Chapter 9

I looked at Megan as she sobbed uncontrollably. I looked into her eyes, and saw the demons there. Pain, sadness, guilt, panic, fear, terror, despair. Her eyes were dead, expressionless except for those demons. This sweet woman was dying inside and I had to do something about it. First, though, I had to assure her I didn't hate her.

I wrapped my arms around her and held her tight. She laid her head against my chest and just cried, and cried. As I held her, my mind tried to understand what she was saying, and failed. How could Megan have killed Elizabeth, Robert, and the baby? If she wasn't so upset, and so serious about what she was saying, I would have laughed at her. She was at home when they died, and they were in Iraq. Some insurgent assholes had killed them, not Megan. I didn't understand, but it wasn't important right now. What was important was keeping one of the sweetest women I had ever known from just melting down completely. I held her tight, but it just made her cry harder. I stroked her hair and kissed the top of her head, and still she cried. I whispered in her ear that I loved her, and she sobbed uncontrollably. Ok, there was one thing that always worked.

I kissed her. She tried to pull away, but I held the back of her head, and kissed her some more. It should have been gross. I could taste her tears and the snot from her nose, but it didn't matter. It was wonderful; she tasted wonderful. I refused to stop. I just kissed her and kissed her, over and over, until she had to make a choice; breathe or cry. Much as I'm sure she felt like she wanted to die at that time, her body insisted on breathing. When I felt her tongue softly touch my lips, I opened my mouth slightly and accepted her gift. I just about passed out. Between her and Amy, I thought I should swear off kisses, if I wanted to survive. I opened my eyes, to see Megan lying there, eyes closed, red hair everywhere, as beautiful as I had ever seen her. I saw a movement out of the corner of my eye and saw Amy and Cindi peaking around the door, watching us. They grinned happily as they saw us kissing, mouthed 'I love you!' together, and ducked back out of the room, closing the door. Nosey little imps!

I lay there for quite awhile, just holding Megan, kissing her, showing her I didn't hate her. She calmed down enough that she dozed off in my arms. She awoke with a start, panic in her eyes until she realized where she was. As she became aware that I was holding her and still kissing her, she relaxed a little, and the panic just became sadness.

"Still think I hate you?" I asked her gently. She looked at me sadly.

"You will. You haven't heard what I've done yet." She was scared again.

"Then, tell me. Let's get it over with. How could you kill Elizabeth, Robert, and the baby when you were thousands of miles away at the time?" I was still confused on where she was going with this.

Megan sighed deeply. She hugged me close, burying her face in my chest. Then she started talking softly. I could feel her tears on my chest.

"I told you already about the cycles to avoid all of us dying. The last cycle appeared to be working. But there were always two massive battles near the end of the cycles that we were never able to win. In the last cycle, Cindi's death allowed her to use the energy she normally used to maintain her body to defeat the first attack. The girls have shields that can protect them. There were RPG's fired at us as we left a cabin that blew right through Amy's shields, but Cindi was able to stop them using her increased power. Those rockets had always killed us before. Then came the final battle, where all the rest of us were always killed before. It was different this time. Because Cindi had died, they 'cloned' her body to try and put her mind in it and turn her to their side. Katie discovered their hideout and went there to help Cindi. They escaped together. Because of this, they had to move the body. This allowed us to catch them short handed. It turned out to be somewhat of a trap and you and Victoria were mortally injured trying to save me. You succeeded, but you were dying." Megan stopped speaking and started crying again. She was breathing fast, almost hyperventilating as she relived what had to be the most traumatic event of her life. I kissed her and urged her to continue.

"But we didn't die, did we? Somehow, you stopped that. Tell me, Megan. Let it out. You have to get rid of this burden you are carrying."

"I can never get rid of it," she sobbed. "I will always be guilty. But you deserve to know." I thought of something she had said earlier.

"Megan, you told me before that you could restore my memory of all this. Would it be easier for you to tell me that way?" I asked, trying to relieve her anxiety. She looked at me in panic.

"I can't! I can't let you see that way what I have done! I have to tell you first, before I restore your memories. Maybe, that way, you will understand a little and not completely hate me. I can't just hit you over the head that way. I'm responsible, and I have to tell you." She was adamant about this. She continued with her narration, trying to hold back the tears.

"I didn't have enough energy to save you and Victoria, and put Cindi in her new body. Cindi's allowable time without a body was ending, and I had to put her in the new body, or she would die, forever. You and Victoria were dying of massive bullet wounds. I had three people to save, and only enough energy to save maybe two. We had known this might happen. The only viable solution known was to let Victoria die." I'm sure she felt me stiffen beside her. "I could not, would not let that happen. It was unacceptable. How could I look you in the face everyday, knowing, and worse, you knowing, that I had let your twin sister and wife die? There were only two other ways around it. One was to sacrifice my life, by putting myself in a state known as feedback overload, to release all my energy to heal you three. Then I would die. I was willing to do that. The other way, the one I elected to take, was..." her voice dropped to a terrified whisper, "to invoke Protocol 14!" She stopped speaking again, hiding in my chest. I stroked her hair and kissed her again, trying to show her I loved her.

I didn't know what Protocol 14 was. I didn't understand any of this. But she obviously knew, and it apparently was terrible. I felt her body trembling as she worked up the courage to go on.

"Protocol 14 was designed by our... ancestors, just for this reason. Very few knew about it. I may have been the only one left to know of it, besides the leader, and he had forgotten about it. They knew we would reach this stage someday and would need it. But the forces that made it work demanded a high price. The number of people to die had to remain constant. I could only save you two if two lives were forfeited as the cycles ended. There was no exception. I didn't know who those people would be. I didn't, Patrick! I promise I didn't! I might not have done it if I had known it would be Elizabeth. I just would have gone into overload. Patrick, I didn't kill her so I could have you! Honest, I didn't! I wouldn't ever do that! Oh God, Patrick, I swear I wouldn't have!" As she slid into panic and hysteria again, as I hugged and kissed her to calm her down, I realized this was part of the source of her guilt. Was she trying to convince herself, or me? I didn't need convincing. I knew she would never do that.

"I know, sweetheart, I know you wouldn't. I know you better than that." I had to get her off that subject, fast.

"What did Protocol 14 do?" I asked, trying to take her mind off what we were talking about. I thought I saw where this was going now.

"It called in the power of everyone like us everywhere. I was unconscious at the time but they tell me dozens of colors of lightning came from the ceiling. All of them combined through the leader to provide the energy to save all of you. They said it was very impressive." She looked like she was sorry to have missed it.

"There are others of us? We are not the only ones?" I saw her eyes widen in surprise. She had not thought through this ramification.

"That means there must be, doesn't it? I never thought of that before!" She seemed surprised that she had missed that.

"I guess we have no idea who they are or where they are?" I already knew the answer, but Megan was doing much better when I kept her talking.

"No, and the leader, the man in white, never said anything about them either. I wonder if he caught that." She seemed excited that we had discovered something he might have missed.

"So, how was Protocol 14 activated? Did you have sole authority to do it?" I figured here was her guilt.

"No. Three members of the council had to approve it. One of those three could be the leader, and in fact, was. Then the leader activated it. He only did that after I put myself in feedback overload mode to save you. He refused before that due to the ramifications of activating Protocol 14. Someone intervened to convince him to authorize it."

"And those ramifications are?" I was beginning to dislike this leader. He was going to let my Victoria die?!?

"The death of two people to compensate for the two that we saved. We also had to use too much time doing this, which allowed the leader on the other side, the man that disappeared, to escape. This leaves the potential for future problems."

"Who is our leader? Where is he now?" I asked. Megan's eyes got real big and she looked panicky again.

"I can't tell you that! Please don't ask me to tell you that!" I could tell she meant it.

"Aren't I going to know anyway when you restore my memory?" It seemed logical to me.

"Yes. If I decide to do that. I don't have to. It's up to me. I'm not sure I want to put you through the pain that those memories cause me." God, she was sweet! She would continue to suffer alone, a pain that was overwhelming her, rather that bring me pain. She was also crazy.

"Megan, you have to restore my memory. This... scribe?... function you do... it is too much for you to handle alone. If you restore my memory, I can help you with it. I can help you avoid silly conclusions like that you killed Elizabeth." She looked at me sharply, angry at first, thinking I was making fun of her. When she saw I was serious, she calmed down. "Besides, you might as well. The fact that you won't tell me who it is tells me that it's me. You are keeping a secret that's no longer a secret. I just don't understand how I could be there twice in two different forms at the same time. I also don't understand how I could even consider letting Victoria die." I was guessing, but I thought it was a good guess. The shock in her eyes told me it was a right guess, also.

"I didn't say that! I never said it was you! I didn't say that! I didn't!" There were so many things this woman panicked about. She needed help; she couldn't handle it alone. Her guilt was overwhelming her. Well, I knew how to take care of that. It would hurt her, but I could take her guilt away. Then I felt the blood drain from my face as I realized the ramifications of how I was going to take her guilt away. The guilt was mine, not hers. She had been carrying it all this time for me.

"Patrick? What's wrong? You look like you've seen a ghost! What is it, honey?" My heart thrilled when she called me 'honey'.

"Megan... you said the activation of... Protocol 14?... had to be approved by the man in white, the leader. Right?" I asked her gently. I had to proceed cautiously; I didn't want to hurt her any more than I had to. I waited for her to answer.

"Yes. Only he could activate it, with the approval of three members of the counsel." She was puzzled on where I was going with this. She was watching me closely, aware of how careful, and nervous, I was about this.

"So, if he had refused, either as a member of the council, or as the final activator, it would not happen? Could he allow it as a council member, and then refuse to activate it?" Careful! She mustn't know where I was going with this until I got there. It would be hard enough, without having time to think about it.

"Yes, he could. In fact, that's what he did. That's why I initiated the feedback overload. What are you getting at, Patrick?" She was getting concerned. She knew me as well as I knew her. She knew how careful I was being at arriving at my conclusion, and she knew that level of care was not good. Poor little thing. She probably thought I was going to dump more guilt on her. Instead, I was putting it where it belonged.

"Megan, dear, you are not responsible for those deaths; I am. I approved it. It would not have happened had I not let it. I killed them, not you." I knew where I was going with this, but I didn't expect how devastated I would feel when I actually put it in words. I had killed Elizabeth and I had caused Victoria's heartache. That one I could live with, because the alternative was that Victoria would have died. I liked Robert, but I would pick Victoria over him any day if I was forced to choose. And I was. I watched Megan's eyes and mouth open wide in horror, as she covered her mouth with her hand in distress. Then she tried to speak.

"Oh God, no Patrick! You didn't kill them! That's not what I was trying to say! It was my idea! In fact, you resisted it. You were going to let... I'm not making this any better, am I?" She finished in a tiny voice. She had realized what she was going to say. I was going to let Victoria die instead. Now that was something I really didn't need to be reminded of! She tried again.

"Patrick, you were acting from the viewpoint of dozens of cycles, and what hadn't worked before. You were trying to save the whole family. There was no fault on your part no matter which way you went. You can't blame yourself!" Megan, the Helper, trying to make me feel better. She didn't see the application of what she was saying as it pertained to herself.

"Exactly. Just as you were when you invoked the Protocol. You were trying to save the whole family, not just part of it as I was. You can't have it both ways, Megan. Either we are both guilty of killing them, or neither of us are. Which way will it be?" I held my breath, waiting to see how she would go. I figured she would do just about anything to keep me from being the guilty party. Even I hoped, to giving up her own guilt, just to save me from mine. I knew I had won when she gave me a brilliant smile that lit up the whole room. I hadn't seen one of those in a very long time.

"Ok, you win! Neither of us is responsible. Do you know how much I love you?" She asked, as she buried her face in my chest and sobbed her heart out. Now what? I realized as she began to calm down that she was just releasing a lot of pent up emotion.

"Probably about as much as I love you, Megan." I smiled at her; I'm sure it was as brilliant as her smile. At least it felt like it. Then it faded, as I was kicked in the gut by another load of guilt I was carrying.

"Megan... I'm sorry. You must think I'm a real class act. My wife is barely cold in her grave and I've already had sex with someone else and am telling you I love you. Real loyal, aren't I?" I buried my head in her chest this time and started crying. She held me until I had cried it all out. Then she looked at me and smiled gently.

"Cindi?" She asked, unnecessarily. She didn't mean who I had slept with; she and the whole world knew about that, thanks to Samantha. She meant who I felt guilty about. I nodded. She kissed me softly. "Good. You needed to get that cry out."

"First of all," she told me, "you don't have any need to feel guilty about Cindi. She was upset, and more importantly, saw you were upset and took the opportunity to help you. It was sweet, what she did. I'm just surprised Amy wasn't in on it too. They have wanted you for years; they just knew how much you loved Elizabeth and wouldn't have tried anything, but it was bound to happen. Secondly, you've probably figured out that sex, in the context of love, is a way to activate the girl's powers. At least with those two; I don't know about the other four." She laughed at my look of horror. "Sorry, but it is the best way with your own children. Incest has never been a big concern with us, nor is underage sex once we reach thirteen. It just ain't underage for us. Third, you telling me that you love me is the fulfillment of a dream, fantasy, and a destiny I have been waiting for for years. I have wanted to make love to you again for years. Maybe now I will get the chance. Fourth, I know Elizabeth put the thought in Cindi's horny little brain about taking care of you in that way. If she didn't feel bad about it, why should you? Fifth, things have not been wonderful between you and Elizabeth for a little while, I know you still loved her, and she loved you, but you both were starting to realize that your marriage would never be perfect for either of you. Neither one would have done anything about it, because you both really did love each other, but neither of you were deliriously happy. Now, I need to take a nap. I've used up my ration of talking for weeks here." She grinned and I laughed, but she wasn't getting away that easy. She just said something I just had to pursue. She appeared to be wrong on something. Megan, wrong? I couldn't let this pass. I can be a real idiot sometimes, and she proceeded to show me this was one of those times.

"You seem to be mistaken about something, Megan. You have wanted to make love to me again for years? As far as I can remember, this will be our first time, whenever it happens. Believe me, I would have remembered something like that." I watched her eyes get big, and she put her hand over her mouth again. I loved that, almost as much as when she bit her lower lip. By the way, she did that too as she had her hand over her mouth. Both of them made her look like a teenager, like my teenagers, and somehow looked vaguely familiar on her. The she giggled nervously.