Chapter 2

When I left Brenda's and drove back home, I still felt like the two of us had made a little bit of progress. Something that we had talked about over at the window had gotten her to decide to try to touch me after she wasn't able to the first time. It was true that the actual touching hadn't been that big of a success, but I had already figured out that it wasn't going to be an easy thing for me to try and set things back to rights with Brenda.

The next day I finished up my Meteorology class just in time to make it over to Bolling to keep my appointment with Dr. Fleming. She seemed disappointed that Brenda hadn't come with me. After I told her about what Brenda and I had talked about and done the day before, she asked me if I had tried to call Brenda later to see if she was doing all right. I explained to her then that I didn't know Brenda's phone number. It occurred to me that I hadn't done too good a job in explaining to Dr. Fleming the tenuous connection I had with Brenda. I tried to explain it better to her.

"So, you wait until she contacts you now? You never tried to initiate contact with her after that first time?"

"She told me to go away and leave her alone."

"Why do you think she called the police about your intentions with that pistol? Why do you think she has phoned you so often?"

"She calls about once every month or less. I wouldn't call that often."

"From the woman you've described, those phone calls represent a major effort at reaching out to you. For all you know, those might be the only phone calls she has made to anyone."

"Do you think I should drive by her apartment after I'm done here to see if she's okay?"

"If you did it because you were concerned, genuinely concerned, then, yes, I think you should. If you were doing it only because you wanted to do what I might approve of you doing, then, no."

"I'll stop by then, just to make sure she's all right. If she asks me to leave right away, then I'll just do that."

I got to Brenda's about the same time as the day before. She didn't open up her door, but she did sound happy that I had stopped by. She sent me over to the window right away. When I got there, she even opened the drape a little so that I could see her some. Maybe she did it so that she could see me too.

"Did you go see that doctor again?"

"Yes. I don't know if she can help me though. She seems concerned more about how you're doing than with me. She told me that I should talk to you more about things. Find out more about how you feel. I was wondering if you'd mind if I phoned you sometimes?"

"I don't know if I'd like that or not. I don't usually give out my phone number to people. I think I like it better the way it is right now."

"All right. I'm going to some classes over at the community college. I don't know how much longer I'll be able to come over here to see the doctor. I just thought that I'd like to be able to call you and talk sometimes, kind of like you do with me."

"You want me to quit calling you?"

"No, I like it when you call me. You don't call very often though. Did you need to take a shower yesterday? After you touched my arm?"

"I don't want to discuss that with you, Gainey. It wasn't what I expected though. I can tell you that much at least."

"There's something else I've been thinking about, something I need to tell you. I don't think I can tell it to you in person like this."

"Is it something else bad that you did?"

"No, it isn't like that. Sometime when you call me, if you do, ask me about the dream that I keep having."

"Is it a dream about me?"

"I need to get back, Brenda. My next class is at two o'clock. I just wanted to stop by and make sure you were okay. I'll talk to you later. Remember, if you think of something you want me to do, I'll do it if I can."

"Don't go before you come to my door again, Gainey. Put your arm in just like you did that last time." This time, when I put my arm through the door, Brenda was hidden behind the door so I couldn't see her. She took my arm in both her hands again, and in a short time she started moving my hand sideways, and I felt my finger tips touching something else, possibly bare skin, for a few seconds before she stopped. She didn't let my arm go, but she did stop moving it sideways. "Gainey, I'm going to let your arm go for a few seconds, but don't take it back yet, all right?"

"All right. You want me to just leave it there?" Instead of her answering me, I felt her take hold of my arm again with both of her hands. This time she moved my arm down until it was at an uncomfortable angle for me. My prosthesis needed to be moved around so that it didn't have too much pressure on it. I wound up mostly balanced on my good leg with my knee bent. She started moving my hand sideways again, and this time, in addition to soft skin, I felt the finger tips passing through hair and then back over soft skin again. I heard what I thought was a soft groan from just inside and behind that door. Just as suddenly as before, Brenda released my arm. I hurried to get it back from the door, worried that she'd slam it shut before I could get it free again.

"Gainey, I'm done with my experiment now. I'll call you tonight when I get off work. Is that all right?"

"Sure. That will be good."

"Are you mad at me for what I just did?"

"No, I already told you that I would do what you wanted me to. I'm not even sure about what it is you just did."

I drove back to the college and attended my lab class. I had the headset on and was listening to the voice drone on in Spanish, but all of my thoughts were on what I thought Brenda had been doing with my hand. I believed that had to have been her pubic hair she was running my fingers back and forth through. If it was, what did it mean? When I got home, I made my supper and went to bed at seven o'clock. I wanted to be alert for when Brenda called me. I went to sleep finally, at around ten o'clock. When the phone rang, it was after five in the morning, and Brenda had been drinking. From the sound of her words, she must have started drinking heavily as soon as she got off of work.

"Gainey, do I disgust you? Do you hate me for doing that?"

"I already answered that, Brenda. I don't hate you, and you don't disgust me. I thought you hated me, but now I'm not sure."

"I thought I did too. In fact, I'm sure I did. That's not even the worst part though. Touching you doesn't make me want to go get clean again. I guess I already suspected that, even before yesterday and today though. There has to be something really wrong with me to feel the way I do. You raped me, and I hated every second of it. Because of that, I couldn't even stand to think about having sex with anyone. Now I'm thinking about you like that. Today, I acted like some slutty person, rubbing my body like that against you. What am I going to do now, Gainey? I could barely stand to be like I was before you came back, so how will I ever live with feeling like this about you?"

"I don't know, Brenda. I've sort of had a similar problem ever since that time out at Kraemer Junction. Remember I told you about that dream I keep having? You asked me if it was a dream about you. It sort of is a dream about you and me, but it isn't about now. It is a dream about that night, the boy and girl we used to be, not who we've turned out to be. In this dream, I don't rape you. Everything is still the same, but in my dream, you want to do it as much as I do. When I have this dream, I always wake up crying, and calling your name."

"I didn't want to do it! I don't want you dreaming about me that way. You raped me, and I want you to always keep that fact straight in your mind. I'm not going to let you pretend that it was anything different than that. It might have turned out just like you dreamed about, but only if you'd waited until it was the right time for us to do that together."

"Don't get upset. I know it's only a dream. I know what I really did. I don't ever confuse the two of them. I just wanted you to know that I never forget how it was. There is never a time that I don't regret what I did. I'm not having that dream trying to pretend the rape was different than it was. It was a rape, open and shut case. You were the victim and I was the rapist. Part of what I was saying was that you can't control how you need to react to things. You shouldn't worry about what happened between us today. I worry about that dream. I wanted you to know that, in my mind, I really wish it had been different, and that I hadn't hurt you like I did."

"Do you want me to hate you again? I can go back to hating you if that's what you want."

"What I want is for you to find a way to be okay again. I want to help to set some of the things right that can be set right."

"You can't take it back, or make it like it never happened, and that is the only thing that would make it right."

"I know that. I want to make it better though. I want to make it less harmful to you in any way I can."

"Yesterday helped to do that. If you can accept that I might want to use you, for my own selfish needs, just the same as you used me that time."

"You can use me any way you want to."

"I'm going to. You just remember that you are the one that told me I could. I never told you that you could, but you did it anyway. Ask your doctor why I get excited by your touch when other people touching me makes me want to scream and run away. When do you see her again?"

"I've got an appointment next Tuesday. Do you want me to come by after?"

"Is she young? Is she prettier than me?"

"She's fifty years old, or pretty close to it."

"Is she pretty?"

"She's all right looking. A little too old for me to be thinking if she's pretty or not. She probably was pretty twenty years ago. Do you want me to come see you after my appointment?"

"Do you think that I'm pretty?"

"You're more than pretty. You're so pretty, it almost breaks my heart when I think about what I've done to you."

"People tell me I am. I don't feel pretty. I stay in my apartment and drink by myself. What you have to do, Gainey, is find a way to convince me that I really am pretty. If you do that, so I really believe it, I'll forgive you for raping me."

After she hung up the phone, I tried to remember all the things that we'd talked about. Conversations with Brenda were somewhat circular in nature. My instinct was that we were making progress, heading towards some kind of resolution. There were so many things about her that were worrying to me. Her drinking, the way she stayed locked up in her apartment. I could see that she really wanted to do something to me, something to make me understand a little bit of what she'd had to go through when I raped her. From what she had told me, and from what I had felt her do, there were other feelings about me that she had as well. I worried about how much of that was a byproduct of me having raped her before.

I called Dr. Fleming, but she was busy with a patient. I asked her receptionist if she had any free time where I could come see her that day. She told me I could have an hour between three thirty and four thirty. It meant me skipping out from my English class, but I felt it was more important to ask the doctor's advice. I was even more worried that I'd do something stupid, something that would end up being harmful to Brenda. I wound up cutting my class, and driving over to Bolling.

It took over half an hour to tell the doctor what had happened, both in our meeting at the apartment, and the later phone conversation. She kept interrupting me, asking how this or that had made me feel. I tried to explain that I had an overall feeling of being worried, but that I didn't feel qualified to keep trying to do what was best for Brenda, not without some guidance and assistance.