Chapter 30

Sunday, Mrs. Parsons was feeling good, and we went out and played eighteen holes of golf together. We teed off at ten thirty, and finished up at three o'clock. We were behind two other foursomes, and it was the foursome in front that was slowing everyone down. While we waited, I tried to keep Mrs. Parsons focused on her learning center idea, rather than on the slow pace we were able to play golf.

After golf, I walked over to the pool area while Mrs. Parsons was in the pro shop talking with Dave. I saw Brenda with another girl, probably Emily, I guessed, and a young boy, no more than eleven. They were sitting together on three lounge chairs and talking. I approached them and waited for Brenda to notice me standing there. The girl was pretty, but thin and delicate looking. Her skin was pale, and her dark brown hair was curly like Brenda's, but longer. Her brother had the same hair as she did. On her, it was cute, but it didn't fit him nearly as well. He wasn't as thin, but he looked like someone who didn't play outdoors very much. It was the other girl who noticed me first. She turned to Brenda.

"Is that him?" Brenda turned and saw me for the first time. She smiled at me, then got up and came over to give me a kiss. She took my hand and led me over to the girl.

"Em, this is Kenny. He was supposed to be the one that was going to be buying our lunches today. Why are you so late, Kenny?"

"We got caught behind some real slow players. Nice to meet you Emily." As soon as I said that, Brenda started dragging me over to meet Gary Carstairs, Emily's brother. He stood up, and we shook hands after being introduced. He was pretty tall for eleven years old, easily five six or five seven. I found out that both Emily and her brother had gotten Amoebic Dysentery over in some small town in Portugal, from drinking the water there. Emily and Gary's parents were planning on staying in Europe for a whole year, but they came back after their children got sick. Emily's father was a writer, and he had been doing research for a book he was writing about the Holy Crusades.

We talked together for about fifteen minutes, until I saw Mrs. Parsons coming out of the pro shop. I excused myself and walked over to tell her that Brenda was in the pool area, and that I wanted to stay for awhile and spend some time with her. She told me that she was ready to leave then, and for me to call and let Hans know when I was ready to be picked up. I walked back over to the pool area, wishing that I'd brought my bathing suit with me. I sat with them, talking about school, answering questions that Emily asked about how many boys there were. She seemed most interested in the boys of 'Spicamore Hall'. From comments that Gary made, it seemed that Emily was attracted to European boys. I told her what I knew, but a lot of the students were from the Middle East, South America, and Japan. Most were either juniors or seniors, who were trying to improve their English enough to go to an American University. Most of the Japanese boys had already finished high school, but hadn't scored well enough on their exams to be admitted to a Japanese University.

After another half hour had passed, Hans showed up and gave me a bag containing my swim suit. He told me that Mrs. Parsons had asked him to bring it down for me. I thanked him, and then left for the men's locker room to get changed. When I got back, Brenda and Emily were already in the pool together. Gary was sitting in his lounger, reading a book. I went into the pool too, staying in the shallow end. Brenda left Emily and swam over to me.

"I'm still mad at you, Kenny, for yesterday. You spoiled my plans for us." She came closer to me, putting her arms around my neck, and sliding her body against me. Since I was in water up to my waist only, anyone could see the way she was pressed up against me. I didn't want to get in more trouble, so I walked out until it was deeper. I was only comfortable in water chest high, since I still couldn't swim. Brenda leaned in even closer, and started kissing me.

"Brenda, I'd rather wait until we were some place less public. Do you want to go for a walk somewhere?"

"No, I like it right here. I'm just showing Emily that you really are my boyfriend."

"Why would she care?"

"I don't think she cares, it's more like she doesn't believe me when I tell her how close we are."

"How close did you tell her we were?" I saw her frown when I asked her that.

"Don't get mad, Kenny, but I told her everything. I know you told me not to, but she told me some of the stuff she did this summer, before she got sick, and I didn't want her thinking that she was more grown up than I was. She isn't going to tell anyone, because she doesn't want me telling on her too."

"What do you mean when you say everything?"

"You know. Everything we've done. She's done that too, although hers lasted a lot longer than ours did. Paolo, that was her boyfriend's name, didn't do what you do with your tongue though. I told her about that because she was telling me about this time Paolo snuck into her room at the villa her parents were renting in Italy. That was another reason why I wanted us to do things on your bed."

"You just aren't going to be satisfied until you ruin your reputation, and wind up getting the both of us in all kinds of trouble, are you?"

"I already told you, she did as much as we did. She can't tell on us, not without getting into trouble too."

"Not unless she tells someone else, someone who doesn't have anything to get in trouble about. I know you understand this, because that was the first thing you said to me in the limo, when you came to pick me up Friday. You didn't want me talking about you not wearing panties when I talked to my friends at school. This is dangerous Brenda, and it's stupid too. How many times do we have to get into trouble before you learn to keep your mouth shut about what we've done?" I took her arms away from around my neck and started wading over to the side of the pool. When I got to the edge, I lifted myself up out of the water. Brenda was still where I had left her. I stood up then, and when I turned back to where I'd left my towel, Brenda's brother was sitting on it, talking to Emily. I came over and asked him to get off my towel.

"Can't you see I'm talking, moron? You can wait a few minutes until I'm done talking, then I'll get up."

I didn't like Richard. I hadn't liked him from the first time I met him. I didn't like the way he did things with the phone to stop me from talking to his sister. Besides that, I was in a bad mood from what had just happened with Brenda. I hated the fact that he thought he could just call me a moron without me doing anything about it. Normally, I would have just left the towel there and gone into the member's locker room and gotten another towel. It wasn't really about the towel.

When I lived in the orphanage, there were always lots of fights. I hadn't been in a fight in years though, mostly because I'd been older than almost everyone else for the last three or four years I'd lived there. I didn't ever like to fight, but, you had to stick up for yourself when people tried to take your stuff or bully you. It was one thing to take bullying from the nuns, but I wasn't used to taking it from other boys. If Richard hadn't already used up all of my patience with him, before this time, I wouldn't have done anything. I didn't even bother to give it too much thought. I punched him in the face. Not too hard, just enough to let him know I was angry.

"Get off my towel now you stupid dick."

"Now you've done it, you cocksucker!" Richard got up from the lounger and swung his fist at me. When he missed, he rushed me and wrapped me up in his arms, trying to wrestle me to the ground. I lifted up my knee into his groin area, and he let me out of his grip. "Motherfucker! You kicked me. You're dead meat now, asshole!" I pushed him back, and he got tangled up with his feet and fell backwards over my lounge chair. He was trying to get back up, when some older kids came over and broke things up. I grabbed my towel, and started to walk away, towards the gate.

Brenda had gotten out of the pool, and she was staring at me. Emily and Gary were standing also. I waited to see if anyone was going to stop me, or say anything to me, but no one did. Even Richard had stopped saying anything to me. He stood there, his face red and angry, with his hands knotted tightly into fists. I got to the pool gate and left. I changed back into my regular clothes and went upstairs to call Hans. I knew he might not be home yet, because he said he had some errands to run when he dropped off my swim suit. Gerta answered, and told me that Hans hadn't gotten back yet, but she'd send him to get me as soon as he returned. I decided to go out to the parking lot, and then walk down the driveway to the street to wait for him.

When I came down from making my phone call, Brenda and Emily were both waiting for me at the bottom of the stairs.

"Are you just going to leave, Kenny? You can't just speak to me the way you did and walk away before I get a chance to explain."

"Explain what? You already explained, and I've already told you what I think of what you did. You've got parents, Brenda. They aren't going to send you back to live in an orphanage if you get into trouble. You do whatever you feel like doing, and it doesn't matter to you about who else gets into trouble. I can't afford to live that way, or to have people around me who don't care about what might happen to me."

"I do care. Emily isn't going to say anything. Tell him Emily."

"I'm not going to say anything, Kenny." Emily looked upset too. I wondered if Brenda had mentioned to her that she'd shared Emily's secrets as easily with me, as she'd shared ours with Emily. I'd spoken to Hans and Gerta about Brenda, but not about anything that had already happened. If I'd planned on letting Brenda come up to my bedroom the night before, I probably wouldn't have spoken to them about it.

"It was nice meeting you Emily. I'm sorry it had to end up like this. It isn't your fault." I looked at Brenda, she was already crying. "Brenda, I'm through talking to you for right now. I can't afford to have you as a girlfriend anymore. It seems like all you care about is whatever has your interest at the moment. I don't want to keep having to deal with the consequences of your actions, or the things you say to people. You better tell your brother to stop calling me names too, because I'm sick of him doing it. Don't call me anymore, and I'll stay away from calling you too." I turned away from both of them, and started walking up to the parking lot area. Brenda and Emily followed behind, and I heard Emily trying to calm Brenda down.

"Kenny, you can't do this to me, not for something like this. I promise I won't tell anyone else."

I wanted to tell her that it was more than just her talking to Emily, but I really didn't even have it all sorted out in my own head. Part of it was the times she hung up on me, her father's attitude towards me, the feeling that I was already getting too involved in something that was scaring me. Part of it was knowing that I was already spending too much of my time thinking about Brenda, and wanting to do more sex things with her too. I knew there would be more complications down the road, no matter what else might happen.

"I'm not ready for all of this, Brenda. There's just too much going on that I'm not used to having to deal with. You and I, it's just too much for me to handle right now. You don't seem to understand how nervous I am about trying to fit in with my new home. I'm not like you. I'm not like any of your friends. I haven't grown up expecting everything to be taken care of for me, like you have. When anyone else has the ability to ruin everything for me, I need to know that they won't do it just because they want to impress their girlfriend."

Just as I finished speaking, Elena came riding up the driveway on her motorcycle. Brenda had never seen Elena, and had no idea who she was, so when Elena pulled up alongside of me, asking me if I wanted a ride, Brenda was really surprised when I hopped on the back of her motorcycle. As soon as I was settled, with both arms around her waist, Elena took off and made a u-turn before accelerating away. It took only a few minutes for the ride back to the house. When she pulled up in front, I got off of the motorcycle.

"Which one was your girlfriend, Slick?" Elena had fished out a cigarette and got it going using a Zippo lighter.

"The one with the copper colored hair."

"Really? I would have thought the other one was more your speed. She's all right too, what's her name?"

"Brenda. We just broke up."

"Tough, Slick, but I meant the other girl, what's her name?"

"That's Emily. I don't know much about her though."

"How old are those two?"

"Fourteen."

"Never mind then. I thought the other one might be older, maybe seventeen or eighteen."

"There's this girl named Carol that I know. She's nineteen I think. She's the girl that Bea used to like. She's cute too."

"How did you like riding the bike?"

"It's good. It felt like we were really going fast. When it gets cold though, do you still ride it?"

"Not as much, but, unless there's snow on the ground, or ice, I always ride it some. I like the way it feels when the motor is running. It's better than riding a horse that way." I didn't know what she meant. Horses weren't that fast, and they didn't have people riding horses in the streets around Ridgeline. I guess I looked puzzled, because Elena laughed and left me standing there wondering what she had meant. She drove her motorcycle off to the back, towards the garage, and I went through the front door inside the house.

Now that I had done it, broken up with Brenda, I started having an emotional reaction to doing it. I went up to my room so that I could be alone with what I was feeling. I had felt bad like that, a few other times when I was a lot younger. Mostly when one of my friends got adopted, and left St. Cecelia's. This was one of the reasons I stopped making new friends. Brenda was like that too, only more than just a friend. I had a sick and empty feeling in the pit of my stomach, and it was all I could manage to not rush back down the stairs and beg Elena to give me a ride back to the country club. It was only my brain that prevented me from doing just that. I went into my closet and shut the door. With the lights off, I managed to crawl back to the back of the closet and wrap myself up into a tight ball.

I started to unwind from Brenda in my mind, pulling myself backwards until she was just someone on the very edge of my awareness. This wasn't difficult for me to do, I had done it many nights at the orphanage. It was simply a matter of willing myself to be alone. Inside this place, I could be calm, because I was safe there. I could think about how I should adjust things to accept losing Brenda. I was breaking connection to her, releasing all the emotional strands that tied the two of us together. I should have known better than to allow myself to love someone. It was sometime before I realized that the connections I had to Brenda weren't all dissolving and going away. Always before, withdrawing like this had worked for me. Maybe not completely, but enough that I could get away from any emotional ties that I'd formed. There had been a sense of comfort from being able to do that. Now that it was failing me, I became agitated and distressed. I felt myself slipping back out from the calm area I had created all around me. I redoubled my efforts, but it was no use. In the end, I was just some boy sitting in a dark room and crying from the pain of losing someone he cared about.

I knew why this was happening. If I'd given it any thought at all, I could have predicted that it would happen. It was all these feelings that I'd been indulging in, pretending that I was some normal kid who could afford to go around caring about other people. It was like I had forgotten all the hard lessons I'd learned in St. Cecelia's. It was a mistake I'd made, but I vowed not to repeat it with another girl. I got up and felt my way to the closet door. When I came out into my bedroom again, I went in and took a shower. The spraying water on my head helped me to clear away the last of my weak thoughts about Brenda. I dressed for dinner, coming back downstairs at six forty five. I found Mrs. Parsons sitting in the library, having a drink before dinner. She asked me how my visit with Brenda and her friends had gone. These were almost the first words she had spoken to me when I walked into the library.

"It went good. Brenda is starting school on Tuesday. I don't think I'll see her too much after her school starts."

"You'll see her on weekends, Kenny. You both will be free on weekends to get together."

"I don't think so. She has different friends than I do. We aren't as good of friends as I thought we were."

"You better explain what happened. Perhaps I can help you."

"It wasn't any one thing. I'm not sure what it was, but now, I think I'd rather not be friends with her anymore."

"This is a rather abrupt decision, Kenny. Are you sure it isn't just some small thing that you'll feel differently about later?"

"I'm sure. I already told her about it."

Mrs. Parsons sipped quietly on her drink, looking at me the whole time. At least fifteen minutes passed by before Gerta came in to tell us that dinner was ready to be served. When we got to the dining room, I was surprised to see Elena wearing a regular dress. I smiled at her when she sat down, but she didn't smile back. I saw her watching Mrs. Parsons to see which silverware to use with the salad and with the main course when it was served. I'd had to learn that too when I first came, but I knew it was all pretty easy. Mrs. Parsons told Elena that she could take Monday off since it was a holiday. I thought this was funny, because Elena hadn't even started working yet, not as far as I could see. Maybe picking me up at the country club was work, but I wasn't sure. After dinner, Gerta told me that Brenda had called for me while we were eating. I thanked her and told her that I wouldn't be accepting any calls from Brenda. She looked at me, but she didn't say anything about it.

After dinner, I went up to my room and read for awhile. About nine thirty, Mrs. Parsons knocked on my door, and called my name to let me know who it was.

"Are you sure you're all right, Kenny. Sometimes, it helps to talk with somebody when you're having problems like this."

"I'm not really having any problem, Mrs. Parsons. It's like when Bea left. I was sorry to see her leave, but, it wasn't that much of a problem for me."

"One of the situations that the Mother Superior at the orphanage warned Bunny about, Kenny, was the way you deal with any emotional attachments that you've formed. This is different now. Here, you have support when you are hurting or troubled by anything. You can talk to me when you feel bad about something. You know this, don't you?"