Chapter 15

I was in a foul mood Sunday morning. Everyone knew it and kept their distance.

I was up early and running; on my fifth lap around the hospital I spotted Lilly sitting on the curb, huddled up and trying to pull herself deeper into her parka like a turtle disappearing into its shell. I pulled up and slowed down, coming to a stop beside her. She got to her feet and we walked the route I normally ran.

"My husband came to see me yesterday after you left." she began.

"He doesn't come here very often." I observed.

"No. He says I remind him too much of what he's lost."

"What he's lost?"

"That's what he says. He's been fucking our next door neighbor's wife for a month now. Her husband was sent to Saudi nearly three month ago."

"Does he know that you know?"

"I don't think he cares. But yes, he knows. That's why he came yesterday. To tell me he filed for divorce."

"Oh, Lilly..." I stopped walking and gathered her into my arms and held her tight. She clung to me like a small child and cried.

We stood there in the cold, windy, gray and bleak morning, two lost souls clinging to one another and trying to stay afloat in a sea of internal despair, afraid that if we let go one, or both, would sink beneath the surface and never come up.

"What can I do? I've stepped off the path again Granddad."

'If you stepped off, you can step back on."

"Easy for you to say. Every time it gets harder and harder to find again."

'Yes, but not impossible. You know what you should be doing, but do you know why?'

"Because I can. I should, because I can."

'Yes. Any other answer is window dressing.'

"And what about me? What about my pain, my anger?"

'Stop holding it. Let it go.'

"Let it go where? If I let it go I could infect everyone around me. I won't do that."

'Then put it where it belongs... in the grave.'

Yeah. Right as usual Granddad.

I felt Lilly struggling in my arms. I released my arms from around her and she stumbled back, staring up at me, concern written all over her pretty, tear streaked face.

"Now you know why the Army sent me here." I tried to smile, but I don't think it came out quite right.

"Are you... ?"

"Lilly, don't be afraid. I'm not going to hurt you."

"Your voice changed, when you were talking. Half the time you sounded like yourself, half like someone else."

"I really should learn to keep my internal dialogues internal, huh? I scared a couple of Iraqi soldiers half to death doing the same thing. Well... that and reciting poetry at them for a couple of hours."

"Don't you go crazy on me Ike. You're the only thing keeping me together right now."

"Lilly, I'll be okay. I had a tough time yesterday is all; not as bad as yours, but bad enough. Give me a little time. I'll meet you upstairs for lunch, alright?"

She nodded and headed back inside the hospital.

I started jogging towards the back side of the hospital, where the employee parking lot was located. I went thru the more than half empty blacktop and out beyond where a small grove of trees stood. Off to the right was a long chain link fence that separated the hospital grounds from the main road and to the left was a dirt path that led into the trees.

Inside the grove was a small clearing, filled with tall grass and broken tree stumps. I stopped and began scanning the area. Just off of the center was the dying remains of a towering poplar, lightning struck years ago, but still clinging to a thread of life. I linked with the tree. I could feel the slowed movement of its sap, the once expansive highway of its body was now nothing more than a tiny cart path. No more protective bark to shield it from the elements, most eaten away by bugs and birds, no more waving branches of leaves to feed its heartwood. Trees can feel pain and what was left of this one was in terrible pain.

I poured all my emotions into the link and thru it into the dying tree. All my hate, all my anger, all my resentment and frustration, all my fear and distrust, all the uncertainty and guilt, the pain and suffering, the dying... kept shoving it, hammering it into the link and thru the tree and into the ground beneath it.

"GET OUT OF MY FUCKING HEAD!"

I cut the link and sank to my knees in the tall snow frosted grass.

'Feel better now?'

"Yes... and no."

'And that is the way it works. You can't hold all the pain of the world inside yourself. You just can't and you shouldn't try. Make room from time to time. Love will fill the empty spaces.'

"Am I crazy? Am I talking to myself, or are you really there?"

'Maybe a little of both. Would that be such a terrible thing?'

"No. I suppose not."

'Then it's time to get back on your path.'

"What about Wills' offer?"

'The path is the path. You can use any vehicle you like to travel it. More than one, if necessary.'

I got to my feet and walked out of the grove, leaving a burnt and smoking tree stump behind me.

I spent the rest of Sunday either in the dayroom talking or playing cards or some other game with whoever came in or sitting out in the hallway broadcasting all the good feelings I could. After my session with the tree stump it was much easier to remember the good feelings and memories I had to share. I concentrated on them and not my problems. At dinner time we pooled our money and ordered Chinese from a restaurant nearby that would deliver to the hospital. We served up a buffet for everyone on the ward, patients and staff alike. It turned out to be a very good night.

At some point prior to that Monday it should have at least crossed my mind that there existed the possibility of someone else having abilities like mine. It should have, but it never did. Why it never occurred to me I don't know, probably pride or ego or something like that. Hubris, the Greek dramatists called it; excessive pride leading to a tragic downfall.

The small group sessions had just finished and we were getting settled in the dayroom for the resident's meeting when Captain Rossi came in with someone new by his side.

"We have a new arrival folks. This is Peg. She'll be staying with us for a month or so."

Peg stood quietly next to the Captain, her head bowed, looking like the saddest, loneliest and most forgotten individual who ever lived. Not more than five feet tall and probably as thin as a rail, though that was hard to determine since she was bundled up in an oversized hospital robe. Her hair was short and brown like the color of dried dirt, it hadn't so much been cut as hacked and strands stood out at every conceivable angle and looked something like a porcupine.

She might have been twenty five, or she might have been seventeen or eighteen, it was hard to say. But she was definitely scared and very shy. Rossi moved her in the direction of an empty chair and sat her down then motioned for me.

"Ike, Colonel DeBerg would like you to see him in his office. Margie will stand in for you today."

I shrugged in the direction of Lilly and the others, got up off the couch and headed out and down the hall.

The door to Colonel DeBerg's office was open, so I rapped once and walked in.

"Ah... Ike, come on in and have a seat. Shut the door, would you?"

I closed the door and took my usual seat, waiting for the Colonel to speak.

"Dr. Wills told me that you were of exceptional assistance to him on Saturday. I'm not going to ask you what you were doing, but I am concerned about how whatever it was affected you."

I nodded. "It was stressful, in more ways than one. But it was something that needed to be done. I understand that. I realize that I'm probably one of the few people around that could have done it, but I truly wish someone else had."

"Lilly told me about your 'conversation' yesterday. She's worried about you."

"I don't imagine it's very reassuring when you're looking to someone for strength and support and they start having a talk with someone who isn't there."

"Is this something you've always done?"

I shook my head. "No. It started when I was coming out of the desert. I was wounded and in a lot of pain, short on food and water; almost ready to give up, lie down and die. I was running along in the dark one night and started having a talk with my sister. It helped keep me going. The next night I had a talk with my grandfather. The night after that with my wife and the next with my mother. Once I reached our lines I talked with all of them... I think one of the medics heard that one. I knew they weren't really there, but talking with them helped me deal with what I was feeling, what I was thinking. Maybe there was another, better way to do it..." I shrugged and lifted then dropped my hands.

"And yesterday you needed reminding again?"

"Exactly. I was angry and frustrated, wallowing in my own pain and ready to bite the head off of anyone who looked at me sideways. Lilly risked that because she needed a friend, someone to listen to her troubles and help her cope. I had to remind myself that sometimes responsibility chooses you. But just because you don't want it doesn't mean it's not yours."

I shifted in the chair and sighed.

"Colonel, I'm not a hero and I don't believe that I can solve everyone's problems or save them from themselves. But the minute I set foot on the ward I started feeling responsible for those people. They made me feel responsible for them. It's not my job and I'm sure not trained for it, but I feel it. There are times though, like yesterday, when I have to be reminded of that."

DeBerg nodded. "Well, I've got one more lost lamb for your flock. Peg, the girl who just arrived? She's a very special case, and I'd appreciate it if you could keep a close eye on her. She's got multiple personalities. At least seven distinct ones, three of them males and two of those are aggressive and potentially violent. We're going to start her on a regimen of drug therapy, but it will take a while to see results... if we see any at all. If you see anything that makes you think she might become violent or destructive, send for the floor nurse or for me immediately."

"Sure. Always room for one more."

"Thank you. It's good to know there's someone looking out for them. It makes my job a lot easier"

I nodded. I think that was a big part of the problem... for the staff, all of them, it was a job.

For me it was just another step along the path. Pick 'em up, put 'em down.

When I got back the meeting was over and everyone was filing out. But something was different. Every face I saw was a little sadder, a little more reclusive and angry. I sat down next to Lilly on the couch. Peg was still in the chair Rossi had put her in, but her body language was different somehow. I couldn't quite tell what had changed, but her entire demeanor was a little different; more at ease and much less withdrawn. Her head was up and her eyes were locked on Lilly.

"What's wrong Lilly? Everyone seems out of sorts."

She shuddered and tightened up, moving away from me. I stayed still and waited.

"Everything was fine. We were talking about going bowling and Auggie started sniping at Walt. Then everyone started arguing with everyone else and... Ike it all got so ugly so fast and there was nothing I could do!" she started crying softly.

I happened to look up and saw Peg watching me, her eyes bright with excitement. I linked with her.

"What the..." I couldn't believe what I found in her. It was like that time with Izzy at the mall when I tried linking with a large number of people all at once. The swirling morass of competing emotions was staggering. The press of conflicting feelings came down on me and I felt as if I were squashed beneath a huge shapeless mass of color and taste. Sour, oily and stomach churning flavors that had me on the verge of puking. Gross desires, hateful lusts, spiteful love, guilty anger, angry lust and love, and behind it all was a powerful seething smug satisfaction directing it all. A cold, determined, empty need, that was proud and seethed with joy.

My eyes locked on hers, and I saw their color change, from brown to blue to green to violet to solid black and then one eye turned blue while the other went green.

Inside I felt something reach out to me and grab hold of my feelings of fondness and compassion for Lilly. Grab hold and start pulling them from me. Peg's heart raced faster and her breathing got raspy and uneven. The tiny tip of her pink tongue slipped out of her mouth and ran around the surface of her thin lips. Her hands came up to her chest and started rubbing and clutching at her robe, pressing harder and harder against her body. One set of her desires was throbbing as if she were on the verge of an orgasm.