Chapter 2

I had just gotten out of the plane and was getting into the emergency vehicle to take me to the hospital when Megan called. She told me that she, Victoria, and the four kids were about to board a plane and would be there in a few hours. She was leaving her two girls with friends. She asked how Elizabeth was. I told her I was just about to get to the hospital to see. She told me to be careful and not to get into an accident myself trying to get there too fast. I told her 'thank you' and moaned silently at the lump in my stomach and the pain in my heart. I knew Megan very well. I knew she had just told me to take my time; it would not make any difference now. I don't know how she always knew these things, but damn it, couldn't she be wrong just this one time? Please? Just this once?

It only took a few minutes to get to the hospital. I jumped out of the jeep while it was still moving and ran in to the front desk. I identified myself and whom I was there to see. They were obviously expecting me, as I was led into a private conference room right away. I was hoping that was just so the doctor could fill me in on everything before I went to see Elizabeth. I was in the room for about one minute before the doctor came in. He walked over and shook my hand, and introduced himself.

"I'm here to see my wife, Elizabeth Costello. How is she doing?" I could see him swallow hard. I'm sure he hated this part of his job.

"I'm sorry, Mr. Phillips, but Mrs. Costello died about thirty minutes ago. We knew you were coming and we did everything we could to keep her with us until you got here. She knew you were coming also, and she fought really hard to hold on until she saw you, but she just couldn't hold on any longer. She did give me a last message for you, though." I could see the tears forming in his eyes as he went on. "She said to tell you that she was sorry and she loved you and the girls very much."

I don't think anything has ever hurt me so badly in my life. I couldn't imagine anything hurting worse; if it did, I didn't want to know about it. I could hardly breathe and I thought I was going to pass out. Everything got black for a few seconds. I wouldn't have been able to see anyway, from all the tears suddenly in my eyes. The doctor took my arm and led me over to the couch that was against the wall. He helped me to sit down. We talked for a while, but I didn't remember a thing later about what he said. I got a briefing the next day telling me everything he had tried to tell me. After a while, he told me he would send someone in to check on me occasionally, as he had to go to surgery.

I just sat on the couch, my head against the wall behind it, eyes closed, as I cried like a baby. I couldn't believe Elizabeth was gone. I loved her so much. It really hurt that I had not been able to see her for the last time, and it hurt even more that she didn't get to see me, when she had wanted to so bad. She had apparently tried so hard to hold on. I felt so alone. I really wished now that I had not gone ahead. I wanted my girls around me so bad, to be surrounded by those who loved me. If I just had Victoria here, I could immerse myself in comforting her, forgetting my own grief. I just wanted a friendly face to talk to, to be with. At that moment, the door opened and a nurse walked in. I got my wish of a friendly face. My mind registered that the only person I knew in all of Germany, Amanda, was a nurse on duty that day. She sat next to me and hugged me as I disintegrated. I thought about how I had met Amanda, just to take my mind off what was around me.

Last year, I had arranged with Elizabeth for me to fly to Germany to spend some time with her. Megan and Victoria watched the kids as I planned on spending a week there with her. She had arranged her schedule so she would have the whole week off. I was ecstatic. However, things never worked out the way you thought with Elizabeth.

We had one day together before some crisis developed somewhere in the world and Elizabeth had to go. I was irritated, to say the least. She tried to placate me with promises of a quick return, but I knew that wouldn't happen. She promised another time, but that was getting old also. At least she cried about having ruined our time together, so I at least knew she cared.

That was the only time I ever saw Robert really mad at his sister. He came over just before she left, found out what was happening, and just tore into her. She was crying even harder when he finished, his last comment being how long she thought her husband was going to keep putting up with cancelled plans. I thought that was a little harsh; I would never have left Elizabeth, no matter what. She was really upset when he said that, and apologized to me again, telling me how much she loved me and how important I was to her. Then, she left anyway.

I started making plans to just fly back home. At least I could spend my time off with the girls. I knew she would not be back in time for the rest of the week. If she did make it back, well, I just wouldn't be there. Maybe if she found out what it was like, she wouldn't do it again. That was how upset I was; I would never have done that to her if I had been thinking. Robert nixed the plans for me to go back home. He said I had come this far, and he and I were going to spend the time together.

We went out that night with two woman friends of his, Nicole and Amanda. There was nothing fishy about it. Victoria knew them; they were good friends of theirs. She knew he partied with them when he needed to wind down. He told me that Amanda would keep me company that evening. I felt a little uncomfortable about going out with them. It almost seemed like cheating on Elizabeth. Robert said that was BS. He asked me if I thought that Elizabeth never went partying like this. Besides, he said, she deserted you, so enjoy yourself. He seemed so irritated with her it was like he really didn't care what happened; she deserved what she got. I was not that mad that I would do anything I would be upset about later. I would never do that to Elizabeth. I just wanted to relax and enjoy myself.

I did enjoy myself. Amanda was young, pretty, intelligent, and a fun person to be with. She danced well, and the few times we slow danced, she was fun to hold. Nothing went on the whole night that I would have been ashamed to tell Elizabeth about. Amanda gave me a delightful kiss, not quite passionate but not quite sisterly, at the end of the evening. She knew my situation, and just wanted to show me a good time. We went out with Robert and Nicole several times that week, and I always had a good time. When I talked to Elizabeth the next time, I told her all about it. She was glad I was able to enjoy myself.

It was the same Amanda that was the nurse that came to check on me. We comforted each other, as she had known Elizabeth and obviously knew Robert very well. We kept each other from going crazy for those first few hours when no one else was there. When she got off duty, she left a message at the nursing station as to where my group could find me and she took me home with her, let me take a shower, and put me to bed in her spare bedroom. I fell asleep almost instantly. I think there was something in the glass of wine she gave me before going to bed.

I woke up to the feeling of being sandwiched between bodies. I opened my eyes to find Cindi and Amy in bed with me, one on each side, their heads on my shoulders. My clothes were wet from their tears. I hugged them close to me and we all cried together. I could tell the girls were really upset, as expected. They didn't see their mother often, but I think they had always hoped that would change.

I got up and made myself presentable to meet my host. It was difficult to do that with two teenagers stuck to you like glue. They were really smart girls, but they were like any teenagers; Mom was gone and now they were afraid Dad was leaving too. I let them hang on to me as much as they wanted or needed; they needed comfort too and would for a long time.

I made it out to the living room where I was almost smothered immediately by Victoria. The girls backed off a little as Victoria clung to me, arms around my neck, crying softly. I held her close, adding my tears to hers. Katie and Becky were sitting in the corner, eyes red and swollen from crying. They still had shocked, dazed looks on their faces. I called them over and all five of them put their arms around each other, and me, as we tried to deal with it. My gaze finally found Megan, in the other corner. She had a sad look on her face, and a look that almost looked like... guilt. I was really concerned when I saw her eyes. They had a haunted, guilty, despairing look in them. They seemed to almost beg me for forgiveness. I didn't understand, but I knew she needed some comfort too. After I was done crying with my crew, I went over to where Megan was. She sat there, looking at me, a look of despair in her eyes. She seemed hesitant to approach me until I held out my arms to her. Immediately, she was in my arms, crying.

"I'm so sorry, Patrick! I'm sorry!" She whispered. Then, in a tiny voice that I almost missed, "It's all my fault! I'm so sorry!" I didn't understand how it was her fault, but I figured we would talk about that later.

We sat around and talked for quite a while, as I deliberately avoided the nasty part that I knew was coming. Identification of the bodies. Conferences with the doctors, nurses, and marine personnel to find out what had happened. It was going to be hard. Amanda was a big help in telling us what would happen and what we could expect. I sat next to Megan and Victoria, with an arm around each. Megan, especially, was taking this very hard. I assumed it was just her empathetic nature that was responding to our grief.

We finally decided that Victoria and I would go to the hospital, with Megan staying at Amanda's house to be with the girls. Amy gave me a battle over that. She really wanted to go. I finally had to tell her definitively, no, she was not going, and that was final. My girls are so good I seldom have to lay down the law with them, but when I do, they know it. She cried, but accepted it. I hated to do it, but I just knew we were not going to find this very pleasant, and I just didn't think the girls needed to go through that.

We were fortunate when we got to the hospital. Robert had already been identified by the Marines and Elizabeth had been identified by co-workers. The medical people we met strongly suggested that we not view the bodies, as it was unnecessary at this point and it would likely be extremely traumatic for us. Apparently it was not a pretty sight. We both chose not to view the bodies. Neither of us ever regretted it. It would have been different if I could have seen her before she died, no matter how bad she looked, but I had no desire to see her after she was dead. We all sat down at a conference table to talk. Besides Victoria and I, there was a hospital administrator, a doctor and a nurse, a Marine officer, and a member of Elizabeth's news agency. We got to the unpleasant subjects right away.

"First of all, we are all very sorry about your loss. If there is anything we can do to help you two or your families in their time of grief, please let us know. I know I speak for everyone here when I say that we will do everything we can to make anything you need happen." The Marine officer was speaking, but everyone was nodding in agreement. Victoria and I just nodded our thanks. I know they really were sorry and really did feel our pain, but it was still just rote recitation to me at this point. I knew no one was at fault, except the bastards that had done this, and I would do my best to make them pay for it if that were possible, and everyone had done everything they could, but I was filled with emotions, and it was starting to come out as unfocused rage. I wanted to kick someone's ass; I didn't really care whose. I could feel much the same from Victoria, but she was dealing a little better with it. I could feel her trying to rein me in. The news executive spoke next, mainly to me.

"Mr. Phillips, I am sorry to have to deal with this, but... as you know, Ms. Costello was a quite well know personality..." I interrupted him right there.

"Please. My name is Patrick. My wife's name is Elizabeth. Please use them. They are our names." One thing I had learned with the FBI was that people in the situation that Victoria and I were in often acted like jerks, and everyone expected it and forgave it. It also helped ease the pain if you acted like a jerk. I promised myself I would not abuse it. I saw a ghost of a smile on Victoria's face. She knew what I was doing.

"Certainly. We have kept this out of the news so far, but we are preparing a news release as we speak. Elizabeth's broadcast from Iraq for today will be missed, and it would be better if we proactively announced this than to seem to be hiding it. Also, in a rare move of cooperation, Al-Jazeera is holding up broadcasting a claim of responsibility that was sent to them until we have had a chance to announce the deaths ourselves. That will not last long. I am afraid that you may suddenly become a source of news yourself. It will not take the news services long to remember who you are and your relationship with Elizabeth, as you are not exactly an unknown yourself. Victoria, you may also be caught in the backlash, as Patrick's brother. You may receive some attention yourself, as Robert was not unknown either. You also are somewhat known because of your FBI days with your brother. We will try to shield you as much as possible, but the press is very protective of their First Amendment rights and will insist on exposure to you. I'm sorry." The news executive really did look sorry as he talked to us. I really was being a jerk. I had a quick thought wondering how much of that sorrow was due to a loss of a valuable asset. I didn't voice that question, but nodded to him.

"I understand," I answered. "I had not thought that far yet, but I knew that would be the case. I will deal with it as I have to. My concern is to keep that attention from spilling over to our children. I do not want the press, however well intentioned their desire to protect the First Amendment, to hassle our girls. If that happens, I will deal with it myself. I guarantee that you will be much happier if you prevent it yourself. And they really don't want to have to deal with Victoria on this issue." I was trying to be nice, but there was going to be hell to pay if some idiot upset one of my girls even more than they were now. My girls included Victoria's girls also.

They were, of course, all in agreement. Of course they would be. The military was interested in a low profile. The war in Iraq was not the most popular subject these days. The military was concerned about the black eye it might get about the death of a famous, pretty female correspondent. Throw into the mix two pretty teenage daughters and a somewhat famous husband, with a very influential father, and it was a PR nightmare. Then, the news executive had a surprise for me. He pulled out a small box and handed it to me.

"These are some DVD's that I received from Elizabeth's camera man immediately after the incident. He was not with her that day. There are three DVD's, one for you and each of your daughters. He said Elizabeth had made them recently to be distributed to each person in case something happened to her. I am afraid I am acting contrary to her wishes in one aspect on this. Her instructions were to deliver the DVD's to each person individually and personally. I am reluctant to do that, however, as that would involve potentially exposing your daughters to the scrutiny of the press. If you will agree to change her instructions, I will just give them all to you to distribute to your daughters." I was touched that she had gone to this much trouble, and I agreed to take them.

Next, we moved on to the medical aspects. I felt Victoria take my hand and hold it under the table, squeezing hard. I squeezed back. I wasn't sure which one of us needed it most.

"Robert died of multiple gunshot wounds. He was already dead when we arrived on the scene. All attempts to revive him on the scene failed. The wounds were too numerous and the blood loss too massive for there to be any hope." The doctor spoke calmly and clinically. I'm sure that was the way they dealt with this everyday.

"Elizabeth's injuries were... more complex." I saw him glance sideways at the Marine officer and news executive. "She had numerous deep bruises, contusions, broken bones, a skull fracture, and bullet wounds. We did everything we could to save her, or at least prolong her life until you could arrive. We were somewhat hampered by the medications we could not use on her, but it would probably have not made any difference." I had the distinct feeling we were not being told everything about her. There was something else that bothered me about his statement, but I decided to deal with the evasions first.

"Doctor... I appreciate that you are very good at your job. What you are not very good at, however, is lying or evading the truth. I, on the other hand, have had extensive training at interviewing and determining if the information I receive is accurate and complete. In other words, what are you not telling me?" He looked at me, surprised. Suddenly, it dawned on me what they were attempting to hide. I grasped Victoria's hand even tighter. I turned to the Marine office.