Chapter 43

Late August 1968 found me in Toronto registering for an electronics engineering programme at Ryerson Polytechnical Institute. It wasn't a degree level course, but Ryerson was considered the very best in the country, and its graduates were the most sought after in the field. A single year of university at your leisure and discretion after graduation would get the coveted iron ring.

I wanted to make it work, but I was in such a tailspin, I really didn't have the heart. I split up with Carol and Riekie two years before almost to the day, but it felt like yesterday, thanks to being rejected by RMC. I really should have taken some time off, skipped school for a year and just tried to get my head back together, but I didn't.

The first few weeks, I did Ok. I went to class, did my homework, handed my labs in on time and tried to bury myself in the work. I went home every weekend. A family friend drove back and forth every week to Toronto. For the price of splitting the gas costs, I got to eat home cooking. Around the end of September, Bob called from Winnipeg, of all places. He said he was going to university there, but didn't like the programme. He was thinking of dropping out and changing over to one of the community colleges. Being a hands-on type, he wanted less theory and more practical.

Bob said the whole family had moved down to Winnipeg from FortChurchill after Dolly gave Bob Sr. an ultimatum, and Bob thought the end of that marriage was near. Bob Sr. had caved in and moved the family to Winnipeg, but still spent most of his time in Florida, even though his NASA contract wasn't renewed.

Riekie had started full medical school at U of T, and Carol was in Toronto attending OCA. At least the girls got their career choices! I still didn't know the full perfidy of my enemy, and just wondered which of the Fates I had pissed off so badly. Bob said the girls were back on speaking terms, but still weren't close, although they were close enough o live together with the aunts. I thought if anybody could get them fully reconciled as sisters at least, it would be the aunts, that is, if they had recovered from their own loss. He said Carol was still very depressed, but could smile occasionally. I thought he was exaggerating how poor her mental state was. I felt for sure by now Bob Sr. would have told her the truth and let her heal.

I told Bob about being rejected by RMC and that I was attending Ryerson in Toronto. He said he was sorry to hear about RMC, he knew how much I'd wanted it. Like me, he was mystified how I could be rejected based on my early high marks and my excellent course reports. When I told him I was going to school in Toronto, he thought it would be a good opportunity to contact the girls and at least re-open communications. He even gave me the aunts' telephone number.

Bob's call, far from being helpful, just struck that sore nerve. Telling him about RMC and finding out both my wives were in the same city was too much. Of course, I'd known where Riekie was all along, and if I'd thought for a minute she'd give me even the time of day, I'd have looked her up. Now his suggestion I call them and reopen old wounds did just that by itself.

I went back to Toronto that Sunday night thoroughly depressed and feeling sorry for myself. I went downhill fast. I got in with a drinking crowd, and started partying hard and fast. I burned up a lot of cash on booze and started smoking. I spent most nights of the week drunk and the next day hung over so badly I started cutting classes. The booze and my self-pity were an insidious combination. I only felt human when I was drinking.

After more than a month on this path to self-destruction, I got a belly full of 'Dutch courage' one night, and called the girls. My last communication from Riekie had been that if I called, she wouldn't answer or return my calls. Tante Pie answered the phone and recognized my voice straightaway. She was very friendly and glad to hear from me. I asked to speak to Riekie or Carol. She said Carol had a late class and wasn't home yet, but Riekie was. I expected Riekie to say she wasn't taking my calls, so imagine my surprise when she came on the line! We exchanged pleasantries and she suggested the three of us get together on some neutral ground. Tante Jo heard that, and yelled their house was neutral ground, and to invite me over. Riekie said Ok, but she had to check with Carol and could she call me back. I gave her my number, and we hung up.

About an hour later, I was a little more the worse for wear when the phone rang. It was Riekie. She said Carol agreed to see me at the aunts' and was tomorrow night convenient? I said sure, got the address, and once again we hung up. I got very drunk that night. Hearing Riekie's voice not once, but twice sounding friendly for some reason upset me a great deal. I guess I thought she should be nervous with me. In my drunken stupors, I had begun blaming her for running away. When I was fully sober, I knew it wasn't so simple, and there had been other forces in play.

The next night, I needed some more 'Dutch courage' to go over there and meet them. It wasn't far from me, just a short hop on the subway. When I got there I was mostly sober, and almost turned away at the door, but managed to ring the bell. Tante Pie answered the door and gave me a hug of welcome. She led me in to meet my girls.

The first thing I noticed was they were both still wearing their rings, lockets and bracelets.

The next thing I noticed was they were still as beautiful as ever, except Bob was right about Carol. She still looked haunted. Her eyes weren't red from crying like the last few times I'd seen her, but there was an emptiness there that frightened and saddened me. It was like the lights were on, but nobody was home. She smiled, but it was a mechanical smile like you see on tour guides. Some how I knew it wasn't just me that got that smile — it was for any situation that socially required one. Carol's voice when she greeted me was almost featureless. I knew Bob Sr. had never told her the truth, and that someday I was going to hunt down and maim or kill the son of a bitch that did this to her. When Tante Pie called us to dinner, Carol moved like she carried a great burden.

Riekie looked a lot better. She seemed brighter than Carol, and carried herself with a self confidence I liked. That quiet inner strength I'd seen in her over two years ago was manifesting itself nicely. But her eyes lacked a certain lustre, too. Hers weren't haunted, just pained with a sense of longing. I thought if I could see mine, I would see something similar in mine. The last two years had obviously not been easy on her, either, and had left their mark. Her greeting was more normal than Carol's, her voice having life and texture.

The third thing I noticed was I still loved these two wonderful creatures beyond reckoning. I had thought I was over the worst of it. Not by a long shot! I realized it would take many years to recover from the loss of these two, if ever.

That's when the evening started to go downhill. It started out fine enough. We made small talk catching up on the comings and goings of various family members until dinner was served. The aunts offered me a drink which I accepted. The booze loosened my tongue, and I was able to talk more freely. They kept my glass full. At dinner, they served wine and again my glass was kept full. By the time dinner was over, I had quite a skin full. The after dinner drinks put me over the edge. The girls had refused the before dinner drinks, but did have wine with their dinner.

Riekie noticed me getting drunker by the minute and suggested I ease up a bit. Good advice, and I might have taken it, but then she said I reminded her of her father when he was drunk. I was already thinking about killing him on sight from the condition Carol was in. Being compared to him set me off on a rant about that useless bastard and what I'd like to do to him. I was just drunk enough, I didn't make any sense. I got very loud and obnoxious and made a hell of a scene. I scared them and they left the room. I knew I had really put my foot in it and that it was time to leave, and let these girls be. Tante Pie wouldn't let me go on the subway in my condition and drove me home. She didn't seem upset with me, just sad. I was sure I'd seen the last of the girls forever.

Oddly enough, that wasn't the last. They called me a couple days later and asked me out to dinner at a restaurant. We talked and had some laughs, and I got pissed again, but I didn't go off on a rant this time. I just got maudlin over not being accepted to RMC, which was the first they'd heard of it. They thought I'd changed my mind and gone to Ryerson on my own. The evening wasn't a total loss like the previous one, but it was far from a success as well. We did make arrangements to meet again, and that night, I was half in the bag when they got there. We had dinner, but the girls said they each had a hard day coming, and needed to get to bed, so they left early. I knew damn well I drove them away with my drinking and self-pity. I got royally pissed after they left. I don't remember how I got home.

The next morning, the phone ringing just about took the top off my pounding head. My mouth felt like the whole Russian army had walked through in their sock feet. When I finally got the God-awful noise of ringing stopped by answering it, Riekie was on the other end. She wanted to meet me for lunch. I wasn't sure if I could be well enough to do it, but said Ok. I lit a smoke, and poured out some hair of the dog.

When I met Riekie at lunchtime, I knew I looked a fright. I was totally disheveled and reeked of stale booze. My head still hurt, my breath reeked, and my guts churned. I wasn't able to eat very much. Riekie came to the point quickly.

"David. What happened to the strong, mature, responsible person I fell in love with and that everyone else admired so much? Where did this weak individual wallowing in self pity come from? I don't know you any more.

"You need to get a grip on yourself. People lose career chances every day, and still keep going. It's not the end of the world. David, I still love you, but the way you are now, you won't live another five years. I'm not saving myself for a dead man or a drunk, and someday you're going to need to be there for Carol Anne."

I wasn't ready to be lectured just yet. I knew she was right about my self-destructive behavior. I kicked myself for it every day, then fell right back into it. What I needed was incentive and answers. I let my booze addled brain do the talking.

"Riekie, you don't know the half of anything about me anymore. It isn't just the RMC thing. That was just the last straw, and it hurts because I tied that plan to you and Carol Anne. You don't lose a marriage and the two people you love twice in two weeks then have the only other anchor in your life jerked out without taking some damage. It's just taken two years for it to show. I was doing fine here, until Bob called and told me you were both here. To be so close to you and yet so far has been the hardest thing I've had to bear in some time. So don't be ragging on Superman because his cape's a little loose. He hasn't lost it completely.