Chapter 11: June 1-2, 1996 In Search Of New Answers

The truth is that our finest moments are most likely to occur when we are feeling deeply uncomfortable, unhappy, or unfulfilled. For it is only in such moments, propelled by our discomfort, that we are likely to step out of our ruts and start searching for different ways or truer answers.

M. Scott Peck:

South Dakota June 1-2, 1996

... I have seen that in any great undertaking it is not enough for a man to depend simply upon himself.

-Lone Man (Isna-la-wica)(Teton Sioux)

Gaho's daughter Leotie and Courtney took the Jeep for the two and a half hour drive to the tribal lands. Leotie put the time to good use in both collecting and providing information.

"Now that you are going to be on tribal land, I am going to address you as Courtney again. Many tribal members would find it offensive to hear a white person being addressed with a Native American name unless you are made a relative. You also would not be eligible to make a Lakota vision quest unless you are a relative."

"But I thought that..."

"Gaho promised to help you and she will. She has great spiritual powers and wisdom. If she does not feel you can become a relative she can still use her powers on your behalf and guide you. But because Jaclyn is a member of the tribe, a blood relative of Gaho and has been like a sister to you for many years; you are a very good candidate for Hunkapi, the rite to make you a relative. This would require your consent, of course, and Gaho's judgment that your heart is compatible with the beliefs and customs of the Lakota Sioux. Also she would have to feel a spiritual bond before she could make you part of her family."

"Wow, I hope I can measure up to all that. I'm afraid that I know very little about your customs."

"That's not so crucial. Gaho will teach you those. What is important is that your heart is not full of greed and bitterness and that you are willing to live in harmony with the earth. These are things that are not easily learned. Gaho already feels that she has a spiritual bond with you because she was able to see you in her vision before she even met you. I don't think you will have trouble connecting with her. I see you brought your guitar. That should help; she definitely loves the sound of your voice."

"What else is involved in the process of Hunk... ? I'm sorry, the name..."

"Hunkapi, that's OK, our words can be difficult. Hunkapi is fairly simple as Lakota ceremonies go. There is some ritual but a lot of it is talking about your place in the community and your responsibilities. If you become a relative, I warn you, Gaho will expect to hear from you, and see you occasionally. If you ever have children you might as well plan on them spending some of their summers here. Otherwise you would be no true relative."

"I don't think this will be a problem. Jaclyn, or Olathe I should call her, has told me that her summers here were the very happiest memories she has of childhood. I would not deny my children that experience. Can I ask you what it is like to be the actual child of Gaho?"

"Certainly you may. As you know, Gaho has many children who claim her as a spiritual mother, but as far as actual blood descendants, there are only me and my twin brother Odakota. My father passed away when we were young, so Gaho has reared us by herself. She is a wise and loving mother and she has sacrificed much for us. I am attempting to pay back to my people by combining the traditional spiritual healing of my mother and mainstream psychology, hoping to find the best of both. I have a degree in Community Counseling from the University of South Dakota. This fall I will start taking courses in Lakota Studies at Sinte Gleska University to learn more about the tradition and history of my people. Most of all, I have been learning from Gaho all my life, and while I may never have her spiritual powers, she has taught me much. I can do things and visualize things that I cannot explain with my psychology training. Gaho's powers are even more outside of western conventions of psychology."

"Then why do you bother learning the psychology at all?"

"Many of the traditional ways only work well on subjects who are cooperative and share similar beliefs. That's one reason you will need preparation for a vision quest. Unfortunately, some of our own people, especially young people, have drifted away from the old traditions, and Gaho's methods do not work as well. Substance abusers are another problem. Gaho says she can make no connection with a person on drugs, it's just not possible. In these cases, my more conventional methods are useful."

"I guess I'm sort of a problem being ignorant of the traditions. Will you be helping Gaho with me?"

"Very astute Courtney, as a matter of fact I am even as we speak. That makes my job a little simpler since you've already guessed; I won't even pretend that we're just two girls chatting to kill time. I want to use this trip to gather some personal history and background. Is that alright with you?"

"Of course, I don't see how you could be expected to help me without it."

"Wonderful, I had Olathe give me enough information to know where to start. And I want to start with your relationship with Darryl. Where did you first meet him?"

"My best friend's grandparents had this house on a lake with a dock. We snuck out one night, and I met him there when we were eight."

"And what happened that night?"

"We kissed."

"Did he kiss you or did you kiss him?"

"Does it really matter, we were eight?"

"Sometimes relationship patterns show up very early, please try to answer and be as honest and open as possible."

"OK, it was definitely me, I grabbed him and kissed him and jumped up before he could react."

"Courtney, did anything else unusual happen or was anything unusual said that evening?"

"I told him I was going to marry him someday."

"Allowing for your age, were you in your own mind serious when you told him that?"

"Completely."

"In your entire life, have you ever said anything like that to anybody else?"

"No, I never have."

"In your entire life have you ever told another man that you love him?"

"No, I never have."

"When was your first sexual experience involving another person, and was that person male or female?"

"Fourteen, and male."

"Darryl?"

"Yes, all my early sexual experience was with him."

"At what age did you lose your virginity?"

"Nineteen."

"Darryl?"

Courtney hesitated then in almost a sob, "NO, but it should have been. It was the stupidest mistake of my life. I just got cold feet."

"Darryl wouldn't wait?"

"Darryl was wonderfully patient, but before we could get together to try again, my father deserted us and we had to move away to avoid creditors."

"Is your father still alive?"

"No, he was killed by a very large truck while riding around in his fancy sports car with his latest slut."

"Did you cry when your father died?"

"No, I felt a bit sorry for the girl, I felt nothing for him."

"Courtney, it is very rare for a daughter to feel nothing at her father's death, even in cases of desertion. Is there more that you haven't told me?"

"I don't know what you mean."

"Don't block on me Courtney, I need it all. Did your father beat you?"

"No, he never hit me."

"Did he sexually molest you?" Instead of answering, Courtney began to weep and curled up in a ball on the seat as though she wanted to disappear.

"Oh God," Leotie said, "He did. I'm so sorry. I'm pulling over." Leotie pulled the Jeep well off the road while Courtney trembled with emotion.

"Let it out, Courtney, it's OK to cry. Breathe into it."

Finally Courtney lay still and began to dry her face.

"I'm sorry Leotie, I've never talked about that to anyone and I thought I had it safely buried."

"The real crime of sexual abuse of children is that the effects can last a lifetime. Did your mother know?"

"Oh no, I've never told her, and I never will. She would blame herself."

"And who do you blame?"

"I always thought there was something I did to deserve it, that it was somehow my fault. Oh I hated him for touching me, but I also blamed myself. I think I still do somehow although I know that's wrong. I didn't deserve that. I just wanted my daddy to love me."

Leotie saw the tears start to well up. "We won't talk about this anymore today. We will deal with it with Gaho's help. I think it may well be the underlying cause of some of the trouble you are having trusting more of your life to another person. Your trust was betrayed by the very person who was supposed to protect you. Let's talk about what we're going to do. You must have questions about the vision quest."

"I have a million but some I will save for Gaho. How do you see the vision quest working?"

"I'm not sure psychology has all of those answers but we do recognize the combination of isolation, deprivation, fasting and meditation as powerful stimulators of deep introspective thought, and even hallucinations. Which is just a fancy way of saying that while the classic vision quest is a uniquely Lakota Sioux tradition, cultures worldwide have independently evolved surprisingly similar customs for the same purpose. The Australian Aborigines on Walk About, Buddhist Monks, and Hindu holy men all use getting away from material things, fasting and meditation in an attempt to reach a deeper insight. Western medicine has also studied how the lack of stimuli and the partial starvation promote hallucinations or, if you prefer, visions. Modern science has a great deal more trouble explaining how these visions are often proven right."

"Is it coincidence or wishful thinking or true insight?"

"You tell me, you were there on the phone. How did Gaho know about Olathe's love affair? How did she know to ask me for the recordings of the woman who was like a sister to Olathe? She knew you were in emotional distress and had lost your beautiful voice. My mother knows nothing about pop music, how did she know I had recordings? How did she know you would call? I have lived with the woman my entire life, and I have no explanation of how she sees the things she sees. I don't think she does either."

The conversation carried them over the flat desolation of the South Dakota landscape. Before long they had pulled into a modest village of homes and a few stores which Leotie identified as her hometown, a settlement of her tribe. The Jeep pulled up to one modest but very well kept home, somewhat larger than most others in the village. Standing on the porch were a large full breasted woman, with a face that radiated warmth, and a very handsome figure of a man in a khaki uniform with such classic chiseled Native American features he might have just stepped out of a conservation poster. There was no mistaking the family resemblance, so before introductions Courtney knew she was in the presence of Leotie's twin brother Odakota and, of course, her mother Gaho. Courtney was not sure exactly how to behave, how to be friendly yet not too familiar. Before she had really decided, she found herself all but smothered in Gaho's ample bosom.

"Hola, my poor child, you must be starving and exhausted. We'll get you fed as soon as we've done our introduction. This handsome young man is my son, Odakota, which means friend. He is the sheriff of the local Lakota tribal land."

The young man stepped forward eagerly. "Hola, I am a fan of yours. I have most of your CDs. I spotted your guitar. Will you sing to us while you are here?"

"Hola, I take it that means 'Hello'?"

"Yes, hola is Lakota for a greeting like hello but many other tribes use it now."

"Well then hola, Odakota, I'm always glad to meet a fan, especially when he's so handsome. And yes, if you will invite me, I would be happy to sing for you."

"We'll never get him out of here now," laughed Leotie. She relented when she saw Odakota's embarrassment. "I'm teasing you bro, I'm just as big a fan as you."

Gaho put her hands on her hips in the universal mothers pose, "perhaps her fan club would make itself useful and bring in her things. I'm taking her inside to the kitchen."

The kitchen in this case was obviously the center of family life, filled with a tribal-sized table and wonderful smells that tantalized Courtney, who was indeed hungry from her trip. The stove and cooking equipment were old but restaurant sized and well cared for. It was obviously designed for the serious feeding of large groups of people.

"Tell me dear, what can I fix you? It's hardly morning but I was thinking you might like a good hearty breakfast. If not, I can probably fix anything you'd like."

"As always, you know my mind, I would love a big breakfast. Emphasis on big."

"Count me in," said Leotie as she joined them, "and bro here counts double."

"Except I'm counting on the two of you to give me a hand in the kitchen."

Under Gaho's practiced supervision a hearty breakfast of flapjacks, eggs and thick country bacon was quickly prepared and as quickly devoured. Then Gaho shooed Odakota off to his job and joined Leotie and Courtney at the table.

"Are you up to a little talking, Courtney? Or would you prefer to rest before we start."

"Breakfast revived me, and as long as you keep me supplied with this marvelous cake, I'll talk all day. What is it? I'd love the recipe."

"It's traditional Lakota plum cake. Besides the usual butter, flour, and baking soda, it's made from dark raisins, purple plums, toasted hazelnuts, cloves, honey, and maple syrup. I'll teach you how to make it. I think we will need a good supply. Courtney, you are carrying a great deal of pain, I know we have a lot to discuss. And that was before I saw that you were betrayed by your father. That is a knife that cuts very deep. Every girl is supposed to be able to trust her father to protect her."

Courtney turned a questioning look towards Leotie, who had not had a chance to talk to Gaho; Leotie simply shrugged.

"I have no explanation. I have lived with her all my life and have a graduate degree in the working of the human mind, and I have no more idea how she does it than a pebble knows how a mountain is made."

Gaho took Courtney's arm and smiled.

"Science is a wonderful thing, and I suppose the day may come when they can explain every miracle. But I hope these tired old eyes do not live to see a world with no magic, no medicine. I would see it as a world without hope and wonder. Leotie went away to a great school to learn how I could know things and see things that others could not. But all she learned was that those professors of white man's knowledge have no more idea than she." Gaho's eyes sparkled as she obviously found this a great joke.

Fascinated and glad for the change in topic away from herself, Courtney asked, "Did they actually study you and your techniques?"

"Oh yes," replied Leotie, "she spent a week there as a guest of the department and presented several demonstrations; some of which were remarkable, to say the least, and well outside the ability of mainstream psychology to explain."

"And how did your professors deal with that?"

"The best of them were fascinated and learned that there were still areas better known to the ancient ones than to modern science. Some just preferred to not believe their own eyes and ears when confronted with something new and unexplained, and just ignored the whole thing."

Gaho laughed heartily at this. "They called themselves men of science and yet for some their eyes were blind to anything new. How can that be science? They were no better than chattering monkeys with fancy titles. But there were also some that possessed wisdom. Some of what they taught Leotie has value. She can sometimes see inside the mind in ways I cannot, but which can help explain a vision."

"I think sometimes my mother's love for me causes her to exaggerate my contribution, but I do think we make a good team. I act as her apprentice on a vision quest."

"What my sweet daughter is saying in a kind way is that my old bones are reluctant to sleep upon the ground as the spiritual guide must do to watch out over the vision seeker. I rely on her in more ways than she knows. One Way is to see with different eyes. I know that Leotie has asked you many questions as you came here today. Now, if you will be patient, I will send her away and I will ask you my questions. Many may be very similar but you must listen with fresh ears and answer what I ask. Then while you sleep, Leotie and I will see through each other's eyes by sharing. This will make our vision more complete, and we may know better how to help you find your song."

"I will do anything, I feel quite desperate. Nothing has helped so far. Do not be afraid of tiring me. I am used to a tough touring schedule."

"There may be days here when you feel more tired than ever in your life but not today. Today you and I will talk, and this evening you will meet our tribal elders to be considered for becoming a relative. Then you'll get a good night's sleep, because tomorrow you will learn to ride a horse and start to learn the ways of the outdoors. And don't look so worried, child; I will be holding your hand every step. I promised Olathe to be a mother to you and Gaho does not let her children fail or come to harm."

Courtney was actually surprised at just how much comfort she found in the promise of this extraordinary woman. She knew now that it was very important to her to be made a relative because she did want Gaho to be a part of her life and the life of any children she might have someday. She found that Gaho's questions did cover much of the same ground as Leotie's but focused more on her inner being, her feelings, her dreams, her fears. She also found she got a little motherly advice, but only when she asked for it. And when she did ask, she got brutal honesty. Fishing for reassurance that she had done the right thing refusing to cut back her tours just to please Darryl, she put the question to Gaho.

"You won, Courtney; you defended your right to run your own life and control your own tour schedule. You did not sell out your independence for the sake of being married. You have it all: success, glamour, fame, wealth. No one can boss you around... and you're so miserably unhappy you can't even sing. You turn your back on true love at your own peril."

"Do you mock me, Gaho?"

"No, I remind you that the modern world has freed women to pursue careers, wealth, fame and power that were too often held only for men, and that is good. Choice is good. But for those in whom the fire of womanhood and motherhood burns strong, there is no wealth or fame or power or earthly good that can replace the love of a woman for her man or the feeling of a child feeding at her breast. These are experiences so profound that men can only guess at them. They have only sex and think it moves the earth. The passions a woman can feel compared to that is like the prairie fire is to a cook fire. You have let these things go, and everything else in your life has turned to ashes in your mouth. You will not find happiness without them."

Courtney looked as though she had been slapped. Then her face clouded with anger and it looked as though she was forming a retort. Gaho waited impassively but no response came. Finally Courtney's face acknowledged her defeat and she began to weep in despair. Gaho pulled Courtney to her bosom and stroked her hair.

"It's all right my child; I would never have told you so bluntly what you must have for happiness if I weren't going to help you get it. I promise I will help put your life right again, and I do not make promises lightly. I want you to go rest awhile and then we will prepare to meet the elders.

When Courtney awoke, Gaho was already hard at work in the kitchen preparing the meal. Odakota and Leotie sat with Courtney to help her prepare for the council. Just before the guests were scheduled to arrive, Gaho sat down and gave her a few pointers for the meeting.

"First, I don't want you to be nervous," said Gaho, "This will not be an inquisition. You will be among friends. There is no actual requirement to get approval to make you a relative, but it is a good practice. There are surprising numbers of people who want to become honorary Indians for the wrong reasons."

"Really? What, for example?"

"Some just want to buy a little piece of the Old West," said Odakota,"and they are relatively harmless. Some are looking for legal loopholes like opening a casino, but that seldom works. The real problem is what we call the 'Twinkies'."

"What in the world are they?"

"New Agers, the Birkenstock crowd. They've practically overrun places like Sedona. What they want is to rip off our religion so that they can sell "Vision Quest" packages or other religious or pseudo religious ceremonies and tokens to tourists claiming legitimacy because they are real Native Americans. It's a sore point, as if I hung out with your family just so I could start offering Holy Communion, even though I had no idea about the spirituality behind it."

"That's awful."

"Yes it is," said Leotie, "It seems as though we are being robbed of the one thing we had left, our heritage."

"And it is why you cannot do a Vision Quest unless you are first made a relative. But it will be important tonight to convince the elders that you are not becoming a relative only to have a Vision Quest and then never to be heard from again."

"Oh no, Gaho, I already told you that I want you and your family to be a part of my life and the life of my future children and I mean that."

"Then that is what you should tell them. And if you have any ideas on how you might contribute to the good of the tribe and the community, that will count in your favor. But I warn you; I know that you are very wealthy, but offers of charity handouts will not win favor."

"I understand that. This afternoon while I was supposed to be napping Leotie helped me reach Olathe, and I have an idea I'll keep as a surprise, but I think they may like it."

Gaho turned a questioning look towards Leotie who just smiled enigmatically but Gaho decided trust was part of becoming family and decided to wait and be surprised.

They were joined for dinner by two gentlemen, one Courtney guessed to be seventy years or older although his rugged fitness belied that figure. Gaho introduced him as Stephen Lone Eagle, Chairman of the Tribal Council.

"Hola, Courtney, it is a pleasure to meet you. I apologize for 'Chairman', everyone is disappointed to find we don't have Chiefs anymore, and we are elected to office. I hope you aren't disappointed. And I might as well tell you up front that my granddaughter has already informed me that if I don't approve you, I might as well not come home."

"I am not disappointed in the least, and I insist I be judged like anyone else. If you have to rule against me, I will go see your granddaughter myself and make it right. In fact, I would love to meet her anyway."

"And this other gentleman is Al Grey Wolf, also a long time member of our council."

"Hola, Courtney and welcome. No one on this council would ever dare vote against Gaho, but I came to meet you, and for the meal. She is the best cook in South Dakota."

With that everyone sat down for a generous and delicious meal featuring buffalo steaks cooked in Gaho's unique variant of chicken fried which made them fork tender. Lots of fresh vegetables rounded out the meal. Baskets of traditional Lakota fry bread made sure that any extra tummy room was taken up. Then Odakota and Leotie excused themselves, Gaho served coffee and Lakota plum cake, and the serious discussion began.

Stephen Lone Eagle, as chairman spoke. "Courtney, it is tradition that I will ask the questions, and at the end Al Grey Wolf will be allowed to ask any additional questions he may wish. After that, Gaho, as your advocate, may respond if she felt any questions were unfair or prejudiced against you. That makes this all sound a lot more solemn and scary than it is going to be. The Lakota people are hospitable, and we love to welcome new relatives to join us. Our only purpose is to screen for those that might be using us for their own interests, and not in the interest of our people. In truth there is little chance you would be able to fool Gaho, so this will really be a chance for us to get acquainted. Are you comfortable?"