set them on a plate and handed it to Izzy. The eggs had finished cooking, they got scooped out onto two plates and they went to the table as well. I turned off the heat under the skillet, poured two small glasses of orange juice and carried them to the table, setting one in front of Izzy and drinking mine. I went back quickly to the refrigerator and got a small jar of strawberry jam and brought it, along with forks and knives, back to the table.

"Eat up." I said, sitting next to her. Izzy poked the eggs on her plate.

I sighed and shook my head. I opened the link wide and drained out the guilt, fear and sadness that had built up since last night. In their place I put hope, love and the joy I felt just sitting next to her again. And just for fun, I pushed a little of my hunger and sexual arousal in at the end.

I saw her eyes get big and bright as the more positive feelings filled her. She shivered a little when the last emotions hit her.

"All that just now, that was you?"

"Yup. All of it. Now eat your breakfast or you'll hurt my feelings. We'll talk afterwards."

"Okay." She said obediently and started eating. I felt a slight quiver of pleasure shoot thru her when she gave in.

I raised an eyebrow, but continued eating. That little tidbit of information got tucked away for later consideration.

When we were finished we cleaned up the kitchen, put the dishes in the washer and started it running.

Izzy and I went into the living room and sat on the couch. She leaned against me, holding my arm.

"Before you say anything, I want you to know how sorry I am. Izzy, I was thirteen years old. I'd never been in love with a girl. I'd never even had a crush on a girl. I didn't know what I was feeling and I didn't know enough then to tell you what I was feeling. For that I'm very sorry. By the time I figured it out it was too late. You'd met Ricky, I'd married and lost Carlie and then went off and nearly got myself killed. I went thru a lot of pain and misery before I realized that I loved you back then, and that I still love you."

"You love me?"

"Izzy... I didn't know what incest was at thirteen. I loved you. Not my sister. My sister was a mean, nasty, rotten bitch and tormented me for as long as I could remember. I fell in love with a girl named Izzy. I'll be twenty three this summer. I've been married, I've been a criminal investigator, I've killed and saved people. I know what incest is now. And you know what? I'm still in love with a girl named Izzy. I always will be. And you know what else? Not once in all these years have I felt guilty about what we did that day. I never thought you tricked me or seduced me or made me do anything against my will. There was never anything for you to feel guilty or dirty about."

"I've been so afraid." Tears rolled down her face. "Afraid that you hated me for what happened. I hated me. I thought I was some kind of perverted monster. I only wanted you to love me like I loved you!"

I pulled her into my lap and rocked her, my arms holding her against my chest, her head tucked beneath my chin.

"It's all over now, baby... let it go. I do love you."

'Don't just tell her, show her.'

"I will. When she's ready. I won't rush her."

'Let the boy do it his way, Marian. She needs to heal first.'

'Men... shows how much you know. She needs to be loved. Healing will follow. Look at Peggy."

"Please, guys... we're gonna freak her out if you keep up like this."

'She can hear us?'

"Everyone can hear you. It would really be helpful if we could keep these little discussions between ourselves."

'Sorry Ike, we didn't know.'

"Keep it in mind from now on... okay?"

I looked down at Izzy, who was looking back up at me.

"How... what was that?"

I told her everything. Starting with Vickie Carter and finishing with my recent adventures on the Psych Ward.

"So you see... if there's a monster around here, it isn't you."

She laid her hand against my cheek.

"You poor thing."

I put my hand over hers. "Don't go feeling sorry for me Izzy. I don't feel sorry for myself. What's done is done."

"How do you do that? Your voice sounded just like Granddad and Mom."

I laughed softly. "I have no idea how or why. For a while there were four of them; Carlie and you and Granddad and Mom. Sometimes all of them would gang up on me. I have this theory... people I've linked with and have a strong emotional bond to leave a sort of emotional imprint. I think that maybe, when I'm feeling stressed, they help focus my mind. It's just a theory..." I finished lamely.

"Is that why they put you in the hospital?"

"Yeah. Mostly because of that."

We leaned against one another and were silent for a time.

"Tell me about Ricky." I said at last.

Izzy shuddered briefly. I drained off some of the fear and anxiety that were beginning to build up in her.

"I was okay for a while, after that day. I stayed busy with school and helping you fit in. But... after a month or so I started to get... I don't know, itchy. I was thinking about you all the time. Thinking about how you made me feel. I wanted more. A lot more. The more I thought about it, and the more I fantasized about the two of us, the guiltier I felt. I started thinking there was something really, really wrong with me. When I was near you I was fine. The nights I slept next to you I was fine. You made me feel safe, but the rest of the time I was turning into a nervous wreck."

Izzy shivered, so I hugged her a little tighter and drained off some more of her feelings, not letting her become overwhelmed by the memories.

"I thought things would be better when I went off to college. You'd be here, I'd be there and I'd be able to put those thoughts out of my mind and get some perspective. It worked for a while. I met new people, made some friends, studied and went to a few parties. Then I met Ricky."

Guilt, disgust and lust started warring inside her. I drained them off.

"Go on, it's okay. Don't be afraid."

"Ricky was, is, tall... like you. His hair was darker than yours was, but it reminded me of you. His skin is darker, but his face and body were so much like yours. We met at a party I went to with some girlfriends. He was charming and sweet. We seemed to click right away. I thought I was in love. But when we... when we..."

"When you made love?" I offered.

Izzy nodded her head slightly. "When we made love, I imagined he was you. The sex was good, I guess, but it wasn't what I wanted. Ricky has a very dominating personality. He likes being in charge and having people defer to him. He always wants to be in control of everything. After a few months he started demanding that I stop seeing my friends and only hang out with him and his friends. I'd gotten to the point where I needed him to fill in for you that I was willing to do almost anything to keep the fantasy alive. That's why I stopped calling and writing. In my heart I knew I'd betrayed you, even though I knew you didn't love me like I did you. When I called home that last time and found out you'd had a girlfriend I was devastated."

I leaned over and kissed her forehead. "It's okay."

"In my mind I'd betrayed you, and when I heard about her I felt that you'd betrayed me. That's what I was thinking. It's stupid, but that's how I felt. I didn't think about how you were feeling. You lashed out at me for abandoning you, and you were right, but I didn't see it that way. I'd gotten so wrapped up in my fantasy that I lost touch with everything and everyone that was important. And it just kept getting worse. Ricky's domination got worse, but I didn't care as long as I could keep imagining that he was you. We graduated and got jobs, you went to college... and then I heard that you got married. Mom sent me a letter and told me. I think I cried for two days. I was so jealous and angry and hurt. I cursed you and called you horrible names; threw things at the walls... I wanted to hurt you, really hurt you. Then later when she told me about the accident..."

Izzy's guilt shot thru the roof. I scrambled to bleed it off; she needed to get all this off her chest and out in the open.

"I was happy. Oh, god, I was happy and relieved! I didn't think about how much you were hurting. It never occurred to me how much pain you were in, until I saw you at Mom's funeral. Standing next to her casket, your beautiful red hair turned all white and looking like you didn't have a friend in the world. That's when I knew. I could feel how much you were hurting, how lonely and lost you were. And it was my fault. I am a monster!"

She broke down and started weeping, burying her face against my arm; it made me think of the first time I'd heard Lilly crying for her children. I sent her soft pulses of compassion and understanding and acceptance.

"You're not a monster. And I still love you."

"How... how can you love me? I'm a horrid, terrible person."

"Izzy, we can't choose to fall in love. Either you do or you don't. And when you do, when you do, you don't do it half way."

"Oh, right! I fell in love, couldn't have the guy I wanted so I went off and fucked someone I didn't love, let him fuck me, beat me and abuse me. Yeah, that's love alright."

"You got in a situatition that scared and confused you. You did the best you could. That's all any of us can do. I'm not going to hate you for loving me. I'm not going to blame you for how you tried to cope with your confusion and pain. It is what it is; time to move on with your life."

"You really don't blame me? You don't hate me?" Her eyes pleaded with me, begging for forgiveness.

"Izzy, the only one who needs to forgive you, is you. Do you feel any blame or hate coming from me?"

"No."

"Let it go then. It's just a bad memory and it can't hurt you if you don't let it."

She smiled and my heart melted. Her smile faded slowly.

"Ricky won't let it go. He thinks he owns me. When the Army told us you were missing I called off the wedding and told him I was leaving him. He hit me and... and he... afterwards he said I belonged to him and he was never going to let me go."

"I'll take care of it."

"Ike, you don't understand. He's in business with some very dangerous people. Drugs and gambling and..."

"I'll take care of it." I said, firmly. I felt that same little internal quiver of delight shoot thru her once again.

I wiped her tears with the sleeve of my robe, leaned down and kissed her full on the lips. Her arms locked around my neck and she kissed me back furiously, her tongue stabbing between my lips. I trapped it and began sucking it deeper and deeper into my own mouth. We broke for air, both of us gasping.

"Ike, I... umm, what I mean is..."

I smiled, feeling her lust grow, along with her guilt and remorse and fear. I thought I knew what was going thru her mind, but would she have the courage to tell me? Would she trust me enough?

"Izzy, you can tell me anything and I won't stop loving you. I promise. I won't think you're sick or depraved."

Uhmm... remember when you were telling me about Peggy?" I nodded. I'd told her about Peggy not wanting me to leave her and what had happened up in the gym.

"Would you... would you do that to me?" and she blushed brightly.

"Izzy, after all you've been thru why would you want me to hit you?"