Chapter 1

Once, many years ago, there lived a King and Queen who ruled benevolently and wisely over their tiny kingdom. This fine couple had been married for some years and, despite valiant efforts, were still childless. The happiness that they both enjoyed, from each other's civilised company, scintillating intellectual conversation, and the love in which they were held by the simple peasant folk who made up most of their subjects, was not sufficient to overcome their regret at failing to produce a child - an heir - someone who would continue to rule over their land, once they had both passed away.

One day, the King was in the depths of despair. He was also in his office.

"When will the good Lord grant me my desire and present me with an heir to my throne?" he despairingly asked nobody in particular.

A few yards away, on the far side of his large office, a mist seemed to form. King Wilhelm removed his fashionable spectacles and wiped them. He replaced them onto his regal proboscis and looked over the room again. The mist remained. Not only that, but it was increasing in density until it passed into a state beyond mere mistiness to assume quasi-solidity. Seconds passed. The mist grew ever darker and appeared, to the good King, to acquire fleshlike form. More seconds passed. Features began to appear and the shadowy apparition became ever more tactile. Finally, the miasma resolved itself into a human and female shape, and one of the most superlative beauty.

"Who are you? And how did you get past Security?" asked the astounded Monarch.

"Don't you mean the Palace Guard?" replied the Good Fairy (for it was none other than she).

"Course not! I mean Securicor! Those chocolate soldier so-called Guards! They're just for show - couldn't knock the skin off a rice pudding! Bloody bunch of fairies! So sorry, ma'am - no disrespect!"

He reddened at the thought that he might have offended this supernatural being. The Good Fairy looked severely at the King.

"Because you have made a remark, however jocular in intent, betokening the most apalling insensitivity to minority rights and alternative lifestyles, I must give you a message somewhat different from that which I had originally intended."

She continued.

"Because of my intervention, you will have an heir, but it will be a daughter. For your Kingdom to continue and not become the plaything of other Great Powers, it will be necessary for this daughter to find a husband who will become the next King. Your child will have to pass through many travails in order to secure and deserve the love of her chosen man. There is much grief ahead for you, and even more for her, Your Majesty! That will teach you to make politically incorrect remarks - you Fascist!"

With these words, the vision faded. The Left/Liberal Good Fairy retired to the wings to adjust her make-up and consult her Filofax to see what, and with whom, was her next appointment.

The King pondered the Good Fairy's remarks for some time. Must be a pretty third rate fairy, he thought, not to see the kind of guy I really am! For, truth to tell, one reason for the King's failure to impregnate his wife was his own decided preference for members of his own sex! The bluff joke that he had made to the Good Fairy had merely been an example of the obfuscation he frequently employed to disguise his own sexual proclivities.