Chapter 8: We Need To Have That Talk Now - May, 1996

Part 1: You Should Have Let Me Leave the Note

Unable to think of anything to say Darryl was suddenly ashamed and embarrassed, both by the contents of the note, which he knew she could infer, and for his cowardice in choosing to write a note at all. He crumpled the note and threw it in the trash and just sat there until he felt Courtney gently put her hand on his shoulder. When he turned around his eyes were downcast until she took his chin and raised his face towards her. Along with sadness, he saw understanding and love in her eyes, but no anger.

She took his hand. "Come with me Darryl, don't try to speak now, we'll talk tomorrow, just come to bed with me."

He followed her wordlessly, once again totally mystified by the subtleties and mysteries of the feminine heart. He would have expected questions, recriminations, hysterics even, but this gentle handling, almost coddling surprised him. Could Courtney had planned this whole thing knowing the emotional trauma the concert might bring him? In the bedroom he stood passively as she gently undressed him and then took him in her arms kissing him warmly though not passionately or seductively. She lifted the corner of the bedding and silently urged him into the bed. She went to her usual side of the bed and standing directly facing him, looking straight into his eyes, began to disrobe. It was something less than a striptease but certainly more than merely undressing for bed. Despite the awkwardness of the situation Darryl's body still responded and the tenting in the bedding brought a slight smile to her lips.

Courtney climbed into the bed and slid herself over to be in direct contact with Darryl. She rolled over on her side as though she were studying him until finally she leaned over and gave him another warm and loving but not provocative kiss. It was a kiss that spoke of love and trust and hope rather than sex and passion. On breaking the kiss she cradled his head in her arms and pulled him to her breast. The softness and warmth of a woman's breast drew the fear and despair from him, replacing it with primordial comfort. His lips sought the nipple and he gently began to suckle using programming buried deep in his brain since birth. She responded with maternal instincts that were her birthright, and stroked his troubled brow while making gentle soothing sounds. It was now well into the early morning after a long and exhausting day and after a very short time they both were sound asleep, Darryl still at her breast.

A few hours later Courtney awoke to the dawn light from the lake streaming into their bedroom. She sat up on one elbow and watched Darryl sleeping wondering what this day would bring. Was this to be the end of all their dreams? The bright dawn light reflecting off the lake awoke him as well and his first sight on opening his eyes was her looking at him.

"Courtney, I'm sorry."

She placed a finger across his lips. "No my love, nobody's done anything to be sorry about yet. No one is hurt. Before that can change I want to make love. I want to make love not tainted by fears of what may happen in the future but only based on our love. Can we still do that?"

"Yes, I believe we can, I'd like to try."

"And Darryl, don't misunderstand, this is not like the condemned prisoner's last meal. I want to do this to celebrate my faith in our future together, my faith that we have a future together, not to mourn the end."

Darryl did not respond beyond a supportive smile. In his deepest thoughts, he didn't share in her optimistic outlook, although he wanted to cling to some hope even now. Fortunately, she didn't seem inclined to push him.

Courtney jumped out of bed and took Darryl's hand. "Come on. Let's start with a shower. We'll wash each other's backs."

Darryl began by shampooing Courtney's long beautiful hair. Like most women, she loved to have her hair handled, and he loved doing it for her. Then they took turns bathing each other by hand, taking time to rediscover their bodies and to enjoy the simple pleasures of touching. They embraced just to enjoy the special feel of skin to skin contact enhanced by the slippery surface of soap and water. She especially enjoyed capturing one of his legs between hers and then sliding up and down his wet upper thigh to excite her labia and clitoris. At the same time she would use the intermittent contact of her leg to massage his erection. She put her arms around his neck and pulled them together for a kiss and her breasts into his chest where the water allowed her fully erect nipples to slide freely around his chest. He lowered his mouth to capture a nipple between his lips and nip the sensitive bud with his teeth. Then he turned her around cradling her back to his front so he could reach around and fondle both breasts. She laid her head back next to his while she reached behind herself to stroke his flanks. She pressed back against his cock using a slow grinding motion of her hips to keep him stimulated and erect. They danced this silent dance until Courtney suddenly swung around directly into a kiss. She came with open soft lips but reluctance on his, her lips and tongue laid and patient siege until he responded and the kiss finally gained the passion worthy of a pair of lovers.

"Want me here?" she asked, "Or do you want to hold out for a bed?"

"I want you right now but I think I'll wait. I'm feeling a little waterlogged."

They exited the shower and leisurely dried each other with the decadently thick spa towels. They wrapped up in spa robes made of the same material and Darryl tenderly brushed the tangles out of her hair. Few words were exchanged since both were very aware that the thread connecting them was at this moment very fragile, but neither was quite ready to be the one to snap it. There still was, and always would be, their long shared history of a tender love so caring touches and caresses remained comfortable and natural. Less certain was whether they still were, or would for very long be, lovers so the intimacies that lovers share were less comfortable.

They lay together on their bed beginning their familiar dance of love, but today the rhythm was off as Courtney's desperate need to prove that everything was normal had her pulling ahead just as Darryl's fear that things were far from normal had him holding back. The tension resulted in their usually graceful choreography of love being replaced by a herky-jerky facsimile which had all of the same motions but lacked the fire and passion that made them real. They both would have preferred to finish this little drama if only to postpone once again facing the crisis in their relationship, but this was not to be. The whole house of cards was pulled down by the most often maligned of all human organs, the penis. A troublemaker of an organ, yes, sometimes without conscience, always without intelligence, but never dishonest. Men can, and often do lie to women with their lips, but whatever opinion is expressed from the groin is honest and dependable. This is why men are never accused of faking orgasms. And this is why Darryl found himself incapable of maintaining an erection long enough to consummate an act of love with Courtney. No matter how much he might want to lie to himself, or they might lie to each other, that most honest of organs wasn't buying it and didn't care who knew it. Finally, in a mixture of embarrassment and frustration they rolled apart and lay beside each other on the bed. For a few moments there was silence.

Finally Courtney spoke. "I guess we need to have that talk now."

"Yes, I think so."

They got dressed in silence without making eye contact, both dreading what was coming.

"Darryl, look at me, I'm not the enemy. We have some serious problems, maybe even problems we can't solve. But please don't let that take away all we've meant to each other for so many years. I love you and always will."

He did look and saw the gleam of tears in her eyes. "And I will always love you." And he took her hand as they walked to the lake. There was never a question of where they would talk. It was a constant in their relationship that all serious discussions and events would occur here. And if it was to come to it, their relationship would end here, where it began with a kiss, and a promise, yet unfulfilled. For several minutes, they sat on the dock silently, neither wanting to be the one to start.

Finally Darryl turned to her. "Why Courtney, why did you want me to experience the concert in that way?"

"I just wanted you to know what it was like for me, what it meant to me."

"But why? So I would know that you could never give it up? That our relationship has no chance at all?"

"I already said that I would cut back like you asked, I've already agreed to give it up for you."

"Courtney, I was on that stage, I saw you with my own eyes. I felt that crowd. You can't give up touring; it would be like cutting out your heart. What you get from being on that stage, nothing else can give you. No one can replace that. I can't ask you to give that up!"

"I'm at least willing to try."

"I really think you would. But if you did and we were to get married, you would harbor somewhere deep in your heart such a resentment, such a feeling of loss. The first time we had a serious fight or our marriage was under stress, it would all come out. You would be so bitter you would hate me over the price you had to pay. No marriage could survive such a burden."

"You mean you aren't willing to take a risk."

"I mean I'm not willing to have us spend a couple years of our lives setting ourselves up for an even bigger hurt."

"Why are you so certain now that we can't make it?"

"Courtney, look at me, I'm just a man, a man that loves you, but just one man. I can't fill the void left by millions of devoted fans who come out 20,000 at a time to scream their love to you. I can't transport you to that place where they can. I saw you look right through me Courtney. I saw the expression on your face. I don't know where you were but you were not on that stage with me. I can't let you give them up and pretend that I can replace them because I can't."

"You've always been jealous of my music, Darryl but my fans are not rivals for my affection. That's entirely different."

"Is it? I'm not so sure. In terms of demands on your time and attention certainly they are rivals. I think you underestimate how much they fill your emotional needs. When I travel with you on tour, I notice we seldom make love and you come to me much less for emotional support and affection. I thought at first that it was just your busy schedule, but the more I observed the more I realized that it was more a case of your needing me less."

Anger clouded her face now and added a sharp tone to her voice. "I think you are being unfair now. I'm proud of my career; I worked hard to build up my fans. But I damned sure didn't do it to replace you Darryl. You weren't even around and I didn't know if I would ever see you again. What did you expect me to do? Not start a career just in case you showed up?"

"Of course not. But that is the point isn't it. We're trying to build a relationship based on promises and expectations made long ago and fit it into lives built in a decade apart. There is no guarantee that can be done. It is as though you had found another love to take my place, and that love, the love of your fans and your music has been there to nurture you and sustain you for years when I was just a memory. Maybe there have been too many changes in your life. Maybe you have changed too much to have a place for me."

Courtney's anger rose, her face was showing color, and tension showed in her jaw and neck. "My life, changes in me? God damn you Darryl! You want to put this all on me? Make it my fault if we split up? You're the one giving up and leaving, not me! Yes maybe my life did change. Yes, I built a successful career. Sorry, that you can't handle that. Maybe that's your problem not mine. You're just not man enough to not be jealous of my success. I guess Aubrey was right after all, childhood sweethearts, like childhood toys and other childish things should be put away when we grow up. Maybe I just grew up Darryl and you really are just something left from my childhood."

Darryl was now visibly angry too. "Oh you grew up alright, you grew up into a selfish egotistical prima-dona bitch who thinks the universe needs to orbit around your pretty little ass, because everything is always all about you."

SMACK! Courtney slapped him across the cheek so hard his head snapped back. They both were stunned, so out of character was the act, for a few seconds neither moved or spoke.

Darryl broke the silence; the anger in voice had been replaced by resignation as he quietly said, "You should have let me leave the note it was a lot better way to say goodbye."

Part 2: I Would Fix It If I Could

Without another word, even a simple farewell, Darryl turned and headed for his jeep still packed from the night before. He never looked back. Courtney watched him first angry, then with a mixture of disbelief and panic, frozen in place, unable to find her voice or even move.

By the time she was able to shout, "Darryl, please stop, don't go, I'm sorry, please don't leave me!" It was far too late. He was already in the jeep and pulling away from the house. He never heard her. Nor is it at all certain what he would have done if he had. They were both sailing uncharted seas now. The certainty that their love and their relationship was for life was such an article of faith with both of them that they had no contingency plan to fall back on. Being apart again was something that was never supposed to happen. Being apart forever was not even included in their universe. He had a place to go to, and a reason to go there. The year had not hurt him professionally and he would be able get right back into his career. Right now, he wanted, no, needed, to get back in so deep that he would bury the pain under work. He knew just the person to help him get the kind of assignment, and was heading there, as fast as he thought he could drive and still talk the local constabulary out of a ticket.

Courtney watched the jeep disappear through tear-filled eyes. As she began to understand the implications of what had happened, all the information she had to process was too much for her. She collapsed on the pier unconscious. Karl, who spotted her collapse on the security monitor, ran to the pier and gently cradled her head until she came to. She looked around for a moment, recognized Karl, then broke into heart-rending sobs.

"Oh Karl," "I totally fucked up everything. I was trying so hard to make things work between us and I slapped him. Can you fucking believe I slapped him? Now he's gone. He's not coming back. I slapped him, what a fucking idiot I am. I made him leave. Oh Karl, what am I going to do?"

In all the years he had worked for Courtney, he had never once heard her curse, let alone use the "f" word; now suddenly her language would embarrass the 2^nd Mate on a garbage scow. He tried to calm her which was difficult because he believed she was right. After the experiences of he last few days, he didn't expect to ever see Darryl again. He also realized that this was exactly what she didn't need to hear.

"Shh, it'll be alright, it's just a little spat. You guys are meant to be together. It'll all work out."

Maybe it was the words, and maybe it was just the tone of his voice, but this soothed her slightly. As she clung to his arm and continued to cry Karl motioned one of his men over. "Call Jaclyn to meet me in the master suite. Tell her to call Dr. Browning, make sure she understands to call Dr. Browning. Contact the main gate; nobody other than regulars comes in except the Doctor, and absolutely repeat absolutely no press, got it."

"Yes sir, Jaclyn, Browning, put a lid on."

Karl picked Courtney up and carried her back to the master suite where he gently laid her on the bed. She rolled over, grabbed the pillow, and continued to sob. Karl Jager was a man of many talents; he was a top security man, a competitive triathlon athlete, and fit enough to carry 120 lbs. of female 100 yds. to get her here, but when it came to dealing with a woman crying of a broken heart, his abilities were like all men's... essentially nonexistent. He was greatly relieved when the door opened and a distraught looking Jaclyn came in.

"O.K. Karl, tell me what's going on here. What happened to Courtney? Is she alright?"

"Physically, I think so, emotionally you tell me. That's why I suggested Dr. Browning. Being a psychiatrist she is a MD and she can check her out physically as well as emotionally. There's the gender thing too, you know."

"Yes I do know, you guys don't do emotions. Don't think I didn't see the relief in your face when I showed up to take this crying female off your hands. I'll get the whole story from her eventually but tell me what you know."

"Not much really, I saw the whole thing on a security monitor but of course I couldn't hear anything. They came out and walked out to the pier. They seemed to be friendly enough, even holding hands, but I noticed they weren't their usual 'get-a-room' kind of friendly. They talked for a while and I noticed that their body language indicated they were pulling apart, so I figured whatever they were talking about, wasn't going too well. Courtney looked hot about something And Darryl looked like he was trying to calm her; at least he didn't look as angry. I guess it didn't work because suddenly she hauled off and slapped the shit out of him. I'm talking a roundhouse, trying to take his head off his shoulders slap."

"What did Darryl do when she slapped him?"

"Not much, he just stood there for a second, said something, then walked to his jeep and drove off. He never even looked back, not once. She just collapsed suddenly like a puppet with all her strings cut at once. I ran down to the pier held her until she came around cussing like a gunnery sergeant."

"Courtney cussing, that's unusual right there. Well you go on Karl, I'll take over here. You go try to keep us out of the papers.

Jaclyn went in and sat on the edge of the bed. She took Courtney's hand and held it. "Courtney, it's Jaclyn, I'm going to stay with you as long as you need me. If you want to talk, I'm here."

For a while nothing happened, Courtney just continued to sob into her pillow while Jaclyn held her hand, made soothing sounds, and gently rubbed the back of her neck. Finally Courtney rolled over and looked at her friend. "Oh Jaclyn, I wanted so much to make things right, but instead I called him a childhood toy and slapped him. I fucked up everything and he's gone. Oh Jaclyn, fix things for me, please. You always do."

Part 3: Do you Have Any Hot Assignments?

James McNicol's mountain home was a little too fancy to call a cabin and maybe a little rustic to call a house but it was built on the edge of a cliff with a view like you usually see on an Audubon calendar. There was smoke rising from the chimney and James's serious looking jeep parked in the driveway so Darryl figured he was home. He crossed the wooden porch to knock but before he could touch the door the familiar booming voice of his mentor called out "Come in Darryl, I've been expecting you."