Chapter 18

After Bea left with Mr. Chalmers, Mrs. Parsons started coming downstairs again. On Thursday, she came to the country club with me, and we played eighteen holes. I shot an eighty seven. My putting was improving, and I had learned where to hit the ball to avoid big trouble areas on the course. Mrs. Parsons and I started talking more out on the golf course. There was no one behind us anyway, so we talked in the cart between shots. She started telling me about how happy her early childhood had been, before she started getting depressed a lot. It had begun for her when she was thirteen years old.

"One day I woke up, and my childhood was gone forever. I'd been such a happy girl up until then. At first, my parents thought it was just a phase I was passing through, but it kept getting worse. I started avoiding everyone, hiding myself away in one cubby hole or another. I wouldn't eat during these times, and I cried so much. I didn't understand why I was feeling so bad. I had everything a child could possibly ask for, but still, I would wake up feeling despondent, unable to see one ray of hope or optimism."

"Did they last for a long time back then?"

"They would sometimes last for weeks. It bothered Bunny so much too. Until then, we'd shared everything together. Bunny never changed, even though he tried to, to keep me company I think. It was so sweet too. I'd be depressed, under a blanket somewhere, hiding from the world, and Bunny would try to do the same, he tried to pretend like it was a game we were playing together. Bunny couldn't last though. In an hour, maybe less, he'd have to give it up, go out to run around, burning off the energy he had accumulated while hiding with me.

"After a few months, he quit trying to pretend to be like I was. By then, our parents were worried about both of us. When I was fourteen, my mother died. It was the first real family loss I'd ever experienced. I was devastated, and I realized for the first time what real honest pain actually felt like. It's different from the pain I feel from my condition."

"How is it different?"

"The specific pain of loss, rather than just a generalized feeling of despair. I ached for the loss of my mother, I've carried that pain with me for many years. It actually helps put my melancholia into perspective for me. I have carried guilty feelings from my mother's passing, fearing that I may have contributed to her death in some way. Caused it somehow by my strange behavior in the year preceding her death."

"How did she die?"

"She drowned. No one knows how it could have happened. She was such a strong swimmer too. For years I've wondered if it was a suicide. When they recovered her body, there was no sign of anything wrong, or of any struggle she had put up. I remember looking at her, and not believing she was really dead. My father changed after her death, became even more distant with both of us. He worked all the time after that. Bunny and I practically had to finish raising ourselves. That was when I began taking golf seriously. It was my escape from everything. I withdrew from most social activities, preferring to go off by myself to practice playing golf. I became quite good at golf, and not very good at being with other people. Bunny went completely in the opposite direction. When he went off to college, except for the staff at the house, I would sometimes see no one for months at a time. Most of my practicing took place on our grounds."

"You didn't go to college too?"

"Oh no. I had no interest in studying academics. Bunny was always the one who liked school, not me. Other than golf, I liked nothing much, until Bunny started bringing my future husband around on his visits home. Thomas was a local boy also, but not from one of the better families. He and Bunny had first met in college, can you imagine? Both of them coming from a town of less than two thousand people, and never even meeting before going off to the same university? We ran in very different social circles though. Thomas latched onto Bunny, right from the first. Sometimes I wonder if it wasn't Thomas who first put the idea of his marrying me into Bunny's head. The Chalmers were everything that he aspired to. Money, social position, business standing. To him, we represented everything he someday hoped to earn by a lifetime of hard effort."

"Did you ever think that he might have just liked you, for yourself?"

"No. I liked him though, and he knew that. As soon as I saw him, I knew he was special. He burned with ambition. He took up playing golf just because I played it all the time. He didn't have the money for lessons, not at first, but he started playing anyway. My father took to him as well, although his reasons for doing so were far different than mine. Bunny had already decided on a career in law. He never wanted to go into the company, and had made that quite apparent to our father. Bunny used Thomas to keep Daddy from insisting that he join the company. Not that Thomas resisted that in any way. From that first summer, Thomas worked at the company, to earn money for his school expenses. He also managed to spend a lot of time at our home. In a way, it was like he was courting all three of us."

"Did you love him before you married him?"

"I don't know. I didn't get to really know him. He was always so busy. It wasn't a courtship that we had. He treated me well, but he was always more attentive to Bunny and Daddy. Bunny had gone through a bad period after Georgia dropped him and took up with Walt. He seemed to lose his always fragile confidence with girls. Thomas helped him with that. Thomas actually arranged dates for Bunny at college. He and Bunny became a package offering. If a girl wanted to date Thomas, she had to first find a friend to go out with Bunny. I believe Daddy had a financial understanding with Thomas regarding some, if not all, of this. It's quite possible that Daddy underwrote all of Thomas' dating expenses."

"Did he ever ask you out on a date with him?"

"Never! When they returned to Ridgeline, for breaks or for the summer, Thomas was always too busy to have time for dating. If he had dated, it probably wouldn't have been me he asked out. I was his friend's sister. Bunny had a good idea of how I felt, but I'm sure Thomas was oblivious, at least for the first few years. It was during their senior undergraduate year that the three began their negotiations together. I wasn't a party to any of their earliest talks. The first I learned about what they were discussing was from Bunny, and it was something he let slip."

"Do you really think it was something that slipped? Couldn't he have been trying to discover if you were interested?"

"That isn't Bunny's style, Kenny. He isn't devious. What he let slip was the building plans for the conversion of three guest rooms into a single large suite. At that time, my room was in the guest bedroom on the far side of Bunny's room, the room that is yours now. Beyond that room was Daddy's bedroom. We use that as a large guest room for the times when Bunny stays over now. When he mentioned converting the three guest rooms over, I asked him what possible reason he could have for doing that. That is when he told me that it was going to be Thomas' new living quarters, and that Thomas was going to be joining the company full time with Daddy, while Bunny went on to law school. This was the first I'd heard of any of their plans. It was also when I started becoming suspicious. I had seen the way Thomas started looking at me about then, as if he were trying to take my measure. My father started speaking to me of the need for me to plan for my future, saying that I couldn't spend my whole life, outside, whacking a little white ball all over the grounds."

"How did you find out their plans?"

"Thomas finally came to me. He made a confession of sorts, explaining that he felt uncomfortable with continuing with his talks unless I was told about what was being discussed. When he mentioned that they were discussing a proposed marriage between he and I, I got up from my chair and ran into my bedroom. I couldn't have been more shocked and surprised. I also admit to a moment of great excitement. Like my father, I too had a fear that golf was to be my sole social activity. I had begun taking part in various ladies golf tournaments in the surrounding area, and doing well in them too. I was meeting other people, and attempting to become somewhat more sociable. My emotional condition made it difficult, and I had to learn to play even during those times I felt like hiding in my room. That was so difficult for me. I always felt so vulnerable and alone, even in a room full of people."

"How long did you stay in your room after Mr. Parsons told you they were making wedding plans?"

"Until they had all gone away. Bunny and Thomas back to school, and Daddy, back to the company. It must have been three or four days at least. That was the first time that I hid in my room, pretending to have my melancholia, when I didn't really have it. I was in a serious state of emotional agitation though. Part of me wanted to scream in rebellion against those three deciding the course of my future life. Part of me wanted to leap with joy that someone else was assuming the responsibility for those decisions."

"If you already liked him, and he knew it too, wouldn't it have been easier if you just said okay?"

"Perhaps it would have been. I questioned Daddy about their plans, the very next time he came home, after I came back out of my room again. To him, it was a cut and dried business proposition. Bunny had put forward someone to replace him in the company's future management, which freed him to pursue a different career. Thomas wanted the newly vacated position of heir apparent to running the company. Daddy wanted to solve the problem of what to do about me, and wanted to bind Thomas more closely to the family to ensure his continued loyalty. For him, the negotiated agreement met all of those criteria. Everybody got something that they wanted. Everyone assumed that I would too. It was no secret that I had a crush on Thomas. We were all twenty two at the time. In my father's mind, it was past the time when I should select a mate."

"You must have decided to do it, because here we are today, and you've been married for all these years."

"I did decide to do it, Kenny. I waited for four years more though, before I did that. By the time I finally agreed, Bunny was through law school, and Thomas had proved that he could be an excellent replacement for my father should the need arise. I stayed in my bedroom, and they installed Thomas in what is now our suite. For four years, it was still unsettled. I insisted that Bunny remain living at home for appearances sake. Thomas was his friend, not my husband, or fiance. Daddy sided with me. He said nothing could be finalized until the wedding took place, and that it was up to Thomas to convince me that he was a worthy suitor, and deserving of my hand in marriage."

"Four years? Why so long?"

"I wanted a proper courtship. For the first year, there was no progress. Everyone assumed that I would eventually grow comfortable with Thomas' nearness, and just naturally gravitate over to accepting this arranged marriage. At the end of the first year, my father requested that I set the date. I refused, saying that I was less likely to consent after being ignored for the past year by my supposed future husband. For the first time, all three of them wanted to hear from me about what I wanted. I told them I demanded a companion, someone who showed concern and interest in my well being. Thomas had never done that. He was polite, but interested in his own pursuits, not mine. From that point forward, Thomas made at least an attempt to show an interest in me. At the end of the second year, I told Bunny it would be at least another ten years at the pace Thomas was moving, before I'd even consider consenting to a marriage. When he heard what I'd told Bunny, Thomas was livid with me. He threatened to move out, to go somewhere else for his employment. By then, Thomas had proven his worth in the business. He and my father had developed a close bond. Daddy believed Thomas' threat, but I knew better. He had already set his sights on taking over the business from Daddy."

"Suppose he had left, would you have let him?"

"He did leave, for three months. He found new employment, and he did well. Bunny moved into his own home in Ridgeline, close to his office. Daddy and I didn't speak for the entire time that Thomas was gone. He missed Thomas far more than I did. Daddy bought the company that Thomas worked for, and Thomas moved back in again. Daddy told him he needed to win me if he ever wanted to take over the company. He made it a challenge to Thomas. Bunny had to move back home because I threatened to move out if he didn't. That situation remained a stalemate until the end of the third year. We were twenty five then, none of us married, Daddy was getting impatient. That was when Thomas started playing golf with me everyday, trying in earnest to woo me over to him. Daddy told him to put all of his energy into getting me to marry him."

"I can't imagine him just playing golf every day."

"No, you're right. We played tennis too, in addition to the golf, and we went dancing at the club every Saturday night. Thomas overpowered me in tennis, but he never could beat me on the golf course. He first beat me at golf the last time we played together, Kenny. I didn't even think about that until he brought it up later that same evening. Thomas is always competitive, in everything he attempts. We danced together every dance, every Saturday night. Thomas made it into a contest of our stamina. I think getting me to marry him was the first time that anyone had set him to a task that he was unable to easily meet. I could see his frustration with my refusal to be cowed at his pursuit. We would be unmarried to this day if I hadn't lost a ball over in the trees on the left of the fifteenth hole. My tee shot got a vicious hook on it for some reason, and wound up buried deep in the woods. We both heard it hitting several limbs as it went in."