Chapter 33

By the time we drove back home, all the good feelings had been stripped away. I could see and feel the tension on Mama's face as we neared the house. I reached over to her, and placed my hand on her arm, trying to send her a signal of my love and support for her.

"Kenny, I'm not sure I can do what we talked about. When it was just the two of us, everything seemed possible to do, but, now, I don't think I can face telling Thomas that I forgive him. I still have angry feelings about what he did, and especially about how and where he did it."

"Don't tell him that you've forgiven him if you really haven't. Tell him you're trying to forgive him instead."

"Bunny will be here tonight. I'll have to talk to him too. I don't want to disturb the relationship he and I have. Bunny was the only one I could turn to for so long. We've always been so close. I'm worried that you think it was sex, when it wasn't. It was, and is a deep love and affection. Anything else is just a way we comfort each other. Calling it sex trivializes it, and makes it appear tawdry. It was never tawdry, never."

She was looking at me, and I saw that she really wanted and needed me to see that it hadn't been sex. I didn't doubt it was love, and I knew how much they meant to each other. What I'd thought was that the tie they had was preventing either of them from living guilt free lives. If they took such pains to hide what they were doing, they must have been ashamed to have anyone find out. I knew that Hans and Gerta knew about it though. One of the skills I'd developed in the orphanage was keen observation. I'd seen the looks that Gerta and Hans had exchanged whenever Uncle Bunny visited, and Mr. Parsons wasn't home.

"I understand comfort. I think it was lucky that you always had someone you could turn to. Uncle Bunny loves you more than he ever loved anyone else. Maybe he's ready to let Mr. Parsons comfort you now though. If you talked to him, I bet you could figure out some other way to be close. You and I are close, but we don't have sex."

"It wasn't sex. You keep saying that, but it wasn't. Sex is what Bunny had with Bea, what you and she had as well. Bea had sex with all three of you. Sex is what I have with Thomas. It isn't the same thing at all. They are two entirely different kinds of satisfactions."

"I believe that. I know how different it was with Bea. Even holding hands with Brenda was better than having sex with Bea. It was important with Brenda. With Bea, it was only fun."

"No, I love Thomas, Kenny, you must never doubt that. I've always enjoyed his embraces, from a strictly emotional level. It was never a shared emotional experience however. With Bunny, it was always shared, no matter what else it was. There were things I never allowed Bunny, not after I spoke my marriage vows. We didn't do what Thomas did with Bea. That is an important distinction too."

"Important, but having nothing to do with solving your marriage problem now. When we've talked, you always said that the main problem was that Mr. Parsons didn't love you. I'm sure you're wrong about that. Mostly, you're wrong because you and he don't define love the same way. He doesn't think he loves you, but he really does. I've seen it when he talks about wanting to stay married to you. I couldn't figure out why he didn't see it that day he came out to the Academy, trying to get me to see if I could help you with your depression. He was so worried, and he felt so bad. I knew he loved you when he offered to pay me a million dollars if I could think of a way to keep you from divorcing him."

"He offered you a million dollars? Was he serious?"

"He was serious, but he didn't think it was for love. He said he enjoys being married to you. He said you had a good marriage together, much better than what most of his friends and colleagues had."

"He's said that to me too, but that is only his conceit. It is always so much easier for the one who is already loved."

"I don't think so. You had all the money, control of his job, the good family he never had. How do you think he felt knowing how much more you had than he had? You already had everything he was going to have to try to earn. How was he going to impress you and earn your respect? On top of that, you also wanted him to give you his heart, and his love?"

"It wasn't like that. We welcomed him into our family, into all our lives. We denied him nothing that he asked for."

"But, he had to ask. He told me his mother was an alcoholic, a bad one. That's where he learned to pretend not to notice the embarrassing things she did when she was drunk. That's what he's done with you, all through your marriage, when you were in the worst of your depressions, he left, and pretended he didn't know that you got that way. He didn't want you humiliated by knowing he saw that. Why would you think he was so smart and special in all those other ways, but he wouldn't find out about your depression and the withdrawals?"

"He never saw me like that!"

"Yes he did. We've all seen you like that. It isn't anything for you to be ashamed of. We all love you, and it didn't matter to us. What mattered was helping you get back to being your normal self again. If he didn't love you, he wouldn't have pretended all these years, even when the two of you were fighting the worst."

"None of this is proof. It's all your conjecture."

"I believe he left so that you and Uncle Bunny could comfort each other, He knew you needed that kind of love, and he knew you didn't get that from him."

"No! You've said enough. Stop talking about this."

"He told me he listened to Uncle Bunny all these years, because he was the one who could always bring you back when you got badly withdrawn. He told me that. He never questioned Uncle Bunny about what he had to do to bring you back. He just wanted you to come back. He loves you. Even if he never admits it, or says it to you, he does. If he loves you, and still lets Uncle Bunny do whatever he thinks is necessary, he must care more for you than he does about his own pride. He even leaves the house, so that the two of you have privacy."

"Are you arguing his case so strongly to get his million dollars? I'll give you the million dollars, if you want it so badly. I'll have Bunny take care of it on Monday."

"Mama, you know that isn't the reason. I don't need a million dollars either. Did you stay with him so long, even when he said he didn't love you, just so he could make you more money with your father's company? Why is it so hard for you to accept that he loves you? I could prove it to you, but only by letting you go into one of your worst withdrawals again. He could bring you back even if Uncle Bunny and I couldn't. Not because you love him either, but because he does love you. He's always been afraid to try to do it. If nothing else worked, he'd have to try."

"I will not be used by you in some experiment to prove or disprove your hypothesis, Kenny. You are young, and so full of innocence, that you can afford to believe in all of your wishes. I'm comfortable to Thomas, a good fit for all of his social appearances and business entertaining. I don't complain about the sex we have together. I was certain that he would welcome the divorce, when he came into his own money from the sale and merger. I underestimated the value he places on his social comfort. He wishes to keep things the same, because he's grown comfortable with the lifestyle we've enjoyed. He never liked to admit failure or defeat."

"This started out as you not being certain if you could forgive Mr. Parsons. I told you all you have to do is tell him you'll try. I tried to show you why I think he loves you, to make forgiving him easier for you to do. If you love him, and you'll try to forgive him, it would be enough. Do that, and I'll try to find some way to make him realize that he loves you. You know, even you said there was no hurry about getting a divorce."

We went into the house without speaking more about it. She didn't say that she'd do any part of what I'd asked her to do, but she didn't say she wouldn't either.

When we came in, Mama went into the library right away, and then I saw Hans go in to get her a drink. I looked in on her, but she was sitting on the settee, drinking her highball and staring off at nothing. I went to the study door and knocked.

"Come."

"Hi, we just got back. Hans said we're eating at seven thirty tonight. Uncle Bunny will be here right around then."

"Thank you, Kenny. I hadn't realized it had gotten to be so late already. Is Bertie upstairs or downstairs?"

"She's in the library having a drink." He stood up, and started putting papers into different piles.

"Shall we join her?" I smiled, and we left to go to the library. By the time we got there, Hans had been summoned to make her another drink. Mr. Parsons ordered a whiskey and soda, and went to sit next to Mama. When he did that, she looked at me. It looked like she was nervous. I hoped she didn't think I had told him what the two of us had been talking about. I guess I was in the habit of telling all of them about the things the others had said to me. I didn't always tell everything, but there were some things that I felt they needed to know about what the other person felt or wanted.

"Mama told me about both of you wanting to adopt me. I think it's a great idea. Would my name be changed to Parsons too?"

"That isn't necessary Kenny, but I'd certainly be in favor of it, if that's what you wanted too." Mr. Parsons looked at Mama, obviously expecting her to agree also. She took another drink out of her highball glass. "Bertie, what do you think?"

"I hadn't given that any thought. We should consult with Bunny first, find out how much difficulty it would be to change all of his records to reflect his new name. Kenny, are you certain you would be able to make an adjustment to changing your name?"

"I don't even know where they got the last name they gave me. They might have just made it up. I asked one of the sisters once, but she wouldn't tell me. They didn't like questions like that at St. Cecelia's. I could keep my first name the same though, right? I'd like to stay Kenny." I thought Mama was disappointed with my response. "It doesn't matter that much if it's too much of a bother to do."

"Kenny, it's your decision. Whichever name you'd prefer. Bertie, were you perhaps hoping he'd choose to be a Chalmers?"

"I hadn't given the matter any thought. The important thing is that Kenny has agreed to the adoption. We'll inform Bunny when he arrives. He said he can get the paperwork started right away. This calls for another drink, let's make it a celebration." Mama wasn't very convincing when she said she felt like celebrating. Hans had left to go back to the kitchen, so Mr. Parsons got up and did the honors for them both. He looked at me, questioningly, obviously wondering whether something had happened to disturb Mama in the time she was gone to pick me up from school. Mr. Parsons was bringing the fresh drinks back, when Mama let him have it with her opening salvo. "Did you think you could use Kenny to manipulate me into maintaining our marriage, Thomas?"

"Bertie, I never did that!"

"What would you call it then? Did you think I wouldn't find out about your attempted bribe? I wondered why you were so quick to offer to participate in the adoption. Offering a million dollars though. I guess I should be flattered that I'm worth so much to you."

"That money was offered as incentive for him coming up with an idea that allowed us to stay married. It wasn't a bribe to turn him against you. Don't twist it to make it seem sinister, Bertie. It wasn't a way to deceive you, or to trick you into staying my wife. As for the adoption, you heard what Bunny told us. Things will go smoother if we apply as a couple. I wanted to show my support for the adoption, my belief that you would make a fine parent for Kenny."

"I don't want you trying to buy Kenny. I didn't like it when Daddy tried to buy you for me either."

"Is that how you viewed it? Amazing! I can see that you're in one of your moods tonight, Bertie. The kind where you'll find fault with anything I say or do. If you'll excuse me, I'd prefer to spend time alone at the apartment, where I can, at least, catch up on the work I've fallen behind on. Please make my apologies to Bunny. Kenny, sorry that you're caught up in the middle of this. I had hoped that we could all celebrate." He turned away from the settee and walked out of the library and continued on up the stairs to his room.

"That wasn't what I wanted to happen, Kenny."

"No, I don't imagine it was. That was quick though. Did you do that to make sure he never trusted me again?"

"No, of course not. How could you even think that?"

"I don't know. How could I? Maybe because you attacked him by using the million dollars like it was a bribe, when you already knew it wasn't. He doesn't know that I explained that it wasn't, but you know that. I grew up seeing that same kind of method used, when the sisters would twist the truth into plausible lies in order to make someone do what they wanted. What did you want him to do? I'm asking, because it never got far enough for me to find out what you wanted. Unless, you wanted him to leave like this."

"I was angry, perhaps I could have approached it in a less confrontational manner."

"I've never seen the apartment either. I think I'll go with Mr. Parsons, if he'll let me. I'll try to explain to him that I didn't tell it the way you used it to attack him with. This way, you and Uncle Bunny can be alone, to talk and comfort each other."

"Are we to enter into a punishment cycle for all of our actions then, Kenny. Is this how you want us to relate to each other?"

"Mama, I love you. That's unconditional. I'm not going to pretend to approve of things you do, just because I love you. For whatever reason, you did that on purpose, knowing it would injure the relationship I've built up with Mr. Parsons. I can't figure out why you wanted to do that, but I'm sure it was deliberate. I'm going to try to undo that damage, if I can. I'm not trying to punish you, I'm trying to preserve the relationship I'm building with the man who is supposed to be my new father."

"Bunny would make a better father."

"I asked you about that, but you said it was impossible."

"He could be your Uncle and I could be your mother. He'd be like a father in many ways."

"You never planned on having Mr. Parsons be my father?"

"No."

"I'll explain that to him. Maybe he'll still be willing to sign the papers after I do that."

"Kenny, I see this as a question of loyalty. You need to show who has first claim on your loyalty. I want you to stay here with Bunny and me tonight."

I walked out of the library and walked up the stairs to Mr. Parsons and my mother's bedroom suite, and knocked on the door, before opening it. Mr. Parsons was ready to leave, with a bag already packed. I guess he hadn't had a chance to unpack yet.

"I want to go to the apartment with you tonight." He looked at me, wondering why I'd want to do that. "Either that, or you can give me a ride back to the school tonight. I'm not staying here if you're leaving."

"Kenny, this isn't anything that's serious. It will all blow over in a day or two. I've been dealing with these moods of hers for twenty five years. It's always better to leave her alone, to let her get calmed back down. If you leave too, it will only escalate into something larger, something that might become a real danger to Bertie. We wouldn't want that, would we?"

"I'm not staying. I'll ask Hans to drive me back to school, if you don't want to take me with you."

"You are too much like Bertie, Kenny. I'm not even that upset by any of this. I'm simply bowing to the reality that I'm not good company for her tonight. If I treated these little upsets as seriously as you're doing, our marriage would have never left the starting gate. Bertie needs to be herded, not roped. Eventually, she'll go in the direction you want to go in, but not if you insist on when or how."

"She doesn't want you to be my father."