Chapter 5

I got up and put the DVD in the player, and lay back down on the bed, to see what my darling wife had to say to me that she couldn't say to my face. I pushed 'play' and after a few seconds, Elizabeth appeared on the screen. I pushed 'pause' right away and just looked at her. My God! I know it had not been long, and I certainly hadn't forgotten what she looked like, but I was stunned at seeing her beauty on the screen once again. Tears stung my eyes as I just looked at her. I doubted those would be the last tears I shed tonight. After a moment of just looking at her, I started the player again. Elizabeth came to life again on the TV. She looked sober.

"Hi Patrick. I wish I were speaking to you under better circumstances, but if you are watching this, it means I am dead, if the people I entrusted this disk to have followed my instructions. I have also made a disk for each of the girls. Each is different and designed especially for each of you. I hope it helps at least a little. It would probably be best if each person did not watch the DVD for the others. I will leave that in your hands; you would never do anything to hurt those girls."

"Patrick, I am so sorry. For so many things. In a large part because I have never been there when either you or the girls needed me. Maybe not never, but close enough to make no difference. I will come back to that in a minute. First, I want to deal with the greatest injustice I have done to you, one that is unforgivable."

"Patrick, honey, I love you so much. I have never loved anyone as much as you. I know that sounds silly, because we have gone with each other since I was fifteen, but still, it means something to me. I know you have been so disappointed in me so often. Mainly, you have talked to me about not being there for the girls enough. You were right. You are such a good person. You always thought about the girls first. You gave up your career for them, because you knew I wouldn't be there for them. I know that hurt you, although you denied it. Even when I know I was breaking your heart by not being there, you never complained for yourself; you were always concerned about Amy and Cindi. I know you probably won't believe what I say, but I have to say it. This is my last chance."

"I love you more than I can possibly tell you. More than you will ever believe. Many a night I cried myself to sleep because I wasn't there with you, for you, for the girls. I don't blame you if you don't believe that. I wouldn't either, if I were you, knowing how I have treated you. I wish I could go back and change things, so I could be different. I loved you and trusted you more than anyone in the whole world, but I couldn't tell you that. I wanted to, but I couldn't. I don't know why. Perhaps it had something to do with my father, the lousy childhood I had, the drunken rages before he left. The night he left us left scars in me that no man could ever overcome. I so wanted to let you, so many times. I saw how you treated the girls, and I knew you wouldn't hurt me. But I just couldn't break out of the mold that I had been cast into. My career became everything. I knew the girls were better off with you anyway."

"You have no idea how hard this is for me to talk to you, bare my soul to you, even now. I am only doing it because I have to. It is my last chance. I cannot let you continue to feel that I didn't love you, that you failed me somehow. You have been the best husband ever a girl could have. I selfishly took advantage of you for that. I knew you would have been better off married to someone else. We all know who. I kept that from happening, because I wanted you for myself. I thought you could save me, and then when I knew you could, I ran away so you couldn't. I even interfered with your friendship with her, refusing to be a close friend of hers even when I knew it would do me good. I was jealous. Then I didn't even take advantage of what I was jealous about."

"I know I keep coming back to this, honey, but I really do love you so much. If you were about to be hit by a car, I would, without hesitation, without even having to think about it, push you out of the way and die for you. I would. I love you that much. But I just couldn't open myself up to you, day to day. I would die for you, but I couldn't live for you. I realize how stupid that sounds now, but I couldn't stop. Even now, I'm putting this down for you to read after I'm dead, instead of calling you or hopping on a plane to come see you and telling you personally. You deserved better than me. The girls deserved a better Mom than me."

"I wish I could change, sweetheart. I want to be the woman you always wanted as your wife. I have gone down this road too long to change now. There simply isn't time to change the way I wish I could for you, even if I could."

"Please don't grieve for me too long, Patrick. There are too many people around you that love you. Don't hurt them the way I have hurt you. Be there for the girls. You have been Mom and Dad to them for so long. I know you can keep doing it."

"Patrick, dear, I am making these disks because I know I will die soon. I cannot explain it, but I know I will. I have often been able, since I was a little girl, to know ahead of time when big changes are coming in my life. I know this is coming. I thought about telling you, and trying to stop it, but I can't. I can't because, somehow, I know that my dying will save your life. I don't know how, but I know it will. I'm glad to do that for you, my dear. I've taken so much from you, and given so little back over the 21 years I have known you. Now, I can give you the ultimate gift, your life. I'm excited about it. I'm scared, too. No one wants to die. But to save you, I will, gladly."

"Please don't be mad at me, dear, for not telling you this before, and for not coming to see you one last time. I couldn't. If I saw you, I know you would know right away. It is so important to me to do this for you. I will finally be the wife you deserve, at last, if only for a little while."

"Take care of the girls, Patrick. Love them, in any manner they need. They will need a lot of support to get through this. You love your sister in more ways than one. Don't be afraid to love your daughters in any way they need. They are special girls, with a very special father."

"Let Victoria and Megan help you in your time of grief. Especially Megan. She is special. Treat her well; give her what she has always wanted. It will help you too. Don't miss this second chance, Patrick, or I will kick your butt." She laughed when she said that, and my heart broke. I knew it was the last time I would ever hear her laugh. "Be a special friend to Robert also, my love. We didn't have the bond that you and Victoria have, but he's a good brother, and he'll be in pain. Be there for him, as the friend you've always been."

"It's time to end this. I love you, my dear. I love you, love you, love you! I wish I had said it so many more times. I wish I had been there for you much more often. I realize now, as I face the end, that my life in reality has been so empty as I have led it. It is fitting that an empty, shallow life will be used to save a full, wonderful person. I love you!"

She gave me that blazing smile of hers, the one coupled with the look of innocence that had made me fall in love with her, and then the screen faded. I was about to turn it off, when the picture came back. For the next few minutes, Elizabeth posed in different outfits she knew were my favorites, the ones I loved. The last one was the bathing suit she knew I loved, showing me her stunning body in all its beauty one more time. I think she would have posed naked, except she knew I always thought scantily clad was sexier. Then the image faded again, for good this time.

I watched it again. I couldn't get enough of looking at her. I couldn't see how I would ever get over her. It was ironic; she had made the tape to say things she couldn't say, to make it easier on me. She had actually made it harder. I knew now that she had really loved me as much as I had loved her. Over the last few years, I had gradually distanced myself from her. I loved her, but I figured she would never love me the same. Years ago I had faced the decision of whether I wanted to continue in the marriage with her. I had decided it was completely worth it, even if it was not exactly what I wanted. Over the years, my protection had been to just be comfortable with her, not expect too much. Now I felt guilty. Maybe I should have pushed harder. I hadn't known much about her childhood.

I didn't get much sleep that night. I cried most of the night. I thought it would get better as time passed, not worse. The next day I slept late, and was a zombie when I woke up. I wandered around the house, trying to find something interesting to do. Finally, I went to talk to Victoria. She was doing some paperwork, writing reports, catching up on things. I realized with a sense of guilt that she was doing things I was supposed to be doing. She was so involved she didn't hear me come in. She only jumped about 6 inches and only squeaked moderately loudly when I kissed the back of her neck. She turned around quickly, eyes wide with fright.

"Oh God, Patrick, you scared the hell out of me!" She scolded, swatting me on the arm. "I didn't even hear you come in. Don't you start going all 'Megan' on me now!"

"I'm sorry; I didn't realize 'to Megan' was a verb. You must be slipping in your old age. I never used to be able to sneak up on you like that." I hoped teasing her would help us both.

"I didn't used to live alone and have nightmares every night, either," she said quietly, then looked like she had wished she hadn't said it. "I guess I'm sleeping about as well as you are these days." She pulled me into a tight hug, trying not to cry.

"Actually, that's kind of why I came in to talk to you. We need a bigger place for the business. We're outgrowing this place. Plus, the house is getting smaller, with three parents and six kids here most of the time. I was thinking of looking for a bigger place." I stopped there, to see what her reaction was. I saw a quick look of... disappointment, maybe, cross her face.

"I guess that's true. It's nice that we live so close together, though. It's convenient for watching the kids, quick trips to the office, whatever. I'll miss that." She seemed sad.

"Not if we get a house big enough for you and the girls to move in," I whispered softly. She froze for a minute when I said that, a look of shock on her face. Then she just melted, and I had 110 lbs of lovely, ecstatic woman in my arms, hugging me fiercely.

"Oh, Patrick, do you really mean it?" She gasped. 'No, silly, I'm just playing with you. Forget the whole thing!' I thought. I'm smarter now. I didn't say it, even though I did think it would be funny. I learn slowly, but I learn. "That is so wonderful of you! But I can't afford that. I should pay for part of it. Would you loan me the money? I'll pay you back, I promise. Oh, I can't think of anything better than this! Thank you!" Then she kissed me. No, not one of those sisterly kisses. At least, I don't think most sisters stick their tongue in your mouth when they kiss you, but what do I know? Mine always has!

"Actually, I can think of one thing better. I was going to ask Megan and her kids to move in, too. That is, if you don't mi..." I didn't get the rest out, as she squealed this time and attacked me. Why didn't I think of this before? Maybe Megan would react like this too! Then I felt bad, as I remembered the circumstances of why this was happening. Would I ever stop thinking of her every minute of the day, and feeling guilty every time I enjoyed another woman's presence?

"So, what are you doing?" I asked, looking over her shoulder. Before she could answer, I noticed it was stuff I usually took care of. "I'm sorry, Victoria, I was going to get to that today. You shouldn't have to do that." She gave me a blinding smile and hugged me, kissing me again.

"It's ok. You looked like you had other things on your mind this morning. Besides, you need time to hunt for a new house," she joked. Then she turned serious again. "Bad night last night? I wish I could help. Hell, I wish I could help myself."

"Bad night. I watched the DVD Elizabeth gave me." I saw her eyes soften with sympathy. "I wish I had watched it before. I never would've considered her having an affair if I had. It was so hard seeing her again. I really knew very little about her. I wasn't really there for her, either." We hugged each other, getting misty eyed.

I tracked down Megan to give her the news about the house, and invite her to move in. That was a surprise. First, she put off talking to me three times, because she was too busy. She seemed very distant. Not unfriendly; I can't envision an instance when Megan would be unfriendly, but distant. Like she was trying to avoid me. She finally talked to me the fourth time, but I had the impression that she was only taking the time because she thought she had put me off as long as she could. I told her about the idea of the house, and how thrilled we would be to have her live in it with us. She politely refused, thanking me for the offer, but that they were doing just fine where they were. Right. I've seen their house. Talk about getting cold water thrown on you. She turned back to her work, just as I thought of something else I wanted to ask her.

"Megan, I listened to a DVD last night that Elizabeth made for me about a week before she died. She said she knew she was going to die soon, and that she was glad in a way because she knew her dying would save my life. Do you have any idea what she was talking about? Was that part of the cycles?" Megan knew a lot more about these things than we did, so I thought she might be able to shed some light on the subject, but I certainly didn't expect the response I got. She whipped around as if she had been shot, her eyes wide open in... panic, fear, sadness. I would have sworn there was nothing in the world that Megan was afraid of.

"No, I'm sorry, I don't know anything about that," she stated emphatically, then turned back to her work. "I'm sorry, Patrick, but I really need to get this done. Can I talk to you later?" She sounded harried.

"Fine," I sighed, and walked out of the room. If she wasn't aware that she had hurt my feelings and even irritated me a little, she wasn't nearly as good as I thought she was. As I went around the corner, I caught her looking at me, tears in her eyes, looking like her favorite puppy had just died.

The next two weeks went by slowly, but they were all blurred together. I was not a very happy person. I missed Elizabeth something terrible. I alternated between being glad that she had sent me the DVD, because I knew now she really loved me, to wishing she hadn't. It made me miss her more, knowing how much she really cared. It also made me feel guilty that I hadn't known her better. I felt bad that I had hassled her so much about putting her job first, without ever finding out why. I felt I could've helped her. I just had never tried to find out the reason. I just assumed that she was not a very affectionate person who didn't need a lot of love. I now knew she was desperate for love and I had never seen it. I felt terrible. Here she had been so upset that she had failed me, let me down, and it was actually the opposite. She'd done the best she could, and I had been blind and stupid and failed to see or hear her cries for help.

Maybe I could've dealt with it better, but things were in such a mess. Victoria was in as bad a shape as I was, just for different reasons. She and Robert had such a good relationship. Each was comfortable with the other's position in their marriage. He came home every chance he got, and they had quality time together. They loved each other deeply and were as happy a couple as I had seen. Of course, with the choices being Megan, who didn't know and didn't even care where her husband was, and Elizabeth and me with our problems, maybe that wasn't saying much, but still, they were very happy. Victoria's problem was she was just devastated by the loss of her spouse. They made all decisions together, talked about everything, even if it was by long distance telephone conversations, and were just a perfect pair. The only other person Victoria had ever had that with was me, and I obviously couldn't fill the place of Robert. Besides, I was pretty nonfunctional myself.

I couldn't figure out what was going on with Megan. She just seemed to withdraw into herself. At least, that's what I thought. Then I noticed that it seemed to be only with me. She was a little quieter with the others than normal, but at least she talked to them and interacted with them. She seemed to not want to be around me at all. She never stayed in the room long when I came in. She talked to me only when she had to. I didn't know why. I was afraid to ask. I was just so devastated by Elizabeth's death and the responsibility I felt for her guilt that I was just afraid to open a can of worms with Megan and find out something else I'd done wrong.

I think I could've dealt with it better had I at least had Megan's support. She had always been a special friend. She was more than that. Everyone knew I would've married Megan if I hadn't married Elizabeth. Even Elizabeth had shown in her last message that she'd known that also. Now Megan didn't seem to even be a friend anymore. She seemed to hate me, or at least dislike me or feel uneasy around me. After a week or so, I just gave up trying to interact with her. It was just too painful. At times I felt like she looked at me sadly, like she was upset that I didn't try anymore, but I just had had enough of sadness and guilt and... games. At times, I felt that was all it was, and I didn't have the strength for it. Most of the time, I knew it wasn't a game. She seemed as upset as I was, she just didn't seem to want to do anything about it. I didn't feel I had the right to push her. I still felt guilty anytime I spent time with another woman.