Chapter 7: The Thoughts of a Woman

"I'm not sure what I'm looking for anymore
I just know that I'm harder to console
I don't see who I'm trying to be instead of me
But the key is a question of control"

- A Pain that I'm Used To (Depeche Mode)

As soon as the apartment door closed behind her, the smile on Sandra's face disappeared. She had made her toughest decision ever and it had been because she was both sad and afraid. For the first time in years, she was afraid, afraid of herself. She had spent the last five years trying to remove all fear and tonight her self-imposed fearlessness had failed. She could feel tears wanting to run down her cheeks but determining not to cry, she hurried out in the cold weather.

Sandra started to ponder on why she was afraid. It had all started that morning. Why had she entered the shower? She had not intended to. She had just planned on taking her morning shower as she usually did. Still a bit worn out from the night before, she had not even noticed that someone was in there. When she had been about to enter it, she had seen Martin. Even though she should have walked away, she had not. Instead, she had been compelled to hug him and thank him for being so understanding about her and Jessica's needs. After that, she was suddenly soaping his body like she and Jessica usually did.

"You bloody fool. Why? Why did you do that?" Sandra said quietly to herself as she headed for her car.

The worst thing was that she had even enjoyed it. When she had realised what she was doing in the shower she became scared and embarrassed. She had tried to hide her embarrassment by turning it into some kind of flirt and embarrassing him instead. She had not been afraid of flirting with a guy, she had been afraid because she was losing control. She had been excited being around a guy, something she had not been since that fatal incident five years ago. My god, she had even kissed Martin in a sudden urge of lust. Hiding her embarrassment, she had bolted from the shower and instead headed back to the bed to have a long chat with Jessica.

The chat had confirmed her suspicions; Jessica was falling in love with Martin. Jessica had not said it in words but Sandra had known. She had also known that she loved Jessica too much to stand in the way of her happiness. Jessica was better of with a nice guy like Martin than with damaged goods like her. Heck, she was still surprised that Jessica was still with her, considering her nightmares and all.

When Martin later had asked her to pretend to be his girlfriend, she had eagerly accepted thinking it was a good way to get a little revenge on him. She had decided to tease him mercilessly all day but in the end she had been victim of her own antics. Instead of driving him insane, she was the one filled with desire. She had been clinging to his arm and actually liked it. She had this fuzzy feeling inside of her the entire time and it was if she had been herself for the first time in years. The experience had been euphoric, but it had also scared her. Afraid of losing control and liking it. In fact, she had liked it so much that she had to run into the bathroom and satisfy herself before she did something she would regret.

She had still been in the bathroom when it struck her why she was so attracted to Martin. She trusted him. He had been the first person to earn her trust since the incident. She had only known him for day and she still trusted him even more than she had trusted Jessica. He was the kind of person that hung his heart on the outside of his clothes. His emotions were so easy to read and it seemed like he was incapable of lying. Martin simply was himself and just loved persons unconditionally. This was probably why Jessica was attracted to him as well. In fact, finding someone she could trust completely was the best thing that could ever have happened to Jessica.

It had been there in the bathroom, her plan had begun to form in her head. Sandra had returned to the exhibition but kept thinking about her plan. Jessica was the most important thing in her life and she would do anything to make her happy, even if it meant that she became unhappy. She had excused herself from Martin using the excuse that she needed to make some phone calls concerning her business.

Sandra had headed for the phone at the entrance of the gallery and called Jessica. After a short conversation, Sandra had told Jessica that she knew that Jessica was in love with Martin and that she would let them do anything they wanted that night. She would not get in their way.

Sandra had hung up the phone and she had felt sad, but she knew that it was for the best. She had been about to go looking for Martin when she had run into Emma.

"We really need to talk about Martin, and I don't think he should be present," Emma had said.

"I think so as well," Sandra had replied.

"I don't have the time right now but this should be done quite soon."

Remembering the theatre tickets, Sandra had not been able to get rid of yet she said, "If you are free tonight I have a couple of tickets to a Midsummer's Nights Dream."

"That would be perfect. I got to run but I'll see you outside of the theatre."

Sandra's flashback ended as she got out of the car. She had driven there in a trance, thinking back on the events that had occurred earlier that day. It was really cold outside and she was more than half an hour early. She and Emma had not set a time of their meet but she did not want to be late.

Sandra did not have to wait even a minute before she could see Emma walking towards her.

"Hi, I guess I was not the only one wanting to be early. Did you have to wait long?" Emma asked.