Chapter 13

I don't know how long I sat there. Probably not long.

Enough crying! I had to go take care of Amy and Victoria. I tried to make myself presentable, so as not to scare the hell out of Amy, but I figured that after five minutes it wouldn't make any difference anyway. I was so numb I didn't care about anything anymore, except Victoria and Amy. I grabbed a bag of stuff they might need and headed out to the car.

I don't remember the trip to Katie's house. As I drove up to the front and parked, I was surprised to see Amy sitting on the front porch. As soon as she saw me, she ran to meet me, hugging me tight.

"Daddy, what's wrong with Cindi? She's gone; I can't feel her anymore. What's happened, where is she?"

I was confused by what she was saying, and in my traumatized frame of mind was willing to latch on to anything except the job I had to do.

"What do you mean, you can't feel her, Amy?"

"She's not there, Daddy, she's gone, I can't feel her! What's happened to her?"

Amy was starting to get hysterical. The solid rock of my life, her and Victoria, and she was falling apart right in front of me. Might as well get this over with; it was not going to get any easier.

"Amy, honey, I'm so sorry. Cindi was killed in a car accident a little while ago." I managed to get it out without breaking down too badly. I had to be strong for my little girl.

Strangely, Amy actually calmed down some when I told her. She hugged me tight, with her head buried in my chest.

"I was afraid something like that happened," she mumbled. "Oh god, Daddy, what am I going to do now?" she wailed heartbrokenly.

"We have to get to the hospital, honey. I have to check on Mom. She was in the accident too, and I have to see how she is doing."

Instantly, the caring, sympathetic Amy kicked in.

"Daddy. Mommy's OK." I just looked at her. Now was not the time to ask her how she knew that.

I saw Katie run out of the house towards us. She had tears running down her face. She hugged us both.

"I'm so sorry. Is there anything I can do?" Katie asked.

"No. Something has come up. I have to take Amy home."

"She's not going to come back tonight, is she?" Katie asked.

"No, honey, I'm afraid not."

"I'm so sorry," Katie sobbed, and ran back to the house. It wasn't until much later that I realized what she had said, and what she had not asked.

I got Amy into the car and drove to the hospital. We were taken into a private room off to the side. A doctor and nurse joined us immediately. Then a state trooper came in to join us. Amy and I were sitting on an exam bed; she was leaning into me and I had my arm around her. She was crying softly, her eyes closed.

I asked the doctor how Victoria was and the police officer what happened. They looked questioningly at Amy, then back to me.

"Amy, honey, do you want to go lay down in the other room while I talk to these men?"

"NO! I'm not leaving you! Please don't leave me alone," she begged, her eyes pleading with me. I looked at them and nodded to go on.

"Your wife is doing well. Some impressive bruising, a few contusions, and some burns on her hands, but all in all, in very good shape. We will probably keep her overnight, but she can go home tomorrow." He seemed relieved that he could give me some good news, at least.

"I think once you hear what the police officer has to say, it will be unnecessary to explain about your daughter." He looked pointedly at Amy, who seemed to be ignoring us, just holding onto my arm as if I were going to disappear.

"Your wife was driving through an intersection on what was a green light for her, when a dump truck ran the red light at high speed and broadsided her car on the passenger side."

I felt dizzy and nauseous. In a low voice, he continued, "Your daughter never felt a thing, never knew it was coming. Accident reconstruction says she was looking at your wife and laughing when it happened. She never knew anything. The driver of the truck was killed. It caught fire and burned after the accident. Your wife burned her hands trying to pull him out to save him."

They seemed impressed with her heroism. I snorted and they looked at me strangely. I didn't tell them that it was likely Victoria tried to pull him out so she could kill him for killing her baby.

"It was likely he was already dead before the fire anyway; preliminary evidence indicated he was dead drunk."

Well, at least my baby didn't suffer. You have to take the silver lining where you can get it.

I took Amy upstairs to see Victoria. She was sitting in her room, a blank, desperate look on her face. She didn't even notice when we walked in. She looked up when I said her name, and I shivered at the haunted, dead, sad look in her eyes. 'I'm so sorry, Victoria' my mind cried.

She stood up, and instantly I had two crying, sobbing young ladies in my arms, as they cried their hearts out. Yeah, I cried some too, but I tried to be strong for my girls.

"It was my fault," Victoria cried, "I took a shortcut so I could get home to you faster. If I had gone the regular way..." she sobbed brokenly.

"It wasn't your fault. You didn't do anything wrong, Vickie." I said, emphasizing the name.

She looked up at me in surprise. I had only called her Vickie once before, shortly before we were married. We had had our first, and I think only, argument, on a subject I was not flexible on. Afterwards she admitted she was wrong when we made up (I don't think she really believed that, she just knew when to quit on that subject) and we agreed that if she was ever being a complete ass, I would call her Vickie.

She smiled faintly and squeezed my hand.

We were in a lull during the crying when a police officer type came in. He reminded me of the jerk, Cop #1. He said he had some questions to ask.

"I'll answer them tomorrow," Victoria stated flatly.

"No. Ma'am, we need to talk about them now. It will only take a few minutes. Now, if you will excuse us..." he said to me. What rock did this ass crawl out from under? The first time I ever heard that tone of voice from Victoria, I knew better than to argue with her. Excusing me from the room? With that attitude, and the present mood Victoria was in, I had no doubt who was coming out of that room alive. Victoria and Amy, almost as one, jerked their heads around and looked at him. Ever hear the terms "Eyes on fire", "Eyes ablaze", or "Flames shooting out of their eyes"? I have seen it now. I had never seen that look on either one of them before, and I certainly didn't want to find out right now what it meant. I realized I now had a side bet. Which one of them would kill him first.

I put my hand on his arm. "This is a really bad time. She said she would answer the questions tomorrow. We will see you then. Thank you for coming," I dismissed him politely.

"I'm sorry, sir, but I have to..."

I tightened my grip on his arm and started moving him to the door as I saw both Victoria and Amy start to get up.

"I don't think you heard me or the lady correctly. No. Now, get out of this room while you still can."

There we go. He saw Victoria's face. His eyes widened, and he left ... quickly.

"Thank you." Victoria hugged me. "One of these days I need to do something about this temper of mine." I don't think she realized what Amy and I had noticed long ago - her temper only showed up when the situation involved the well-being of the girls. I smiled weakly at her.

"That's ok, honey. I'm desperately looking for someone to beat the shit out of too."

She looked stricken. Amy looked up, her eyes softening too.

"Oh, God, honey, I forgot all about you. I'm so sorry, Patrick." That was a sign of how upset she was. She never calls me by my name. She and Amy came over and held me this time. Amy whispered in my ear.

"It's ok to cry, Daddy. Really, it is." I just couldn't, not much.

I decided we would sleep in the hospital room that night, all three of us. I talked to the head nurse and the doctor, and told them that we were not to be disturbed for any reason, protocols be damned, unless we called for them. Then I called Chief Haskin, told him about the accident, and asked him to keep his people away from us tonight. I told him about the busybody that had already showed up, that I didn't know what Victoria would do in the mood she was in if someone hassled us some more, and Amy was just as bad. I heard his intake of breath, as if he remembered Amy disarming one of his officers and the rumors he had heard and things he suspected about Victoria, and he assured me no one would be there unless we called.

We got ready for bed. I had grabbed a nightgown for Victoria and Amy before I left the house, plus a few other things. Amy looked a little uncomfortable. Finally, she and Victoria whispered in the corner. Amy went into the bathroom while Victoria came over to me.

"She thought we might want to be alone for awhile, for some special time," Victoria explained. "I told her we wanted our little girl next to us all night long." She looked at me questioningly, her eyes pleading with me.

"I agree. I don't know if you've noticed this yet, but she's deathly afraid of being alone. I don't want her alone tonight, either."

Amy came back in, looking nervous. I hugged her, then picked her up and carried her over to the bed. I laid her down, then Victoria and I lay on either side of her and sandwiched her in the ultimate snuggle.

Amy clung to me all night long. If I had to get up, she whimpered and clung to Victoria. When I came back, she held on to me again. I think she cried almost the whole night. I held her and told her we loved her many times. That's all I told her. I knew it would never be all right for any of us ever again. I didn't see how it ever could be. Once again, I was wrong. Sometimes I really get sick of being wrong, but this time I was glad I eventually was wrong.

The next two weeks were the worst times we ever had, the worst I could ever envision it could be. If it gets worse than that, I do not want to be here.

Amy slid downhill very spectacularly during those two weeks. The first three days, I expected it. She had lost her twin sister and best friend, for heavens sakes. After a day or two, Victoria and I started to get back to normal. You have to. You don't forget, but you have to. You have to cook, clean, wash, plan a funeral, talk to relatives. After three days, you just have to start acting normal again because you have no more energy to grieve. I always wondered how people in interviews a week after a loved one died talked normally and didn't cry. Now I understood. I was not out of energy due to grieving; that would come later. I always took a long time to react emotionally to things. And this was so big. I was out of energy just trying to help and be there, do things for my girls.

The funeral was a mess. Everyone showed up. There were so many people to talk to; too many people! I've always hated funerals, but this one was the ultimate. One thing Amy and I agreed on - we refused to go up and see Cindi in the casket. I would remember her from the last night we spent together, or in many other ways, not as a lifeless doll lying in a box. I was afraid if I heard someone say that classic line "Oh, doesn't she look so natural, just like she's asleep", I was going to say, "No, actually she looks just like she is dead!" I spent my time comforting Amy, and to a lesser extent, Victoria. Every time I approached Victoria, she shortly sent me back to Amy. She said Amy needed me more.

Finally, it got too much for Amy, and she fled the room, crying. I went after her, and found her sitting on a bench, knees pulled up to her chin, arms around her legs, sobbing. I sat and held her. There was nothing to say, and she didn't seem to want any conversation. We never went back in.

They had a memorial service in the school gymnasium. The whole gym was packed full. Knowing how upset Amy was, they didn't string it out too long. Someone did get a reaction out of her, though.

Towards the end, Katie walked up to the microphone. She said she had a special tribute for Cindi and Amy. She was the only one that included Amy too. She then sang a capella, the most beautiful rendition of Wind Beneath My Wings I have ever heard. It was a special favorite of mine, because it was the song Victoria picked to be sung to me at our wedding.

No one even knew Katie could sing. She had the most beautiful, clear, bell-like soprano voice I have ever heard. When she got to the line, "Did you ever know that you are my hero?" she looked right at Amy and the empty chair that was there for Cindi. There was not a single dry eye in the place. When she was done, Amy, who had not moved during the entire ceremony, got up, walked over to Katie, and hugged her, thanking her. They then held hands as they went to sit down. Amy insisted she sit in the chair set there for Cindi and they sat together the rest of the program. Pretty good for someone Amy never really liked. Katie reached her when her loved ones could not. As long as someone did.

After that, it got really bad. Amy wouldn't eat, she couldn't sleep. She stayed up almost all night watching TV. Mindless trash she never bothered watching before. Then she would spend all day sleeping in my arms or on my lap. She wouldn't take a bath for days. She insisted on staying in physical contact, or at least in the same room with one of us at all times. This went on and on.

Even worse, she turned snotty. The anti-Amy was here. She would tell us to mind our own business, yell at us, or worse, the biting sarcasm. She wasn't teasing now. She had turned into the nasty 13 year old we had always hoped we would never get.

The only things that kept me from laying her across my lap and paddling her obnoxious little butt was the knowledge of what she was going through, and the look deep in her eyes that told me she hated what she was doing, but she just couldn't help it. The feeling that there was something going on that we didn't know about, that I was missing something important constantly plagued me.

Victoria and I were so worried, we started keeping an unofficial suicide watch on her. If she ever left the room alone, one of us followed her. Victoria and I were both on open-ended leaves from our jobs until we got this straightened out. Some thoughtless idiot called Victoria from work about coming in for something stupid; by the time she was done handing their head to them on a platter, I was wondering if she would even have a job. I didn't care - I was sure I could find something for her to do. When I asked her who that was, she smiled faintly and told me it was her boss. I was impressed; I had never heard her set aside work for us so forcefully.