Part 3: Love Denied

"And ruined love, when it is built anew,

Grows fairer than at first, more strong, far greater."

- Shakespeare Sonnet 138,1

Visiting the ranch with Annie that weekend was sad. I had a manager and a couple of hands run the place for me. Sherry, the manager's wife, cleaned the house whenever I told her I was coming out. She would also take care of my little girl when I needed her.

I don't know why I was missing Sara Jane so much at this particular time — well, I really did but I didn't want to face up to it. When I walked into that restaurant at the Bar None a few days ago it was with great news and I wanted to share it with my friends Sean and Mary. And with Kathy also.

I was being given the Coeur D'Alene district of the Idaho Fish and Game. This was a much larger district than what I had before and I wouldn't have time for training anymore. The change came with a promotion and more money. I would be moving back to Coeur D'Alene where I first met Sara Jane.

I guess I hadn't thought things out. I had felt such a great connection with Kathy Belle when I told her my story, the story of Sara Jane and our child, Annie. I know we hadn't really talked but I was sure there was something there to build on. She was the first woman I'd met that started me thinking I might find love again.

Then I walked into that restaurant, big smile and all and saw... a guy kissing Kathy with more than a little enthusiasm. I was confused, then flustered, then — empty! It was such a desolate feeling I didn't really know how to deal with it so I just left. Left, hell! I ran out tail nicely tucked between my legs. I didn't even know she was dating anyone. And now, well, it looked like I wasn't going to get that chance to get to know her like I wanted to.

Sunday morning I took Annie up the hill, holding her small hand in mine. The sun was already warm that sunny May morning and the Weeping Willow was glorious with its shiny new leaves and the bright gold of the stems spreading their treasure.

We stopped by Sara Jane's grave and sat quietly. The shade from the big tree was cool and the air still. Annie was holding some flowers I'd given her and she put them at the foot of the marker. She looked at the stone and then at me. She was four now and knew that her mother was buried there but she didn't really remember her anymore.

She took my hand and asked in a calm, serious voice, "Daddy, will I ever have a mommy again? I really want one."

I swept her into my arms, holding her tightly. She pulled away and looked up at me, the question still in her eyes.

"Honey, you understand that we can't get you a new mommy unless it's someone we love. You see that, Annie?"

That got me a slow nod.

"The other part, Annie, is that person has to love us too, okay?"

"But daddy, I love you!" With the logic of a four year old, she continued, "Daddy, if I love you then our new mommy will!"

I smiled at that, wishing it were so easy, and gave her a big hug.

A couple of weeks later we moved permanently back onto the ranch. It was a longish drive into town: about forty minutes in the summer and ten minutes or so longer in the winter. The district station in Coeur D'Alene was on Kathleen Avenue — not quite Kathy but close enough to make me smile every time I saw the street sign. I already knew everyone so I was able to settle in quickly. I found a pre-school for Annie and I would leave her with Sherry at the ranch when I was in the field.

Several months later one of my agents reported that there were complaints from the Nez Percé reservation south of town about some guys poaching on one of the streams. I called Henry and asked him to get all the info he could. A week later he called me — my agent was fairly inexperienced. Bob, my agent, and I drove down to the reservation to meet with Henry.

We set up the arrest for the next weekend. I called a couple of guys in for backup and we met for lunch to plan everything out. Friday night, Bob and I drove down to the reservation and had dinner with Henry and Aunt Sophie. Bob seemed to struggle with it since it really wasn't fast food.

The two guys that were providing backup met us for breakfast and we worked out a plan. I wanted Bob to make the arrest so I held back by the entrance to the campground. The other two guys were supporting Bob.

I heard some yelling and a couple of shots followed by a racing car engine. A Jeep Cherokee, bright red, tore out of the campground area racing for the exit. I had my gun out and when I saw the jeep I fired a shot in the air. The jeep swerved and raced right at me. I pointed my pistol at them but when push came to shove it was shoot the driver or jump. I jumped! Unfortunately, I was a trifle too late and the Cherokee clipped my leg. I was stunned but later - when I woke up and they were putting me in the ambulance — I found out that my femur was broken in two places!

It turned out they ran because they had drugs and unregistered handguns in their car. I did get the license number, Montana plates, and we wound up with some good arrests. I wonder why that didn't make my leg feel better? I was wearing that cast for three months before I got a walking cast and started therapy. I couldn't go into the field but was able to do office work. I had to have someone drive me around until I got the walking cast.

I was intensely busy with paperwork for a few months and then things settled down somewhat. It was now October but the weather was holding pretty well. I was working on a report when my secretary stepped in.

"There's someone to see you, Tom. He says he is an old friend."

It turned out to be Sean.

"Howdy, stranger! Welcome back to Coeur D'Alene."

"What's with the cane?" (He knew what had happened but he liked to give me a hard time.) He gave me a big hug and we wound up going to lunch. We caught each other up on events and finally I got a chance to ask about Kathy.

"She's doing really good, smarter than a whip! She's got our office all straightened out. She will finish her studies in Sandpoint next semester and then she wants to come down here to go to school. Say, are you interested in her?"

I changed the topic and we never got back to my interest in Kathy. Before he left, he invited me to come out to the ranch for Thanksgiving. It was the one day they were closed and made it a big meal with all the ranch hands and their families. A few close friends were also invited so it was nice of him to ask me. I agreed and told him I'd bring Annie with me.

I hoped Kathy was happy with her guy. I kept thinking he'd better treat her right, or... well, something. I was trying not to think about her and was fairly successful during the day. At night I was lonely. Many nights were too hard, too long, and too sad. I spent a lot of time with Annie. She was growing so fast and was becoming more and more a companion to me.

I wasn't sure whether to look forward to Thanksgiving or not. I thought about not going but in the end I went. The cast was off but I had a bad limp. We got out of the car and started walking towards the lodge. Annie kept tugging on my hand but I couldn't keep up with her. Finally Marcie saw us and took Annie away so I could talk with Sean and Mary.

DREAMS OF LOVE

"Ask your heart what it doth know."

- Shakespeare, Measure for Measure II, ii,137

"Kathy! Look what I have!"

I looked up from changing the diaper for Billy and saw Marcie with a young girl. She was really pretty and somehow looked familiar.

Marcie looked at me like I wasn't very smart and said, "This is Tom Lane's girl, Sara Anne, but everyone calls her Annie. Let me finish with Billy and you can talk to her."

I took Annie's hand and we went out on the front porch. It was a little cool but Annie had a warm coat and I had a sweater. The sun felt a little warm on the porch out of the slight breeze.

"Annie, where is your Daddy?"

She looked at me as if she were trying to decide whether it was okay to share the answer with me and finally pointed down to the restaurant.

She opened up after a few minutes and we talked about the sorts of things you talked with little girls about. I stood up to get Billy and Marcie so we could walk down the hill. I really wanted to see Tom.

As we walked down the hill with Annie's small hand in mine, Tom stepped off the porch, I guess looking for his daughter. He was walking with a cane and had a noticeable limp. My heart in my throat, I suddenly stopped as Tom looked up at us.

Annie looked at me to see why I had stopped, looked at her dad and back at me, like she was trying to figure something out.

"Are you my new mommy?"

Tears in my eyes I squatted down and gave her a hug. "Annie, would you like to be my little girl?"

Stubbornly, she continued, "Do you love me? Daddy said my new mommy had to love me."

Wiping my eyes I said, "Everyone would love a pretty girl like you?"

"Do you love me?"

"Yes, Annie, I do."

"Do you love daddy?"

Giving her an honest answer, I replied, "I'm not sure. I would like to find out though."

As I said that, Tom had reached us so I stood up.

"What was that all about?"

Assuming he was taking about my talk with Annie, I just smiled and said primly, "Just girl talk! And what happened to your leg?"

"Let's go sit inside the restaurant. It's a little cold out here and it makes my leg ache. I'll tell you everything over a cup of coffee."

He picked Annie up and gave her a big hug. She whispered something in his ear and he looked at me and smiled. This was followed by a flash of what looked like pain — maybe his leg... maybe not.

Tom put Annie down and we walked slowly down to the restaurant and went inside. He looked around a little like he was looking for someone.

Looking back at me he said, somewhat hesitantly, "Is your friend here today?"

His voice cracked a little on the 'friend' part.

"Marcie, would you play with Annie for a few minutes? Tom, please go sit at that table by the window. I'll get us some coffee."

Marcie took Annie and Billy back to the kitchen where all the action was going on. We kept a stroller on the porch off the kitchen so I knew she and the kids would be okay.

I got a pot of coffee and two mugs. The fixings were already on the table. I sat down across from Tom. I looked at him for a longish minute. He met my eyes briefly and turned to look out the window nervously.

"Tom, please look at me. The guy you saw me with was one of my professors. I went on a few dates with him and there might have been something there. What you saw that night last year wasn't something I wanted at that time and wasn't expecting. Whatever there might have been was finished when I found out he didn't like kids and he found out that I had one.

"I know you were hurt that night and I felt really bad about it. We never talked about our feelings and maybe we should have. I made a bad mistake that has taken a long time to get over and I don't want to make another one. I definitely like you and I know you like me. Is it love? Do we have a future together? I don't know but I'd like to find out."

Here Tom started smiling and took my hand.

I continued, "Let's just take it slow and see what happens. You know I have Billy, and you have an adorable daughter. Can we be friends?"

Seeing his face wince at the word 'friends', I continued with a laugh, "I mean good friends and we can use that as a starting point. I have heard a lot about your ranch and would like to see it."

He smiled again, and said with a chuckle, "Kathy, would you like to come visit my ranch?"

We talked for a while, getting to know each other better. He told me about his leg, some about the ranch and about his new job. I told him I would be starting school in Coeur D'Alene at Lewis-Clark State College in, hopefully, the spring semester, or the summer for sure.

In the middle of our talk Annie came back, sat by me and held my hand. She kept snuggling up and kind of leaning on me. She looked drowsy, so I put my arm around her and she fell asleep. Tom didn't look at all unhappy that Annie had seemed to adopt me.

Everyone gathered in the dining room for the big Thanksgiving dinner. As usual Sean and Mary had gone a little crazy and we had way too much to eat. All told with everyone that worked there, families, and friends there were around fifty people. I sat with Tom and Annie, Marcie, Curley with his wife and two kids, and Aunt Mary. Billy had fallen asleep in the stroller and I didn't have the heart to wake him up.

It was a great meal and the food was fantastic. There was a dessert table and people would wander around to say hi to everyone when they got up to satisfy their sweet tooth. I tried to be satisfied with a cherry pie from cherries grown and canned on the ranch. People sat around over coffee and talked.

Billy woke up and Tom held him for a while — I didn't ask, he just picked him up. He started fussing and Marcie took him to be changed and fixed him a bottle.

It was a wonderful day and everyone seemed so relaxed and happy. Tom wanted to walk me up to the cabin but I didn't want him to make the walk up the hill with his cane. We did agree that he would pick me up the next day since he didn't have work for the holiday. When he left he looked a little confused, like he didn't know whether to shake my hand or kiss me, so I reached up and gave him a big kiss on the cheek. He looked a little embarrassed since Aunt Mary was standing there and he grabbed Annie and left in his work truck.

I picked up Billy and walked up to the cabin, feeling warm in spite of a chilly wind. I lay awake for a long time thinking about how I had changed since I finished high school. I had been so shy but now I had no problem about speaking out to Tom. I smiled when I thought what I told him about how much I liked him. Maybe it was a little white lie because I liked him a lot more than I had said. I fell asleep remembering something Betty had said once, "A girl has to have some secrets!"

I had pleasant dreams but couldn't remember what they were when I woke up. It was that I had this sense of peace and for the first time in my life was really liking myself and who I was. The only cloud on the horizon was my knowing that I had to tell Tom about Cancun. I knew he would never ask but if there was any future for us I wanted to start with honesty.

The next morning Tom came a little after nine. I walked out by myself and Tom asked, "Where is Billy?"

"I asked Marcie to watch him for today. Is that okay?"

With a smile, he answered, "No, actually it isn't! Annie was looking forward to see him. She loves babies. Now please go back and get your son."

"Okay, but I warn you, it will take twenty minutes to get him ready."

"No problem. I will have a cup of coffee inside with Sean while I wait."

I got Billy ready in a lot less than twenty minutes. Tom drove us to his ranch and told me about it on the way.

"The ranch has been in the Lane family since right after the civil war. We have 1600 acres, some in the valley floor but most of it up two creeks on either side of a hill. It's been a working ranch all the time. I currently run about 100 head of cattle and have a dozen horses. We also do about two hundred acres of hay every year. We have a small fruit orchard and a decent garden.

"The income from the ranch pays taxes, wages and upkeep. I don't make any money but it lets me hold on to it and keep it in good shape.

"I have a manager, Tim, and two hands. Tim's wife, Sherry, helps around the house and takes care of Annie when I have to travel. It works out pretty well. There are two cabins beside the main house. Tim & Sherry live in the larger and Jerry, the older hand lives in the other. Phil is married and lives a couple miles short of the interstate with their two kids."

We turned off the highway onto a gravel road that had a couple of turnoffs and ended at a gate. Tom told me this was the start of his property as he got out to open the gate. He pulled up and got out to close the gate again. We drove a couple of miles and went over a small hill and a large two story stone house stood in front of us surrounded by a grove of trees.

Tom nodded at the house, "It's really way too big but the upstairs is mostly closed off. It would take a house full of kids to make it worth while to open it all up again."

He laughed at that, but it made me think... a lot!

As we drove in the yard a couple of dogs were jumping up and down and a flock of chickens were scattering in front of us. The hands had the day off but two guys came out the door.

We walked to the porch with Tom carrying Billy and Annie holding my hand. Tom told me that he still had Annie's stroller and crib from when she was younger.

Tom did the introductions with Tim and Jerry and took me into the kitchen to meet Sherry. She was a large ruddy woman and from the wonderful smells was clearly at home in a kitchen. The yeasty aroma of baking bread was competing with that of apple pie. A large roast was on the counter awaiting the carving knife. She gave me a big hug and fussed over Billy.

Dinner was as good as it looked and it was nice to sit at the large kitchen table with everyone. There was lots of laughter, way too much hearty country food and a sense of being a family. Billy was asleep and Annie was fading fast.

The guys sat around and talked about the ranch and I helped Sherry clean up. We talked - as women in the kitchen were wont to do — and got to know each other. She told me how hard it was on Tom when Sara Jane died.

"That man just kept walking up that hill to the big sad willow tree and come back looking so sad himself... "

Sherry went quiet for a moment and said a little more brightly, "That Billy is sure going to be a handsome boy! His father must have been some kind of a good looking man!"

At that I broke into tears, leaning on the counter, my shoulders shaking and the salty drops splashing on the counter.

She put her arm around me and whispered, "I'm sorry, child. I didn't know. Go ahead and cry and get it out of your system."