Chapter 1

We probably all watch television or go to the movies. I know we at least read stories or you wouldn't be reading this right now. I have often wondered how these actors and actresses make love or at best have sex. I watch them and try many of the things they do but it never turns out the same. Maybe it's just me. I know I've talked to a couple of friends and they seem to have a few problems also. Let's see how you relate to some of the situations.

Let's start by me undressing my lover. I try to unbutton her blouse but the little button doesn't seem to come through the little slit like it's supposed to. Finally I get it undone and see her breasts staring me in the face. Good deal, progress, maybe she isn't out of the mood yet. I reach my hand behind her back while we are kissing, feeling for the clasp on her bra. Where the hell is the damn thing. I'm an ultra male, I don't want to have to ask her.

Finally in a nice way, we unlock lips and she says, "The clasp is in the front." Then in a very faint voice I hear the word, "Moron."

I quickly undo the clasp and let these big babies bounce out. I want to pull her bra off but it gets tangled in her blouse. Now I have to pull them off together trying to get them off her shoulders in a loving way like they do on TV.

I want us to fall together on the bed gently like they do in the movies. So I hold onto her and kind of pull her toward me so we can fall together onto the bed. Big mistake, I didn't say anything to her as she lost her footing and fell on me as we bumped heads. It kind of killed the mood since now she needed a couple of aspirin for the headache she was quickly getting. I've never gotten that falling together down right. Now I just tell my lady friend to climb on the bed and then I climb on top of her. I can't believe how many aspirin I have saved.

Next, I want to remove her jeans. I have now learned to tell my ladies to remove them before climbing on the bed. Saves a lot of hassle, unless you're a specialist in removing a woman's clothing. I made the mistake a few times of trying to gently remove her jeans while she is lying on the bed. Big, big mistake! Women buy jeans at least one size too small! The jeans look great on them, nice and tight, but they are hell to pull off. Believe me, I've tried more than once. If you can get it over her ass, you might have a chance. I never seemed to be that lucky, as I had to climb up and try to pull the jeans under her ass, scooting each side down about an inch at a time.

You want to do this without pulling her panties off at the same time. You might have to pull her panties and jeans down a little and then kind of pull the panties back up and then back to the jeans again. Hopefully, you were lucky enough to get the jeans down to her thighs. If she has big thighs, you might have to keep scooting the jeans one side at a time. Whatever you do keep complimenting her on her body, even if she has thunder thighs and stretch marks. Don't ask her to spread her legs - it doesn't sound good. If she doesn't do it automatically for you, then scoot up between them and push her legs apart yourself, but not too far - you still have to get her jeans off.

Hopefully your woman should now be lying on your bed with only her panties on. You should climb on the bed and have some foreplay before going much further. Women usually like this unless you are as inept as me.

I was kissing my woman over and over again. I was planting my lips against her taking her breath away. Literally! I didn't know she wasn't able to breath and she started kicking and moving under me. I thought I was really getting her turned on. I was 'Jerry, the super kisser.' I found out she wasn't able to breath through her nose. I guess I really took her breath away. You might want to ask or at least make the kisses short if you see this happening.

I started kissing her neck like they do in the movies. Again, another mistake. I sucked too hard and gave her a hickey. For those of you who don't know what a hickey is I'll explain. It's sucking hard on her neck or other soft places that leave a bruise. Most women don't want hickeys. It's embarrassing especially if other people see the bruises and she has to try and explain it. If she's married, you might be in 'mucho' trouble.

The boobs or breasts are a big misunderstood area. Some women loved them played with. None like them mauled - believe me, I found out the hard way.

Remembering one of my first big breasted women I couldn't wait to get hold of those big babies and I grabbed them. She screamed out, slapped me and went home. The next lady I tried to just squeeze them hoping to turn her on. Again, a mistake. She told me I felt like a mammogram machine - you know, those machines that squeeze the shit out of a woman's tits. No woman - and I mean no woman - wants her breasts squashed, regardless of the size of her boobs.

Here is the right way to do it. I learned after the loss of sex from many women. Don't get your hands near those babies until you have laid some light kisses on them, lots of light kisses. Don't bite! Remember that women do not want sucker bites or any kinds of bites or bruising they might have to explain. Sucking of the nipples are a big yes. Women like this, maternal instinct or something but woman love sucking, licking and kissing of the nipples. If the nipples get big, you're doing real good.

If you did the sucking and licking right, you may now gently massage the breasts. I usually get yelled at and slapped by this time or my woman goes home with sore boobs. If you succeeded to this point, then rub and gently massage her breasts and softly touch the nipples. Be damn gentle with the nipples here. She hopefully is getting into it by now and will let you start to squeeze those babies. If she's moaning or groaning, that is a good sign. If she's just lying there you might want to find out why. She may be sleeping or worse - dead. If she is dead, call 911 and go home. You will be considered a freak if you go any further. That was a joke readers, hopefully.

Time to move down the body. If she has stretch marks or a rather large belly don't say anything negative. If you do, your night will be over. Remember most women's bodies do not look like the ones you see on the big screen. If you look anything like me, be glad that you have any body that moves lying there in front of you. Close your eyes if you have to, but rub and kiss the belly even if it's not attractive.

Let's keep going. Move your hand into her panties. If she has a pad on, you have a problem. Either you have to go further or get up and go home. At this point you might want to pull her panties off and check under the hood so to speak. If you pull her panties off along with the pad or pulled the string and removed the tampon, you have to decide how bad you want it. If she let you go this far, she definitely wants to do it. So what are you going to do? If you don't fuck her now, believe me, you never will!

These kinds of decisions never have to be made on TV shows.

Let's say she's on her period. Put on a condom and jump her bones. If what I'm told is true, women are hot during this time. Use the stupid condom and have fun. If you don't have one or don't like wearing them - and I don't like them - just stick it in as long as you know she is disease free. Blood and cum will always wash off. She'll consider you the man for doing her during this period.

No blood? No problem, she probably wears it for leaks. It only happens in real life. Women laugh, women pee, the pad absorbs it. So, if the pad isn't wet, jump her bones. If the pad is wet, wipe her pussy off with a wash cloth - that's something you never see on TV but it does help. Then proceed to eat her out. Believe me, every woman except the really weird ones likes her pussy eaten out. She may not like to give head but she loves receiving it.