Chapter 23

On Monday, after Mr. Parsons went to work, Mrs. Parsons told me to get ready for my golf lesson. It hadn't been two weeks, but I didn't argue with her. We took the limousine, and Hans drove straight to Brenda's house. When we pulled up outside, Mrs. Connor, Brenda, and Richard all came out together. I got out and opened the door for them. Since Richard was carrying his mother's golf bag, I didn't offer to help. Even Hans stayed in the driver's seat, and just pushed the remote button to open up the trunk. After the clubs were put away, everyone got in the back together. Even with the five of us sitting back there, it wasn't crowded. I noticed that Richard was looking at me like he wanted to beat me up. Mrs. Connor spoke first.

"Bertie, Walt and I are so pleased that you got Richard's suspension lifted. Isn't that right, Richard?"

"Yes. Thank you for helping us with that Mrs. Parsons." Richard didn't sound very sincere. It sounded rehearsed and grudging when he spoke the words. He didn't even bother looking up when he talked to her. I had never liked Richard, but, watching him sitting there, I liked him less. It didn't surprise me that Mrs. Parsons could make a few phone calls and get Richard's suspension overturned. It surprised me that she would bother to do it herself. She probably would use Mr. Chalmers for things like that usually. He was still in Hawaii though.

"You're welcome Richard. I hope your parents explained to you that the suspension was waived on the condition that your behavior be exemplary from now on?"

"I told him Bertie, and Walt explained the consequences to him if he gets in any more trouble at all. No football. I don't think you need worry about him not being good."

"Excellent. It's so good to see you again, Brenda. You look lovely today. Don't you think so, Kenny?" So far Brenda and I hadn't said anything to each other. The first I even knew they were coming with us to the club was when Hans turned off the road to the club to stop and pick them up. I'd been staring at Brenda since she came into sight though. She hadn't said anything either, but we were both looking at each other. I tried not to grin, but I was happy to be so close to her again. I thought she looked happy to see me too.

"Yes, she's very lovely. I think she's beautiful." Now, both of us were smiling at each other. Richard made some kind of sound, like he had a bad taste in his mouth or something. I saw Mrs. Connor looking at him worriedly, but he stopped making the sound when she turned to look at him. Mrs. Parsons spoke again.

"We have a nice day planned for the five of us. First, Richard needs to go see Mr. Thresher in his office, to be officially welcomed back to the club. It's really just a formality, but Richard, you should apologize for your past actions, then promise him that you've learned from that experience. Kenny will be with Dave taking his golfing lesson, and that will give Brenda and me a chance to talk together while you're accompanying Richard to Frank Thresher's office, Georgia. When you're done, let Richard go to the pool, then you can come back to join us all at the practice range. We can hit some warm up balls, and get ourselves ready to play. I thought it would be nice today if Kenny took Brenda to drive his cart. They could get all caught up with each other, and you and I could continue our earlier conversation, without having to disturb anyone else."

"Bertie, having Brenda and Kenny being alone together is something that Walt specifically forbade."

"Did he? Well I wasn't aware of that restriction until just now. Very well. We wouldn't want to go against Walt's expressed wishes, would we? Brenda can drive your cart then, and I will ride with Kenny." With that all decided, Richard and his mom went into the clubhouse, while Brenda and I went to the range, with me carrying Mrs. Connor's bag. Mrs. Parsons went to the pro shop to have her clubs and mine brought out, and to get someone to let Dave know that I was ready for my lesson.

I hit a few balls to get warmed up from the two big buckets the assistant pro brought with our clubs. Brenda and Mrs. Parsons sat together on a bench nearby, with Mrs. Parsons holding Brenda's hand and speaking to her quietly. I saw Brenda nodding her head a few times, but she was mostly just trying to listen to everything Mrs. Parsons was telling her. Dave got there soon after this, and I got busy working on my lesson. I noticed Mrs. Connor return about halfway through my lesson, and then she and Mrs. Parsons started hitting some balls to get ready for our game. Everything seemed normal until right after the lesson was completed.

The assistant pro had driven two golf carts up to the practice range, and Mrs. Parsons had him load her bag and Mrs. Connor's onto the same cart. She told me to put my bag on the other cart, then she and Mrs. Connor took off, leaving Brenda and me with the other cart. I looked over at Brenda, but she was busy watching her mother and Mrs. Parsons driving away.

"Richard's going to tell my father about this. You can bet that he's going to be watching us when we tee off. I thought I was going to ride with my mother?"

"I did too. That's what Mrs. Parsons said. She must have changed her mind or something. Will your dad be really mad?"

"Kenny, he's already really mad. My parents have been fighting all weekend, mostly when they were each in different parts of the house. My mother has been yelling at him, trying to make him do what Mrs. Parsons asked her to get him to do. He only agreed after Mrs. Parsons said she could get Richard's suspension taken away. He isn't happy, and he hates you."

"What will he do if Richard tells him we were alone together?"

"I don't know, but it won't be good. If he wasn't worried about Richard not staying in shape for football, he wouldn't have let me come here today." We got in the cart and drove over to the first tee. I got out and pulled out my driver before walking over to where Mrs. Parsons and Mrs. Connor were standing.

"Brenda is afraid that her driving in my cart will get back to Mr. Connor. Can we switch back to what we all agreed to?"

"Kenny, I've already thought about all that. I've told Georgia how I feel about you being punished unfairly. Walt needs to decide what is more important to him, our friendship and continued patronage, or his unwarranted antipathy towards you."

"I'd be more comfortable, and so would Brenda and Mrs. Connor, if we could ride like you said we would." Mrs. Parsons looked at me like she had looked at Mr. Parsons when he had said he wouldn't tolerate her using the company's business with Mr. Connor to get him to do what she wanted him to do.

"Kenny, I've already decided how we will ride today. You have the honors, shall we play?"

"I'm not going to make Mr. Connor mad just because you want to prove you can do whatever you want to. Why is it important to you to have us ride this way?"

"Kenny, I've explained my actions to you as much as I'm going to. Do you wish to play, or don't you?"

"No, I guess I don't. I don't like having people decide things like this for me." I turned back, walking over to the cart in order to put my driver back into my golf bag. In almost two months of my living with her, this was the first time that Mrs. Parsons was showing any anger at me.

"Kenny, think carefully before deciding to oppose me this way. There is more involved here than your personal comfort. It is a matter of principle to me now."

"You don't need me to be here while you do that. I'll wait for you over in the pool area."

"If you walk away, you'll be walking away from much more than a game of golf. Are you certain that you want to do that?"

I turned back to her. There was no mistaking the seriousness that had been in her voice. Mrs. Connor was standing there beside Mrs. Parsons, she looked very nervous, obviously not enjoying being a witness to this. I could feel the pressure of what was at stake between my temples. I resisted rubbing against that pressure, unwilling to betray the emotion I was feeling. I had been in countless situations that were roughly equivalent to this one. Always before, I had stood my ground, determined to not be bent to another's will. Always before, I had ended up with nothing to show for my trouble except new punishments or loss of privilege or opportunity. What made this time different, making it harder for me to stand firm, was that I had allowed myself to care about Mrs. Parsons, and about the wonderful lifestyle she was providing me with.

"If you continue, both of us will lose our chance to be what we want to be to each other. I hope this principle of yours means as much to you as it is costing both of us today. There are some situations I don't handle very well, and this is one of those. I'm sorry."

I walked away from the first tee, over towards the swimming pool. My legs felt weak, and I wanted to cry, but I just kept walking. As soon as I got to the pool gate, I walked to a lounger and sat down. I must have sat there alone for about forty five minutes before Hans came walking into the pool area looking for me.

"Kenny, I'm supposed to take you home with me. Are you ready to go?"

I got up and we walked over to Mrs. Parsons car. He hadn't brought the limo, so it was probable that he had only come just to get me. I looked over to the first tee, and the golf cart with my golf bag was gone. I went into the kitchen when I got back and told Gerta what had happened to me. I expected that she would see my side of things, but instead, she told me I should have been grateful for what I'd been given, and done what I was told.

"Kenny, there can only be one boss. You can tell her what you want, but, she's the boss. She gets to make the final decision."

"I can't do things that way, Gerta. I didn't want to make her mad, but she was doing that just because she wanted to show Mr. Connor that she was the boss, not him. She did the same thing with Mr. Parsons before. I didn't like it then, but she wasn't making me be a part of it."

"She gave you a chance to choose. Why couldn't you just do what she asked? It wasn't so important. Look at everything she's done for you. It seems to me that it would have been very easy for you to just let her do it the way she wanted to. Why did you have to stand in her way like that?"

"I don't know. I've always been like this. I guess I'm just stubborn and ungrateful, just like everyone has always said I was."

"No, you aren't like that. You are a very nice boy. You remind me of her when she was your age. She never could stand not getting her way when she was convinced that she was right. You need to learn not to be so sure you are right so often, and to choose to fight only when it is very important to you. This was important to her, but not to you. It was her fight. She will win this fight, because she always does, but now, she will feel betrayed by the person she was fighting for. She will be in her room for at least a week now."

"Gerta, I didn't try to make her mad. She got mad all by herself. At the end, I wanted to do what she wanted me to, but I couldn't. I think there's something wrong with me."

"There is. You could be one of them, the Chalmers. They are all the same way as you. Hans noticed that about you too. They got it from their papa. None of you know how to retreat. You need to practice giving up. You watch Mr. Parsons, you can learn how he does it. She was mad when she called for Hans to go pick you up. When she calls back to be picked up later, maybe it's better if you go up to your room. Give her time to get over things before you see her again. Right now, it would just make things worse. I know her, Kenny. Leave her to me when she gets here. I'll tell her how bad you feel. Don't make it any worse."

I went up to my room and went into my closet, looking at all my new clothes. I knew I might lose all that they had given me. I closed my closet door and turned off the light from the inside. It was so dark and quiet in there. I felt alone, completely alone, and it was a comforting feeling. In a short time, I started feeling more calm and relaxed about everything. I got down on my hands and knees and made my way to one of the far corners in the darkness. I put my back in that corner so that I faced out, looking towards where I knew the door was. I felt safe.

I woke up because Gerta was calling my name. I didn't want her to find me like that, so I got up, making my way in the dark, carefully over to the light switch, which I turned on. I tried to smooth the wrinkles out of my clothes, and used my fingers to straighten my hair before I opened the door, but when I came out, Gerta was gone, and there was a food tray laying on my bed. I looked at my watch, surprised to find that it was after eight at night. I must have been asleep for about six hours or more. I was hungry too, so I lifted the napkin that Gerta had put over the food tray. It was stuffed pork chops with green beans and steamed rice. the pork was stuffed with Gerta's mushroom stuffing. She had made the pork very moist, just like her stuffing, and I loved the way everything tasted. When I was done with everything, I took the empty plate and silverware downstairs to the kitchen. It was empty, so I needed to turn on the lights and I decided to clean everything and put it all away. I was almost done when I heard Mrs. Parsons behind me.

"Why were you in your closet like that? Were you trying to mock me?" She looked like she'd been weeping. She sounded sad.

"No. I went in there, looking at my clothes, and it was quiet, so I shut the door and turned off the lights. It was peaceful in there, and it made me get calmer. I just sat down for a minute, and I guess I fell asleep. I didn't even know you were home. I fell asleep around one thirty or two when that happened."

"Don't mock me Kenny. I couldn't stand that. I realize my ways seem strange to you, but I'm coping as well as is possible for me. I'm still very upset with you, for the way you took sides against me today. I was working on your behalf."

"I know you were. Gerta explained it to me. Still, it wasn't comfortable for me to be made to go against Brenda's father's wishes."

"It was comfortable to go against mine though?"

"I didn't choose to force the issue. You wanted to make some kind of statement to Mr. Connor. I didn't want to be a part of that. Gerta said you did it for me, but I think you did it because you wanted to, and because both you and he knew you could do it."

"He needed reminding."

"I already know how much power you have over my life, I don't need to be reminded. I could love you, but not if you have to prove to me that you can make me do things. If you can't love me without needing me to do what you tell me to, I'd rather leave here right now."

"No one has spoken of you leaving. I was pointing out to you that you let me down today."

"I was speaking about leaving, and when you try to make me do something, like you did today, I feel like I'm nobody to you. I've been nobody for too long, I don't want to be nobody here too. Mr. Parsons hates being treated like nobody too."

"Now, you're just being impertinent. I won't have you analyzing my marriage, or telling me how to treat people."

"I know why you hide in the closet now. It's where you go to give up."

"You're so wrong. I don't give up. If you think that's why I go there, then you understand nothing about me."

"You don't call it giving up, but that's what it is. I could feel it when I was there today. It's a safe place. I can see why you like it."

"I do not give up."

"Mr. Parsons could love you, but you'd have to learn to give up right in front of him."

"Don't try to sidetrack me, Kenny. I don't give up."

"You don't hook your drives, you don't lose to Mr. Parsons at golf, you don't sell your father's company. Mr. Parsons never had sex with Mrs. Connor."

"You can't know that."

"I do know it. He doesn't hide his emotions as good as you and I do. I could see his face when you were talking about Mrs. Connor, and then about Bea. Why is it you think he did have sex with Mrs. Connor?"

"Because she has thrown herself at him repeatedly, for fifteen years, that's why. I've seen them talking together at the club and at parties. She can be so obvious."

"He never had sex with her, I'm sure. He's really sorry about Bea too. I know you've already given up to him a lot, but he doesn't know you did, because you never do it in a way he recognizes as being that."

"I repeat, I don't give up."

"Is it that important to you? Think of all the trouble you'd save if you could learn how to do it, and then move on with your life. Gerta told me that I needed to watch Mr. Parsons, if I wanted to learn how to give up. I have a feeling you and I could learn this together. This is something I've always had trouble with too. We could try to help each other."

"If you want to learn how to give up, you need to find someone else to teach you how to do that. I have no interest in learning that particular skill."

"I need to learn how, whether you teach me or not. I guess I can teach myself, now that I understand my real problem. I don't want to keep getting into trouble because I don't know how to give up. I'd rather find a way to be able to avoid situations like today's in the future."

"We've yet to discuss the consequences for your decisions earlier today. What do you think would be a fitting punishment for today's disobedience?"

"Whatever you're comfortable with."

"What if I told you I was suspending your membership privileges at the country club?"

"That's all right."

"How about sending you away to a boarding school then? Would you like that?"

"Whatever you decide."

"Tell me a punishment that you would hate."

"I would hate it if you decided you didn't want me to live here anymore. If you sent me back to an orphanage."

"I won't allow you to defy me like you did today. Do you promise never to do that again?"

"No."

"You leave me no choice."

"I know. I guess this is what had to happen. I'm sorry. I really liked living here with you. I'll miss you."

"You planned this didn't you? You wanted to force me to have to make this choice. You think I care about you enough to give in on this. You may be mistaken. Are you truly willing to live with the consequences if you are?"

"It's your decision, not mine."

"Why are you so willing to make this into a contest where no one will win?"

"No one has ever cared about me enough to put what I want ahead of what they wanted. I guess I've never really given anyone the chance to before. I'm giving you a chance to do that right now."

"You can't test for caring, Kenny. It isn't just a yes or no decision. What you're really asking of me would require that I do what I've already told you I have no interest in doing."

"I'm not like you, I can't wait four years for you to try to convince me. I know that you care, but you need to show me that you can care enough."

"What do you need for me to give up?"

"Nothing."

"But, I thought you said I need to learn to give up."

"No, I said we both need to learn that. You need to show me that you care enough to put what I want ahead of what you want."

"Well, you need to tell me what you want."

"I want you to just love me."

"What do you think I want, if it isn't that already?"

"You want to control me."

"I want what is best for you."

"That's the same thing. You can still want the best for me without needing to control me. Today was a good example of that. You forced me to either do what you wanted or else not participate. You didn't care about what I told you I wanted."

"I was doing it for you."

"I asked you not to."

"We have a real problem, Kenny. I'm trying to help you, but to you, it is me controlling you. You need guidance. You just have to trust that what I'm doing is done with your best interests in mind."

"You don't listen. I told you I didn't want to do what you wanted me to do. You tried to force me to do it because it was what you wanted me to do. If you aren't going to listen to what I want, I'm going to give up. I won't tell you what I want, but I won't do anything I don't want to. It will be just like being back at the orphanage again."