Chapter 90

Marcus brushed past Yvonne as he scooted the last of the equipment out of the seating area, mindful of the pile of leads on the top. Yvonne tensed and stepped back. A look of fear washed over her face for a moment before anger replaced it.

"Yvonne?" Hope asked quietly, stepping closer but staying out of arm's reach.

"I'll be alright," she whispered.

Hope waved Elspeth away as she approached.

"What happened?"

"Just ... Nothing, Hope. Nothing happened, and I fucking freaked again."

Tears appeared at the corner of her eyes. Elspeth and Brianna shared a look and then hurriedly donned their coats. "Night!"

Bri called, ushering Elspeth out before her, and taking a second to mutter a quiet explanation to Shawna for their abrupt departure.

With the sitting area now empty, Shawna crossed to the bedroom and asked Marcus to stay out of the way for a while. She returned to the sofa where Hope was just settling into place.

"Long day?" Shawna asked as she snuggled in beside Hope, wrapping an arm around the smaller girl.

"Doesn't matter," Yvonne muttered listlessly, staring at the floor. "It could have been six in the morning and I'd have freaked just the same. All he did was walk past. Didn't even look..."

"I don't know what to say," Hope finally broke the silence after Yvonne trailed off.

"I do," Shawna offered, and Yvonne looked up at her. "He's dead, Vonny. Dead and gone, and he's not coming back. I know it's not easy, but they're not all like that."

"I know they aren't, but ... It's..."

"It doesn't make sense. I know," Shawna said. "Sometimes it's the furthest thing from your mind and then suddenly it's everywhere. You're getting better already though."

"No, I'm fucking not. Marcus pushes an amp past me and I practically run screaming."

"But Monday when you opened the door to Tony, you did run screaming, literally."

"Well, Marcus isn't the same prospect as Tony, is he?"

"How do you mean?" Hope asked. "I mean I know they're different people, but ... Well, neither of them really looks like Co ... like him, but Marcus has the height and the build more than Tony, surely?"

"It's not about the look," Yvonne tried to explain. "It's a feeling. It's ... Tony's ... Marcus isn't ... He's not 'sexual.'"

"Marcus?" Shawna's smile was only slightly forced. "He doesn't seem like it, I know, but ... he is. When he thinks about it."

"It's like everything else with him. It has to be deliberate," Hope confirmed, but there was something in Hope's face that Yvonne noticed that she was sure Shawna couldn't see.

"Are you going to be alright, Vonny?" Shawna asked, leaning forward. "I mean we can have a sleepover out here again if you'd like?"

"No, no," Yvonne said, waving the suggestion away. "Just because I'm fucked up in the head doesn't mean that you guys should miss out."

"You're not fucked up in the head," Hope interjected forcefully. "And that goes for you, too, Miss Smiling-Knowingly," she added, not looking behind her towards Shawna. "You've both been through a lot, and you're dealing with it as well as you can."

"I know," Shawna admitted, the smile slipping a little. "I'm ... I'm going to head off to bed, too, if that's OK."

"Sure," Yvonne nodded. "Thank you. I ... This must be difficult for you."

"Difficult for all of us," Shawna confirmed with a blank expression and a shrug. "G'night."

"Night," Yvonne muttered, looking away.

Hope kept a hold of Shawna's hand as Shawna walked around the sofa as long as she could.

"I'll be there soon," Hope promised, and Shawna nodded without turning. "Keep him warm for me."

"Sorry, Hope," Yvonne said as the bedroom door closed. "I didn't mean to drag her into it."

"You didn't drag her," Hope pointed out. "She came and sat down knowing what we were talking about because she can probably help more than I can. She understands some of what you feel."

"All of it, probably."

"I don't think so," Hope disagreed. "What you went through was unique — both of you, I mean. Her experience isn't the same as yours and vice versa. But there are elements."

"What about your experience?"

"Another unique, different situation," Hope confirmed. "Did you get an appointment with the counsellor?"

"Friday at ten," Yvonne confirmed.

"I ... If you want to talk I'm here, but I don't want to push the conversation," Hope said, leaning forward over the table. She wanted to reach out with a hug but wasn't sure how it would be received. "Is there anything I can do?"

"No, thanks," Yvonne managed a half-smile. "Actually, yeah ... Make me feel a little better?"

"How?"

"Let me help you maybe?"

"Oh?"

"What was that look on your face all about when Shawna said that Marcus can be sexy?"

"What look?"

"Like, I don't know, like you didn't believe it."

"I believe it," Hope demurred. "I've seen it."

"Felt it?"

"What?"

"Well, you said that you've seen it? Not 'he's surprised me' or ... you've watched him be sexual. Have you two done anything yet?"

"Vonny!" Hope blushed, sitting back.

"Alright, that's a yes, but ... What's going on there?"

"Is this really making anything better?" Hope asked, then felt guilty for trying to deflect the situation back on to Yvonne's issues. "Sorry."

"It's OK. I should probably head for bed, anyway. No sense going over it all again."

"Vonny..."

"It's alright, Hope, really." This time the smile was a little firmer. "It did help, you know."

"What did?"

"Finding out that you and Marcus aren't really working out that well."

"What ... but ... why?" Hope muttered, fumbling with her words as she tried to decide exactly what question it was that she wanted to ask. "Why would that make you feel better?"

"Because maybe I really can help you."

"I don't need the help."

"Shawna gets Marcus when he's sexy, and you get to see Marcus when he's sexy? That sounds like a problem."

"It's not like that," Hope smiled. "Shawna and I want different things from him."

"We're all different," Yvonne agreed. "But we all have, what was it you said, 'common elements.' We all want to be wanted, Hope. That's what kept me coming back to Connor. I wanted to feel wanted, and he wanted me."

"He wanted control over you," Hope pointed out.

"But it was still me. Does Marcus want you?"

"Of course." Hope tried to assure her, but neither of them were entirely convinced.

Marcus sat up at the click of the kettle cutting out, rousing Shawna as he did.

"What's up?" she mumbled.

"Hope's making tea," he whispered.

"Shit, is it that time already?"

"No, it's four minutes past ... It's just gone three o'clock."

"Are you going?"

"No, she knew I was awake but left anyway. I don't think she wants to talk to me. She was quiet to me all night."

"Fine. I'll go," Shawna said grumbling, kissing him gently as she rolled over him and out the bed to pad out the room on tiptoes. Marcus took the opportunity to watch her legs as he'd watched Hope's when she left.