Chapter 46

We'd all met back at the house. Carol and I had separated as soon as we got there, not wishing to draw any more attention. The aunts' seeing us hold hands was enough. There were only a few people there: the preacher, who I didn't know; Joanne, Bob Sr., Carol, myself, and a few of the aunts' neighbours. Pie asked me if I'd like a drink. I normally only drink the occasional beer, but given the heightened state of my emotions, I asked for a double CC on the rocks. When she brought it to me, I took a sip then downed half in a gulp. Carol, watching from the other side of the room, looked nervous. She'd only seen me drunk on liquor and high emotions once before and it hadn't been pretty. We'd had very little to eat so far, just a few snacks. We would be eating more later on, but right now, I was down on chow. The CC hit my gut like a small nuclear device. I quickly poured the rest down my throat, setting off a second detonation. As I felt the alcohol race through my system, I struggled to regain control and succeeded. I wasn't going to make a foolish scene in front of Carol Anne again. When Pie asked me if I wanted another, I said, "No. Thanks, maybe a beer later."

Carol excused herself to make a phone call. She was gone quite awhile. I made small talk with some of the other guests. From my position near the hall door, I could hear Carol talking to some one quite animatedly. There were several long silences. Then she started up with a lot of 'Yes's' and 'No's', interspersed with occasional laughs and giggles that sounded more normal for her, then more animated, almost excited conversation. I could hear it starting to wind down, so I headed to the bathroom. I hadn't wanted to interrupt her while she was talking about something important; I know what it's like to lose a train of thought from even the smallest interruption. As I passed her in the hall, I heard her say.

"Oh, thank you so much! You have no idea how much this means to me." And almost as an afterthought. "... and Ben". OK! I will. 'Byeee." and she hung up.

She had a happy smile for a few minutes then the dullness slid back into place. Whoever she was talking with had just done something nice for her and Ben. 'Bout time too, from what the aunts had told me; they had a pretty tough row to hoe — a partner jerking him around in his business, causing money problems; his health, which was apparently failing; no children of their own and no prospect of ever having them. And Carol wanted kids so badly!

When I returned to the room, Bob Sr. sidled over to me. "Thirsty, eh, Old Man?"

Old Man indeed! Look at yourself! I wasn't in any mood to play pussy-foot with him, alcohol or no. After what I'd heard from the aunts, the little I'd gleaned from Bob over the years, and my own twenty-year old suspicions and memories, left to my own devices, I would gladly have throttled the old bastard. I had actually come here with some intent to destroy him; all I needed was an opening. After what passed between Carol and me at the wake, I might even have to actually kill the bastard.

The old boy was a little in his cups, too. As I recalled back over the years, he often was, and that was when something bad would descend upon us. He started to get a little maudlin, weepy eyed over Dolly. Suddenly he astounded me.

He said very quietly. "You know, I think I probably owe you and Carol an apology."

He said it as if he owed us an apology for not tipping the waiter. Very, 'Old Boy, please forgive me, I'm a little short on change, d'you mind?'

Damn right you do! This might be the opening I needed, but I wasn't sure of the ground yet.

"Excuse me?"

He brought his head conspiratorially close, so no one would hear but me. I noticed Carol watching intently.

"I said, I think I owe you two an apology."

I let him play it out; this was the opening I desperately needed, but it could easily go the wrong way if not handled just so.

"For what, pray tell."

No shit, that's what I said.

"I saw the way you two looked at each other today, and realized you still have deep feelings, after all these years. I got a little wistful when I saw that, and wondered what it would have been like if I'd left well enough alone. Oh well, water under the bridge now, eh? Old Boy."

BONG! He admitted it! He gave me exactly what I needed! Now get him!

Tante Jo had just brought me a beer without being asked, sensing I might need something wet. I'd just taken a sip when he said those words. I choked on it and sputtered. 'Oh well... ' indeed!!

I SAW RED!! And threw caution to the winds. I wanted to destroy him, but I hadn't thought my rage would boil over that quickly or violently. I might frighten Carol, but I was in it to the finish now! Maybe it was the booze on an empty stomach, or seeing my beloved Carol still in pain after twenty years. Maybe it was all those years of pent up frustration and lost love; or maybe fresh anger at what I'd learned today. Maybe the festering anger at the things I'd learned from other sources just recently or his insufferable 'Old Boy' attitude finally tipped me over the edge.

Most likely, it was the combination of all those hurts, angers, and pains added to and piled on over the years that finally reached critical mass. Whatever, I started winding up, building a seething roiling rage.

I spoke a little louder than necessary. "You owe us an apology?"

Heads turned. Carol started to slump into her chair. To her, it looked like I was going on another mindless booze rant.

Very clearly and distinctly now: "You? Owe? US? An apology?!"

And then I let go. I pulled both triggers. I unloaded a broadside. I let him have it, and all the other metaphors for venting deep-seated anger. I roared. I'm sure they heard me downtown.

"You insufferable piteous old goat!!

"Fuckin' 'A' you owe us an apology!! You should get down on your fucking knees right fucking now and pray I don't twist your pathetic fucking head off with my bare fucking hands this fucking instant!!

"Like I should have done twenty FUCKING years ago!!"

I was livid, frothing even. The room was deathly silent. Bob Sr. stood there stunned, mouth agape. Carol looked like she was trying to disappear into her chair. I roared on, letting it all out. I didn't care who heard, or what they thought. This useless bag of shit had destroyed my life and Carol's and alienated me from the two people I loved most in the world.

"'If I'd left well enough alone'. You useless bag of shit! If you'd left well enough alone, I'd just be retiring from the Army, full pension! If you'd left well enough alone, Carol Anne would have her art degree, like she'd dreamed.

"If you'd left well enough alone, we'd still be married, and after twenty fucking years, have a dozen kids, and be happily making more!"

I slowed down a bit, took a drink to wet my throat. Scott hadn't reacted to 'still married'; I think at that point it was beyond his ken. Carol was beginning to look more interested like I might be on more than just a booze rant after all. The rest of the room was frozen in shocked silence.

I reloaded, came about, and fired again, roaring and frothing.

"You, Mr. Colonel fucking Scott, Engineer! If I hadn't been so overawed by your stuffed shirt sanctimonious pontificating twenty years ago, and stood up to you more directly, we might not be standing here today with Dolly dead of a broken heart and mine and Carol Anne's lives in a shambles!!

"If I'd known or even suspected then, even a tenth of what I do today, I would have hunted you down like the vermin you are, cut off your useless balls and shoved them down your fucking throat! Then I'd get really pissed and squash you like the insignificant little piece of shit you really are!

"I promised you once upon a time if you tried anything again, I'd hunt you down. I shouldn't have been such a fucking gentleman, and terminated your worthless life then and there. It would have been small payment to spend some time in prison for the pain you put us through -- ALL of us: Carol Anne! Riekie! Dolly! Pie and Jo! Me!

"Well, I came hunting today, and look what I found!! You worthless fucking piece of SHIT!

I screamed. I was just getting warmed up.

"HOW D'YA LIKE ME NOW?!

Now both he and Carol knew I'd come for more than just a funeral. I began a true rant. There was no logical sequence, just pure vitriol venting. My voice thundered around the room.

"Because of you, and your machinations, I was rejected by RMC! Because of you, one of the two most wonderful, beautiful creatures in God's universe wasted away over ten years of her life and never had her career! Or her children! And she's STILL in pain after all these years!

"I remember the conversation we had twenty years ago last month when you told me if you didn't like the way things were going between us you'd, and I quote, 'Move Heaven and Earth' to put an end to it! Well, I guess you fucking well did!

"You destroyed my career before it even got started! Maybe not the full end of the world; I started another which I enjoy, but only after years of spinning tires!... But the worst fucking thing you did and for which you should rot in Hell forever: you destroyed the first woman I loved and severely damaged the second! You destroyed Carol Anne as surely as you would step on an ant! YOU DESTROYED HER SPIRIT! And the absolute worst crime of all... you tried to destroy something pure and good and true, as Opa described it twenty years ago! You tried, and basically succeeded, to destroy our love — OUR LOVE!"

I was roaring, ranting, practically foaming. Carol was sitting up straight now, the colour drained from her face, but her eyes had lost some of their dullness. She was rapt. Scott stood there taking it, seeming to bend before the gale of my rage, my references to there being more than just Carol and me still not penetrating his mind.

"I KNOW how you had my course reports doctored by your buddy at Ipperwash!! I KNOW how you came up with a cock and bull story to Carol Anne that I screwed around on her and Riekie all that summer when I was actually CB'd! I KNOW how my excellent evaluation from the Barbados Exchange got stamped 'Do Not Employ'!! I've SEEN the proof. You spineless, ball-less bit of desiccated bat guano!

"I... me... I... have friends in the army now.THEY checked my records! THEY found who made the false entries and altered my records! And now they know who put him up to it!! My record is finally being cleared after almost twenty years! Twenty fucking years LATE, but my record is now CLEAN! My career was fucked, and you got YOUR wish, but by God I can sleep at night again knowing I did nothing wrong! The lies are expunged, the whisperers silenced! This last act alone has sent me HUNTING. Remember I promised you I'd come hunting? WELL, I'M HERE!

"Why? Because any act against me is an act against her, fulfilling the terms of the promise!!"

Now Scott truly paled, realizing I intended to keep my promise of that terrible night twenty years ago. I kept on, exposing all his crimes.

"I know how you LUSTED after your own daughter! I KNOW the real reason you destroyed me was to keep my beloved Carol Anne for your own perverted plaything! Thank God she got away from you to college, if only for a year, and escaped your scabrous clutches!